How do I confront my GF?

jonestown

My relationship with my gf is ideal barring the sex. Tbh, it wasn't bad at first (probably because it was new) but in a short amount of time it became boring and predictable and with every suggestion of trying something new I would get a negative reply. When trying something new in bed I would be told to stop or slow down or don't do that.

She is quite conservative when it comes to sex, she told me she 'never really' masturbated and to my embarrassment I've never made her come, in saying that I don't think she ever has.

Now I've completely just given up on sex with her and so far we've gone without it for about 2 months. At first explained why I wasn't 'putting out' to her and it really upset her and she stormed off refusing to talk about it. She has tried to seduce me a few times since but I've actually lost interest and probably wouldn't be even able to perform even if i tried and we just have these short arguments where I can't get her to understand why I've lost interest.

Anyways, I truly love this girl but I can't live like this, it's eating me up inside. How can I get her to sit down and discuss this like rational adults?
I don't think it's too big an ask to want to spice up our sex-life, and before you ask, I'm not some weird fetishist that's making undue demands on a poor girl.

StillWaters

So have you imposed a sex ban unless she agrees to spice things up?

You want her to feel sexy, free, confident and adventurous in the bedroom, and until she does so, you refuse her when she tries to seduce you. How old are you?

jonestown

StillWaters wrote: »

So have you imposed a sex ban unless she agrees to spice things up?

You want her to feel sexy, free, confident and adventurous in the bedroom, and until she does so, you refuse her when she tries to seduce you. How old are you?

I'm 27. The thing is it's more complicated than what I've previously typed. I've tried that. In the past i've done those things, i regularly cooked meals, had wine, candles and baths. I've bought books, toys, lubricants etc.

She won't let me perform oral sex on her either and the number of postions we try are limited by her.

I think the fact that I've never satisfied her has probably shattered my own confidence and I've had trouble maintaining my erection.

JonathanAnon

jonestown wrote: »

She won't let me perform oral sex on her either and the number of postions we try are limited by her.

Is she particularly religious or prudish?

jonestown

JonathanAnon wrote: »

Is she particularly religious or prudish?

She's not religious at all.

krudler

StillWaters wrote: »

So have you imposed a sex ban unless she agrees to spice things up?

You want her to feel sexy, free, confident and adventurous in the bedroom, and until she does so, you refuse her when she tries to seduce you. How old are you?

If the op was a woman with the same issue with a boyfriend would you be saying the same thing?

Barracudaincork

OP there is nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your sex life, just as much as there is nothing wrong with her not wanting too, the only thing thats wrong IMO is that the two of you are together. Your not sexually compatable and sex is a big part of being in a couple, regardless of how spicy it is or not, its one of the things that seperates our partners from our friends.

As you are no longer feeling as attracted to her, do you think you can get it back to finding yourself attracted to her if she agreed to spice things up? In other words would a talk to her save this relationship or has your feelings gone too far?

StillWaters

krudler wrote: »

If the op was a woman with the same issue with a boyfriend would you be saying the same thing?

Yes
With-holding sex as some sort of bargaining tool is really unhealthy regardless of gender.


It may be they are sexually incompatible, but it maybe also that the gf is simply lacking confidence or experience.

jonestown

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP there is nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your sex life, just as much as there is nothing wrong with her not wanting too, the only thing thats wrong IMO is that the two of you are together. Your not sexually compatable and sex is a big part of being in a couple, regardless of how spicy it is or not, its one of the things that seperates our partners from our friends.

As you are no longer feeling as attracted to her, do you think you can get it back to finding yourself attracted to her if she agreed to spice things up? In other words would a talk to her save this relationship or has your feelings gone too far?

Well I'm finding it hard to live under the same roof as her and live this sham lifestyle pretending that nothing is wrong. It's on my mind 24hrs of the day and is eating me up inside. I can't talk to any of my friends about this as they are all 'lads' so i came on here for advice on how to actually get my gf to sit down and discuss where things are going wrong. Anytime I bring it up, it unsettles her, she starts crying and usually walks into the other room.

We are soooo compatible in every other aspect of our relationship but I feel if the spark isn't there in the bedroom it can't go on much longer.

How can I discuss this with her?

Barracudaincork

StillWaters wrote: »

I'm fairly lost for words. Your gf is lacking confidence (and probably experience) in the bedroom, and you are buying lube and toys!

That is not what good lovemaking is about. Its about two people getting totally comfortable and confident with each other, in and out of the bedroom. I suppose it depends, how long did you allow your sex life to evolve naturally, whilst this was happening, did you make her feel safe, sexy and loved?

"I've tried that"
You've tried what....its really not about meals, candles, baths and wine, and I never suggested that.

It could very well be that you are not sexually compatible, but I can feel the pressure the girl is under just from reading your posts, God knows how she is feeling.

Making someone feel safe, sexy and loved is making them meals, candles, baths and wine (as well as other stuff obviously), so he did try to make her feel all those things.

Also just because someone buys some toys and lube doesnt mean the person they are trying to undermine someones confidence etc It is perfectly normal in relationships for this to happen and its often advice given to spice things up.

She also has to take some responsibilty for her sex life and she doesnt appear to want to talk about it, i can feel the pressure he is under just from reading his posts, god knows how he is feeling.

jonestown

StillWaters wrote: »

Yes
With-holding sex as some sort of bargaining tool is really unhealthy regardless of gender.

tbh it started off because it was always me who instigated sex. to see if she wanted it i'd withold until she tried to seduce me...that took about a wk, she asked how come we haven't had sex in a while and i then told her how i felt. she cried, i apologised.

StillWaters wrote: »

It may be they are sexually incompatible, but it maybe also that the gf is simply lacking confidence or experience.

We probably are sexually incompatible, but know relationship is perfect. If any other facet of a relationship wasn't working you'd try and fix it. I have to try.

Barracudaincork

jonestown wrote: »

How can I discuss this with her?

Well you cant make her talk however you should tell her either face to face if you think she will listen or via text, that, you want to talk to her about this issue and you want to talk to her about it like adults, no tears, no tantrums, if she cant talk to you like an adult or at least try to, then there is your answer.

As adults we all face things in life we would rather we didnt have to and sometimes we have to have conversations about stuff that upset us or make us feel like cr*p and we dont want to have them, but we are adults and therefore should act like so. Her not even willing to talk about it isnt acting like an adult.

StillWaters

jonestown wrote: »

We probably are sexually incompatible, but know relationship is perfect. If any other facet of a relationship wasn't working you'd try and fix it. I have to try.

My first thought was a lack of experience on her part, but you know her, if it is sexual incompatibility, that can be the hardest facet to fix.

Barracuda, you caught me before I edited, as I had second thoughts, was too harsh on OP.

jonestown

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Well you cant make her talk however you should tell her either face to face if you think she will listen or via text, that, you want to talk to her about this issue and you want to talk to her about it like adults, no tears, no tantrums, if she cant talk to you like an adult or at least try to, then there is your answer.

As adults we all face things in life we would rather we didnt have to and sometimes we have to have conversations about stuff that upset us or make us feel like cr*p and we dont want to have them, but we are adults and therefore should act like so. Her not even willing to talk about it isnt acting like an adult.

Thanks for the solid advice. Well I'm living with her and sleeping in the same bed so we have plenty of opportunities to talk. I think I'll just say it to her straight, tomorrow after work.
PS, we had a fight earlier tonight after I brought up the issue and she went to bed early, early like 8.30. It started by her asking what do you wanna do tonight, i said let's watch a movie. She said we should 'fool around' and I thought I'd be honest and told her "ok it's been 2 months since we've had sex and you want to go to bed with me and not want to know why that is?"
I can't lie anymore.

Barracudaincork

jonestown wrote: »

Thanks for the solid advice. Well I'm living with her and sleeping in the same bed so we have plenty of opportunities to talk. I think I'll just say it to her straight, tomorrow after work.
PS, we had a fight earlier tonight after I brought up the issue and she went to bed early, early like 8.30. It started by her asking what do you wanna do tonight, i said let's watch a movie. She said we should 'fool around' and I thought I'd be honest and told her "ok it's been 2 months since we've had sex and you want to go to bed with me and not want to know why that is?"
I can't lie anymore.

Fair enough dont lie, but be nice too Your response wasnt exactly compassionate and you may need to brush up on your tact skills before tomorrow evening

jonestown

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Fair enough dont lie, but be nice too Your response wasnt exactly compassionate and you may need to brush up on your tact skills before tomorrow evening

I know, it's just been bottling now for too long and i just blurted it out. Thanks mate, it's good to have someone to talk to and cheers for the advice.

encore1

what about couples therapy? if shes that uncomfortable even talking about it there may be some underlying issues there. even if there aren't, it seems that you're having a hard time talking to her and she's having a hard time listening and thats exactly what couples therapists are for....:D

ilovetosing

sry OP but fook that! Couples therapy and the likes is a waste of time - If she doesn't like giving head say or diff positions or whatever no one is gonna convince her otherwise! I could never enjoy doing anything my GF didn't like. Sex is a fundamental part of every relationship. You shouldn't have to be feeling the way you are. I dont think its a ban that you have opposed but more of a sexual barrier that your GF has imposed on you by shooting down your ideas and your willingness to be open minded and want to better your sexual relationship.

Personally for me if I am with someone and there is no compatibility in bed and any efforts to change it or spice it up are shot down then its a deal breaker for me!

As Krudler said... if it was a girl in your position the argument and points would be exactly the same!

IMO mate you need to think hard about it! if its not going to change then no matter how good you think the relationship is, it might never be what you want and that's just not a good enough reason to continue being unhappy. Relationships are supposed to flow with ease for the most part and sex like I said is a bigger part in one than a lot of people think and anyone who says otherwise is Naive imo!

I hope you don't think Im being blunt and I understand that you love her and its all good mate, but down the line if that doesn't change.........It wont be all good!

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

That is just pants. It must be horrible to love someone and live with them and have such a disappointing sex life. I think that you're right about having a talk with her tonight, however, I think the last thing you should do is "confront" her. It might be that she is exceptionally shy regarding sex and the last thing that will help with that is being confronted.

Back in the day, at the start of my sexual life I hated oral, giving or receiving, because it was so mortifying to me. I've been sexually active for years now and I love it but that came with building my sexual confidence, I've never had someone apply pressure on me and to be honest I'd say if I was "confronted" about my lack of sexual confidence it would have been the last thing other person would have said to me. I'm telling you this so that you see this isn't a time when you can say "look here sweetheart, the sex is crap and you better do something about it", don't put this at her door and put "blame" on her, it will just make the problem even bigger.

When you're having the talk with her use, "we" statements not "you" statements, i.e. "I think we need to work on our sex life" and NOT "you need to work on our sex life". She might be shy or selfconscience, this really isn't something you can make demands on, other than demanding that you discuss it. Just go gentle on her, you don't know how she's feeling but after what you said to her the other night I'd imagine she's feeling pretty humiliated and **** about herself. If you really love her, go gentle and try to figure it out together. If she is still unwilling to discuss it at all then you might need to re evaluate the relationship.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I have been with different women and they all seem to like most things but some want different things, as in , they all like oral and intercourse, some want some stuff more than others, some let you go certain places, some don't.

One girl used not let me go near her ass.... another wanted me to go there. I don't think the first one would ever have changed, the other was always into trying anything...

The more I've become confident (because 10 years ago I was very shy in bed), the more I like to do and try and I don't think I could ever go out with someone now who wouldn't.

I think that it's hard to change sexually with the same person - as in, she might grow to enjoy it over the years but it might have to be with other people. I'm not sure why that is but I think it's hard for some people to go from being let's say prudish (don't like that word) to being very adventurous with someone you haven't been like that with before.

She may feel that too perhaps.... as in , she might think "I;d like to give it a go maybe...... but X sees me as a prude and he might be shocked" - it's like maybe being a shy person and heading travelling and when you travel you can reinvent yourself - they'll always be seen as shy to some people and they will return to being shy when around those people but can be totally different with new people.

I remember a girl friend once asked me about my fantasies and what I wanted to do ( in bed) - they were all in my head and I didn't want to sound like a pervert (that's what I thought back then) so just brushed off the question.

Is there an element of that to it - she thinks that she'll be thought of as a perv if she open up?

Alternatively, she;s just not into it and you aren't compatible.

seenitall

bbccbbcb

"I think that it's hard to change sexually with the same person"

Spot on, from my experience.

MsHolloway

OP, my heart goes out to you because chemistry is a funny, funny thing. There's different types.

You can meet someone and think "jesus I can really feel the sparks here", you can laugh and joke, talk about serious issues, love the same things, enjoy comfy silences together, imagine ripping their clothes off and enjoying brilliant sex.... and then you get into bed with each other and it just doesn't work.

Quite simply OP, you and your gf don't seem to be sexually compatible, though not that you needed me to tell you that.
Neither of you are in the wrong here, its no ones fault. You just don't seem to be a match - in the bedroom anyway.

So, how do you "fix" it? Can it be "fixed"?

For this to work will need massive compromises on either side (though relationships are all about compromises anyway)

The truth is, you could go on and meet someone with who this isn't a problem at all - someone who is more compatible with you sexually.

How hard are both of you willing to work on the issue - how much are each willing to compromise on to make the other relatively happy.

Best of luck, op

Taltos

Here's the thing though - how honest are you going to be?
And to what point would you be happy if she was willing to change?

I am just wondering if part of your frustration is caused by her inability to hold an adult conversation on this topic - I mean if she cannot talk about it how could she be expected to even try anything?

Another big concern I have is that the longer your relationship continues in this frame the more likely you are both going to fall into "friendship" with each other - without the spark and with the frustration that must be building...

This is a tricky one though. Who's preferences take priority?
Do you respect her wish to be a cold fish?
Or does she respect your wish to experiment? - maybe set boundaries but agree to discuss these at an agreed later date. As you mentioned she has never masturbated - so maybe see if she is willing to join in with you and vice-versa...

However, if you really really are incompatible and this is not just down to confidence then maybe it is time to make that call. Not an ultimatum - as I always think that when you bring in an ultimatum the relationship is over - it is just the excuse to end it later by making the other person responsible.

LegacyUser

I read this chap’s original post & just thought ‘I’ve so been there’.

You’re not doing anything wrong, and in fact nor is she. I say this because I have had similar trouble in the past. A girl I went out with for 9 years had the same trouble. I loved her like crazy & the love was going in both directions. We lost our virginity to each other and although it was not great it was special as we were each other’s first. But 3 years in she told me she no longer fancied me and that hurt like crazy but we were apart for maybe 6-8 months. When we were together, she never climaxed but while we were apart she was with one person and did not climax with him either, in fact the experience was worse that her & me.

Long story short, after getting back together I was less demanding on her and there seemed to be a lot more trust and general ease in the relationship. The physical side became a lot more fun and although she always satisfied me, one day about 6 years into her & I she climaxed. It was completely down to her relaxing, letting her inhibitions down and realizing she was not being asked to do something ‘dirty’ but she was being intimate with someone who really loved her. I know you don’t want to wait 6 years, but if you make each other at ease, talk and listen to each other, things will improve. Blanking each other, storming off to bed and fighting is no help. Perhaps telling each other how ye both really feel is a start.

That girl & I did not work out but there were other reasons for that, but before the relationship went wrong, we were totally at home with the physical side of things. All I will say to you is the way you are both behaving now won’t get you anywhere, but talking, being intimate and trusting each other will. I’m not an expert far from it, but from my experience once both people are comfortable and feel everything is ‘natural’ then things will be just fine.

Best of luck!

jonestown

Hey all, when i went to bed last night & i realised my gf wasn't in bed and actually slept in the spare room. In the morning when i woke up i noticed all her clothes had been moved from our room to the spare room.

Today though, we did have a civilised chat, a few tears were shed...mainly by me, but we discussed the things we need to work on. It feels so much better to have it out in the open and talk about it.

Thanks so much to everyone who contributed in helping me through this. What we done today compared to the work that has to be done from now on was probably easy but it has laid foundations on which to do something to save our relationship.