Alcoholic Father

missdaisy

I am a girl in my twenties. My father has been a chronic alcoholic all my life. The situation has become even more complicated recently.

He has never been able to hold down a job and is in denial over the fact that this is due to his alcoholism. He has concocted a story about suffering from anxiety to go on disability. This is now his source of income. However, his doctor has also put him on perscription meds obviously to deal with his elevated anxiety. However, he is now home all day long, watching tv and planning his regular drinking binges. These binges are not only highly dangerous for him, considering he is on strong medication but he also drags the whole family into stressful and embarrassing situations, ie collecting him from garda stations and hospitals. Having the doorbell ring at 3 in the morning when everyone is trying to sleep and has a full day or work the next day. He stays up all night playing loud music and becomes aggressive when we try and move him. This week he went out told no one where he was going and collapsed in the street outside the garda station at 6am. My mother got the phonecall.

We live in a small town and this can be really difficult for the whole family knowing that no matter how hard we work people will still look down on us. My mother works extremely hard and supports him financially. He has been violent towards her in the past when I was growing up. When I became an adult I took him to court over this to make sure he never hurt her again. It was really hard but I managed to get a safety order from the court for my mother.

I find it very difficult to be kind and understanding to him even though I know he is an addict. This comes out in little ways, remarks I make to him, that sometimes I feel I can't help. I feel like I was cheated out of a real father and then I am wracked with guilt for feeling this way because I know he is sick.

My fear right now is that he will die in the next few months from mixing the medication with alcohol. I think my mother is too emotionally weak to take the drastic steps necessary to change this. I have this on my shoulders because I am the eldest and her source of strength at times. I want to do something to prevent this I just don't know what to do, I don't know how.

We could get a barring order because of the effect he has on the house and this might force him to hit rock bottom but also where would he go and would he survive. His own family are cold and unsupportive.

If anyone can offer some advice I would really appreciate it

LegacyUser

Hey sorry to hear you're having such a hard time of it. Firstly you need to stop worrying about what people in a small town think. Why would they look down their nose at you or your mother, are you an addict, have you hurt people, been in trouble with the law? No so they have no reason to look down their nose at you. Having said that people will talk and judge, why because they've nothing better to do. Your dad is an alcoholic people know it you need to accept that and not let it bother you as it's not important. Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do to help your dad especially as he is completely in denial. You are not responsible for him, you didn't cause his alcoholism and you can't cure it. You say a lot of responsibility falls back on you because your the eldest, how old are your siblings? Do they need you to look after them? Surely your mam can do this. What you can do to change the situation is start looking after yourself, why don't you move out of the house, you should also see about going to an Alanon meeting.

Shayman

Hi Miss Daisy,

So sorry to hear about your problem. As suggested above it may be good for you to go to Al Anon. You (or anyone else) cannot fix this without your Dad first accepting he has a problem but at least you can get some support from Al Anon. Sometimes tough love is required and it can be a slow and painful process. I didn't accept I had a problem until I was abandoned by absolutely everyone I loved - siblings, my wife, friends. I resented them for this and still do a bit if I'm honest but if they hadn't done so I'd still be out there I'd say. Your first priority now is to look after yourself and then your siblings if they aren't old enough to fend for themselves.

LegacyUser

Shayman wrote: »

Hi Miss Daisy,

So sorry to hear about your problem. As suggested above it may be good for you to go to Al Anon. You (or anyone else) cannot fix this without your Dad first accepting he has a problem but at least you can get some support from Al Anon. Sometimes tough love is required and it can be a slow and painful process. I didn't accept I had a problem until I was abandoned by absolutely everyone I loved - siblings, my wife, friends. I resented them for this and still do a bit if I'm honest but if they hadn't done so I'd still be out there I'd say. Your first priority now is to look after yourself and then your siblings if they aren't old enough to fend for themselves.

Shayman,

First of all well done on getting help. I don't think it's fair though or helpful to the OP to say you still resent your family for abandoning you as you said yourself if they hadn't of you wouldn't have accepted your problem. Like the family of alcoholics don't understand what it's like to be an alcoholic the alcoholics don't understand what they put their family true so I think that statement is really unfair.

S23

I really am afraid there is nothing you can do regarding your fathers behaviour. Its the old cliche and all but unless a person acknowledges the fact they have a problem and decides they want to change then theres nothing to be done. You can't MAKE anyone stop drinking.

It is a terrible situation I'm sure. Unfortunately it sounds like your mother will never leave this man despite the fact of all he puts her through. If shes been willing to put up with him and still is then theres no reason for him to think he can't get away with this behaviour.

I had a similiar situation with my own. He was/is a serious alcoholic. Fortunately for me I am an only child so I didn't have siblings to worry about and I got the fcuk out of dodge as soon as I could. I don't have much of a relationship with him now. If and when I see him its for a very short period of time and I refuse to meet him if he's had any alcohol.
Its not ideal and in some ways I guess it is kind of sad but thats the reality of the situation. Thats the only type of relationship we can maintain. Or should I say the only kind I am willing to maintain. I could see him more often but that would involve putting up with his binges and mood swings and aggressive behaviour when he's drinking and, since I can do nothing to change this, I'm not willing to waste my time on that.

I did/do worry about him because he mixes heavy drinking with taking medication for anxiety as well. One of these days he may well just keel over. However, if it helps ease your nerves I should tell you he hasn't done yet and he's been at it a long time. He drinks excessively, takes medications that are to be taken strictly without alcohol, is overweight, eats nothing but rubbish and doesn't exercise and he's still here. One day it will all catch up with him no doubt.
I would guess the same will apply to your father. The drinking and the medication will catch up with him one day but while you are worried its likely to happen straight away its, judging on my own experience, not too likely.

You needn't bother wasting your energy getting bitter about being 'robbed of a real father'. Nobody is entitled to anything. You just play the hand you are dealt. Some people get the perfect Hollywood style model mother and father and it ranges all the way down to the other end of the spectrum where some people get abused by their parents. If you think you were entitled to more then you will only end up making yourself bitter.
You have a wonderful mother and siblings you obviously care for and its a hell of a lot more than a lot of people ever get. So while I understand your frustration with your father don't forget you are also lucky in some repsects.

I don't know what other advice I can give you. I don't know how old your other siblings are. I don't know if any of your are in a position to move out and get on with your lives. I don't know if your mother is willing to stick this man out on his arse (I suspect shes not). From where I am standing, until something changes drastically for your father then he has no need to adjust his behaviour.
His kids moving out and his wife kicking him out and both of them telling him its because they cannot stand his ridiculous, selfish and emotionally abusive behaviour might wake him up a little. Then again it might not.

niceoneted

I feel for you so much. I know someone close who is in a similar situation.
What I cannot understand is that a doctor is signing someone off with anxiety so as they can claim disability. What the doctor should be doing here is encouraging your dad to get treatment and sign him in to a treatment centre.
I wonder is there any chance of talking to the guards. Perhaps if your dad was charged with one of the drunkenness offenses and brought before the courts could a judge make an order for him to go into treatment - if it is emphasised that he has a chronic problem.
Concur with other posters re al-anon.
Best of luck.

Taltos

Hi OP.

kind of know where you are coming from here. My mum is also an alcoholic but has been dry now for 10 yrs.

Besides Alanon I have a few suggestions - not sure if they will work - but you never know.
1. When you get called to pick him up. Politely refuse.
2. When the hospital rings - refuse, "we are not capable of caring for him at this time".
3. When the Gardai call - refuse. They can hold / charge.

He needs to see that the family have had enough. The damage is there and there is NO-ONE to support or molly-coddle him anymore.

We were lucky - we did not have to go to court.
But we did talk to our Mums GP and get advice on sectioning her.
We then brought her with us to her GP and started the proceedings there and then...
The shock, the humiliation, the realisation of what she had done to us all had such an effect that with medical support she went dry. She has not looked back.
On a separate note - I made a promise to myself - the day she drinks (as she has made a promise to herself that when she reaches a certain age she will) - that is the day I lose my mother. Personally I will not put myself or my family through that hell again. At this stage I have done all I can and now I am taking responsibility for the one life I can control (to an extent) - my own.

Your fear over the effect of mixing the meds - well this is not an invalid one- but remember. It is his choice to mix drink with drugs. His choice.

Nevyn

What you can do is get help for you and your Mam and the rest of the family.
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/alanon.htm

Shayman

confusedmuch wrote: »

Shayman,

First of all well done on getting help. I don't think it's fair though or helpful to the OP to say you still resent your family for abandoning you as you said yourself if they hadn't of you wouldn't have accepted your problem. Like the family of alcoholics don't understand what it's like to be an alcoholic the alcoholics don't understand what they put their family true so I think that statement is really unfair.

I don't want to go off topic here but feel I should reply. It may not be fair and I know deep down it isn't fair but I merely expressed how I feel. I know that I probably wouldn't have sorted myself out had I not been ditched by everyone but it hurt very badly at the time and still does. I can't help how I feel and, who knows, maybe one day they'll speak to me again and those feelings will evaporate? As I said above, I didn't want to divert from the OP's problem and would have PMd you this response but you are anonymous.

LegacyUser

Shayman wrote: »

I don't want to go off topic here but feel I should reply. It may not be fair and I know deep down it isn't fair but I merely expressed how I feel. I know that I probably wouldn't have sorted myself out had I not been ditched by everyone but it hurt very badly at the time and still does. I can't help how I feel and, who knows, maybe one day they'll speak to me again and those feelings will evaporate? As I said above, I didn't want to divert from the OP's problem and would have PMd you this response but you are anonymous.

Yes but the OP needs to get away from her father and not feel guilty about it which families of alcoholics often do as alcoholics know how to play on our emotions, through no fault of their own maybe. Telling her that you resent your family because they up and left you is not what she needs to hear right now. She has every right to move out and move on with her life without feeling guilty for not spending her life looking after someone she cannot help. You say your family hurt you very badly yet i'm sure them seeing you drinking every day hurt them no end.

Shayman

confusedmuch wrote: »

Yes but the OP needs to get away from her father and not feel guilty about it which families of alcoholics often do as alcoholics know how to play on our emotions, through no fault of their own maybe. Telling her that you resent your family because they up and left you is not what she needs to hear right now. She has every right to move out and move on with her life without feeling guilty for not spending her life looking after someone she cannot help. You say your family hurt you very badly yet i'm sure them seeing you drinking every day hurt them no end.

And again what I said. I first of all, if you read my post, said that the OP should seek help and that tough love may be required. I then went on on that if she did do the tough love thing, he may resent her. As I did with my siblings but that in the long run it wa what I needed and so, apparantley does this man. I'm saying clearly that Yes the OP needs to look afterherself and then her family. Her father can't be helped until he admits to himself he has a problem.

confusedmuch, I'm sad that you have chosen to use this person's post to get pedantic with me. You could have logged in and PM'd me if you wanted to have a pop without derailing the OPs important post!

LegacyUser

Shayman wrote: »

And again what I said. I first of all, if you read my post, said that the OP should seek help and that tough love may be required. I then went on on that if she did do the tough love thing, he may resent her. As I did with my siblings but that in the long run it wa what I needed and so, apparantley does this man. I'm saying clearly that Yes the OP needs to look afterherself and then her family. Her father can't be helped until he admits to himself he has a problem.

confusedmuch, I'm sad that you have chosen to use this person's post to get pedantic with me. You could have logged in and PM'd me if you wanted to have a pop without derailing the OPs important post!

Stop manipulating my words. I have not derailed the OPs post. I am trying to help her. You can't say oh well you need tough love and accept your family have done the tough love thing with you and then say you resent them for that, that is a complete contradiction and is extremely selfish. OP you do need to take the tough love approach and move on with your life and your father does not have the right to make you feel guilty for this, you are not his parent or his carer. He should be greatful that you've stuck by him for so many years. You are a young woman OP and have your whole life to live and should be free to enjoy it x

Nevyn

Stop the on thread bickering it's not helpful.
and by the way mod can check the unreg posts if we think someone is abusing the system
and people have been banned for doing so.

LegacyUser

OP - Do what you need to, you've nothing to feel guilty about. An alcoholic will always play on your emotions and try and make you feel guilty, the world is out to get me etc, that's why you need to be strong and rise above it.

bycikas

S23 wrote: »

I really am afraid there is nothing you can do regarding your fathers behaviour.

I would disagree with that. I know how the ladie feels, had same/simmilar situation in the family.

If you are financially stable (have some money) you could get him to the clinics.. Not sure about irish law and if there are any clinics that may help him in Ireland. Our family got my father into private clinic in Saint Petersburg (Russian Federation) by force actually.. They kept him there for almost 2 months. Those clinics are hi-security clinics and may be bit violent (folks obviously may become extremely violent when they dont get the alcohol or drugs) but it did help and the father didnt drunk for nearly 8 months now.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to do research on possibilities as such? Good luck in this hard journey...

LegacyUser

bycikas wrote: »

I would disagree with that. I know how the ladie feels, had same/simmilar situation in the family.

If you are financially stable (have some money) you could get him to the clinics.. Not sure about irish law and if there are any clinics that may help him in Ireland. Our family got my father into private clinic in Saint Petersburg (Russian Federation) by force actually.. They kept him there for almost 2 months. Those clinics are hi-security clinics and may be bit violent (folks obviously may become extremely violent when they dont get the alcohol or drugs) but it did help and the father didnt drunk for nearly 8 months now.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to do research on possibilities as such? Good luck in this hard journey...

It's very hard to get someone put into a clinic in Ireland against their will, unless they have alcohol induced dementia or something.

Taltos

bycikas wrote: »

I would disagree with that. I know how the ladie feels, had same/simmilar situation in the family.

If you are financially stable (have some money) you could get him to the clinics.. Not sure about irish law and if there are any clinics that may help him in Ireland. Our family got my father into private clinic in Saint Petersburg (Russian Federation) by force actually.. They kept him there for almost 2 months. Those clinics are hi-security clinics and may be bit violent (folks obviously may become extremely violent when they dont get the alcohol or drugs) but it did help and the father didnt drunk for nearly 8 months now.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to do research on possibilities as such? Good luck in this hard journey...

The only thing with this is there is nothing to stop the addict from reoffending when they are out. They need themselves to want to stop - nothing we can do will make that change - well nothing we say - only our actions....

eg You are being sectioned / etc or You are a pariah and are now an unknown to this family - best of luck with your life...

Actions do speak louder than words and in this case having also gone through this you have to be ruthless. Balancing the guilt is a different story - but either it works or it does not - if it does not then that person for better or worse is removed from your life and you have to try and rebuild without their poison pulling you down.

bycikas

Taltos wrote: »

The only thing with this is there is nothing to stop the addict from reoffending when they are out. They need themselves to want to stop - nothing we can do will make that change - well nothing we say - only our actions....

Most of the addicts just get used to it and most important thing is to give them a break and then get them back to proper life.. You wont do that if they are drunk EVERY DAY, but with proper supervision they get their minds clear, then they can be showed how bad things are and how much pain it does to others etc.

Of course, if the person doesn't care, then they will continue the very same thing after their out.. But it's same as with serious offenders behind bars - the ones that have never been worked with are at higher risk to re-offend then the ones that been worked with and have received support/help.

am i bovvered

missdaisy wrote: »

We live in a small town and this can be really difficult for the whole family knowing that no matter how hard we work people will still look down on us.

Hi OP really sorry for you troubles, it has to be said please do not stress about what other people think, this problem touches many families, some just hide it more,
Good luck