Partner no Interest In Sex

puffinn

Hi,
I have been going out with my chap for 5 years, living together for 2. near the start of our relationship i moved up the country to do a two year college course to get a better job.The Sex was good, even if i had to spend some weekends away doing projects. i always tended to make more of an effort toget home than he did to visit me.
On moving back home, he had got into fitness in a big way. when we met we both liked pubs and niteclubs and music and socialising, and while i had grown out of these somewhat, he was getting into a new healthy set of lads who love to cycle and swim. I am proud of him for turning hislife around buti feel a bit left behind. he trains 18 hours a week ( for a major race), our only time together is maybe an hour in front of the telly. he can go quite happily a month or two without sex and if ididn't make a deal of it I'm not sure it would ever happen.
I sense he is looking down at me for being a bit heavier since we met, and i tend to drink cans on a fri and sat anyway although he rarely drinks them with me. My friends are married and rarely get out.
I guess my question is: if someone can go a month or two without making a move on you, are they really interested? I realise that i need to get more interests of my own ( am only about 70% fulfilled with my life and interests but content), and that if i was out more he would prob come loking for me... but still, i mean just cos i'm not into triathlon...
any suggestions or comments are welcome.

LegacyUser

puffinn wrote: »

I sense he is looking down at me for being a bit heavier since we met, and i tend to drink cans on a fri and sat anyway although he rarely drinks them with me.

I guess my question is: if someone can go a month or two without making a move on you, are they really interested?

You know when someone gives up smoking, they hate smoking and smokers.
The same can happen if you become interested in fitness. If he puts a lot of effort into being fit and healthy, hangs around with lots of fit people. It can make him be a bit disgusted, not attracted to people who are unfit.
A month or 2 without looking for sex is not good, especially if he is fit, with no health issues to cause it. If the only way you can have sex is if you make an issue out of it, sorry but things are very wrong.

miec

I would agree with previous poster and I would add that he sounds like he has changed dramatically. The fact that he is into a fit and healthy lifestyle means he should have more energy but it sounds like he is turned off by a non healthy lifestyle.

I think it would be good for you to build your own life, find out what interests you, this would give you more of an outlet rather than looking to him. I would sit down and talk about the lack of intimacy but be prepared for some brutal answers or a refusal to go there. Do you really want this lifestyle for the rest of your life? Something is amiss and it needs to be addressed. Good luck Op.

S23

Unfortunately it seems that the above posters might be on the money.

It seems that he has drastically changed his lifestyle and he doesn't view you in the same way because of it. He may not even conciously realise this himself but he may well look down on you a little because you aren't into the type of regime he is. He may be ticking along with you out of a familiarity and comfort rather than the bond you once had.

It doesn't happen in every case its more a reflection of him and his character than it is of you if this is the case. He was obviously very attracted to you and into you when you met. Just because he's changed what he is into regarding recreation, which he is perfectly entitled to, isn't in my opinion reason enough to start looking down on you.

I know the type to be honest. I was freinds (past tense) with a lad who was just your run of the mill mid 20s bloke. Liked hanging out, going to the pub at the weekends, going to gigs etc.. all the usual stuff. He then joined a running club and got really into the whole thing. No harm in that. But he transformed into an obnoxious arsehole who thought everyone should do as he did regarding fitness, what they eat, what they drink or shouldn't drink etc... It was sad that he went from a nice bloke to a complete one dimensional, boring, preachy pr*ck just because he did something as simple as get fitter by taking up running.

Not saying its the exact same in this case but he might have adjusted his whole personality and outlook based on doing this triathlon stuff.

I've been in and out of fitness for a few years since I stopped boxing. Anyway, I decided to get back properly fit at the end of last year. I can tell you it increased my sex drive hugely. I'd say it was slightly above average to begin with but the increased fitness really does have me wanting to go at it all the time. I think theres a medical reason for this too but don't quote me on that because I'm not 100% sure. Something to do with increased testosterone levels maybe
My missus wouldn't be at the same level of fitness that I am nor do I expect her to be. Just becaue I'm fitter than I was doesn't change the dynamic of our relationship

You need to talk to him. Be honest and be open but be prepared to be hurt. He may feel like he needs you to be into all the same fitness stuff he is.

If thats the case then your relationship may be in trouble. You are who you are and shouldn't have to change to suit him just because he runs triathlons. If he sees you differntly now thats his problem. You are your own person and deserved to be loved and cared for by someone who accepts you for what you are.

Aussieman

don't be so quick to come to the conclusion that he is gone off you. I am a very fit man in early thirties and have gone a month or two with-out sex with my partner on a few occasions. There are many reasons but none of them to do with my love for her or whether i think she is attractive to me, which she is.
I would look to other areas in your relationship, perhaps even your self esteem and how this is reflecting in others; how you feel about yourself at this time.
I think there is a clue in how you say you are 70% happy with your life, a difficult thing to weigh.
I would try to talk to him, be honest. Not the easiest but may be the quickest route to the core issue.
Secondly try to find out what that 30% is ??

jake la motta

OP I have gone through an identical situation except I was the guy who got fit and healthy.

If I'm honest I did go off my partner and I made the dreadful mistake of hanging onto the relationship too long as I didn't want to hurt my girlfriends feelings. We dated for 2 years and it was all hot and heavy at the start but the more fit I got the less energy I wanted to expend on sex and the fact I had gone off her didn't help.

I have no doubt he still cares for you, a lot, that's why he cant turn around and tell you he's gone off you, he knows how much it would hurt you and he cares too much about you to do so. This was exactly what happened with me, as selfish as it sounds, it virtually impossible to say something like that to a person you care about because you know how hurtful its going to be.

You should sit down and have this through with him and clear the air, he might be different to me and want to work at the relationship, there are many things that can be done, like sex at certain times during the day before he hits the gym or bike etc and if like us your only times for sex are at the end of the day when going to bed or first thing in the morning he's going to be too tired at the end of the day and too drowsy in the morning.

My girlfriend suspected what was happening and confronted me in tears one day, she said I'd gone off her and didn't find her attractive anymore, it was horrible to see her like this especially as I knew it was true. I denied it at first to protect her feelings as I couldn't bear to see her getting hurt but this didn't help either as she then thought there was something wrong with my prostate and that I should see a doctor. I knew this wasn't the case as when your fit your sexual urges are stronger than before when aroused and as I assured her I hadn't gone of her it was the only other conclusion she could come too, so I told her I would book an appointment with my GP and this date kept getting put off as I came up with new excuses.

In the end we tried many things like sex at certain times, me cutting down on my exercising but it was difficult, the sex wasn't pleasurable and it was just plain awkward. I had gone of her physically and it was impossible for me to fake the attraction. In the end I just drew out a painful experience even longer for her which I completely regret.

Some of this will be hard for you to read but the situation you described is so close to my own I actually thought you could have been my ex posting this. Although painful, you will move on and as cliched as it sounds, time is a great healer.

This doesn't reflect well on me but when you go off someone you have no control over it and the feeling doesn't come back. The sexual attraction I mean, I still care about her as much as ever and even love her a little, these feeling never change and I'm 100% your boy friend is the same way.

For the record, me and my ex are great friends still, I have meet up with her socially since then and we still talk and joke about our time together, she has a new boyfriend and I have a new girlfriend and we've even gone for drinks together.

I just wish I hadn't prolonged the inevitable for so long.