Girlfriend starting to hate my Body

LegacyUser

I am quite upset. I love going to the gym, its my only hobby and I really look forward to it. I've been going out with my girlfriend for a year now and she says its starting to become a problem because I am getting too muscley and it digusts her. She wants me to stop. I love going to the gym and I go with my best friend every day who I rarely have the chance to see otherwise (different college, different set of friends) and it makes me feel really good. She says its too big a problem for her as she hates muscley guys and basically says we'll probably break up if I dont quit. I am just wondering who is in the wrong?

Victor

One would think that after a year that physical appearance wouldn't suddenly become a problem, unless there was a radical change.

mrmuscle wrote: »

I love going to the gym ... every day

I think this might be part of the problem. Is there a possibility she thinks you are paying more attention to the gym and gym buddy than other things (like her)?

Also, isn't it recommend to have a few rest days per week?

Try striking a balance.

epgc3fyqirnbsx

This is a funny one...

I was always of the opinion that if in a long term relationship you should always be conscious of being in good shape for your partner, not to get complacent and let yourself go etc...
Basically, just having the respect to be sexy for them as you would be when trying to attract them in the first place

But, like the last poster said, if this is a problem maybe you aren't spending enough time with her and this may be a way of saying she is cross?

Or, it may be making her feel inadequate because she is not so fit or may feel she has to live up to superfit expectations which really isn't her.

Either way, and I'm no expert, but let her know that she's number 1 regardless of anything and you are just doing this to feel good about you.
And it wouldn't hurt that when she see's that you are working so hard at something that she might complimet you on the results...

Cianos

How muscley is muscley? If you're talking about looking like the body building guys you see performing on stage, then I know that most girls don't find that attractive.

As with morbid obesity, it is another extreme and like all extremes not many people will find it attractive. Then again some people do find it attractive so if you think it more important than keeping your gf you dont have to give up your hobby.

seamus

I reckon Victor's probably hit the nail on the head here.

Though if you weren't a gym rat (that's not meant in an offensive way) when you started going out with her, or you hadn't been going to the gym for very long, then a year's worth of daily workouts will have altered your appearance. And many women don't find bulging muscles and popping veins attractive. Men who are lean and strong-looking, but not excessively muscular, are attractive.

StormWarrior

I, and in fact every female friend of mine, finds the really muscly-gym-goer look a total turn off. Very few women actually like that apprearance in a man. Especially if you have changed drastically since you first started going out. I personally like slim men, if I started dating an attractive slim man and then he turned into some big chunky bodybuiler type, I probably wouldn't fancy him any more either. And like everyone else said, maybe she is annoyed that you spend so much time at the gym. Going every day is really excessive. Being excessively muscular is just as unattractive as being fat.

Wibbs

Bexley Wooden Drain wrote: »

Or, it may be making her feel inadequate because she is not so fit or may feel she has to live up to superfit expectations which really isn't her.

Could be this too. She may feel self conscious if you're all buffed up and she's feeling settled and dowdy?

LegacyUser

Hey Op
She is in the wrong and if you like who you are stick with it and perhaps she is wrong person for you.Sorry to say.
No way on planet i would say that to my OH especially in that manner either(Very disrespectful)
If she has a problem with it she should have said before and asked you to cut back.But no one has the right to ask you to quit something you love and enjoy for you.
If she is not into that kind of body perhaps you can cut back on the size of how much you are doing or perhaps she is feeling insecure and is getting jealous and afraid you might attract to much attention from other women.


@Stormwarrior alot of women like that type of man .
If we are talking body builder size then that's true not alot of women find that attractive.

This is something that is benefiting you. Your getting relax time with your friend, and your self esteem, quality of life and health have improved. Right?

If she was worth it, your appearance wouldn't be a make or break issue for her.
Especially when your getting so much from this hobby.

Emme

Would your GF like to date an unfit slob with a beer belly hanging over his trousers? There are enough of those out there. A fit man is a rare find. I think that your GF should get real - there's no such thing as the perfect guy. I like fit guys, not too beefed up mind you but I've dated couch potatoes even though I wasn't mad about their bodies. I liked other things about them and that made up for their paunches!:D

If she doesn't like you for yourself it doesn't say much about the relationship. However, if you train for 2 hours+ every day in the gym it's probably excessive. I know that the gym can be addictive but it isn't good to train in the same way all the time even though you may look fit. Would you consider cutting the gym down to 4 days a week and take up football or some other sport to vary your training and widen your range of interests?

LegacyUser

Moonbaby wrote: »

This is something that is benefiting you. Your getting relax time with your friend, and your self esteem, quality of life and health have improved. Right?

If she was worth it, your appearance wouldn't be a make or break issue for her.
Especially when your getting so much from this hobby.

+1

Totally agree with you Moonbaby she is sounding like a selfish child.

g'em

Cianos wrote: »

How muscley is muscley? If you're talking about looking like the body building guys you see performing on stage, then I know that most girls don't find that attractive.

StormWarrior wrote: »

I, and in fact every female friend of mine, finds the really muscly-gym-goer look a total turn off. Very few women actually like that apprearance in a man.

And some do. It's different strokes for different folks. Chances are the girls who do find it attractive are the girls who train themselves, and will have a better understanding of why it is you love the gym so much. I couldn't not train, it's as important to me as eating and sleeping. It's less the physicality of that build that I personally find attractive, and more the determination, ambition and brilliant work ethic that I know is behind it.

Going to the gym every day is not excessive. Going to the gym every day at the expense of your social life and/ or working life is excessive.

Wibbs wrote: »

Could be this too. She may feel self conscious if you're all buffed up and she's feeling settled and dowdy?

To be honest, this would be my take on it too.

StormWarrior

I do train myself, and I like a man who's slim and fit, but we haven't seen the OP, maybe he has gone way too far and is now one of those extreme bodybuilder types with no neck. Or maybe his girlfriend just preferred him the way he was before. Either way I think the OP's first priority should be to find out for sure exactly what his girlfriend objects to. Does she genuinely not like his body, does it make her feel insecure, or is she annoyed that he spends so much time at the gym? I think he should just ask her outright and ask for an honest answer. If it's that she is genuinely not physically attracted to him any more, that doesn't make her a bad person. The OP will then have to decide whether he wants to cut down on the training a bit to please her, or whether his new hobby is more important to him and he'd be willing to say goodbye to his girlfriend if push came to shove. Of course, maybe she is annoyed with him for some totally unrelated reason and is using this as an excuse to not be with him any more?

Emme

g'em wrote: »

It's less the physicality of that build that I personally find attractive, and more the determination, ambition and brilliant work ethic that I know is behind it.

+1

Faith

Basically OP, if she's not attracted to your new physique, there's nothing you or she can do about it. You need to choose what's more important to you - your girlfriend or your gym routine. It's very unlikely she'll change her mind and become attracted to your new body if she doesn't like it now, and it's unlikely you'll be prepared to give up your gym-going since you seem to enjoy it so much. A tough decision must be made .

Cheap Thrills!

Men with defined muscles that looked 'worked on' or unnatural/forced are a real turn off to me and most female friends feel the same.

A good guide for men is look at the average top soccer player, healthy, athletic, fit and natural....that is good and sexy.

Look at the average bodybuilder, ripped muscles, low body fat, sinewy and veiny. That is to be avoided, yes you will get a small minority of women that can tolerate it but the majority of women find it about as sexy as a kick in the face.

g'em

You're making the assumption that the OP is working out with the primary goal of making himself more appealing to the opposite sex. If he is (and I honestly don't think it's the case) then fair enough. But train for you and who you want to be/ become. The right person for you will find that attractive. It's a tough call to make, and I've had to do it myself, but when you're passionate about something I personally think it's important to be with someone who understands that.

Cheap Thrills! wrote:

A good guide for men

Really? Is there a good guide for how women should look too?

G-Money

It would be interesting if the situation was reversed and it was the woman who was getting in shape (obviously not huge massive muscles) but to the point where her fitness was making the guy uncomfortable. Would he just be expected to accept it or labelled in some unflattering way if he wasn't ok with it?

krudler

A good guide for men is look at the average top soccer player, healthy, athletic, fit and natural....that is good and sexy.

sorry what? so all men should look like football players? i guess that means all women should strive to have big boobs, long legs, perfect skin and hair like men want does it?

If the op's gf is starting to find him unnatractive then thats her right, she obviously liked him the ay he was and he'll either have to find a balance, sacrifice how HE wants to look, or they'll go their seperate ways.

if the op was a woman saying her man didnt like her new haircut or weight loss or something would he be getting the same sympathy?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, im not doing it for appearance i just love going to the gym with my friend and seeing myself get stronger every week. I love rugby and was hoping to start playing it again next year as well so I had that goal in mind as well.

Anyway, she broke up with me today. She says she hates muscley guys and its too much of a problem. Really upset. I tried to ask why was appearance so important to her and she kept replying "if I put on 30lbs your telling me you wouldnt have a problem?" I dont know really

StormWarrior

grandmaster wrote: »

It would be interesting if the situation was reversed and it was the woman who was getting in shape (obviously not huge massive muscles) but to the point where her fitness was making the guy uncomfortable. Would he just be expected to accept it or labelled in some unflattering way if he wasn't ok with it?

I was thinking about this earlier. I get the impression that the OP isn't just toning up and getting athletic, but is getting more of an extreme bodybuilder look. If it was the other way round, and a woman was getting to look like this:
http://www.search-female-physique.com/
and her boyfriend complained, I doubt anyone here would be saying that it's him with the problem for not being attracted to her any longer. So why should a woman still be expected to fancy a bloke if he drastically changes from what she first fell for, and becomes unnatural-looking?

Obviously those pictures are an extreme example, but maybe that's the way he is starting to look to her? And maybe his personality is changing as his physique does, it's not unheard of. He could be getting more vain or something as his body, in his eyes, "improves."

LegacyUser

mrmuscles wrote: »

Hey guys, im not doing it for appearance i just love going to the gym with my friend and seeing myself get stronger every week. I love rugby and was hoping to start playing it again next year as well so I had that goal in mind as well.

Anyway, she broke up with me today. She says she hates muscley guys and its too much of a problem. Really upset. I tried to ask why was appearance so important to her and she kept replying "if I put on 30lbs your telling me you wouldnt have a problem?" I dont know really

She's not comparing like with like. If she was to put on 30lbs it would presumably be fat through laziness - now that is not attractive.

You are improving yourself and becomming a healthier and stronger man.

I'm sure you're hurting now man but as much as I really do believe people are entitled to like what they like, you're better off in this case.

There's plenty of women out there who will be happy to go out with a healthy, strong man without it exposing their own insecurities

LegacyUser

mrmuscles wrote: »

Hey guys, im not doing it for appearance i just love going to the gym with my friend and seeing myself get stronger every week. I love rugby and was hoping to start playing it again next year as well so I had that goal in mind as well.

Anyway, she broke up with me today. She says she hates muscley guys and its too much of a problem. Really upset. I tried to ask why was appearance so important to her and she kept replying "if I put on 30lbs your telling me you wouldnt have a problem?" I dont know really

Hey OP sorry to hear that she finished with you
She hates muscly guys but has been watching you go to gym everyday and only brings it up now? Sounds a bit odd to me and controlling on her part.Giving ultimatums like that and then finishing before a discussion about it.Someone who is not willing to sit down and sort it out doesn't sound very committed in honesty.Her way or no way?
I know it doesn't help now but when a guy is good to a woman and she finishes over him working out and feeling good about himself you are better off without her.She sounds very self absorbed.
Best of luck

StormWarrior

big difference wrote: »

She's not comparing like with like. If she was to put on 30lbs it would presumably be fat through laziness - now that is not attractive.

Neither are excessive muscles to many people. IMO an overly muscular man is just as unattractive as a fat one. Any extreme is not good.

LegacyUser

StormWarrior wrote: »

Neither are excessive muscles to many people. IMO an overly muscular man is just as unattractive as a fat one. Any extreme is not good.

I know I'm only speculating but I doubt very much that the OP is excessively muscular. Do you know just how much time and effort it would take to get to that stage? His girlfriend would've been giving him warnings years ago...

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the hardcore bodybuilder look is good. I'm more into a combination of powerlifting/crossfit style training but I just think it's funny how some people presume anyone who works out either wants to or will end up looking like Arnie in his prime.

Given the choice of excessively fat or excessively muscular, I'd take the latter anyday!

Wibbs

krudler wrote: »

sorry what? so all men should look like football players? i guess that means all women should strive to have big boobs, long legs, perfect skin and hair like men want does it?

well whatever about big boobs and going through surgery, there is some general non extreme standard of what looks good in men and women. So a healthy bodyshape which in both men and women is slim and toned is considered more attractive. In women size 18 isnt healthy and neither is size 4(moreso actually). So yes I think people should strive to keep somewhat trim and not let themselves go to pot wherever possible. They'll look better, feel better and work better socially. You cant make yourself taller or shorter but you can always improve for your own sake. Hey dont get me wrong. I'm a hypocrite here. Yea Im slim and the same weight I was 20 years ago, but down to keeping some sort of control on food intake and walking rather than driving. I should do more.

If the op's gf is starting to find him unnatractive then thats her right,

Agreed.

she obviously liked him the ay he was and he'll either have to find a balance, sacrifice how HE wants to look, or they'll go their seperate ways.

Seems they have, but TBH though its a pity for the OP I think he may be better off and indeed so may she.

if the op was a woman saying her man didnt like her new haircut or weight loss or something would he be getting the same sympathy?

Not from me anyway. If I was with a woman and over a year she started to pile on the pounds(outside illness or pregnancy) I would go off her and if no change was coming there's the door. Ditto BTW if she went too far on the gym bunny thing and thinned out to the point where she looked like a 14 year old boy.

big difference wrote: »

She's not comparing like with like. If she was to put on 30lbs it would presumably be fat through laziness - now that is not attractive.

You are improving yourself and becomming a healthier and stronger man.

I'm sure you're hurting now man but as much as I really do believe people are entitled to like what they like, you're better off in this case.

There's plenty of women out there who will be happy to go out with a healthy, strong man without it exposing their own insecurities

This +1 Like G'em said the drive of someone who does this is very attractive. someone who can see the long picture and suffer short term. Male or female.

mrmuscles wrote: »

Hey guys, im not doing it for appearance i just love going to the gym with my friend and seeing myself get stronger every week. I love rugby and was hoping to start playing it again next year as well so I had that goal in mind as well.

Anyway, she broke up with me today. She says she hates muscley guys and its too much of a problem. Really upset. I tried to ask why was appearance so important to her and she kept replying "if I put on 30lbs your telling me you wouldnt have a problem?" I dont know really

Like big difference said, shes not comparing like with like. One is very passive and the other active. Not exactly hard work to pile on the flab for a person. Move less eat more pretty much sums it up. Plus the gym types can correct me if Im wrong but in this last year its bloody unlikely youve grown that much(not without chemical help anyway). more like toned up with a bit of bulking. So if you werent too muscly a year back theres not going to be that big a change. there's no way you're mr universe with thighs like barrels and no neck. If you are get your arse over to the fitness forum and tell them how to do it

I think her issue is her own insecurities, you focusing on something outside of her* and her feeling left behind and frumpy. Maybe even fear that you're getting more attractive than her and will leave her anyway, so she's jumping before shes pushed (in her head). Or there is the possibility that she was looking for an excuse to leave and this is it? Any other repeated arguments in your lives?

Either way you can only live your life for you and need people around you who will support and love you for that reason, not their own self centered ones.

*only issue I could see for her is where this kinda thing becomes an obsession. That would be a good reason to get peed off.

StormWarrior

Wibbs wrote: »

*only issue I could see for her is where this kinda thing becomes an obsession. That would be a good reason to get peed off.

Well, he said he goes to the gym every day, and he says he goes to college, that takes alot of time, maybe he has a job too, now he wants to start doing rubgy as well, maybe she felt like he spent most of his spare time doing other stuff, and she was of secondary importance in his life. Or maybe she was already a bit fed up about the time he spent at the gym, and hearing that he wants to do rugby too and will have even less time for her was the final straw?

Katgurl

i'm sorry but i'm gobsmacked by some of the replies here.

OP, sorry to hear you've been dumped but only because I think you should have given her the the elbow as soon as she began her childish tantrums.

you're going to the gym, it makes you feel good, you get to hang out with your friend, stay fit etc.

She sounds rude, disrespectful and frankly if she's that obsessed with her ideal body shape in a man instead of the person you are after a year together, not to mention that you feeling good & happy should be of interest to her... And lets not forget her amazing comparison to her hypothetically gaining 30lbs, she's clearly stupid to boot.

Seriously, bullet dodged. Enjoy your workouts and forget all about her. Find a nice girl who supports your positive choices & loves you.

Actually now that i'm typing i'm realisng this has touched a nerve because I had a similar situation with an ex but he started grumbling straightaway when I signed up for a personal trainer at the gym. He made loads of noises about me being perfect as I was (i was a bit overweight, untoned, not feeling great in my clothes) but when i delved a bit deeper he finally admitted he was worried I'd lose weight, feel great & leave him for someone else.

If she loved you, she would want you to feel good about yourself. End of.

username123

Id bet my bottom dollar that excessive muscleyness is not the reason your gf broke up with you.

Others have already mentioned it, but the fact is, you dont suddenly explode out with muscle like popeye eating spinach from going to the gym, its a slow gradual process. You are probably not much more 'visibly' muscley than you were a month ago, 2 months ago, or 3 months ago. And if you are, its toning, and not that much in terms of bulk.

Whats probably more likely is your gf wanted to break up for whatever reason she had, and used the muscleyness as an excuse.
Quite possibly out of kindness (as in, its not insulting to call someone muscley, but would be to call them ugly), and also its something indisputable, you cannot MAKE someone like muscles - its a personal taste.

One way or the other - I dont believe your musclebound body is really why she broke up with you.

Hope the gym continues to give you such enjoyment.