I don't know what to do with him anymore

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of two and a half years is a depressive alcoholic.

I was seventeen when I first met him and he was 22. I thought things were fine because I was young and naive. He arrived on our first date locked. I didn't really notice because I had never met him before and I just thought he was cool because he was older.

Eventually I realised that he was really into drinking and taking drugs with his so cold ''mates'' who are all losers and wasters. I was in too deep into the relationship at this point to back out, first love and all that.

He gets disgusting when he drinks. Once he went on a ten day bender, drugs too and I was there the whole time, sober, trying to make him stop. I couldn't. It really upset me.

So this became a routine. Then one night I was very angry at him and I pushed him and hit him hard, I guess I was trying to knock sense into him, he wouldn't respond to anything else, and he hit me back. I honestly don't think it was right even though I hit him first, I'm tiny, I'm 5''7 and a size six. I don't have much strength. he is a grown man.

However I stayed with him throughout. Trying to help, ''nagging'' him to go to AA, I kept saying I would do anything I could to see him better and happy, how I've never really seen him.

This goes on for about a year. I get hurt emotionally a thousand times as he keeps letting me down. I'm always there to pick up the pieces.

So one day he lies and says he decided to not go to college but to go to the pub with his mate, so I was rang him and was like wtf why are you not going to college your exams are soon (something he kept going on about how he wanted to do well, when he was sober) and he lies again. turns out he got a hotel room right next to his gaf on his own, and bought methadrone. He had it all to himself, and had alcohol to go with it. When I rang I broke down.

I'm an emotional wreck after everything he has put me through. I've been trying so hard to lead him to the right path in life, get a job, get his education, be happy, not have to drink to have fun.

BTW he's 25, living at home and unemployed since last august. not because of the ''recession'' but because he never bothered to find a job. also his last job, he used to go in and drink a shoulder of vodka, and come back and laugh about it to me about how he got away with it. I was and still am disgusted.

But going back to when he took methadrone. the next day he says he feels very low. really ****. he says he wants me to come see him because he feels suicidal. I don't believe him because he's used that line before to get me back, since I just keep going back.

But I do go back. and say I'll go with him to the doctor (as he suggests) saying he is sick of getting ****ed for no reason, sick of how he acts, sick of how he treats me. so I'm like wow. He's decided this on his own, no nagging on my part to do something with his life, so I go. turns out he's very depressed. go figure.

So he's on antidepressants and I've never seen him more happy. He always looks on the bright side of things and wants to have innocent fun. we're getting on really well, and he's often in a much better mood than I am, which I've never experienced with him before. However all the emotional trauma he's put me through still has me thinking he'll go back to his old ways, he promises (like he has a hundred times before) he doesn't even want to do it anymore. As in get off his tits for no reason.

His loser mate who's younger than me (I'm 19, the boyfriend is 25) comes over from Waterford tonight. I'm just going to work and I know that when they are together they get messy, so I ask him, ''you promise me you'll be good and you won't drink or do drugs yeah?'' and he says ''I promise. I already told him I cant drink cause I'm on antidepressants anyway'' so I'm like okay thats grand, I go to work at 10, and I get a text off him at about 11. ''just coming back from the pub now, see u later''

I assume its just him accompanying him to the pub, so I ring on my cigarette break. ''yeah I had a few beers and I'm bringing back a few to the gaf '' (his parents are away) So I freak out.

Once again he disappoints me to the max. he promised me he wouldn't drink. and he does. He claims he never said he wouldn't drink. I'm so angry I'm shaking. I have to leave work, without explanation, because I couldn't act normal around normal people. I get a taxi back to his and there he is, with his disgusting drunk eyes. and his loser country mate. and he wonders why I'm going mental. I don't know if this post is about me or him but I think I've had a mental breakdown.

I feel nothing. I feel that I'm so angry, its beyond anger. and sadness.

I think I need help, for all the **** he's put me through.

I feel very depressed in my own life. which I have to say isn't the best but it's not the worst either.

My father has left without word to leave me and my 22 year old brother to pay the bills for our house. I make less than 100 Europa a month. I pay for my own college and my friends aren't supportive. The only think I have to keep me sane is my photography and my modeling. There the one things no one can seem to destroy.

However, I feel totally just not motivated anymore. I don't know if I can handle life anymore in a sense.

I know this post must be so long but I just feel like I'm pouring my heart out to total strangers from the internet.

I don't know what to do with him, my life, or who to turn to.

Thank you for your time....

Victor

Hi OP, I've tidied up your post to make it a bit more readable. I hope you don't mind.

---

It sounds like you need (a) someone to sit down with and talk to - is there someone you can do that with? (b) you need a break from all the drama that he is creating - do you have somewhere you can go for a week?

LegacyUser

OP, I lived with an alcho for 10 years.

Take it from me, you can't fix him. He drinks because he wants to, he takes meph because he wants to.

All the nagging and begging you do is just irritating white noise to him. The way it is now is the way it will always be with him. He is not going to change, this is what its going to be like.

You are young. 19, fook this misery, walk away.

You can't lead him anywhere, he doesn't want to live a good clean innocent life. He will give you lip service and pretend he does but he will keep doing everything he is already doing.....why? Because he can.

All you will get out of this loser is wrinkes and a load of wasted years you can never get back.

Its not supposed to be this hard.

First love. I hear you. You're young, elastic, you will bounce back. Not bullsh!t, I mean it.

Ditch him before he drags you under too.

Snowie

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink it....

First things first we've all been young and nieve.
Its one of those things we learn from it and try not to make the same mistakes again. Yet some times we do..Even me more recently.

Personally speaking the guy appears to have no interest in giving up drink or drugs, and in full on self disstruct mode and is very selfish...

On the other hand you care, you want to see him do well for him self... But is he really interested..? I dont think so.

As for your current, situation I think something as drastic as chainging your number dumping him and moving on with your life could be a step in the right direction, but as easy as it for me or any one else to say the real strength comes from you and being able to except for a time you may feel lonely and the want to say things but thats where the strength of walking away comes from. Because your doing whats ultimatly right for you in the long term....

I would say the fact that you, braught your mdoelling and photography in it, is good you need to remind your self that alot more.... I would say this would be your greatist distraction....

As for your finalcal struggelshave a chat with your local comunity wellfare officer they maybe able to help

cafecolour

Yeah, I'm going to have second the opinion that it's best if you leave him.

You're not going to fix him, he can only fix himself, and he's definitely not going to do it with you - he knows you'll protest but keep putting up with it.

You need to work on yourself and your situation right now, and don't need the additional trauma from him making it more difficult.

Gyalist

You're trying to make bricks from straw - it can't be done. Time to end this relationship. It seems that you've taken on the role of his mother when you yourself need some adult help. It's time to focus on yourself and your future and leave your boyfriend to his own devices. You are not responsible for his behaviour and his choices.

LegacyUser

thank you everyone for having the time to read and reply to this.

I left his house, packed all my stuff and came home to an empty house which was hard, but eventually i fell asleep and my brother looked after me.
I've got an appointment with my doctor today and ill go and get my number changed tomorrow.

thank you all so much.

LegacyUser

Steer totally clear of him and make sure you don't get sucked back in.

He might try to make you pity him and promise to change (my ex always did) but ignore this, it will never come to anything.

Good luck, life begins now, put the misery behind you!!!

LegacyUser

Op, I wanted to reply to this to tell you to leave and save yourself years of heartbreak and sadness. But you have already made the move! Congratulations!!!

Stay away from him, dont answer his calls, he will try to manipulate you into doing what he wants again and again. Crying, threatening suicide etc etc. Ignore this and get on with your own life!!!

As for your home life, just make sure your brother and yourself look after each other. Without all the stress of your BF, you will figure out how to survive on limited funds. Keep the head up OP!

LegacyUser

OP, my heart go for you.

you made a very good move.

leave him there. he may wake up becaue of your leave. you are helping him.

you cant help him if you stay. i am sure he will go and find you again. stay as calm as you can and make it clearly to him that you don't want to be a man that has no control of himself. ask him not to see you until he get himself clean. no matter what he says, repeat this two lines, be emotionless in front of him.

there are two voices inside you, must be. one may tell you to have one more try, forgive him, love is acceptance.. no, we should love ourselves first so we know how to love others in the way we love ourselves.

the other voice is now seem stronger which is good. remember, you will die with him if you stay with him. you will get a life and maybe he will if you leave.

keep your mind always clear. all the best.

Barracudaincork

opagain wrote: »

thank you everyone for having the time to read and reply to this.

I left his house, packed all my stuff and came home to an empty house which was hard, but eventually i fell asleep and my brother looked after me.
I've got an appointment with my doctor today and ill go and get my number changed tomorrow.

thank you all so much.

I have to say the bravery you show at 19 is outstanding! You rock!