Cyber Sex

Miranda7

Any one any advice for some one who has just discovered that her mate of many years is involved in ciber sex with many women. Also any ideas what the motivation of either the men or more particularly the women is. Why would a person go for cyber sex when the real thing is so easily available.

SarahSassy

I think people do it because its a little bit alternative... If my OH was doing it I would be worried that it could lead to a meeting and could be the first step to face to face infidelity... I dont think there is an place for cyber sex within a monagomous relationship

seenitall

OP, I recommend you read your own post on hollypolly's thread, and take the exact same advice you have given her. You know this already, don't you? I know it is easy for me to say, as I am not in your shoes, i.e. committed to someone "for better or worse", but he is hardly honouring his vows to you, is he?

Wishing you all the best.

Jessiegirl

seenitall - Miranda is not talking about her OH

Cyber sex. I'm never sure exactly what is classified as such so not 100% sure but like sex texting or anything it's probably more the convenience & safety from your own sofa than anything else.

Miranda7

It's highly sexualised conversations either on line or by text with some one you have not yet met. What appears to be the case is that there are legions of women willing to participate in this - some of them quite young. On some levels I understand that men are predators but the ease with which they find some one is amazing. I know there are many lonely people out there but you would imagine that people would try and find a real mate.

Jessiegirl

Well I'll put my hand up and say I've done it on occassions. Times when I either didn't want or was not ready for a real life situation (last night for example lol) or wasn't in a position to have one, lonely but still but stuck in entanglement of a relationship ending.
If that's all you do though for years and years and don't have relationships, well that would be odd.

Miranda7

Thanks Jessie. Would you normally tell the person the truth about who you are or do hyou make up an identity.

Silverfish

Miranda7 are you looking for actual advice on this relationship?

Jessiegirl

Well I rarely do it & I'd have to be very bored too to be honest. I mean you are talking a few occassion. The person texting me last night does know me in real life, was my friend who gave him my number and I just went along with him for the craic, I thought it might help me get over my last relationship which is why I won't date. He wanted to meet for it in real life though which was the purpose of the sex texts.

Other times they would be a couple of strangers I knew through the net and would have been far more charged and explicit. One wanted to meet. One is on my facebook now though.

Personally, unless it becomes a regular habit I see it just as diversion & fun, if you are single of course.

Why does it bother you so much about your friend?

Miranda7

Because we are trying to get to the bottom of whether it is serious or if it only craic. She is very hurt about it but I think it might only be a diversion. However, her OH is very quiet and a bit of a loner and withdrawn even from her. The fact that he has several cyber mates is strange. Neither of them are young and they are not that close.

Jessiegirl

So her OH is having cyber sex?
Well that's a completely different matter and an infidelity to me.
There should be nothing to get to the bottom of, if he is, he is and he should stop.

Would she not just talk to her OH about it?

Miranda7

Yes and he has admitted it but says it's only craic. He has in fact told her a lot about it. He says that the people he talks to come and go and he has never met one but some want to. I think he pretends he is younger - he is actually over 60 and the not the most active 60 year old in the world in any sense of that term. It's hard to say. They are not close and she feels now that this may be part of the reason. On the other hand if you do it when you are lonely or fed up but don't do all the time he might be doing just that.

Jessiegirl

Right, if was habitual I couldn't tolerate it. I couldn't handle my last bf having penpals and texting the odd girl and exes!

I don't know what's to figure out though, it's quite straightforward.
She's very unhappy, it's not appropriate behaviour whatever his motivation.
Are they married, is she a similar age and so on?

What happens next is up to her, he stops, he goes and so on.

You're not giving us much info to go on so that's the best I can give you