Boyfriend has been with more than 50 hookers

LegacyUser

brief history, i met my boyfriend 5 months ago on a night out. he was working and i was just there for a night with my girlfriends and we totally hit it off. he was funny and charming and had me from the start. he is 24 and finishing his degree and is planning on studying medicine after he gets this degree so he has ambition. he is a very good bf, attentive and caring and i love him. he is a bit of a "bad boy type" kind of - it's hard to describe but he definitely isn't the kind of guy who you would describe as a "typical nice guy". everything about our relationship is great, i love that he cares so much about me but is also independant and ambitious.

as for me, i am 22 and working as a model part time and studying beauty therapy. i live at home but stay in his place a lot of the time.

now the problem.. last night i was in his room and he was messing around on his laptop. he got a call from one of his mates and had to go and meet him to give him something for work. he was gone for 20 minutes. i know i was stupid but i looked at his laptop. initially i just checked my email but then started looking at the history and saw he was on an escort website. my jaw dropped to say the least. i clicked on the website and he was logged in so maybe his computer saves his log in. i was absolutely shocked by what i saw, he has more than 50 reviews of his times with different escorts over the course of the last few years.

i was sickened that my boyfriend was going to escorts. i didn't get a chance to see if he had gone to escorts in the last 6 months since we have been together. when he came back i told him i couldn't stay here and i had to go home because my mother wanted me to go. he seemed to buy that and kissed my goodbye. i dont think he has any idea that i know about his escorts.

i am so torn up. i really love him but i dont know if i can accept his escort past. i double checked it was his login so i know for sure he was with them. it makes me sick. he has told me in the past that when he was younger he didn't have much experience with women and he was shy and depressed but i didn't believe it because its hard to imagine him like that, so i think maybe he felt he had to make up for it and go to escorts? i dont care i am worried about my own health now and what he has given me. i cant stop crying because i love him so much but he also repulses me at the same time so i dont know what to think. i dont know if i can live without him, we are so perfect for each other. but deep down i think he needs help for his problem.

what should i do? i dont know if i can confront him

cafecolour

Is it the expressly the fact that he paid for sex or the pure number of different women? IE if he had picked up 50 different women from clubs for one-night stands would that still bother you?

I'd check the login dates. If he's been with an escort while dating you, then obviously that's a deal breaker.

Otherwise, I think getting escorts can get addictive so he may have had a phase and be over it. You'll have to decide how to deal with this going forward. You'll probably have to talk to him about it (if you don't decide just to break it off), since that's hard knowledge to pretend you don't know.

finbarrk

Would he have been able to afford that many? They don't do it cheap you know, and you say he is a student.
Maybe he is just making it up on that review site?
Suppose you will have to ask him about it.

Kimia

Say you have a male friend who uses escorts that noticed your bf's reviews.. Then ask him all about it..

Barracudaincork

hookerbf wrote: »

i clicked on the website and he was logged in so maybe his computer saves his log in.

Yes it more than likely does, but as you have been together 6 months i find it hard to believe he wouldnt of cleared his history over that period, as that is one of the basic maintenance things most people do etc So IMO it was a fairly active login and doesnt look that great on the outset tbh.

Best thing for you to do is take time out to think about what you want and what you dont want, right now you are too hurt, shocked etc to see the wood for the trees.

Taltos

I am not sure you should confront him. I think instead you need to admit that you invaded his privacy and now need his forgiveness.

What you did was a severe breach of trust and really shows lack of respect for your partner.

If he had admitted to his past or told you - that would be a different story. Because - here's the key - he does NOT have to tell you any of this. He just needs to ensure he is STI clear and is not putting you at risk.

To be honest I am more offended at you breaking his trust than whatever his past might be. HIS PAST here - nothing to do with you. Next time you start freaking out remember - that whatever he has done has made him who he is.

If he is willing to discuss this past wonderful. If not - either accept it and grovel or move on.

Barracudaincork

Kimia wrote: »

Say you have a male friend who uses escorts that noticed your bf's reviews.. Then ask him all about it..

A dishonest granted, but good way to bring it up, assuming he uses his real name on the website, if not her friend wouldnt of known it was him etc

xzanti

Oh God, that's a tough one, part of says, whatever he did before he met me is his business, but then a big part of me would just not be able to view him the same again, I just think it's a bit sad paying someone to have sex with you

unclecessna

Hi OP,

I have to be honest that I am very suprised by the number of friends and aquaintances I've met over the years who have paid for sex, people from all kinds of backgrounds and in most cases good looking lads with great personalities - I'm in my mid 20's btw.

I'm sure that this experience has come as a major shock but as a previous poster to me said and I'm inclined to agree perhaps he tried it as a one off thing when he was young and insecure and it became a bad habit afterwards.

I think the best thing to do now is just sit down and talk to him about it calmly and see what he has to say - we all make mistakes and from what you have said about how he treats you he sounds like an overall decent guy - this little suprise aside.

Also it's a good idea for you both to have an STI screen to be on the safe side.

Good luck.

Communicationb

How the hell could he afford that at 24 and still in college??

He may just be having a laugh by writting up reviews. Might just be harmless fun. Bit like vandalising wikipedia which I do every so often for a laugh...:D

Remember people on the web can take on very different personas in real life. While I dont know your bf and I honestly have my doubts as to whether he was actually with 50 escorts

(ps I think I know the website in question:o)

Barracudaincork

Taltos wrote: »

I am not sure you should confront him. I think instead you need to admit that you invaded his privacy and now need his forgiveness.

What you did was a severe breach of trust and really shows lack of respect for your partner.

If he had admitted to his past or told you - that would be a different story. Because - here's the key - he does NOT have to tell you any of this. He just needs to ensure he is STI clear and is not putting you at risk.

To be honest I am more offended at you breaking his trust than whatever his past might be. HIS PAST here - nothing to do with you. Next time you start freaking out remember - that whatever he has done has made him who he is.

If he is willing to discuss this past wonderful. If not - either accept it and grovel or move on.

I dont agree with everything that Taltos is saying here, but the general gist of invading his privacy is spot on, you are in the wrong for doing this and you will need to take responsibility for that also.

Barracudaincork

xzanti wrote: »

I just think it's a bit sad paying someone to have sex with you

People pay for sex for lots of reasons, both male and female people I might add, i know of both sexes who have paid for sex for one reason or another.

Lux23

If you are together 5 months and the site is till popping up in history then I would find it hard to believe he hasn't looked at it since he got serious with you. Personally I don't have a massive problem with escorting etc but if he was doing it while sleeping with you I don't think I would ever trust him in that situation. Alot of men sleep with escorts but 50 is very extreme especially at the age of 24, thats like an addiction.

Communicationb

I guess OP...the only way you can progress this matter is to ask him generally had he ever been with escorts etc? See what he says.

Danniboo

Op,

I'm sure you're intelligent enough to know that we shouldn't invade peoples privacy. Everyone has done something like this they shouldn't have done at one stage. If it were me I would be fuming, i'd go get yourself checked out and then i'd be gone.

ilovetosing

Op

Even if you say something or have a chat about it and its all gravy and in the past the relationship is FOOKED imo basically coz 6 months in you breach the trust and you are always gonna have the niggling feeling to do that again knowing what you have found this time.

Horrible thing to find but you asked for it! If this is something well and truely inhis past you will regret this decision for years to come thinking "if only I had of just trusted him"

LegacyUser

strongly disagree with you.

people are entitle to know who are their partner sleeping with, especially in 'serious' relationship.

OP's boyfriend has the responsibility to tell OP about this.

how can people 100% ensure they are not passing STD to others esp. they are sexually active with different partners? Condom is not 100% safe!

also, i won't hugely blame OP for doing this. i know privacy is important, but curiousity is part of us. no, i don't mean we can invade into others' privacy. OP is wrong, but i think, compare with the fact that her bf hiding his sex life (if it's true) from her, um, i can only say, well, it's better for her to know it now.

Taltos wrote: »

I am not sure you should confront him. I think instead you need to admit that you invaded his privacy and now need his forgiveness.

What you did was a severe breach of trust and really shows lack of respect for your partner.

If he had admitted to his past or told you - that would be a different story. Because - here's the key - he does NOT have to tell you any of this. He just needs to ensure he is STI clear and is not putting you at risk.

To be honest I am more offended at you breaking his trust than whatever his past might be. HIS PAST here - nothing to do with you. Next time you start freaking out remember - that whatever he has done has made him who he is.

If he is willing to discuss this past wonderful. If not - either accept it and grovel or move on.

G-Money

This is a tricky one.

If it is in his past and he's STD free and he hasn't been with anyone (hookers or otherwise) since he got with you, then I don't think you necessarily have any "right" to know about his past. Have you told him how many guys you have been with and been honest about it? - some people will round down the number with the excuse that some "don't count" which is rubbish to be honest, as they all count.

How would you feel if he ditched you as he felt you'd been with too many guys (from his point of view) before you met him?

It's possible it may have been a phase he was going through before he met you and he's well and truly past it now. Or like others, he could have just been going on and fiddling with the reviews and not been with any.

OP, I think if he hasn't been with anyone since he got with you and if he is clean, then I think you need to try and put it behind you. I'm sure he won't appreciate you snooping on him like that and I'm sure you wouldn't like the same treatment yourself.

If you are worried, make an appointment and get an STI test. Better to be safe than sorry.

LegacyUser

How can you compare reading someone's laptop history with using "escorts" and WRITING REVIEWS? She's in the wrong - are you all serious? The lad is a creep - thank God she found out. Even if he never used these prostitutes, he's written reviews about them. What a sordid way to spend your time. What better way to treat these women like animals.

OP, get going. He's been a wonderful boyfriend, but he's not the person you thought he was. That boyfriend was not real. This is the real person facing you now. Do you like what you see?

S23

The OP was out of line going through his mails alright and it was a definite invasion of privacy and breach of trust. However, in this case it is clearly the lesser of two evils.

I do agree that what a person does before they hook up with a partner is their own business. That much is clear. However, partners do have a right to know about some things and this is one of them. Sleeping with prostitutes, whose job it is to sleep with numerous different partners on a daily basis, is something that certainly impacts the OP as this lads girlfriend. Shes entitled to know.

You don't get to lie or keep your past secret. Its unfair and underhanded. Its up to your partner to accept thats what you did and that you are no longer that person. Its their choice not yours. Lying or hiding things you've done/are is no basis for a relationship.

I would say that 50 seems excessive. A friend of mine uses escorts a lot and going by what he says they are about €300 a go? Thats 15k in whatever space of time. Its a lot of disposable cash for a student to have to spend on sex.

However, there is the chance that he is still actively at it. If this stuff is saved in his memory on his laptop then I would be 99% sure theres stuff on there from within the last 5 months you have been together.

You need to talk to him about it. He'll probably try and use you having a snoop at his personal stuff to throw a fit and avoid talking about it. Let him do that the first time. Hes probably entitled to. Let him throw a fit and tell you that you have no business looking through his stuff.

But bring it up again another time and do not let him get away with throwing a strop to avoid the issue. Tell him he's had his chance to do that and now its time to get to the crux of the matter. Your sexual health and health in general could be at serious risk if he is/has been sleeping with prositutes while sleeping with you

LegacyUser

His past is his own business?

So if he's been a thief (in the past), or a cheat (in the past) or a regular prostitute user (in the past) or any number of things (in the past) then she has no business knowing or caring about it?

With BF or GF it's not just chemistry but their character you're concerned with. It goes with the territory - you're not a casual acquaintance or a work colleague.

Someone who uses and writes reviews on prostitutes performance has a different character to someone who does volunteer work for example. Some of you don't like to think that you are judged by what you do, but of course you are. Judged not as in condemned but as in judging the quality of someone. How else do we know what people are like except by what they actually do? How you behave and what you choose to do with your life shows who you are.

She's disgusted by him.

She's right.

Taltos

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

His past is his own business?

Yup - who has he hurt here - except maybe himself?

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

So if he's been a thief (in the past), or a cheat (in the past) or a regular prostitute user (in the past) or any number of things (in the past) then she has no business knowing or caring about it?

So you equate using the services of escorts to being a thief or a cheat? That is a good stretch.
Being a regular prostitute user or anything else - big margins there - I am not saying she has NO right to know. But surely he has a right to privacy and a right to informing her when he felt he could - if he ever felt that way.
The big thing here is that she broke his trust - hopefully he has been checked - but then hopefully everyone else here who has had a one-night stand or 50 has been checked also.

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

With BF or GF it's not just chemistry but their character you're concerned with. It goes with the territory - you're not a casual acquaintance or a work colleague.

Yes - character is key. And like it or not - what he has done in the past (known or unknown) has formed the person she was attracted to... OK she did not have all the facts - and now she has somemore - although by deceitful means - says more about HER character.

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

Someone who uses and writes reviews on prostitutes performance has a different character to someone who does volunteer work for example. Some of you don't like to think that you are judged by what you do, but of course you are. Judged not as in condemned but as in judging the quality of someone. How else do we know what people are like except by what they actually do? How you behave and what you choose to do with your life shows who you are.

Is the OP a volunteer now? And this is a wild stretch - I mean - look at a newspaper - see anything there about the Pope or a Bishop recently?
In terms of judging someone by what they do - yes we all do that - but are we right? OK - I personally would be horrified if I learnt my OH used escorts - but I would never have invaded their privacy to find out. Yes I might dump them but I know I would be dumped first.

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

She's disgusted by him.

That is quite clear. It is also quite clear that you and she cannot see that just because she found out something distasteful about her bf does not make her act any more valid or correct.

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

She's right.

She may be right to end it.
She is NOT right in how she discovered this.

Not once in my original post did I mention that the boyfriend in this case was a saint or to be praised for his choices. Personally I have never used an escort or a prostitute though I think they are two different things but in a similar line of work. However, I do know someone who has. I have seen firsthand the fall out from some so called friends who got on top of their high horses and derided him in public. I have not seen one of these friends try to understand why he did this.
I have not seen one of these friends show one piece of "christian" love, understanding and forgiveness.
He was and is a good friend. I don't look at him and feel disgust - I see someone who at that time in his life was lonely, sought companionship and now carries the stigma from some of our friends. I still see someone who is lonely, who craves a loving relationship - even just for one night. Is it his fault that they just see our "little friend" - is it his fault that women cannot get beyond his height?

So no - I am not going to lambast the boyfriend - that is the easy target.
I stand by my call of the OP here as a snoop - an invader of privacy - and a breaker of trust.
Maybe she can get beyond this, maybe not. But finally - 2 wrongs does not make a right.

Goodmenandtrue

Goodmenandtrue wrote: »

His past is his own business?

So if he's been a thief (in the past), or a cheat (in the past) or a regular prostitute user (in the past) or any number of things (in the past) then she has no business knowing or caring about it?

With BF or GF it's not just chemistry but their character you're concerned with. It goes with the territory - you're not a casual acquaintance or a work colleague.

Someone who uses and writes reviews on prostitutes performance has a different character to someone who does volunteer work for example. Some of you don't like to think that you are judged by what you do, but of course you are. Judged not as in condemned but as in judging the quality of someone. How else do we know what people are like except by what they actually do? How you behave and what you choose to do with your life shows who you are.

She's disgusted by him.

She's right.

+1

This would be common sense to most people. This 'not judging people by their actions' thing is rubbish - how ELSE are you going to judge someone's character? Your actions indeed show who you are.

Where do you draw the line between what is and isn't OK? I might not mind working with or having a few pints with someone who'd been with 50 prostitutes but I sure as hell wouldn't want to date that person. I must have missed the memo where you have to accept someone as a partner no matter what they've done in the past.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Communicationb wrote: »

How the hell could he afford that at 24 and still in college??

He may just be having a laugh by writting up reviews. Might just be harmless fun. Bit like vandalising wikipedia which I do every so often for a laugh...:D

Remember people on the web can take on very different personas in real life. While I dont know your bf and I honestly have my doubts as to whether he was actually with 50 escorts

(ps I think I know the website in question:o)

Not impossible. I mean you can probably get them for half an hour sessions. If he had a full time job at any point its not much. Put it in perspective people easily spend €80 on a night out in Dublin.

OP I'm a guy so can't really say how I'd feel. All I know is you're gonna have to ensure you get very regular smear tests.

Bottle_of_Smoke

taltos wrote:

Personally I have never used an escort or a prostitute though I think they are two different things but in a similar line of work

Eh really depends. If he's using the escorts to have a few drinks with or chat to or role playing etc they are different.

If he's having sex with them (and the tone of the OP suggests he is) then they are exactly the same.

So no - I am not going to lambast the boyfriend - that is the easy target.
I stand by my call of the OP here as a snoop - an invader of privacy - and a breaker of trust.
Maybe she can get beyond this, maybe not. But finally - 2 wrongs does not make a right.

The fact that she did something wrong to find out this information is irrelevant to how she feels about the information. As the thread is about her boyfriend's use of escorts I don't really understand why you're bringing it up.

parker kent

Taltos wrote: »

So no - I am not going to lambast the boyfriend - that is the easy target.
I stand by my call of the OP here as a snoop - an invader of privacy - and a breaker of trust.
Maybe she can get beyond this, maybe not. But finally - 2 wrongs does not make a right.

There is absolutely no way you can compare having a look at somebody's browsing history with long-term use of escorts. That is probably the most innocent case of snooping anybody could ever do. She wasn't rifling through his drawers or looking at is text messages. She just was using the Internet. I just find your tone unbelievable really. So she is a breaker of trust for having a look at his browsing history, whereas his (possible) use of escorts is seemingly OK?

Anyway OP, I can't think of anyway out of this other than to confront him. You have to say you saw the site come up on his browsing history (perhaps say you were putting in the URL of a different website and it was one of the suggestions) and say you saw the reviews. Admittedly he may have just been lying on the site, although that would be rather an odd thing to do 50 times.

The amount of times he has potentially been with an escort is shocking. Like others have said, that must have been extremely expensive, especially a student. That element does make me question the amount of escorts. But really I have to think there is no smoke without fire in this scenario.

It is a horrible situation for you, I really sympathize with you. Cheating is cheating regardless of whether it was 50 one night stands or like this, but I can completely see why this seems really awful.

So confront him, don't get side-tracked on issues like you looking at his history (you don't have to say you were snooping, not that it matters anyway) and find out if he really is the guy you liked.

LegacyUser

I find it very sceptical that he would have visited 50 escorts at the age of 24 while being a student....not impossible just very unlikely.

I would think that he is just visiting the sites and posting as some kind of cheap thrill. Maybe the thought of going to one arouses feelings of excitement in him, but it doesnt mean he goes through with it...the number 50 would suggest this. I have heard of stranger things people do on the net for a cheap thrill. Some people just get bored with porn and do things like this as a substitute.

As for what you do...just say you were tyoing something in the address bar and the site popped up and curiosity got the better of you. He mightn't be too happy about it and either way he is going to be embarassed, but if it's something you can't get your head around you need to say something.

FishFood

If people are of the opinion that you should know these things about your partner in order to judge their character, then should we be asking all prospective partners for background checks?

I am amazed that people are overlooking or disregarding the invasion of privacy here, people can have and do have very sensitive information stored on laptops and it is in no way acceptable to access this without someone's consent. There is after all a reason why evidence gained in illegal searches is unusable in legal matters, peoples privacy ranks that high that even criminal scum are protected somewhat in that regard.

The OP has admitted that her OH has been nothing but decent to her to date, why not judge his character on that basis instead of entire supposition on what was found on his laptop? Being a good, decent and loving partner isn't enough now?

There could be any number of reasons for those reviews, he could be making them up, he may have even used some of the escort services, he may even have used all 50 of them. What of it? It's the past, it doesn't and shouldn't change any aspect of the person he has been to you to date, the person you admitted you are getting on very well with.

The only issue is whether he has been using them while he has been with you, however its really a moot point as you have no real way of raising this as once he finds out how you discovered this it will likely end the relationship, much as I assume it would anyway if you know hes been cheating on you.

So essentially you are judging a person who has been decent to you, on knowledge you found out in a sneaky method, with no real proof of anything at this stage. He may have been waiting to get to know you better before revealing he has been with escorts previously, I know for me it wouldn't be something I would raise straight away.

But for most of the replies here maybe thats what we all have to do when we meet someone at a bar:

'Hi random girl, can I buy you a drink?'

'Sure, but first, have you slept with escorts? Any previous drug use? Criminal record? Children from previous relationships? Secret government past involving shadowy agencies and corruption?'

S23

I can only assume you are being intentionally obtuse with all this talk of background checks. Its not about background checks. Its about being honest with any prospective long term partner about the person you are.

Hiding things and intentionally keeping things a secret isn't a good basis for a relationship. If visiting 50 prostitutes is no big deal, as has been suggested on here, then surely the OPs boyfriend should have no problem saying 'Yeah I was with 50 hookers and I don't think its a big deal'. It might not be a big deal to him but it most certainly might be to the OP.

It happens so often on here that it amazes me but people are always seeming to suggest that one half of the realtionship gets to decide for both whats alright and whats not. The OP's boyfriend, or any poster on here, do not get to decide whether it is ok in the OP's eyes that her boyfriend was with up to 50 prostitutes.

While nothing is proven so far I'd point out somethign else. For all of you saying 'oh what he did in the past is nothing to do with the OP and not her business', leaving that aside, don't forget that if he has been to these 50 prostitutes theres every chance he has been with some of them within the 5 months of dating the OP so it has everything to do with her and it is her business if thats the case

FishFood

I can only assume you are being intentionally obtuse with all this talk of background checks. Its not about background checks. Its about being honest with any prospective long term partner about the person you are.

Hiding things and intentionally keeping things a secret isn't a good basis for a relationship. If visiting 50 prostitutes is no big deal, as has been suggested on here, then surely the OPs boyfriend should have no problem saying 'Yeah I was with 50 hookers and I don't think its a big deal'. It might not be a big deal to him but it most certainly might be to the OP.

Sorry but thats ridiculous, there is a massive difference between intentionally hiding things and things that you are prepared to be honest about but are waiting for the right moment.

There is no indication from the OP's story that he was hiding anything, in fact it seems like it was quite blatent in his open reviewing on the site. To me that would indicate it is not something he is altogether ashamed of or hiding. He may have intended to share this with the OP at some stage, but even you have to admit that there are times and places to open up to people and early on is not one of them.

As I said, if he has been with them while with the OP, thats cheating and is a different story. However that is not clear from the post and I am only going on what she posted. And that is that a decent person has something in his past that she doesnt like that she found out by intentionally invading his privacy. Thats all the information she gave.

There is absolutely no reason and he in no way has to open up about that to her right away, if the relationship developed into something more serious and long term then yes I would expect he would be honest about it but again from her post that doesn't seem to be the case.

seenitall

Fish food, I would steer well clear of any guy who thought that being in a serious and long-term relationship is a condition that has to be met for him to be honest about having been with/reviewed 50 "escorts" in the past few months. The guy knows well enough that it will not go down well with any prospective girlfriend (not to say it will be an utter deal-breaker with most), and that is the reason he is keeping it hush hush. He was going to tell her when the relationship gets serious? Erm... I really don't think so! This is an ongoing intimate relationship, not a ONS or similar, therefore it is "serious" enough for disclosures of this kind.

I am reacting strongly because I was in a similar situation once with an ex, luckily for me he was stupid enough to let me use his PC, whereby all his undeleted history (using the term both literally and figuratevely here) opened up like a veritable can of worms. I DID NOT KNOW THIS PERSON AT ALL.

The fact that she breached his trust (which I agree she did) should be the least of this girl's worries.

gavney1

Re: Taltos post on invasion of privacy

Yes, she wasn't right to invade his privacy, but there's obviously a much bigger issue here i.e. the escorts.

If she hadn't have done it, she may well have found out 6 months down the line from him and wasted both their time

So, yes, OP you should probably apologise for invading his privacy, but don't let that detract from the far far far bigger issue. And don't let HIM let it detract from the bigger issue

fits

last night i was in his room and he was messing around on his laptop. he got a call from one of his mates and had to go and meet him to give him something for work. he was gone for 20 minutes. i know i was stupid but i looked at his laptop. initially i just checked my email but then started looking at the history and saw he was on an escort website. my jaw dropped to say the least. i clicked on the website and he was logged in so maybe his computer saves his log in. i was absolutely shocked by what i saw, he has more than 50 reviews of his times with different escorts over the course of the last few years.

If this is an invasion of his privacy its pretty mild. Its much less of an invasion than reading his emails or texts for example. She merely clicked on a website he was already logged into. He had posted those reviews on the internet for public consumption.

I'd be out the door. For being with 50 hookers. And for writing reviews about them!

Holy god what are these women to someone like him... horsemeat?

FishFood

Fish food, I would steer well clear of any guy who thought that being in a serious and long-term relationship is a condition that has to be met for him to be honest about having been with/reviewed 50 "escorts" in the past few months.

My point is that she states she met this guy 5 months ago. 5 months!!! And you are telling me that she should know every single part of his past history in that space of time?

Come on, be serious, at that stage its more about simply having fun. It makes far more sense for this sort of issue to be raised once this stage is over and you think there could be a long term future. It would scare a lot of people if in that space of time the person told you something along these lines.

It is also equally scary to me that someone I was seeing for only 5 months is talking about living together and whether she can 'put up with me' given my dark past that she discovered by invading my privacy. Who among you would honestly say that isn't equally as scary?

Also remember that she repeatedly states how nice he is being to her, you have to admit that 5 months is no time at all to know whether this is just a fling, the two of them are having fun. If he sees nothing more in it then that and is treating her well then what obligation does he have to tell her?

If he sees something long term in this, as i said before, then yes he should let her know and she can decide then. But there would be few relationships that would get off the ground if people were going into their pasts in the first few months.

mobilecore

What kind of people live in the world? ... No offense to certain uses but what type of people use this site? ..

The op has every right to have an issue. How can people be only making an issue with invasion of privacy? ... no one says it was right. But can anyone on here actually put their hand up and say they NEVER looked at a partners phone or pc (or whatever)? ... not even the once? Im not saying its right. It is wrong. However my point is we have all done it at one point. But whats more important is what she found.

Being with escorts is enough to make a serious problem. Even if its in his past. He didnt tell the OP did he? ... now we can all understand why he didnt. Didnt want to tarnish things before they kicked off. Not wanting to shoot himself in the foot. But thats a double edged sword - by hiding it, of its nature (escorts), if it comes out you have to confront the reactions then.

Yes everyone has a past and maybe did certain things that would effect a new relationship from starting or create an issue if your current partner found out. Lets be realistic most wouldnt tell their new partner if it was something that would really put them off. They would hide it. But thats the thing, if they come to light you got the face the fact they will create a reaction from your partner. Of course it depends on the issue. But in this case escorts is a big issue with STDs and the like. Not to mention he could of been going to them behind the Ops back for the last few months


Op, most browsers are set to hold web history for 30 days by default. Depending on what Browser software (the new IE is set to 20 days by default) Even if he had it set to hold information for 6 months say. You said he was logged in. Most browsers would only store the username and password ready to be clicked to login. If you went to the site and he was ALREADY logged in ... that would suggest he logged in that day (that session)

Op, you have to get away from him. Even if you leave whats in his past in the past (which with escorts and STDs and the like how could you?)
But for someone who has wrote 50 reviews ... suggesting he regularly used escorts at one point, is still looking at the site? Whats going through his mind.
That screams alarm bells right there. My money would be on he has at least been to one during your relationship. How would you know? didnt tell you about going to any.

Barracudaincork

FishFood wrote: »

My point is that she states she met this guy 5 months ago. 5 months!!! And you are telling me that she should know every single part of his past history in that space of time?

I agree, he more than likely wanted to make sure he could trust her with the information and she wasnt going to tell everyone etc etc It would be a big deal to some women and the boyfriend knows this, which is why he is being choosy about who he tells. This would be the same for anyone who has slept with 50 people regardless of who those ladies were. People are not often told things in relationships as they cant handle the truth or they will throw it back into the other persons face, it takes faith in someone to tell them something as big as sleeping with 50 escorts.

kjl

This is a tricky one OP

on one hand he is a nice guy, but on the other hand he has spent between 5000 and 7500 on hookers and still regularly visits the site.

I do think it was an invasion of privacy, but that has been totally trumped by what you found.

Personally I would confirm that he actually did this and it isn't some jack off fantasy(Which it could be). If he did do it, get rid of him, IMO anyone who needs to use that many hookers needs the get their head examined.

Porn would be one thing, but this is sick.

Anyone saying that his past is his past is wrong, the are normal people and there are people who sleep with 50 prostitutes, and yes, I would break up with some girl if I found out she slept with 50 hookers, case closed.

mobilecore

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I agree, he more than likely wanted to make sure he could trust her with the information and she wasnt going to tell everyone etc etc It would be a big deal to some women and the boyfriend knows this, which is why he is being choosy about who he tells. This would be the same for anyone who has slept with 50 people regardless of who those ladies were. People are not often told things in relationships as they cant handle the truth or they will throw it back into the other persons face, it takes faith in someone to tell them something as big as sleeping with 50 escorts.

Ah lets be realistic here. As I wrote above. The only reason why he didnt tell the op is because he didnt want to shoot himself in the foot ... because of the subject nature, being with so many escorts (as 50 reviews suggest) Most women would run. Its not like he has an illness or an embrassing issue or whatever which would make him not tell the OP until he knew her ...

Simple fact is he hid it from the op. He had no intention of ever telling her. Lets just be totally honest. This was something he never would of said.

Op is right to have an issue. To be dating someone who has had sex with so many escorts... stds... geez enough to suggest he may have been to some while with her. He was logged in.

FishFood

Ok I am going to hazard a guess that the majority of posters supporting the OP are women.

If that is the case let me ask you this, say if the situation were reversed and you had had 50 sexual partners over the past few years. Lets make it somewhat equivalent to escorts and say the majority of them were one night stands. Now lets say you met this guy 5 months ago and things are going well but its all fun stuff at the moment, nothing too serious (as I imagine most 5 month relationships are).
According to most of you, the right thing to do is to let this guy know as soon as possible the amount of previous sexual partners you have had recently? According to most of you this is a good idea is it? This is the OH's business at that stage of the relationship?

The right answer is no it is not, lets face it, if we all did that then most relationships would end at that stage since both people have not had the time to build any foundations that can deal with this kind of revelation.

And before most of you start arguing that one night stands are not equivalent to escorts, let me put forward this argument that they are. With a one night stand you have no idea of the persons sexual past or any potential diseases, I would even argue that escorts are safer in this regard since they would require protection be used and would likely undergo regular checks as it is their livelihood. You are in no way guaranteed any of the above with a one night stand.
If the distinction is the payment for sex is viewed as disgusting or seedy, we well know that large numbers of drunken one night stands are veiwed as equally seedy, particularly by women.

It is very easy to criticise the OP's bf for his past, I myself don't agree with using escorts. I am only trying to point out that at early stages in the relationship it is a fairly ludicrous argument to state that he should be that open about his past. At the 5 month stage, people would even be having trouble revealing their own sexual fantasies let alone the history.

I think it is pefectly reasonable if you were to reverse thew situation as above, I don't think too may women would admit to the amount of recent sexual partners that soon in a relationship, if at all. And if most of you are honest you will admit that

miec

f this is an invasion of his privacy its pretty mild. Its much less of an invasion than reading his emails or texts for example. She merely clicked on a website he was already logged into. He had posted those reviews on the internet for public consumption.

I'd be out the door. For being with 50 hookers. And for writing reviews about them!

Holy god what are these women to someone like him... horsemeat?

+ 1.

I'm sorry that you found this information Op but it is a good thing too, it is very unlikely that your (possibly soon to be ex) would have ever admitted this to you, but for me if I was with a man and learned he had used numerous prostitutes it would be a deal breaker for me, I would be too disgusted that a man bought a woman and paid her to have sex with him. I find the whole prostitution business to be degrading both for the prostitute and the man or woman who pays for it. Furthermore, I would take it that he has no respect for women or sex.

kjl

FishFood wrote: »

If the distinction is the payment for sex is viewed as disgusting or seedy

no, what seems seedy to me is that he not only frequents hookers, but he reviews them too. He has no respect for intimacy.

it's one thing a lonely guy get an escort one night, but this guy is a bloody power user, if he was an ebayer, I would trust him.

and to answer you point, yes, I would have the how many guys have you been with convo with a girl within 5 months, and if she told me she was with over 50 one night stands, I wouldn't be with her.

I want to be with someone who respects themselves, and anyone who does that doesn't.

mobilecore

Fishfood.
I am a guy

I understand what you're saying, after 5 months a person wouldnt know everything about their partner. Yes people can have alot of one night stands too. If a girl has say 20 in one year she wouldnt tell her new BF would she? ...

As I say, lets be realistic. Everyone has a past. No one would tell their partner about what they did (maybe after years of being together different story tho) The op's boyfriend was never going to tell her. Lets face that fact. Because of the subject nature.

I'm a guy as I say. What if between now and june i meet 25 escorts (something i couldnt actually do - paying for sex is sad). Lets just all be realistic here. No "P.C." answers. If that came out i'd have to accept the reactions my partner would have to that. The Subject nature like... escorts. She'd be right to run a mile.

My point is people have a right to feel umcomfortable with their partners past if it comes to light. People rarely tell new partners what they've done... thats the sad fact of life But you cant blame her for having an issue with it when she found out.

Apart from all that he shouldnt of been still looking at the site.

gavney1

FishFood wrote: »

Ok I am going to hazard a guess that the majority of posters supporting the OP are women.

well I for one am a man, and I support the OP.

Not sure about the others...

The invasion of privacy was minimal and only a side-issue really.

Whether the OP's bf's habits are moral/ethical/ whether it's sick is irrelevant. What's relevant is that the OP is bothered by it and doesn't find it attractive. Personally I wouldn't either, but am NOT JUDGING anyone of a different mindset

seenitall

Fishfood, if I had had 50 ONS/ used 50 prostitutes in the course of my life let alone past few months I would be spilling the beans alright - to my therapist!!! I would most certainly not think of getting into any kind of relationship with another human being as I would have the sense and honesty enough to know that I am acting in an unhealthy, irresponsible and damaging way, both to myself and to any prospective partner (STIs, very possible sex-addiction issues, probability of self-esteem issues... take your pick).

"if we all did that then most relationships would end at that stage since both people have not had the time to build any foundations that can deal with this kind of revelation."

Well, that is exactly the point!! Maybe most relationships with people like that SHOULD end at that stage, before the partner who's been kept in the dark finds out after, say, a few years of relationship and maybe even a kid or two thrown into the mix, that they have been living in a fool's paradise, and OH IS NOT THE PERSON WHO THEY PRETENDED TO BE. It happened to me, luckily early on and no kids involved, but of course he was not happy about me finding the information about him. Far from it! He had everything to lose from me finding out and nothing to gain. No thought whatsoever was given to the consideration that I was being coldly deceived about important intimate issues. So I hope you don't persist in trying to defend that extremely selfish behaviour.

And to answer the earlier question of yours addressed to me; no, I don't think you should be telling EVERYTHING about your sex history 5 months into a relationship. Just the, you know, pertinant information, such as HAVING BEEN WITH X AMOUNT OF ESCORTS IN THE LAST X AMOUNT OF MONTHS (lot of escorts, not a lot of months kind of thing).

LegacyUser

Hi OP
Go onto the site on your own laptop and find all the review he made. The his review will most likely give a date.

That way you can decide if he was cheating on you.

As for what you do with the information - good or bad is up to up?

I've nothing against sleeping with prostitutes (i'm in favour of legalising it) but to review them online for other to hear about your exploits is a little creepy.

But before you read a review from him I'd ask - Do you want to know the gory details?

But that said knowing the info is out there it'll only be a matter of time before you do look.

Tbh - knowing about 50 ex partners(or hookers) is one thing - reading the blow by blow reviews is something else.
I'd prob guess your relationship is doomed.

slashygoodness

At the end of the day its your choice to talk this through with him, if you want to continue the relationship then you should talk to him, admit you were wrong to invade his privacy, but that you did find material that you are concened about and you would like for him to give his story on what this material is and if he is still actively involved with these escorts. If this is a dealbeaker for you walk away, if not then you have learnt an important lesson, nothing good ever comes from snooping in other peoples private afairs.....

John Mason

would it be better if he just had 50 one night stands?

what he did in the past is nothing to do with one except him.

iguana

FishFood wrote: »

If that is the case let me ask you this, say if the situation were reversed and you had had 50 sexual partners over the past few years. Lets make it somewhat equivalent to escorts and say the majority of them were one night stands.

One night stands and paying for sex are not even remotely alike. A one stand is when two people are attracted to each other and as a result they have sex. They are both in the act for the same reason and it is a meeting of equals.

Using a prostitute is when one person pays for sex like it is a commodity. One person is having sex that they've paid for and the other is acting a part and doing the things we all do at work; mentally running up a shopping list/planning the weekend/counting down the minutes 'til it's time to go home. Neither participant is an equal, one has bought the use of the other. The other is doing it for cash.

If I found out my partner had used prostitutes in the past I'd have a hard time coming to terms with the idea he thought of sex/women as commodities. And while I could possibly reconcile myself to the idea that he had used prostitutes I think the fact that he put reviews of the women online to be a step too far, it just seems so disrespectful.

Tuesday_Girl

iguana wrote: »

If I found out my partner had used prostitutes in the past I'd have a hard time coming to terms with the idea he thought of sex/women as commodities. And while I could possibly reconcile myself to the idea that he had used prostitutes I think the fact that he put reviews of the women online to be a step too far, it just seems so disrespectful.

Same here, I find the idea of using a prostitute/escort less distasteful than going online to write a review about her.

PK2008

Its a terrible situation OP, my sympathies

Being a guy its probably unlikely I would ever be in a similar situation but I think if I was going out with a girl and I found out that she used to be an escort- Id probably finish it.

LegacyUser

well i think its over. i dont know if i did the right thing. i confronted my bf about this when i was in his apartment. i just honestly said i saw it. he flew off the handle about me invading his privacy. i asked him if it was true and he refused to answer. he said the past is the past and he never asked me about mine. he said he hates people snooping on him and thats why he moved out of home. i told him i just wanted answers and to talk about it and he shouted, "ok, how many c*cks have you sucked?" he was just incapable of being civil about it and really hurt my feelings. i was shocked because he never talked to me like that before. he just kept saying it was none of my business and then shouted at me to leave which i did.

i was very upset about it and thankfully my best friend was there for me in the last few days. i was continually contacting him to talk about it but he was shunning my calls until yesterday. we met up and he was more open about it. he said he was a virgin and was in bed with a girl and couldnt get it up. she laughed at him and they broke up. it happened again with a new girl and then happened again. so his confidence was very low sexually and he couldn't get over it. he was actually afraid to have sex because he knew he couldnt and didnt want to be humiliated again so he started seeing escorts to become better at sex. he said he needed different escorts to get over his nervousness with new people and be able to perform better at sex. is this a good reason?? he also said he wasnt with any escorts since we were together and his computer just saves the log in. he proved that because the date of his last review was a month before we met. he showed me that. i cant bring myself to read the reviews.

i told him 50 was way too much and he said that its just a number and i've probably had sex with a lot of guys and he'll never know the true number because il never tell him. i told him my number - 4 and it's 100% true but he said he could never believe any girl who told him how many guys they had sex with. what was he trying to achieve by that argument?

so i told him i needed to think about the relationship and he then said if im going to be like that we should break up cos hes been more honest with me than he ever has with anyone in his life. he just walked away after he said that. i have tried to contact him but hes not replying. i really want to talk to him. i think i can forgive him i really do love him. i think my bf was low on confidence and it really hurt him when a girl laughed when he tried to have sex for the first time. but i still can't get over the number of 50.. but when i met him i could see his honesty and he told me he doesnt care about the past and just wants things to be like they were, which is all i want!! i dont know what i should do