Boyfriend apparently addicted to sex networking sites

LegacyUser

Hi, first time poster here.

I'm 24, been with my partner for 2 years, he's 26. We don't live together, but we're planning to move in at some point or another (money restrictions etc)

Anyway, the point of my post is that I think he has a serious problem with social networking sites. No matter whether it's clean ones like Facebook or downright out-and-out sex networking websites, he's on all of them.

We'd been going out about 14 months when I found out (by accident) that he'd been signed up to a website and networking and chatting to other women behind my back. I confronted him about it and he was more than apologetic etc etc. I forgave him, but I've found it very hard to trust him on the internet ever since, I'm very suspicious of anything he does on it, he always makes a point of asking me to respect his privacy and all that, but I'm of the opinion that someone isn't entitled to privacy if they're doing something that they shouldn't be, it applies to myself as well, I'm an open book and I have nothing to hide in my relationship.

I was googling people I knew from school tonight (bored out of my head, home sick from work) and I googled his username just out of nosiness, and I suppose to reassure myself that he wasn't doing anything he shouldn't be.

Well f-me. He was signed up to a new website that is literally somewhere where people talk about their sexual fantasies and meet people with whom to enact them. I'm so upset. After the last time where he said he was done with all that, he'd only be on social networks where I could be his friend and see what he was up to etc etc.

The thing that bothers me is that I am a woman who is up for anything, I'm not freaked out by much in the bedroom, and anything he has asked of me, I've done it or we've reached a compromise. It's not like we're not having sex, or that the sex is boring. I just don't get it.

I asked him when I found out the first time if he just didn't love me or if he wasn't happy with me and he said that he didn't know why he did it, he just did.

I really, really love this man but this thing with the secret sex websites is doing my head in. What am I doing wrong? Why is he still on these? (I don't know how I expect boards.ie users to know, when he tells me that he doesn't know himself but I'm just so confused)

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to stop doing it? Men who are in a relationship- do you regularly sign up to sex networking sites to chat to other women?

Taltos

Hi Op.

I am torn here.
No it is not unreasonable to ask him to be honest with you; it is also not unreasonable to ask him not to join dating sites etc. It might be unreasonable to ask him to limit facebook or other sites though. But that is really something only the two of you can discuss and agree on.

I also don't thing there is any harm in googling him - you were curious and in this case you were not snooping - not when you have already had an incident. Here I think you were totally justified based on past experiences with him.

He might be using these sites as a form of escapism, or voyeurism - though maybe I took you up wrong - if he is using his real name and not an alias then that is just not smart. Actually scratch that - it is probably down right stupid. Do you find stupid attractive?

Quite a few people use sex websites - however each relationship has it's boundaries. And in this case it does appear you have set them - but... does he agree to them? You might find these sites distasteful, and I can only guess that maybe some of them really are - but do you have a right to demand that he no longer does something he enjoys - once he is discrete and honest with you that is?
You might also need to start thinking long term here - and maybe he does too - what happens when you have kids - will he still feel the need to go to the sex sites or will he just buy a mag and drive to a beach somewhere?

To me there is a world of difference between going to a porn site and viewing images to going to a network site and discussing sexual preferences with someone who knows who you are. To maybe put this in context - my OH uses a site where fans of a popular TV show post fiction based on the show - some of this happens to be pornographic and some of the writers will take suggestions. I do not have an issue with this to be honest as I know she loves the show and she sees the humour in some of these stories.

Maybe takes some time to clarify in your own mind what is really disturbing you here and then try talking to him again or suggest that he seek help for an addiction? (if that is what it is).

p.s. I do know a couple who nearly broke up cause the guy was on dating sites picking up women - never meeting them (or so he claims) - but he just did not see it was cheating or a betrayal until his partner broke down and told him it was over.... They have worked it out luckily...

LegacyUser

This is a bit similar to another thread on this page...

I think it is more than likely he is going on these sites for a cheap thrill i.e. a substitute for porn.

If your asking him to stop, of course he should though.

hollypolly

I feel your pain. My situation is similar and I understand how betrayed you feel. It's almost as bad as catching them cheating in reality. I wouldn't question your sex life though as he obviously wants for nothing there. Maybe some guys just need the ego boost chatting to girls on the internet gives them.

mobilecore

Op,
I advise you should read HollyPolly's "Boyfriend still on dating/hook up sites after 3 months" thread.


But to sum it up. Break up with him.

Jumpy

I am beginning to wonder if its possible to have a PI/RI thread that doesnt have someone telling the OP to break up.

Work through your issues people. Its not always an end. The OPs boyfriend hasnt acted on these (as far as I can tell) so treat it as a vice that you have to work on to wean it out of your relationship. Compromise FFS. Its not that hard.

SarahSassy

Jumpy wrote: »

I am beginning to wonder if its possible to have a PI/RI thread that doesnt have someone telling the OP to break up.

But why would you start off a relationship putting up with crap???

mobilecore

Jumpy wrote: »

I am beginning to wonder if its possible to have a PI/RI thread that doesnt have someone telling the OP to break up.

Work through your issues people. Its not always an end. The OPs boyfriend hasnt acted on these (as far as I can tell) so treat it as a vice that you have to work on to wean it out of your relationship. Compromise FFS. Its not that hard.

I see where you are coming from. People should work out problems more than breakup. But only problem with topics here in RI ... they're not about simple things like about having a fight because you left the toilet seat up. Something thats trivial. Alot of topics on here, like this one are pretty serious. i understand and agree about trying to work things out. But not in this situation. The issues raised here are lies, trust, possibility of cheating, or intention of wanting to cheat.

Fact is in this situation put yourself in the OP's shoes. As people should do what ever the topic on here. Its easy to give out advice when you're not the one who is in the situation.

As for advice, Op caught him out once. Now she caught him out again. Says it all sadly. Fool me once and all that.
I am a firm believer of judging people by their actions but also more importantly Logic... if you apply logic to lots of experiences you have had you can pretty much call situations right more times than wrong. He is on sex sites talking to other women. After the op caught him out once. What logic does that say?

We've all had bad experiences where if we ended it when we learned something there would of been less heart ache. but instead continuing on. How do you see this one working out? ... is it best to break up now? or wait till the op catches him a 3rd time? or finds out he met someone off these sites. logic says he will meet, if he hasnt already.

I know its hard. She is with him 14 months loves him. Its not easy to just back up and go. But sadly... as we all know from our experiences sometimes its best to cut the cord.

Ickle Magoo

Okay OP,

So you've already had this conversation and you've already set boundaries and let him know you were hurt and it damaged your relationship and he thinks so little of you and your relationship that he's at it again? Did he get help last time? He was apologetic but did he say he wouldn't do it again? What was the agreement?

What do you think you should do? Either he's addicted to the point he cannot control his own actions in which case perhaps he required professional help the first time around or he views his own wants and needs as much more important than yours and worth risking your relationship for...or he thinks that regardless of what he does, you are not going to leave him so there is little motivation to make any serious changes.

Regardless, there are billions of men in the world, you are only 24 - why go through the cycle of disrespect and hurt, growing suspicious and stressed for a man who is doing so little to ensure you have a happy and healthy relationship? Sit him down, tell him straight how you feel, if this issue is a deal breaker then he needs to know that. It could be he feels it's harmless and you just have completely different views on acceptable boundaries and this is something you need to learn to live with or find one of the billions of guys who don't post on sex networking sites.

Best of luck

glamorous

You need to look at why you are tolerating this behaviour, it sounds like a problem, he can't or won't stop. I would suggest a couple of counselling sessions, preferably for both of you, but go on your own if he refuses to join you, maybe check out your local branch of Relate for some help, it could give you some clarity. & do get support or advice before you move in with him, it may be compulsive on his part, can you see this making you happy in 5 or 10 years time? Will you be happy with yourself?