I am living with a man child. Help.

LegacyUser

I am driven to write this because I really don't know where else to turn. I am 29. My boyfriend is 37. We have been together over 2 years, during which time both he and I worked abroad at tdifferent times due to our work. I do love him, yet I fear if he continues as he is I will have to walk away. I have a history of stress induced depression; I am good at the moment but the way our home life is is slowly beginning to push me over the edge. I have tried to talk to him on numerous occasions; he listens and promises to change but it never comes to fruition.

Unwittingly, I have become the 'adult' in the relationship. I pay all the bills. You may ask why, but if I didn't they would be left unpaid. I'm responsible for the household; I have to be; it would go to rack and ruin otherwise. I fix things; I assemble the flat pack furniture. I make sure that there is food in the fridge and the press. He is good for smoking cigarettes and sleeping. In fact the thing of utmost priority in his life is sleeping.

I have tried taking the 'leave things be' approach in the hope that he would get up off his behind and do something. He didn't. Things instead descended into chaos.

We moved in together to my house a year ago. He complained that becuase it was my house he did not feel at home there so after 6 months we moved to a rented apartment. I deal with everything to do with that aswell. My cat did not get along with his dog, he whinged about it incessantly; so I got rid of my cat. He is hopeless with money. It was my birthday in February and he had no money for my birthday weekend. As usual I paid for everything. At the moment he is awaiting a bank card due to an account upgrade, so I am again putitng money in my pocket and his; despite the fact that he owes me for bills and half of this months rent. He earns 70k per annum. He has no loans, no credit card, no mortgage, he doesn't have a car. His only expenditure is his portion of the rent and bills, which probably amounts to about 500euro per month. Yet his account is constantly overdrawn. I earn the same as him, I have a mortgage, personal loan, credit card and car loan, I run the household best I can; I pay a lot more towards the running of the household than he does; yet Im always the one bailing him out. The money thing is really beginning to get me down. I had to pay a whopping gas bill last month and I still haven't seen any sign of his half. I also pay all of the running costs associated with my car, yes it is my car, but he does drive it a lot; yet contributes nothing. Her owes me for other bills from last month too. If he didn't have the money I would say soemthing but he does, it is just whittled away on nothing. The bills have to be in my name as his bank account is in Germany. He has been speaking about opening an irish account for 2 years; but it has never happened.

I cannot do it all. I keep telling him this. We cannot keep going like this. I keep telling him this too but he doesn't listen. I just don't know what to do. I had a pregnancy scare this month and honestly I was terrified. If I was to get pregnant I just do not know what I would do. I just don't think the support would be there from him; in any way. Even tho he says he would love a baby. I'm floundering amidst all of this and he just saunters along. Even last night; he told me that he was sleeping til two o clock today, despite the fact that there is so much to do around the house. I have been up since 8am; trying to get things done. I'm almost at my wits end with all of this. I love him; but I can no longer shoulder all of this responsibility. We are supposed to get married next year but I honestly think that me doing that could be a very big mistake; despite how I feel about him. I just don't know what to do

Barracudaincork

You have what i call a gut gut situation, you know in your gut that you cant be with him anymore but you havent got the guts (yet!) to move on.

You sound miserable and you also know only to full well he isnt going to magically change and this is the person he is and will be the person you will marry, you know this as your gut is telling you so.

However breaking up a relationship especially one where you do love the person in spite of what they have done takes guts and right now thats where you are lacking (and where most of us lack, so your not alone there!)

Of course there is the whole "well you facitilated" the whole thing by tolerating this and you did, but i think you did it with the best of intentions etc However you are somewhat responsible for this too.

OP if this isnt the life you want then you know what you have to do, its not easy but generally speaking the right things to do never are!

LegacyUser

Of course there is the whole "well you facitilated" the whole thing by tolerating this and you did, but i think you did it with the best of intentions etc However you are somewhat responsible for this too

Yes. I admit that to a degree I facilitated all of this. but in all honesty it was easier. I tried the tough approach last year in relation him paying th ESB bill and we nearly had our ESB cut off, because he never bothered to go pay it. He lives in his on little world most of the time. He is 37 going on 17. I know in my heart if this continues I have to walk away. I have given him chance after chance and he has not changed. But I hope that maybe this time he will?? He won't of course. But I love this man. And it's breaking my heart staying with him but also it breaks my heart thinking about walking away. I'm a mess. The whole thing is a mess. I know love alone is not enough for any relationship; but I just do not know what to do.

LegacyUser

Without meaning to sound harsh......


What EXACTLY is it you love about this man enough to want to marry him????? I'm being serious...

cafecolour

I'd just up and leave, that sounds ridiculous. The bank account in Germany and never any money sounds pretty suspect as well TBH. Is he paying child support in Germany he hasn't told you about? Gambling addiction?

Honestly, it sounds like he wants a mammy and you've fallen into that role. The problem is, even if you talk to him about this, I'd suspect it'd only improve temporarily and then he'd go back to the usual - esp after you're married.

The only other suggestion is to get him to GP to see he has depression issues or the like and get him on meds for them.

lynsalot

Hi OP

That situation cannot continue. He earns more than enough to support himself and with no expenditure it seems very suspicious where that money is going. You need to find out what he's spending it on. He needs to share everything with you including responsibility.

Now you know this, and we know this, the problem is tackling the problem. What I will tell you is sort this out now ie. if you don't want a situation like this for the rest of your life... sort it out before it's too late. Does he have a secret gambling addiction?

All romance aside... this is serious and things cannot continue. You need to get to the root of the problem and speak to him. Explain how serious this is. At you age you should be saving money for your future. Not spending it on bills and over compensating for a partner that earns more than enough.

What will happen when u have kids....

Toots

I don't mean to be harsh OP, but he sounds like a total waste of space. I'm sorry to say it, but I think you know deep down that he's not going to change and the only way your life is going to get any better is by cutting him out of it.

dudara

Right now, you're facilitating him, rather than helping him.

You need to stop taking responsibility for him. God knows, all men need looking after, but this is pulling the proverbial p*ss.

Gyalist

You are living with a leech. A 37 year old earning €70k with no serious financial commitments should not be in the position that he is in, and this is not a good indicator of his suitability for a long term relationship.

Unfortunately, while you are trying to help, you are also enabling his behaviour at the expense of your own well-being. Time to put yourself first and cut him loose.

Icandoit!

I will continue to be amazed when I read posts like this....when you say you love him....what EXACTLY is it that you love about him???? I don't mean to sound offensive, but if what you have written is true, I can't imagine that this guy has a wonderful personality, or makes you laugh, or makes you feel loved, or secure....

Wibbs

dudara wrote: »

Right now, you're facilitating him, rather than helping him.

You need to stop taking responsibility for him.

+ 1000. If you keep doing the same thing why expect a different result from him. If you do love him and want to try to make this work, you're going to have to step waaaaay back. The money issue needs to be out in the open. Many many marriages break apart due to money issues, so if you are contemplating that step, this needs to be sorted now, not later. I agree with cafecolour except maybe for the gettng him to a shrink part. It's you again doing his thinking for him and taking what he should be responsible for onto your shoulders.

God knows, all men need looking after,

With respect(and surprise TBH), thats utter and complete toss. Boys maybe, not men.

Can you imagine if I or another man said "all women need looking after"? Shítstorm.

OK my experience? Every single woman I have gone out with long term was in need of almost constant "looking after" from one emotional or situational "issue" to the next. One fire would be put out only for another to spring up in its place. Rinse and repeat.

Does this pretty consistent personal experience mean I think all women need looking after? No. It means for whatever reason I ended up with/sought out those who did. More my fault than theirs TBH. We all need support from time to time and we all need to give it. None of us should need looking after as a lifestyle

Maybe the OP has fallen into a similar trap that I did? I would not recommend it. Hard going as a job. And it is a job. One you wont get well rewarded for. It's easy too easy to fall into too.

Ask yourself OP why do you stay? "I love him" is not an answer IMHO. Well it is but not a very clear one. If its a still fancy him/sexual reason, its no foundation for a life of marriage. If its fear of being single(a common enough one) then that's an even worse foundation for a life of marriage.

IMHO sit down with him at a neutral time. Dont ambush him as he comes in the door after work. Tell him your issues. Maybe write them down to get them clear in your head. Stick to one or two issues to start. The money and keeping house as examples. Say your piece. Then let him say his. If the answers are the usual stuff then give him an ultimatum. If he wants help, like from a shrink and is willing to meet halfway fine. If not then whats the point of this for you. They say ultimatums dont work, but in this case I think you need to draw a line. Give him a time limit, after which you will leave.

Try and build an escape route too. No point saying you'll leave if it means you're trapped if and when the time comes.

My 3 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

Right now, you're facilitating him, rather than helping him.

You need to stop taking responsibility for him. God knows, all men need looking after, but this is pulling the proverbial p*ss.

This is true. It's ok to turn a blind eye to the odd bit of laziness or irresponsibility, but what your partner is doing is way over the top and shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Cut him loose before he drags you down with him

Gyalist

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO sit down with him at a neutral time. Dont ambush him as he comes in the door after work. Tell him your issues. Maybe write them down to get them clear in your head. Stick to one or two issues to start. The money and keeping house as examples. Say your piece. Then let him say his. If the answers are the usual stuff then give him an ultimatum. If he wants help, like from a shrink and is willing to meet halfway fine. If not then whats the point of this for you. They say ultimatums dont work, but in this case I think you need to draw a line. Give him a time limit, after which you will leave.

Try and build an escape route too. No point saying you'll leave if it means you're trapped if and when the time comes.

You're a better man than I am, Wibbs.

I think that the pregnancy scare has finally concentrated the OP's mind on the situation since it became clear to her that she couldn't count on his emotional or financial support.

To me there is no point in wasting any more time in trying to get him to become more responsible. 2+ years is more than enough of that type of behaviour. As it is the OP is already throwing good money after bad.

amdublin

IMO he is not going to change. Life sounds miserable for you. Cut him loose and move on with your own life. You will either be happier on your own or will meet somone who will actually play a part in your relationship.

Good luck.

hollis12

manchildhelp wrote: »

Of course there is the whole "well you facitilated" the whole thing by tolerating this and you did, but i think you did it with the best of intentions etc However you are somewhat responsible for this too

Yes. I admit that to a degree I facilitated all of this. but in all honesty it was easier. I tried the tough approach last year in relation him paying th ESB bill and we nearly had our ESB cut off, because he never bothered to go pay it. He lives in his on little world most of the time. He is 37 going on 17. I know in my heart if this continues I have to walk away. I have given him chance after chance and he has not changed. But I hope that maybe this time he will?? He won't of course. But I love this man. And it's breaking my heart staying with him but also it breaks my heart thinking about walking away. I'm a mess. The whole thing is a mess. I know love alone is not enough for any relationship; but I just do not know what to do.

sorry to ask but whats there to love about him he has no sense of empathy its all him him him, run away and dont look back.

Imagine if you had children by this backward man hed let them starve.

bronte

Get out while you still can. It's amazing you've lasted this long.
You deserve happiness and he's had long enough to attempt to make you happy.
He sounds ridiculously selfish.
Trust me, there's much better out there OP.

LegacyUser

Does he work in Germany-surely his employers require an Irish bank account to pay him through??

miec

Hi Op

I concur with the others, however, if you wish to find a way of stepping back but staying with him in the hope he will sort himself out, I would suggest moving out from him.

Do you still have your own place? I wasn't sure if you owned it or rented it but what I would do if I didn't want to let go and try a different approach would be to move in another place so that you are only responsible for your own bills and you no longer have the stress of 'looking after him', it gives you space to see what is best for you and if you decide he is not for you then there is very little hardship other than the emotional one.

I would ask yourself what is that you like / love about him, then I would examine what you don't like and look at how he treats you. To be honest I wouldn't like to be in your relationship (I was there in the past), I would hate to be with someone who is a high earner, a bum and has no consideration, also something else that has popped in my head, if he is earning 70K he must have to be responsible in his line of work to earn that kind of money, why does he choose to not do that with the woman he is supposed to love? Finally remind yourself this, that he has the luxury of another human being worrying about him, his bills, his life etc, he is taking from you and giving nothing or very little back. Wouldn't it be nice to be with a man who can share the load of life?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but this is all of your own making. You chose to let this man walk all over and take advantage of you, time and time again, and now you're moaning that it's not fair? I can't see one reason why you're even with him, you haven't mentioned anything positive about him. I can see why he's still with you - he has a nice little set up there, earning 70K but letting his partner look after him and pay for everything - more fool you!

LegacyUser

I broke up a year ago with a guy I was living with for 3 years, and he basically took me to the cleaners, has now stopped contact and Ive no way of getting any of my cash back.

Exact - EXACT same situation - even similar ages (not wages though unfortunately).

He was working and never ever ever had any money. I did everything. He never bought me anything - maybe the odd christmas present. I organised everything - thought I was doing the right thing. In the end, I enabled his behaviour. And it turns out he had "somethings" going on that he hid very well from me. People must be thinking "how the hell did you allow all this", but the truth is love made me blind. It wasnt until a similar scare happened to me that I opened my eyes.

At the moment, a year on I am in a mess but getting better (not financially thank god - have managed to do well for myself that way) but in terms of self esteem. He didnt just take my money, he took my self esteem too. I am determined every hour of everyday to get myself right again.

My point is where is all his money going - is he just being lazy and needs a kick in the ass or is there some alterior motive.

Victor

Consider letting one of the bills go unpaid and let the service get cut off (you can probably get away with the gas at this time of year, but cut it off, don't have Bord Gáis cut you off and affect your ability to reconnect). It might give him some perspective.

I concur with the dragging him to the GP to have him checked out bit. <

---

In this sentence, I almost regretted using the word "dragging", but in reality, thats what you need to do.

LegacyUser

Ill tell you whats happening OP. This guy is just extreeemly tight with money. You say he fritters it away on nothing, thats why he has no cash...im sorry but a guy earning 70K a year with no mortgage or other outgoings is straight up lying to you when he says he has no cash. What is happening is he is saving an absolute fortune freeloading off you. Ask him straight out why he is pretending he has no cash because you are no longer interested hearing his lies about having no cash.

Chinafoot

manchildhelp wrote: »

The bills have to be in my name as his bank account is in Germany. He has been speaking about opening an irish account for 2 years; but it has never happened.

Major, major alarms going off at this. Does he work in this country? Why wuld he not have an Irish account after 2 years? That seems very dodgy to me.

Tbh OP, I think you're being taken for a complete mug. Nobody on 70k with no financial responsibilities could possibly píss that much away on nothing. He's either spending it on things you don't know about or else he has a nice little lump tucked away somewhere.

Even if that isn't the case, his treatment of you regarding joint finances is horrendous and you are worse for tolerating it for this long. Move out of wherever you are and back into the home that you own. Have your name removed from all bills where you are now and tell the landlord you will be out next month but this fella will be remaining. Let him sort himself out and stop carrying this piece of crap.

MissHoneyBun

He's doing nothing but using you OP. To the point of running you ragged because ultimately he doesnt give a sh1t about anyone but himself. I know too many men who'll just sit back and watch the work pile up because they know their wife or girlfriend will do it for them. And to physically and mentally wear somebody out like that is abuse. Prolonged, daily abuse.

If he was a real man who genuinely loved you and cared for your welfare I don't think he would take advantage of you like this. Please leave him and find somebody who will treat you better.

Spudsmcc

Hi All, if this is of any help to you, i am in such a similar situation it's unreal, i am 26 my partner of 11 years is 27, we moved in to our own place two years ago and that is when the trouble started...it has taken me a long time with more than one occassion of threatening to go but not actually following through, each time an issue came up, i think i lost abit of love and definately a bit of respect or sense of support each time, about 3 weeks ago i made the decision, i talked to him about it and he's not obviously over the moon about the idea but i had such a weight lifted off my shoulders it was unreal, i am sad it didn't work out but not upset anymore and i can't nearly understand it, i think you are where i was the last 2 years, you just need to make that decision, they will never change and if thats the way you want to live your life thats ok, but you need to start thinking about you and not your relationship anymore becasue that is not a relationship...my partner never earned that type of money but money was always tight when i knew it shouldn't... he is a compulsive gambler, found out a year ago, he got help but it didn't last, your guy is looking very similar to this, they have a type of depression especially when there loosing at the bookies...i vowed to help him through, but he needs to do this himself, it's not your problem, you need to start thinking like this, your partner is not your problem, his issues are not your issues,his bills/troubles/secrets are not your problem, your problem is you are unhappy, that is what you need to change, i can't stress how much i'm looking forward to starting again, even though it's scary as hell (also have to wait for him to move out or me to buy him out, so it's not over yet) but this is something you really need to do for YOU YOU YOU, or you'll always be sad, depressed and ashamed of your life.
To all those who said how could you love this man, thats easier for you to say for whatever your reasons are, but i was with my partner for 11 years, not all those years were horrible, yes he has a great personality, is not a violent person, makes me laugh, would do anything for his friends, and was the biggest and best support i could have when my dad died suddenly 2 years ago, but over the years as i grew up and he didn't, he developed a gambling habit just like his dad and grandad which he always said would never happen,it is actually an illness... so if your not in that situation then you shouldn't judge...do you honestly think this girl loves her partner because he's an ass**le...open your minds a bit please, nobody is perfect and it's not all black and white!!!
I hope it works out the best for you, everyone deserves a life of there own, a partner is someone who enhances that life not drags it under xx

dublingal80

im sorry to hear what you are going through op but my advice is to end things as soon as you can. he will never change. he is 37 and is making 70k a year and he cant give you 500 towards mortgage and bills and god knows where the rest of his money is going to.
its not good for you to have all this stress. you are going to make yourself sick while he is out there pissing his money away. You deserve to be happy and would you prefer to stay in your house that you own, and pay your own mortgage and look after it yourself and have it neat and tidy and everything perfect, or him there too, and all he does is mess it up.

walk away. the sooner you do the better. otherwise it will just get harder and harder for you to leave him

Oryx

Im not saying this man wont ever change, but OP, You Can't Change Him. Youll break your heart trying. Its extremely easy for me to say, but all you can do is change how you behave towards him, and maybe he will change himself. If you want to stay with him, stop facilitating his lax behaviour. You need to be tough and show him that if he wants to be with you, he needs to shape up. Some ideas to help would be:

Set up a joint account for bills, with a standing order into it from him.
Hire a cleaner. He pays half.
Let services be cut off if he wont pay his share.
Move out (showing you will stay with him, but refuse to share his domestic chaos).

Have to say though, I think you both may be in a pattern youll find extremely hard to break. If you love him so much, the danger is youll be afraid to push this issue as hard as it needs to be. You need to be prepared to lose him, to walk out if he wont change.

Lastly, I mean this... Cancel the wedding for now. Marriage will not fix this, it will just trap you in a worse situation.

LegacyUser

Hi everybody; thank you all for your advice.

We had a big bust up on bank holiday Monday which resulted in me going to stay at my parents house. I think he was shocked that I finally did it. I don't know where we go from here but it's a step in the right direction I think. Whether we stay together or not at this stage I don't know. Anyway; thanks again.

Gyalist

Manchildhelp wrote: »

Hi everybody; thank you all for your advice.

We had a big bust up on bank holiday Monday which resulted in me going to stay at my parents house. I think he was shocked that I finally did it. I don't know where we go from here but it's a step in the right direction I think. Whether we stay together or not at this stage I don't know. Anyway; thanks again.

It was, unfortunately, bound to happen at some time. If I were in your position I'd start to disentangle myself from any joint financial commitments with him, if any. Things like taking your name off joint utility bills, bank account, lease, etc. This guy would seem to have no compunction about stiffing you with his bills.

Cut him loose and let him sink or swim.

Stay strong.