Single and lonely?

LegacyUser

Didnt mean for that to sound like an advert!

Am female, early 30s, single a year. Not one date. Not one. I do go out and socialise but never seem to meet anyone. Terrified Ill end up alone (would love to have a baby or two).

At the end of the day am lonely.
I have hobbies etc. I just wish could meet someone special.

Any others out there feel like this? Any heartening positive stories?

G-Money

Try not to worry OP. I'm a male and 32 and was pretty much sure I had a terminal case of singleness. Pretty much blanked by women throughout my teens and 20's. I started giving internet dating a go and changed my appearance slightly by losing a bit of weight and shaving my head. In fairness though, I've put most of the weight back on but I had to shave my head as it was thinning on top.

I was so sick of being single and getting nowhere, and nothing. Not even a peck on the cheek. Every new year I had the same resolution (start seeing a girl etc) and each year would pass and I was unsuccessful.

Then a few months ago I met a girl and was seeing her for a while. It didn't last that long but it made me feel like there was hope yet and took a huge amount of pressure off me.

I suppose just keep going out and maybe try internet dating etc and see how it goes. That's what I did. I was sort of relentless as well to be honest and went on loads of dates. Sometimes that's the only way to do it. Carpet bombing approach. I've found that you simply can't put all your eggs in one basket when it comes to the opposite sex. At least not until you've seen them a few times and become a couple.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I was going to post on this very subject! I was on a date last week. We sat together over a few drinks for four solid hours(!), chatting and laughing, having what seemed like a lovely evening. The girl texted me constantly beforehand, couldn't wait to meet me. Seemed to enjoy my company greatly, yet the next day? Nothing. I texted, got one cold, non commital text in response, and nothing since.

This is how it has been for me for twenty years! Admittedly, in my twenties, dates were awkward, I was awkward, and I had a lot to learn. But in fairness, I tried repeatedly, and over years of dates I got more experience, and now I can have a lovely night out with a girl, and enjoy it, as long as I don't have any expectations of it going anywhere. Because it NEVER does. I have read everything, I know all about nice guy, bad guy, and I have tried every approach under the sun, over literally hundreds of dates. Years ago, I remember dates that were awkward and hapless. That was years ago. Now, my dates seem to have all the signs of success, there is lots of laughing and relaxed atmosphere, but I never hear anything back.

I had ONE relationship in twenty years, that lasted six months. It was the happiest six months of my life, and was everything I had ever wanted in life. But the girl suffered from bipolar, and the downs were a VERY frightening experience, I mean I thought I was going to find her dead some night. That, and the screaming sessions that occurred for no reason every time she went low, broke my spirit, and I had to end it. There were enormous issues there, beyond my ability to cope with. When she was up, she was beautiful.

That was the one and only time I had what could properly be called a relationship. I had a few one night stands, a few five night stands, if such a term exists, which were hurried sex only meets, a few years ago. They were the last thing I wanted, I wanted a proper long term relationship, but when you have no sexual contact with a woman at all for years, you take anything that comes along, no matter how unsuitable.

I'd love to ask all these dates what I do wrong, what decides them never to get in touch again. I'm not a hunky male model, but I'm not that ugly, just ordinary. I'm very relaxed, funny, easy company. I feel I am everything that girls 'say' they want in a man, but I feel that what girls 'say' they want and what their gut instinct draws them to are two entirely different things.

I still live in hope of that sweet, romantic, loving relationship with the one, but at 44, with every single woman I meet smiling deeply at me, laughing at my jokes, telling me I am lovely and they can't understand how I am still single, and then never replying to my texts again, I am starting to feel that we live in a new, shallow kind of world, where long term commitment is no longer realistic, when people break up so easily, and the internet offers cheap, quick thrills at will, and everyone has far too high ideals which are humanly outside the odds of reality.

seenitall

out_of_date:

"I am starting to feel that we live in a new, shallow kind of world, where long term commitment is no longer realistic, when people break up so easily, and the internet offers cheap, quick thrills at will, and everyone has far too high ideals which are humanly outside the odds of reality"

I am starting to feel this too.

I am sorry I don't have a heartening positive story for you, OP, suffice it to say that I find myself in a similar situation to you. I went through a period where I tried internet dating, and I still dabble in it a bit, but I discovered there was a high probability of some unsettling and pretty disturbing experiences lying that way (there is nothing wrong with giving it a go, just be careful what you do and who you trust). As a result, I have stopped trying, really. I got myself into doing some hobbies and social activities, but the more time goes by, I find it is easier to not think about relationships too much. It doesn't serve a purpose, in my experience the more you try, the less chance there is of finding love. I am at the moment just trying to get my head into a completely carefree zone, really believe that there is absolutely nothing I can do any more at this point. There is freedom in surrender etc.

The advice I keep giving everyone with your kind of issue on these threads is just to put yourselves in the social situations as much as possible, meet as many guys as you can, as that is the necessary first condition to meeting someone special, of course. Other than that, it is all up to fate/God/nature/not you or me, anyway.

The best of luck to you!

unattendedbag

Just gonna throw this out there but has anyone ever gave a a slight bit of thought to dating abroad? I dont mean mail-order bride scams or the illegal stuff like that, but have you ever considered dating someone in a different country? It will open you up to a whole new culture and broaden your horizons, you never know it may lead to a whole new adventure. Its not easy having a long-distance relationship but can be hugely rewarding if it succeeds.

Emme

out_of_date wrote: »

I am starting to feel that we live in a new, shallow kind of world, where long term commitment is no longer realistic, when people break up so easily, and the internet offers cheap, quick thrills at will, and everyone has far too high ideals which are humanly outside the odds of reality.

I feel exactly the same way. I am sick of going out and meeting guys who only seem to want a one-night stand. Recently some friends and myself had a bitching session about the whole dating scene and somebody said "are one-night-stands the only way to get intimacy and physical closeness these days?" If this is the case it's terribly sad, because in my opinion one-night-stands and intimacy are diametrically opposed. No matter how civilised the venue, men in Dublin only seem to want one-night-stands and the internet is pretty much the same.

I can understand how a woman in her early 30s like the OP and women older than that finds it hard to meet someone, but how can a man of 44 like out_of_date find it hard when there are so many women out there? It's not that I don't feel for him but if if he lives in Dublin he shouldn't have any problem meeting women unless he's very shy. Eitherways I wish both the OP and out_of_date luck in the dating scene.

unattendedbag makes a very good point. My two longest relationships were with guys from different countries and I had positive experiences with both of them. I might get flamed for this, but I find that some Irish men only talk to women if they want to shag them, whereas foreign men talk to you because you're a fellow human being. Another factor is that there's not such a big drinking culture in other countries apart from the UK and sober people are generally more civilised.

dellas1979

Some people have no luck and some people do. Simple as. I went out with 2 people from different parts of the world and it didnt work out! Got to keep the chin up.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same boat - though can't say I'm that lonely.
I've actually given up on finding a decent man to have a relationship with. I'm also in a different place in that I don't want to ever get married or have kids.
That basically really narrows my pool down to men who are just looking for casual sex.

As the last poster said, I think men in Dublin are just looking for a one night stand. And they never talk to you unless they are a) looking for sex and b) drunk off their heads.

I've actually become quite jaded and even starting to resent men. I tried the internet dating thing and all I saw on there were liars, cheaters, chat/internet addicts, and men looking for casual sex.

The trouble with me is that I'm settling for casual sex with an fbuddy who is further ruining my opinion of men. In fact, he makes me even more resentful of men and how basically the world is their oyster. They can use and abuse women as much as they want and it doesn't affect them. They can age gracefully, they can have kids whenever they want and can even get some stupid 20 year old to marry them in their 60s!

Us women are set out to pasture once we hit 35 because men automatically assume we have a biological clock that's ticking.

As another poster suggested - foreign men are the way to go. I'm not from Ireland originally and dating and relationships was a huge culture shock for me when I moved here. The only trouble is there are very few foreign men here who socialise outside their communities so it's hard to meet any. And I don't see any point in a long distance relationship - just as well to be single.

OP I have no advice for you just to say you are not alone. There are many of us out there who would like a nice, easy going relationship with someone but the reality of getting it seems out of our grasp. I also can't promise you that it will happen - that you will find the relationship you desire. I see so many of my single friends and acquainances who are alone and have been for years. They are beautiful, smart, independent, women but their age works against them. They too have kinda given up hope.

Ive just decided to make myself as happy as I can be on my own. That's all we can do really.

LegacyUser

Am trying to be happy, but everything seems pointless right now. I cry a lot. I mean a lot. Ive even found myself crying at work. 1/2 because of my ex and how he treated me (or how I allowed him to treat me) and 1/2 because I am so lonely.

Ive had 3 serious relationships now (all foreign men by the way) and all have fallen apart. Each time I fall it is harder to get back up. I am now in my 30s and am at a crawl at the moment. My entusiasm is gone. Lust for life is gone. Is this all life has to offer me?
The only thing keeping me sane right now is faith. I am not too religious (bi-annual trip to mass on christmas and easter) but I cant believe faith/the world/universe is this cruel to me. Ive never intentionally hurt a fly.

The one thing I would love in the world seems impossible to get.

G-Money

I'd just like to say that not all men in Dublin are after casual sex/ONS. I live in Dublin and I'm not after either of those two things. Although I'm from the north so I suppose some people would label me a foreigner

Seriously though, there are some decent guys left out there. We're not all like the above.

LegacyUser

I was also in my 30's and had given up on meeting a guy. I tried everything and had accepted that I was going to be on my own and never likely to find a guy. Also, I'd met plenty of guys who I got on well with on a date, and who didn't respond to contact afterwards, which was maddening and made me question my judgement.

Just as I'd given up, I had a date and met a lovely man who I have been with now for 18 months and i feel incredibly lucky.

there is hope out there and my advice is to keep looking - guys grow up slower than girls, generally, and once you start to date guys in their mid 30's upwards yuo might be surprised than many of them will also be looking for love and companionship, rather than superficial sex.

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

I'd just like to say that not all men in Dublin are after casual sex/ONS. I live in Dublin and I'm not after either of those two things. Although I'm from the north so I suppose some people would label me a foreigner

Seriously though, there are some decent guys left out there. We're not all like the above.

Well, just because you're not into ONS doesn't mean that you still don't fit the bill I've described. I mean, think about the type of girl you go for - younger i bet, and conventionally 'hot' and probably out of your league.

That's the thing with men, they always think about how they can do better....it's very superficial with them!

To the last poster who says men grow up quicker - I find Irish men in their 30s the worst!

OP I have to say it's a little over the top to be crying your head off over being single only a year. If you were in a serious relationship before that then you need at least a year to heal properly. I think you should put that in perspective.

Sorry to hear that you are messed up over your last relationship. It sounds like you haven't actually gotten over that yet - so a relationship is probably not a good idea for you. Take some time and lick your wounds then get out and enjoy life and don't worry about being single just yet!

You've a long time to go as a singleton before you get as jaded as I am.

LegacyUser

singandlonely wrote: »

Am trying to be happy, but everything seems pointless right now. I cry a lot. I mean a lot. Ive even found myself crying at work. 1/2 because of my ex and how he treated me (or how I allowed him to treat me) and 1/2 because I am so lonely.

Ive had 3 serious relationships now (all foreign men by the way) and all have fallen apart. Each time I fall it is harder to get back up. I am now in my 30s and am at a crawl at the moment. My entusiasm is gone. Lust for life is gone. Is this all life has to offer me?
The only thing keeping me sane right now is faith. I am not too religious (bi-annual trip to mass on christmas and easter) but I cant believe faith/the world/universe is this cruel to me. Ive never intentionally hurt a fly.

The one thing I would love in the world seems impossible to get.

Here's a hug. Everything you describe is me. All I ever wanted was a loving relationship too. Sex is an animal instinct that your body demands relentlessly, particularly when you aren't getting any. But outside of sex, there is something indescribable about knowing there is someone there to smile at you and hug you when you come home, someone who will listen to what you have to say absolutely non judgementally, who you can sit quietly beside in silence, sharing a deep understanding and warmth with that needs no words.

As I mentioned earlier, I had much of that for just six months. Perhaps when you have grown up never having had a problem with relationships, drifting from one to another, you become complacent, taking things for granted. I can never really understand couples who bicker and fight constantly, it just seems so stupid and pointless. I imagine there's an element of greed involved, wanting more out of life than you are willing to put back. One night stands are the ultimate expression of that, a bit like going into a shop, stuffing your face with sweets, and not having to pay anything for it. You have to put back into life what you take out, otherwise there is no real fulfilment.

I have spent so long alone, that I have become very introspective. I have had years and years of lonely nights to think about life, how it all comes together. I was shy and awkward when I was younger, I started out very badly. I was in my thirties before I began to gain the confidence required in life. But I find myself in my forties now, having missed out on a decade or two of my life, and it can be hard to explain to people why that is so. I have a very good and rounded outlook on life now, and I have great life experience from different things I have done.

There ARE decent guys out there. But they are lost in the melee. Think of the crowd at a soccer match, all baying for victory, roaring and shouting. Picture ten thousand heads all bobbing around, waving arms and screaming. How do you pick out the few single, eligible individuals? You can't. Life is like that. There is a huge element of luck involved, being in the right place at the right time.

I think part of my trouble meeting and dating girls, can be divided into two broad, generalised categories. Most women, particularly younger women, like guys, just want to go out every night drinking and partying and clubbing. There seems to be a comfort zone in a noisy club, where you cannot hear yourself think, where you can be one of the crowd, and not stand out as different from the herd. Even loud, extrovert people who want to be noticed, still want to follow the herd. Nobody really wants to be seen to be different. I embrace being different, I am not afraid of it, and I think that might be what puts off some people. I will never follow the herd.

On the other hand, I find an increasing number of women, and this time particularly the slightly older ones, become very bitter. They have done the whole internet dating thing, as well as the pub and club circuit. They have encountered an overwhelming amount of this one night stand phenomenon. Constantly fending off the messers, the one night stands, the two timers, the liars, the cheaters, they become embittered, and start to imagine that all men are like that. They enter a date situation on the offensive, the guy must be another liar and cheater, and it is up to him to prove otherwise. This is a sad and unfortunate way to meet a decent guy, as they will be put off straight away. While women get hounded for one night stands online, I find I get practically no responses to my profiles or messages, and the few I do, can often be very aggressive and accusatory. I'm going to think that any prospective relationship is going to be very similar, and I'm not going to want any part of that.

Of course that is a general opinion from the male perspective. Like me, within that there are some very nice, lonely girls, who are lost in the crowd, trying to be noticed. Life is hard that way. It is the human instinct to follow the crowd, to be the same as everyone else. If you are slightly different, Darwin's law would not seem to favour you.

The only advice I can give OP, is to keep trying. Please, please, DON'T grow bitter. That will only make it harder for you. Life is hard sometimes, even cruel, and there are people with unbelieveable problems out there. But there is somebody just like you, and surely one day you will cross their path. You never know when that might be, so always be prepared, be in a good frame of mind, because when it happens, you don't want to let it slip away. Even with all your sadness and problems, put that smile on every morning, because that smile is the one and only thing you have. It is your defence, it is your selling point, and by smiling on the outside, it will help you to smile on the inside too. And that is the most attractive thing any of us have.

Emme

dontgiveuphope wrote: »

there is hope out there and my advice is to keep looking - guys grow up slower than girls, generally, and once you start to date guys in their mid 30's upwards yuo might be surprised than many of them will also be looking for love and companionship, rather than superficial sex.

Sorry, but I find that guys in their mid-30s up tend to be extremely arrogant and they have an enormous sense of entitlement, at least in Dublin. The guys of 35-39 aren't the worst, but the ones over 40 think they're god's gift. I feel bad for those who had bad experiences with foreign men, at least I have the happy memories of those two relationships to look back on.

I'm happy for don'tgiveuphope and I'm sure there are other decent guys out there but she's the exception rather than the rule. Where did you meet your bf, don'tgiveuphope?

No matter how bad things are, it's not worth sitting in crying over it. You have to pick yourself up and find other things to do to take your mind off dating. Put it at the bottom of your list of priorities. I don't think that f*buddies are a solution - if you feel bad about yourself and resent men afterwards you're only indulging in self-destructive behaviour, it's like drinking to cure a hangover.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Sorry, but I find that guys in their mid-30s up tend to be extremely arrogant and they have an enormous sense of entitlement, at least in Dublin. The guys of 35-39 aren't the worst, but the ones over 40 think they're god's gift and have no interest in women their own age. If you're 5 or 6 years younger than them they don't want to know no matter how well you keep yourself, they'd rather date someone 15 or 16 years younger.

You see, this backs up my point. The internet dating sites are full of women like this, and although their words might not spell it out so specifically, the attitude comes across. In their opinion, EVERY guy is a liar, a cheat and only after sex. I often wonder why they post profiles on dating websites at all, as they are bound to be disappointed.

You reap what you sow, and if you go through life with this attitude, the decent guys will run a mile from you, and only the sex merchants will try it on. It's a vicious circle. I wouldn't date a girl like this, to be accused and made little of from the word go.

I get bitter sometimes too. But you have to fight it. If I was to approach girls with a bitter attitude, I'd never get a date! I always take a bright outlook on life, even if sometimes life is hard. You can't go through life looking down your nose at people. So many do, and it's why society has become so mean and difficult. You have to make an effort, and try to spread a bit of lightness and happiness, and make the most of the short life we have.

Emme

Edited by Emme

LegacyUser

out_of_date and emmy thanks for the positive talk - I need that.
It is very easy to fall but extemely hard to get up. I have a feeling that some people giving advice here have never had a fall.

I live in the countryside no where near Dublin so I dont know about talking about being single in Dublin. I have never had a one night stand. Each to their own, if I was in a good place in my mind maybe something like that for a bit of sexual relief would be ok to do, but not for love and attention - this is why I intentionally stay away from alcohol too (I drink maybe one night a week but never on my own). When you feel sorry for yourself it is easy to get into a mindset and get bad habits (drink, money/gambling/drugs etc).

Havent even been asked on a date in god knows how long. Maybe one of the posters was right that I need to take time and lick my wounds - yes you are right they have not healed fully from the last relationship. I cry a lot. Think crying is ok - at least it gets it out of you.

G-Money

pmokw wrote: »

Well, just because you're not into ONS doesn't mean that you still don't fit the bill I've described. I mean, think about the type of girl you go for - younger i bet, and conventionally 'hot' and probably out of your league.

That's the thing with men, they always think about how they can do better....it's very superficial with them!

To the last poster who says men grow up quicker - I find Irish men in their 30s the worst!

You've a long time to go as a singleton before you get as jaded as I am.

That's a bit of an assumption. I like different types of girls. The last girl I really fancied was actually a year or two older than me. I thought she was very hot but I suspect she probably wouldn't stand out of the crowd and therefore wouldn't fall into the bracket you mention of "conventionally" hot. I just found her attractive.

Also another girl that I recently felt a spark with was about 30 and I suppose she might not fall into what you'd categorise as conventionally hot. But again I found her very attractive and there was something about her.

I could argue as well that all single girls in their 30's are that way and it's their own fault as they have standards that are so high, they're impossible for anyone to ever attain. Bar the George Clooney and Brad Pitt types. But I don't think that.

To be honest, your post sounds kind of bitter...

Cunsiderthis

Emme wrote: »

Sorry, but I find that guys in their mid-30s up tend to be extremely arrogant and they have an enormous sense of entitlement, at least in Dublin. The guys of 35-39 aren't the worst, but the ones over 40 think they're god's gift. I feel bad for those who had bad experiences with foreign men, at least I have the happy memories of those two relationships to look back on.

I'm happy for don'tgiveuphope and I'm sure there are other decent guys out there but she's the exception rather than the rule. Where did you meet your bf, don'tgiveuphope?

No matter how bad things are, it's not worth sitting in crying over it. You have to pick yourself up and find other things to do to take your mind off dating. Put it at the bottom of your list of priorities. I don't think that f*buddies are a solution - if you feel bad about yourself and resent men afterwards you're only indulging in self-destructive behaviour, it's like drinking to cure a hangover.

I can't agree that sex (with a f buddy or not an f buddy) is self destructive behaviour. Sex is a normal adult urge, and is life affirming and wonderful and is proven to be a stress reliever and good for us.

Why is it that some Irish people think sex is something dirty and unsavoury? it's not, its a normal adult need and is wonderful, pleasurable and beautiful too.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

In my darker moments I admit that I am bitter. I put some of that down to a sexual assault on a date a few years ago (I was dropping off a guy I'd been seeing, he invited me in for coffee and it wasn't the first time I'd been in his house. We hadn't had sex but he had pressured me before. He lived with his sister and I found out afterwards that she was away that night. An Irish guy, well bred and well fed, he appeared to be the picture of respectability. How wrong I was! He went for me but luckily I managed to fight him off and escape but it left its scars. He was 46 at the time, I was 34. Since then I haven't been able to trust anyone and I haven't been able to enjoy sex. I've probably passed up a few decent guys without realising it - according to one male friend I sometimes give off a very scary "f*** off" vibe!:D Don't judge us older women for being bitter, there's often a good reason just as there is often a reason for men being bitter.

I know I'm going off topic here, but it annoys me the way that the stereotypical date sexual assault victim is a college student - I reckon it happens to women of all ages but older women are afraid to admit it.

Sorry to hear about that terrible experience. That is a criminal assault, no matter what way you look at it. I am posting anonymously, so the time delay makes it hard to give prompt replies. This post appeared after I had made the previous post!

Rest assured, decent guys hate these wasters as much as you do. It seems every time I want to meet a girl, post an online profile, whatever, I am competing twenty-to-one with hordes of these guys rushing headlong for wherever the next quick sexual fix is to be obtained. How is my small voice to be heard in the clamour?

I can only repeat again, try not to be bitter, or at least mask it if you can. I encounter so many bitter girls, and I would run a mile from them, as I couldn't imagine a relaxed, happy life with someone who is on the offensive all the time. You only have to read through some of the ladies' profiles on the dating sites, to see how openly bitter and distrustful they are. I won't even contact these people, I don't want my face bitten off!

Sorry to hog the OP's thread...

Emme

Cunsiderthis wrote: »

I can't agree that sex (with a f buddy or not an f buddy) is self destructive behaviour. Sex is a normal adult urge, and is life affirming and wonderful and is proven to be a stress reliever and good for us.

Why is it that some Irish people think sex is something dirty and unsavoury? it's not, its a normal adult need and is wonderful, pleasurable and beautiful too.

My experiences might have coloured my opinions, but I don't think that a succession of one night stands is a substitute for a loving relationship. There's a difference between having a one night stand once every 6 months and having them every weekend - it seems to me that many people in contemporary Ireland have one night stands every weekend.

We tend to go to extremes in Ireland - we had the religious fundamentalist era where everything sexual was wrong and books/TV programmes with sexual content were banned. Now it has swung the opposite way where Irish people are going out, getting hammered and having a succession of one night stands with random strangers. I read somewhere that you need to trust somebody more to sleep beside them than to have sex with them and that people often have one night stands to prevent themselves getting close to people and to avoid communication.

Having drunken sex with a a stranger and being chucked out into the rainy wee hours after he/she has had his/her fun is anything but life affirming or wonderful, rather stressful and certainly not good for you.

Emme

out_of_date wrote: »

You see, this backs up my point. The internet dating sites are full of women like this, and although their words might not spell it out so specifically, the attitude comes across. In their opinion, EVERY guy is a liar, a cheat and only after sex. I often wonder why they post profiles on dating websites at all, as they are bound to be disappointed.

You reap what you sow, and if you go through life with this attitude, the decent guys will run a mile from you, and only the sex merchants will try it on. It's a vicious circle. I wouldn't date a girl like this, to be accused and made little of from the word go.

I get bitter sometimes too. But you have to fight it. If I was to approach girls with a bitter attitude, I'd never get a date! I always take a bright outlook on life, even if sometimes life is hard. You can't go through life looking down your nose at people. So many do, and it's why society has become so mean and difficult. You have to make an effort, and try to spread a bit of lightness and happiness, and make the most of the short life we have.

I'm not going to argue with you but that last remark has almost made me cry. On good days I'm positive but I'm not superhuman and I have my dark times too. Nobody is bitter by choice. Scratch the surface of any bitter person and you will find a lot of pain and some very good reasons for the way that person is. I wished you luck in an earlier remark and that still stands. Just don't judge people so harshly when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes. The sad thing is that bitterness is by and large a front and a kind, loving person often lurks behind that front dying to get a chance to come out. The Irish "will ya get up the yard!" attitude can be a bit offputting as well and may come across as harsh.

Have you tried any other ways of meeting women apart from the internet? I have always found face-to-face in the real world much better than the internet, you tend to meet more genuine people if you don't take into account pubs and clubs.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I'm not going to argue with you but that last remark has almost made me cry. On good days I'm positive but I'm not superhuman and I have my dark times too. Nobody is bitter by choice. Scratch the surface of any bitter person and you will find a lot of pain and some very good reasons for the way that person is. I wished you luck in an earlier remark and that still stands. Just don't judge people so harshly when you haven't walked a mile in their shoes.

Have you tried any other ways of meeting women apart from the internet? I have always found face-to-face in the real world much better than the internet, you tend to meet more genuine people if you don't take into account pubs and clubs.

*Big hug for Emme too*

I'm sorry, like I say, the delay in posting as an anonymous poster makes it difficult to respond promptly.

There is an awful lot of untapped hurt, anger, bewilderment and questions out there. I often wonder if there is a forum where lonely people can go, ask questions, gain consolation and support, make friends, and generally feel better and more positive about themselves. This PI forum helps, but due to the random nature of the threads, people don't make connections as much, every post is just another anonymous voice in the wilderness.

People who understand real loneliness can be a great support for others who have lived through it and understand it. Perhaps friendships and relationships can even be made that way. I have some chance of meeting people in Dublin, I have social options. But by the OP's account, she lives in an isolated setting, so her options are limited. The internet at least opens her to a world she would otherwise not have. It would be nice to have an internet forum which was empty of trolling and sex sharks, somewhere comfortable to go.

Emme

singandlonely wrote: »

out_of_date and emmy thanks for the positive talk - I need that.
It is very easy to fall but extemely hard to get up. I have a feeling that some people giving advice here have never had a fall.

I live in the countryside no where near Dublin so I dont know about talking about being single in Dublin. I have never had a one night stand. Each to their own, if I was in a good place in my mind maybe something like that for a bit of sexual relief would be ok to do, but not for love and attention - this is why I intentionally stay away from alcohol too (I drink maybe one night a week but never on my own). When you feel sorry for yourself it is easy to get into a mindset and get bad habits (drink, money/gambling/drugs etc).

Havent even been asked on a date in god knows how long. Maybe one of the posters was right that I need to take time and lick my wounds - yes you are right they have not healed fully from the last relationship. I cry a lot. Think crying is ok - at least it gets it out of you.

I think that being single in Dublin and single in the country are pretty much the same. If people want one-night-stands that's their business but I wouldn't recommend it, you need to have a tough emotional constitution for that sort of thing.

Do you enjoy hillwalking? There used to be a dating website called www.muddymatches.com which as well as being a dating site organises walks in the country. That might be a bit of fun and get more genuine people than the average dating site.

It's ok to cry, but don't let it go on for too long. Life is short and no matter what happens you have to pick yourself up and go on.

LegacyUser

Emme and out_of_date both of you seem so strong - is it because you have come to terms with being single and alone? do you feel some day you will meet someone?

I am 31 - I have a very good friend who is 37, and she is trying so hard to meet someone before it becomes too late (kids-wise). Maybe I will never meet someone and have children - ok ok. Ive got to stop thinking like this as its getting me no where but the chances are high at this stage Ill end up alone.

Then again, maybe if I dealt with my problems and stopped going around with a scowly face things might also change. TBH I havent ever had any fellas ever pester me for a ONS or for sex. I have been told I can be intimidating in my own right - I am tall, good figure and, by my own standards I am a cracker. I feel right now as I type this that I am on an edge. I agree with you also that it would be nice to have a forum for us types. Might PM at some stage - I think support is something I am lacking as my friends and family dont understand what I am going through.

Emme

Edited by Emme

Miss_Ellie

I'd like to add my two-cent worth to this debate, if I may.

I too have ran the gamut of dating in Ireland. I have met numerous guys - all kinds: tall, small, fat, thin, funny, serious etc etc - but I am still on my own and am growing ever more despondant.

The rejection one faces when out on the dating scene is quite incredible. I would consider myself to be moderately attractive, funny, intelligent, interested in loads of different things, active. But as I traverse the dating pond (swamp?? :rolleyes:) in Ireland I have found myself losing more and more confidence.

I feel utterly unattractive and worthless. I realise that I will be alone for the rest of my days - and the thought makes me very sad. But I have to face facts - dating in Ireland is a blood sport and is not for the faint hearted!!

So, I've taken a step back from it - for the sake of my sanity. I do not want to become bitter and twisted. I want to believe in happy endings and that life can be good. Just because I want something doesn't mean I'll get it!

I actually cannot understand the dating scene in Ireland. It puzzles me immensly! I do not know what men are looking for (well, I DO know what they're looking for.....but I also believe its not all about sex).

Are men in Ireland intimidated by independant women? I would have thought we had gone beyond that.

I am 39. I've raised my child on my own - he's now almost ready to head off to college. I've loads of friends. I enjoy socialising - going to matches and horse racing. Yet, I'm alone - and I must face the fact that I will, in all probability, be alone for ever more.

The thought doesn't scare me. I know I'll cope. But the though does make me incredibly lonely and upset. I've coped all along...........but I'd like more than just coping.

The lonliness that comes from doing things on your own, constantly, is hard to describe. It is like a physical pain in the pit of my stomach at times. The lonliness of going to a party alone, buying paint for a room alone, going for a walk alone is quite intense.

But I do try to stay positive. And right now, for me, that means stepping back and looking at the alternative. The alternative is the reality of a life on my own without a partner or someone special of share it with.

I enjoy men and love their company. I don't want to turn out twisted and bitter and tar every man with the same brush. There are loads and loads of fabulous wonderful men out there......just as there are loads of fab women.

So, OP, you are definately not alone in feeling like you do. There are so many others that feel the same.

Which is quite ironic really when you think of it..........if so many people all feel the same......Hmmmmmm!!!!

G-Money

Miss_Ellie wrote: »

Are men in Ireland intimidated by independant women? I would have thought we had gone beyond that.

We're not.

To be blunt, this is a line that's thrown out a lot by women who for whatever reason have been unsuccessful when it comes to dating and relationships and this is then used to explain, either in part or in full, why they haven't met the right person. The reality is that there could be any number of other reasons why they haven't met the right person, career, not willing to invest the time, standards which are impossible for anyone, to reach to name a few.

What is the definition of an independent woman? Someone who has a job and can pay her own way? Someone who doesn't need a guy attached to her hip 24/7 and can do things herself? I'd say for a lot of guys that's the least they would expect in any potential partner, not just one who is "independent".

To suggest that men in Ireland are intimidated by independent women is completely wrong and rarely, if ever, the reason why a woman hasn't met the right guy yet.

catlovesmike

Hi all, Im going to quote the biggest cliche in the book right now, but you meet someone when you are NOT looking for them, it really is just like that. I am an Australian in my 30's who moved here 4 years ago, and had a string of dates and attachments with Irish men who talked the talk, but had no interest in the walk if you know what I mean! Sure I had fun with each and every one of them, some hurt me more than others, and some were lovely. The one thing they all had in common was me and my eagerness to meet someone special! I wouldnt say I was desperate but there was probably a wiff of it about me! Then, when I had finally decided to return home to Oz, and had mentally (and very verbally) decided to stop looking and caring about finding any men around me (in a nice way!) i went to a party with friends and met by absolute fate and chance, the man who has since become my husband. I had honestly given up on the big relationship and truly think that was probably why I met him. Im not saying it was a fairy-tale (nothing is!) but it was as much about fate and my attitude that I was lucky enough to meet this brilliant man. I empathise with the men on here too as my husbands best friend is the nicest guy, quite cute and very single and cannot understand why, I think when we (both men and women) start being nicer to each other, not judging people on such a ridiculous checklist of what we expect a person to be, and being easier on ourselves and simply STOP looking, these things have a way of falling into place. Sorry to ramble

Emme

Miss_Ellie wrote: »

I actually cannot understand the dating scene in Ireland. It puzzles me immensly! I do not know what men are looking for (well, I DO know what they're looking for.....but I also believe its not all about sex).

There is no "dating" scene in Ireland per se. I don't that we've evolved enough as a society to understand the concept of treating a human being of the opposite gender with respect - that applies to women as well as men by the way. For generations Irish people depended on matchmakers to get together - he's 50 and has 50 acres planted with spuds, she's a sturdy 18 year old who looks like she can give him 18 strong sons... Then there were tennis club dances where the son of the local doctor and the daughter of the local solicitor got together under the beady eyes of their respective parents. I went out with an Indian guy for a while and came to the conclusion that in Ireland we have more in common with Indian society than with European society when it comes to people getting together.

We went very quickly from being a sexually segregated society where books like Ulysses were banned to being a coke and credit fuelled society hell bent on catching up with the rest of Europe by hook or by crook. Unfortunately we moved so fast we didn't learn how to interact with the opposite gender, we just got drunk and shagged each other instead so we don't have the subtlety, style or manners of our European counterparts.

Naturally there are going to be casualties of this revolution and single women over 35 are among the biggest casualties. There was a shortage of available men when we were in our 20s because so many of them emigrated during the 80s and 90s. There was no divorce so there were no older single men either. We were brought up not to sleep with guys straight away and in some cases stay virginal until marriage. Guys of our generation were brought up in the same way but they have more of a choice of partners now and it's difficult for any man in his 30s or up to resist a hot, willing young Celtic Tiger cub. OK, the recession has hit now but the Celtic Tiger generation has a totally different mindset to our generation.

I always said that I would only have children if I met the right partner, I didn't and I have no regrets for not settling for somebody who would be a less than ideal father. By that I mean physically/emotionally abusive, lazy and alcoholic men. I may or may not settle for less now that my chances of having children have diminished, but if I settle it will be on my terms and not because I'm caving in to societal pressure not to be single over a certain age. You're better off on your own with good friends than to be with a partner who hurts you or destroys your soul.

I don't believe that these things have a habit of falling into place and that you find someone when you stop looking - that's a complete fallacy, IMHO. However, I would advise any single woman over 35 to emigrate if she can - unfortunately I can't. A London based friend said that in England men are much more willing to have relationships than Irish men and that if I were in London I wouldn't be single. I don't know - faraway fields always look greener but sometimes it's just a matter of getting out of a rut and acquiring a new mindset.

mood

I'm in the same but only feel a little lonely when I'm bord or have too much time on my hands, which is too often right now as I am out of work.

I think I am afraid of getting hurt again and this prevents me form meeting someone taking a chance. I was asked out a good while ago but said no. I told myself that this was because he was just out of a relationship but I think I just couldn't have handled getting hurt at the time. I saw the guy again recently and still regrete saying no. He seems really nice! I'm kicking myself.

Cunsiderthis

Emme wrote: »

My experiences might have coloured my opinions, but I don't think that a succession of one night stands is a substitute for a loving relationship. There's a difference between having a one night stand once every 6 months and having them every weekend - it seems to me that many people in contemporary Ireland have one night stands every weekend.

.

Its not a case of either/or. While a series of one night stands may not be for you ( we all have to decide these things for ourselves), a f. buddy ( as mentioned in the previous post) doesn't sound like a one night stand to me.

My point is that sex, in whatever context we decide for ourselves, is often good for us.

Emme

Cunsiderthis wrote: »

Its not a case of either/or. While a series of one night stands may not be for you ( we all have to decide these things for ourselves), a f. buddy ( as mentioned in the previous post) doesn't sound like a one night stand to me.

My point is that sex, in whatever context we decide for ourselves, is often good for us.

F*buddies are fine but one person in the arrangement often ends up getting hurt. People need to be clear with each other what the arrangement is.

I dated a guy for 10 months and dumped him when he cheated on me. He turned around and said to me "we were only f*buddies anyway, it was nothing serious!" :eek: I didn't think that but obviously he did. I was more upset about that than him cheating on me.

mood

Emme wrote: »

F*buddies are fine but one person in the arrangement often ends up getting hurt. People need to be clear with each other what the arrangement is.

I dated a guy for 10 months and dumped him when he cheated on me. He turned around and said to me "we were only f*buddies anyway, it was nothing serious!" :eek: I didn't think that but obviously he did. I was more upset about that than him cheating on me.

OMG. Really shows that we need to talk more. The chat about what where you stand is nerve wrecking but need to be done more to avoid crap like this. Your well rid.

G-Money

catlovesmike wrote: »

Hi all, Im going to quote the biggest cliche in the book right now, but you meet someone when you are NOT looking for them, it really is just like that. I am an Australian in my 30's who moved here 4 years ago, and had a string of dates and attachments with Irish men who talked the talk, but had no interest in the walk if you know what I mean! Sure I had fun with each and every one of them, some hurt me more than others, and some were lovely. The one thing they all had in common was me and my eagerness to meet someone special! I wouldnt say I was desperate but there was probably a wiff of it about me! Then, when I had finally decided to return home to Oz, and had mentally (and very verbally) decided to stop looking and caring about finding any men around me (in a nice way!) i went to a party with friends and met by absolute fate and chance, the man who has since become my husband. I had honestly given up on the big relationship and truly think that was probably why I met him. Im not saying it was a fairy-tale (nothing is!) but it was as much about fate and my attitude that I was lucky enough to meet this brilliant man. I empathise with the men on here too as my husbands best friend is the nicest guy, quite cute and very single and cannot understand why, I think when we (both men and women) start being nicer to each other, not judging people on such a ridiculous checklist of what we expect a person to be, and being easier on ourselves and simply STOP looking, these things have a way of falling into place. Sorry to ramble

That's nice to know cat. I'm wondering if I should adopt a similar strategy to yours. I would like a gf, but like you, I possibly may be thinking about it too much and perhaps there's a scent of desperation coming off me, although I don't think there is. But you know yourself, it can be hard to judge these things.

I guess for me the hard part is actually switching off that "I'd like to meet a girl" voice in my head and actually sort of not caring, like you did. It's easy enough to unsubscribe from internet dating sites and the like, but then I run the risk of not going out often enough or not having enough activities that get me out of the house and meeting people. So then I feel I'm going back to square one in that while I might get to the point where I stop looking, I'm not going to meet anyone anyway as I'm not doing enough. Bit of a vicious circle

It's easy to say that "I'm not looking for someone" but in your head you know you still are and you'd still like to meet someone. Like if you're invited to a party or some night out, it can be hard to not think "I wonder if I will meet someone tonight". I haven't figured out how to go from saying I'm not looking and not really caring so much, to actually genuinely thinking that and meaning that.

Hope I'm not waffling too much.

mood

The 'not looking' doesn't work. I have genuine not been looking at times and told myself I wasn't looking at other times and nothing changes!

LegacyUser

singandlonely wrote: »

Didnt mean for that to sound like an advert!

Am female, early 30s, single a year. Not one date. Not one. I do go out and socialise but never seem to meet anyone. Terrified Ill end up alone (would love to have a baby or two).

At the end of the day am lonely.
I have hobbies etc. I just wish could meet someone special.

Any others out there feel like this? Any heartening positive stories?

I think theres a post like this every couple of days on PI. And you get the usual, join a club responses or try internet dating, blah blah blah........I suppose it does reflect how terrible the Irish dating scene is. Its shocking really.
But You gotta get on with your life and not worry so much about ending up alone OP. Its a possibility of course, you may very well end up alone. Same way that you may get run over by a bus when you walk out your front door every day. Or develop cancer or fall and break you leg. These things are possibilities but you wouldnt worry too much about them or let them dictate how happy or sad you are. Everyday you live with the possibility of so many bad things happening to you but you dont let the potential of bad things happening control your life. So why would you sit around crying over the possibility of ending up alone? Accept that it could happen and then let it go.
Someone said it already but Id like to reiterate: Be careful about bitterness setting in. It can happen very gradually and you can be unaware of it, but its there for all the world to see. And bitterness is ugly. There was a post earlier and it was dripping with lemon juice. Yes I know theres a reason why people become bitter and those reasons could be very innocent. But people dont normally look that deep, if they encounter a bitter person they run a mile, they dont stop and ponder the reasons how that person came to be the way they are.
Just be aware is all Im saying. I know its hard not to become resentful when youre not getting love or sex or companionship. You start to see the opposite sex as horrible, vile, nasty, ignorant, selfish etc. But thats just a defense mechanism. When people dont get what they want or what they believe they need then they experience loss. But most people dont handle loss very well and what happens is they get angry start to deny they need this or that in the first place. Its easier to lash out and get angry than it is to just sit and accept a loss. So just be aware OP, as soon as you start hating men and claiming theyre all good for nothing, only after one thing, sons of bitches, then thats the point at which you should stop, take a time out and reflect a bit about whats really behind the way you feel.
Anyway I know it can be tough when all around you it seems everybody has somebody but like I said, just accept the loss and get on with your life, thats all you can do really.

Cunsiderthis

Emme wrote: »

F*buddies are fine but one person in the arrangement often ends up getting hurt. People need to be clear with each other what the arrangement is.

I dated a guy for 10 months and dumped him when he cheated on me. He turned around and said to me "we were only f*buddies anyway, it was nothing serious!" :eek: I didn't think that but obviously he did. I was more upset about that than him cheating on me.

Many relationships end due to miscommunication. With STI's nowadays, its important to be clear as to the status of the relationship. While your post implies that you both made assumptions about the nature of the relationship, its also true that one person can end up getting hurt as a result of any type of relationship.

The price of love is, after all, pain, and the point of being hurt by a relationship is to try to learn from it and avoid the same mistake in the next relationship.

Relationships are, often, not easy.

LegacyUser

today070410 wrote: »

I think theres a post like this every couple of days on PI. And you get the usual, join a club responses or try internet dating, blah blah blah........I suppose it does reflect how terrible the Irish dating scene is. Its shocking really.
But You gotta get on with your life and not worry so much about ending up alone OP. Its a possibility of course, you may very well end up alone. Same way that you may get run over by a bus when you walk out your front door every day. Or develop cancer or fall and break you leg. These things are possibilities but you wouldnt worry too much about them or let them dictate how happy or sad you are. Everyday you live with the possibility of so many bad things happening to you but you dont let the potential of bad things happening control your life. So why would you sit around crying over the possibility of ending up alone? Accept that it could happen and then let it go.
Someone said it already but Id like to reiterate: Be careful about bitterness setting in. It can happen very gradually and you can be unaware of it, but its there for all the world to see. And bitterness is ugly. There was a post earlier and it was dripping with lemon juice. Yes I know theres a reason why people become bitter and those reasons could be very innocent. But people dont normally look that deep, if they encounter a bitter person they run a mile, they dont stop and ponder the reasons how that person came to be the way they are.
Just be aware is all Im saying. I know its hard not to become resentful when youre not getting love or sex or companionship. You start to see the opposite sex as horrible, vile, nasty, ignorant, selfish etc. But thats just a defense mechanism. When people dont get what they want or what they believe they need then they experience loss. But most people dont handle loss very well and what happens is they get angry start to deny they need this or that in the first place. Its easier to lash out and get angry than it is to just sit and accept a loss. So just be aware OP, as soon as you start hating men and claiming theyre all good for nothing, only after one thing, sons of bitches, then thats the point at which you should stop, take a time out and reflect a bit about whats really behind the way you feel.
Anyway I know it can be tough when all around you it seems everybody has somebody but like I said, just accept the loss and get on with your life, thats all you can do really.

great post, very positive : )

I think very positively sometimes, but most of the time, I'm in a dark hole thinking I'll never meet anyone. The loneliness gets to you, meeting men who don't have basic manners gets to you. Friends who've already met their matches keep saying that I'll meet someone. I'm at that stage where I've told them to stop saying that because I find it incredibly patronising. It's like telling a starving person who's depending on a crop that the 6 months of drought won't have any effect on the yield!

I've lost count of the amount of men I've gone on dates with who left me hanging. If I meet a man, and he says he'll ring/text, I just nod and smile. I'll assume he's lying unless he actually texts or rings. I'd say most women don't believe a man when he says he'll ring or text. Going by my own experiences I find men VERY skittish in general, they can't seem to make up their minds about what they want, and find it very easy to pick up and drop women on a whim.

desolate sun

Years ago people settled. They was a certain amount of matchmaking going on, pressure from family/peers to get married. I would say a small proportion of people married their 'soul mates.' Most people were stuck with whoever they ended up with.

While nowadays there is a certain amount of settling going on (and I would say a still worryingly large proportion of couples), people don't want second best anymore. Along with careers and travelling and a million and one choices, people have more choice. We've become fussier and while this is by no means a bad thing, could this be the reason why there are a lot of single 30/40 somethings?

LegacyUser

Today I finally plucked up the confidence to ask out this girl Ive fancied intensely for months (and whom I genuinely thought might be open to dating me).

She more or less replied "F**k off, not interested, get lost forever".

Tonight I feel very single and lonely.

I dont have any constructive advice to offer....I just thought some other people reading this thread could have a little chuckle at my misery.

Its the least I could do.

Victor

SameHere wrote: »

She more or less replied "F**k off, not interested, get lost forever".

I just thought some other people reading this thread could have a little chuckle at my misery.

Its hardly a laughing matter - she was being a bit of a prat.

Now, I did ask a woman for a drink once only to have her wave her wedding ring at me. That was a laughable moment, but importantly we were both able to laugh at it and still be friends.

LegacyUser

Hello,

I'm a younger Irish male, soon to be 28.

I've had 2 lines of interaction with girls around the 30's mark.

1. After a LTR ended a couple of years ago I've had flings (ONS, whatever you want to call them with a few women) that included girls in the late 20's, early 30's bracket

2. Without going into detail I'd be well acquainted with single girls/females (extended family and friends) who are in their early to mid 30's.

So now my opinion.

On many counts these women/girls are carrying around hurt&pain which has morphed into no small measure of bitterness towards lads. Give them some ear-time, talk to them after a few drinks and it's dripping off them.

As a lad, there is no greater turn-off.

In a few incidences where I went home with some people in this bracket who seemed ok ... after(or even during) any shenanegens that took place I began to get the negative remarks
- ah shure I won't hear form you
- ah you're probably always doing this
- find some yung wan
- etc etc

and then in other cases it was

- oh i'm sorry oh i'm sorry
- oh stay
- oh oh etc.

Basically I ran a mile.

Now I am sure that these people are nice, good sorts, and some of my friends and extended family members are just like these people.
But that's not what I want!

I'll speak about ME here (as it might be considered presumptious of me to suggest my thoughts are that of many males).

I want a girl who is
- good fun
- has interests
- has friends
- is typically very good spirited/ in good mood
- isn't selfish
- is a good sort

and then of course
- attractive
- enjoys sex

The last thing I want is a negative or needy girl. The emphasis should be on enjoying yourself. So even though many girls in this position probably have a lot or all of these positive qualities once they start being negative/bitter (often brought on by alcohol) it's time to walk away (for me).

Emme

peop wrote: »

On many counts these women/girls are carrying around hurt&pain which has morphed into no small measure of bitterness towards lads. Give them some ear-time, talk to them after a few drinks and it's dripping off them.

As a lad, there is no greater turn-off.

In a few incidences where I went home with some people in this bracket who seemed ok ... after(or even during) any shenanegens that took place I began to get the negative remarks
- ah shure I won't hear form you
- ah you're probably always doing this
- find some yung wan
- etc etc

and then in other cases it was

- oh i'm sorry oh i'm sorry
- oh stay
- oh oh etc.

Basically I ran a mile.

Now I am sure that these people are nice, good sorts, and some of my friends and extended family members are just like these people.
But that's not what I want!

I'll speak about ME here (as it might be considered presumptious of me to suggest my thoughts are that of many males).

I want a girl who is
- good fun
- has interests
- has friends
- is typically very good spirited/ in good mood
- isn't selfish
- is a good sort

and then of course
- attractive
- enjoys sex

The last thing I want is a negative or needy girl. The emphasis should be on enjoying yourself. So even though many girls in this position probably have a lot or all of these positive qualities once they start being negative/bitter (often brought on by alcohol) it's time to walk away (for me).

Unfortunately the negativity is infectious. One woman in a group says something and it snowballs after that. It's a sort of toxic groupthink that doesn't ALLOW you to be positive. I feel sorry for guys because if one dares to talk to a woman in a group like this there's all these beady eyes on him and they're weighing him up like the jury weighs up a defendent in court. It's best not to hang out with people like that but as you said, many women from 30 up have been bitten several times and can be bitter. If the bitterness in these women could be bottled and turned into oil Ireland would be a bigger fuel producer than Saudi Arabia!

Some of the bitterness stems from not feeling valued or loved. Maybe women need affection more than men - we don't seem to be able to have sex and walk away like men can. Boy do we envy you that!

Mind you, I've met some bitter men too so it cuts both ways.

No matter how strong you are, if you go through an indefinite number of adverse experiences with no hope of something positive to offset that you are at risk of becoming bitter. I'm surprised that there isn't a sort of counselling service for single people (never married, divorced, separated or widowed) who have been through several negative experiences. Something that would help people change their mindset and become more positive. Maybe some relationship counsellor could start a service like that where people could work through their experiences and learn to communicate in a civilised way with the opposite gender. Not in a "make a quick buck from the singles market" way but with a professional approach. A counselling service for singles is badly needed when 30 and 40 somethings still haven't figured out how to communicate with each other in a social situation.

LegacyUser

peop wrote: »

I want a girl who is
- good fun
- has interests
- has friends
- is typically very good spirited/ in good mood
- isn't selfish
- is a good sort

and then of course
- attractive
- enjoys sex

You're very picky. You're probably the skittish type so well known here in Ireland-one flaw and she's gone.
All I need is a man who shows me the same basic manners and respect I show him! It's only in the last five months I've become this negative, I used to be very open to meeting people. I've had a run of real bad luck lately, and now am actually irritated if a man tries to chat me up in a nightclub. You're expected to perform for them. If you don't laugh at their 'jokes', they insult you. On top of this, it's the same old sh*t, same old lines you keep hearing. They're not actually trying to get to know you, they're just applying the formula that worked for them before. How many people here would send the exact same cv into ten jobs that all had different job criteria? You're trying to sell yourself, peddling the same formulaic cr*p over and over again is immediately obvious and not doing you any justice.

There's really no effort being put into getting to know someone. If you're lucky enough to start going out with someone, they get complacent and only get in contact when they feel like it. Which is a bad sign for a lot of women who manage to get into a relationship. Do men not realise that if you don't contact a woman, she's going to assume that you're 'just not that into her'? The reality is that a lot of men let their girlfriends know they're not interested by just not getting in contact in the hope that she'll get the hint. She of course rings him to find out what's going on, which results in the rest of the lads in the pub being told that psycho ex rang today, why won't she get the hint!!

I'm going to come out and say that I am bitter, and have very little time for men and practically roll my eyes when I hear the same sh*t being trotted out. From my experiences with men, their actions never match their words.

I just hope for my own sake it's just a phase because I hate being this negative. In the meantime, I'll just keep away from men because they bring out the worst in me!

Emme

peop wrote: »

I want a girl who is
- good fun
- has interests
- has friends
- is typically very good spirited/ in good mood
- isn't selfish
- is a good sort

and then of course
- attractive
- enjoys sex.

I think that's reasonable and not too much for any of us to ask. He's not specifying a Jessica Alba lookalike, just somebody he could get on with.

unregistered, I know it's tough out there and you have to be on top form, but I regard a night out as a sort of performance, like going on stage. I'm not being false with people but I like to put my best self forward. I put on funky music, dress up, put my make-up on and psych myself up. If you go out to a bar or club you can't take yourself or anyone else too seriously. The bull and the banter are all part of the night out.

What are these guys supposed to say to you anyway? How are they supposed to know what other guys have said to you before? OK, there are smoothies who spin lines and lies but other guys genuinely struggle to talk to a girl.

I had a run of bad luck recently and have decided to lie low for a while and focus on other things. It's best not to go out at all if you can't get yourself into good form.

G-Money

unregistered wrote: »

You're very picky. You're probably the skittish type so well known here in Ireland-one flaw and she's gone.
All I need is a man who shows me the same basic manners and respect I show him! It's only in the last five months I've become this negative, I used to be very open to meeting people. I've had a run of real bad luck lately, and now am actually irritated if a man tries to chat me up in a nightclub. You're expected to perform for them. If you don't laugh at their 'jokes', they insult you. On top of this, it's the same old sh*t, same old lines you keep hearing. They're not actually trying to get to know you, they're just applying the formula that worked for them before. How many people here would send the exact same cv into ten jobs that all had different job criteria? You're trying to sell yourself, peddling the same formulaic cr*p over and over again is immediately obvious and not doing you any justice.

There's really no effort being put into getting to know someone. If you're lucky enough to start going out with someone, they get complacent and only get in contact when they feel like it. Which is a bad sign for a lot of women who manage to get into a relationship. Do men not realise that if you don't contact a woman, she's going to assume that you're 'just not that into her'? The reality is that a lot of men let their girlfriends know they're not interested by just not getting in contact in the hope that she'll get the hint. She of course rings him to find out what's going on, which results in the rest of the lads in the pub being told that psycho ex rang today, why won't she get the hint!!

I'm going to come out and say that I am bitter, and have very little time for men and practically roll my eyes when I hear the same sh*t being trotted out. From my experiences with men, their actions never match their words.

I just hope for my own sake it's just a phase because I hate being this negative. In the meantime, I'll just keep away from men because they bring out the worst in me!

Sorry to hear that you've had a bad run of things, but you also need to think about it from a guys point of view. Imagine I met you in a club this weekend, I decide to come up and chat and with the best intentions of getting to know you, not looking a ONS, basically the opposite of what has made you bitter. You are going to react negatively and drive me away. I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel the way you do, but this is the type of reaction guys can face every night. Also if you are giving off this cold, don't approach me vibe, no guy is going to approach you, unless he's drunk, which will just re-enforce your negative view.

Some girls can be extremely cruel and nasty, even if you're a perfect gentleman, but unfortunately the dating game seems to insist that guys have to approach regardless. Women are lucky in that respect as I'd say 99.9% of the time if she made a move on a guy, even if he wasn't interested, he'd be polite. Guys simply don't get the same courtesy in return. We have to approach and almost need riot gear to deal with the unpredictable and sometimes unreasonable reactions that we may face.

We don't expect girls to "perform", if anything I'd say it's the guys who have to "perform" as if we're not "funny" or "charismatic" or whatever, the girl loses interest. Not all girls like that, but there are quite a few who are. So while there might be guys out there who don't treat you right, there are quite a few who probably would but who have been burnt themselves by this type of reaction.

LegacyUser

The reason I give out a don't approach me vibe is because I don't want men to approach me. I'm out with my friends, and I just want a good night with them without the hassle of wasting my time talking to a man who more than likely is going to dick me around anyway. I've heard it all before, and I can spot these type of men from a mile off. All falseness, just say whatever comes into their heads.

I've become very bitter lately, and a man approaching me brings out the worst in me. I'll politely talk to a man if he talks to me, but I'll show no interest in the hope that he goes away. And funnily enough, you very quickly see a man's true personality in the way he responds to your politeness. If he quickly gets impatient, then I've saved myself the hassle of getting involved with someone who doesn't like it when things don't go his way.

I have no interest in meeting someone precisely because I know I'm not ready to meet someone. I wouldn't want to go out with an embittered man, so why would a man want to go out with an embittered woman?

LegacyUser

that's so true about the response that you get!!
i've lost count the number of times our group of friends have been approached by a guy and we would be polite and chat and then as he'd try to zone in on one of us (often to the exclusion of the other girl or girls), we'd politely say sorry but we're just out for a girls night.
well the abuse we'd get back from the guy. responses like 'you're just jealous', 'you're fat', 'you're ugly'. i've never experienced this only in ireland!

this is almost standard at this stage. so no wonder we're weary when guys approach.

so it's not just about being bitter. we are suspicious when guys approach us in clubs because of the behaviour of many!

Emme

unregistered wrote: »

The reason I give out a don't approach me vibe is because I don't want men to approach me. I'm out with my friends, and I just want a good night with them without the hassle of wasting my time talking to a man who more than likely is going to dick me around anyway. I've heard it all before, and I can spot these type of men from a mile off. All falseness, just say whatever comes into their heads.

I've become very bitter lately, and a man approaching me brings out the worst in me. I'll politely talk to a man if he talks to me, but I'll show no interest in the hope that he goes away. And funnily enough, you very quickly see a man's true personality in the way he responds to your politeness. If he quickly gets impatient, then I've saved myself the hassle of getting involved with someone who doesn't like it when things don't go his way.

I have no interest in meeting someone precisely because I know I'm not ready to meet someone. I wouldn't want to go out with an embittered man, so why would a man want to go out with an embittered woman?

Your attitude isn't doing your friends any favours. They might be interested in talking to guys even though you're not. When men see you showing no interest in men (believe me, they watch us even though we may not realise it) they assume that your friends are the same and they are less likely approach any of you. Men aren't stupid, they know when you're being polite for the sake of it and when you're interested. How do you know that those men haven't been knocked back by at least 10 other women that night? How do you react if a man approaches any of your friends and one of his friends starts talking to you?

LegacyUser

I'm polite, neutral when approached (completely different to what I'm thinking on the inside by the way). I talk about safe subjects weather, work, pubs in town etc. If a group of men are put off because one of the group is polite and neutral, then they're not worth our time anyway. If I was rude and obnoxious, then I could see how I'm ruining my friends chances.

In a nightclub situation, I don't see the point in pretending to be interested in someone if I'm not interested in taking things further. I'd be accused of leading them on.

I'm just not ready to go out with anybody at the moment-doesn't matter if they look like an Adonis, doesn't matter if we have the same interests, doesn't matter if they've been hurt before, doesn't matter if it looks like they're having the time of their lives. My belief at the moment is that I'll just be led up the garden path again, and I'm not willing to put myself on the line. It's good old fashioned self protection, it's a decision about my life that I'm entirely justified to make and it's not hurting anyone else