Coping after a break up

LegacyUser

My nerves are shattered and I need to vent. My girlfriend decided recently that we should split up which took me by surprise. We were going out for 2 years and had moved in together in October of last year. In the early days of the relationship we had some issues which bothered her and sometimes became larger issues, which on occasion resulted in 2 temporary breaks. We both had issues from prior relationships I guess that we never dealt with and carried those fears and concerns into the new relationship. However things improved immensely after the last break last summer but as with things like this, once a little thing re-surfaces, it sets you back a bit.

But the flip side was we were mad about each other. Head over heels in love. We met at karate when she moved to my town over 2 years ago. Ive being training for years and she was quite a few grades below me but was also passionate about martial arts. It was very quickly obvious there was an attraction there early on and before we knew it, despite our best efforts to avoid mixing a shared past time, we were in a relationship. But with the exception of the few times we had a fight or an issue, it was fantastic! As we were both karate mad and had other shared interests, keeping fit etc, we enjoyed much of life's pleasures together as well as each other's company.

We were both nervous about moving in together particularly as i have lived with a girl before that ended badly. I didnt want to get burned again. However we took the plunge and again living together was alot of fun.

But then I got my marching orders. I thought my world was ending, I couldnt believe it. I lost more than just a girlfriend. I asked her over and over to explain why she wanted to end it but she just felt our previous issues would never go away. I was inconsolable when I left. I had lost everything. Dont get me wrong, Ive been dumped before and been in love before but i havent taken it as hard as I am this time round.

the knock on effect is that it has affected my social, personal and work life. I can no longer go back to my karate class, even though she hasnt been there since. My health has taken a massive deterioration. Everytime i see her on msn i still get upset. I did the foolish thing of trying to talk to her in the days after the split but i know it was stupid as I was still very upset. It pushed her further away. In the end i emailed her and told her i would cut contact and leave her be and that I wished her well. She replied with no emotion and said to get in touch when things blow over if I wanted. But i kept my word, I havent contacted her or chatted to her on msn.

But cut to today, almost a month on to the day and i feel no better than i was when i got dumped. Ive had to go to my doctor to talk about my mental health. Sure, Im not irrational anymore and much of the crying has dried up, but the pain and hurt hasnt gone away. I have gone out with friends alot, even flirted with girls and had opportunities to sleep with them but I just couldnt do it. My mind is fixated on what ive lost. Im finding it impossible to "go off the rails" as people usually do after a break up. (Its what i used to do in the past)

My prayers are asking for her back. But i know what I really need is to find a way to remove her from my thoughts completely. At this stage I want the pain to go. I feel very depressed and in a web of hopelessness. Friends have bumped into my ex since and have told me that she seems to be doing ok, but of course it could be a front. But she is definitely letting her hair down and not wallowing like I am. As you can see Im over analysing things now too.

My big fear now is her meeting someone else and him sharing in something that i thought was unique to us. Stupid I know. Id like to think that she misses me and will always have fond memories of us.

Everyone says time will heal but time doesnt take the pain away. I just cant get over her and I dont know what to do.

Wibbs

Time will work. It doesn't feel like it at the time when you're in the middle of an emotional crisis, but it does. To speed up the process, remove as many reminders of the person out of your life. Delete her from facebook/msn/phone. Try and reintroduce one thing you used to love doing. The karate say. Maybe change clubs if that's possible? The exercise will definitely help. Maybe change direction in that area. Learn a different form of karate. That'll help the mental aspect too.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I feel very sorry for you - judging by your post you seem to be going through a hard time with this break up. I am in a similar situation, however the break was amicable and we both knew it was coming for a while, thus setting oursleves up for the eventual break up!

While I am not going through the same heartache as you, I do miss him and it is very easy to only remember the good times after a break up. For example there have been a few times where iv really missed him & have been thinking about it - so I ask myself - what would be the difference if he was here? I immediatley go back to the good times & imagine how he could help but then i make myself realistically think about what he could do. It then justifies why we broke up in the first place. I dunno if it would work for you but it has worked for me.

Apart from that my only advice is to keep busy - take up a new challenge or something. Try to keep your mind off her & the break up. When you eventually meet her you'll have lots to tell her & that could be the catalyst to mending the relationship?

Good luck

LegacyUser

You sound like you're really having a tough time of it. Breakups are horrible...in fact when I was trying to get over a nasty one, my dad was talking to me and saying that they're nearly worse than getting over a death. With a death you know it's final and so can move on. With a break up, the person is still around so you always have this bit of hope so it's very difficult to move on, so dont think that this is strange reaction you're going through, it's normal, as hard as that sounds.

The usual mantra is true though, time is a great healer and even if your ex is going around seeming great, I'd bet money it's a front. I know an ex of mine said he was doing fine after we broke up...I was fading away in my house thinking he was a prick for getting over things so fast and going out with his mates drinking and having the craic...turns out, he was drinking and doing coke to try supress the pain!!

Best advice is like what wibbs said, try get back out there, do karate, go out with friends, even if you really dont feel like it. Put on that front and eventually you'll realise that you're not putting it on anymore, that you believe it and are getting happier. Do delete her off msn, facebook etc...or even hide her, just so you dont have that reminder. It's not helpful in the slightest.

Time will heel...but in the mean time, take care of yourself!