Boyfriend / fiance trouble !!! - Let me know your views

lindab18181

Hi,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. I’m 28. I am actually quite shy, and have always thought myself quite lucky to get the man I did.
He’s a solicitor, plays football and that and is well known, which may be part of the problem.
I’ve gone out with 2 guys before him. I am from the country but went to live in Dublin to go to Uni.
Went with a guy for 6 months after Uni when I was 22, had unprotected sex using withdrawal method with him for first time after 5 months, and a couple of times after that before he left me.
Then had 3 one night stands when I was drunk trying to get over the guy that left me
Never had sex with them the next morning or that. Was really disappointed with myself for having sex, but those guys although I met them afterwards, were not interested in me after this, maybe one or two of them did come over to me at 2am in a disco after exhausting all other avenues
Then met another guy when I was 25, went with him for 6 months on and off, and did it with him after 4 months.
I did sleep – sleep as in sleep with a few other fellas too – but I did think it was normal to go back to bed with guys your with in a disco. Not to have sex. But 3 of them did get out of hand. All in I’ve probably been in bed with 15 fellas.

Most recent boyfriend, did it with him after 3 months, but tried to do things right with him. Make him wait before getting into my bed… etc… but he cant believe that he had to wait 3 months
I now know that firstly I shouldn’t have done those things, and then I shouldn’t have told him I did. Big mistake – he cant get over this…

I should have been smarter and more sensible, but my boyfriend can’t get over that I did this stuff. He did think I wouldn’t have done this for 3 years until I told him, and I wouldn’t have wanted to.
He is comparing me to other girls in his locality who have never left home, or have gone out with guys for long periods of time. I agree that in the discos I go to with him that there are few girls who disappear with guys the night they meet them or shortly afterwards, but Dublin is different than a small country town, isn’t it.

If it was in this town, and everyone knew what I did I would definitely be regarded as a slapper. I’m at my wits end.
He doesn’t want other guys potentially looking at him in a disco if we were to get married, saying to themselves I shagged your girlfriend which could happen.

Any advice? Is what I’ve done normal? Or should he be the one who should be apologising over the way he is about this?, but I do see his point too

Thanks

KillerKity

Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a tool to be honest! Don't for one minute feel bad or in the slightest bit quilty for your past! You did nothing wrong! Did you cheat on him? No. You were young and had a life. You're not a slapper and how dare he judge you! Maybe you should question him about his past and pass judgement on what he got up to! Bet he's no virgin. He wasn't a part of your past and if he wants to be in your future he'd want to cop on and stop being so childish

Limerickgal82

I think he is over reacting to be honest. He has no right to be judgmental about your past. He loves you for you not for what you have done. As the other poster stated you did not cheat on him or do any harm to him. You need to have a serious conversation with him in regards to this. Do you want to be married to a guy who has no respect for you ?! Good Luck xx

ultra noir

i agree with the previous posts. you have invested 3 honest years with this man. the past is the past regardless. he shouldnt treat you like you have committed a crime.

you just have to talk about it. explain why you felt you had to do these things, what was going on at the time. be honest.

if he continues to freeze you out, i would take a break and hope he see's what a dope he's being.

I think it is a good sign that he can tell you that feels like this. However unreasonable it seems.
Ultimately if he genuinely loves you, he'll realise that being with you now is more important than differences in your histories.

Panthro

let em off.
everyone has a past, is he some sort of saint or something.
he shouldnt be too bothered what other people think, the only opinion that should matter to him is yours.

(manly advice)

Novella

So, you were honest with this guy about your sexual history and now he's angry? Nice. You are not your past, you are what and who you are now. Whether you've slept with five hundred guys before him, fifty, five etc., I think what matters now is how you treat him.

You think you shouldn't have waited until the three month mark with him to sleep with him, why not? Just because you've slept with other men the first time you've met them? That's silly! You should always wait until you are ready and comfortable to sleep with someone, regardless of your behaviour in the past.

He thinks you'd be regarded as a 'slapper' in his locality, why? Because all the other girls haven't been with a number of men? Yeah, right! I'm sure they have. Discretion is the key. I doubt everyone in your locality knows how many people you've slept with either, and I doubt you are regarded lowly because of sexual exploits by anyone else.

I say, fair play to you for being honest with this guy and if he can't accept you for who you are and for the choices you've made in your past, fine. You deserve to be with someone who likes you no matter what. Don't go pinning all of this on yourself 'cause as far as I can see, you've done nothing wrong.

Hope things work out for you, OP.

G86

You're not a slapper!!!

Jebus in my opinion this guy should feel pretty damn good about himself that you wanted to wait that long, it obviously means you care alot about him and wanted to make sure it lasted. As for what you did before him - that has nothing to do with him at all!!

Als76

he will have to get over it because its none of his business the past is what it is. What his past or who cares for the same above reason

3 months is a bit long regardless if you were saint or slapper

Boston

You sound like someone whose completely unable to take responsibility for your own sexual choices. "Da disco" didn't make you have sex with 15 men. Your own desires did. You kept you sexual history a secret from him for 3 years, that requires a serious level of deceit, pretending you where something you're not.

KillerKity wrote: »

Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a tool to be honest! Don't for one minute feel bad or in the slightest bit quilty for your past! You did nothing wrong! Did you cheat on him? No. You were young and had a life. You're not a slapper and how dare he judge you! Maybe you should question him about his past and pass judgement on what he got up to! Bet he's no virgin. He wasn't a part of your past and if he wants to be in your future he'd want to cop on and stop being so childish

He has every right to judge whether or not shes a suitable partner, they're in a relationship. Maybe she should question his sexual past? Maybe everyone should ask those questions before having sex with someone new?

G86 wrote: »

You're not a slapper!!!

Jebus in my opinion this guy should feel pretty damn good about himself that you wanted to wait that long, it obviously means you care alot about him and wanted to make sure it lasted. As for what you did before him - that has nothing to do with him at all!!

That or she read in one of magazines that you have to keep your man waiting?

G86

Boston wrote: »

That or she read in one of magazines that you have to keep your man waiting?

When she was younger she hooked up with a few guys, she wasn't with him then, so it has nothing at all to do with him!

It seems to me that she had done the single thing and had her fun, then she met this guy and liked him enough to want more than that.

Boston

G86 wrote: »

When she was younger she hooked up with a few guys, she wasn't with him then, so it has nothing at all to do with him!

Really? Previous sexual exploits have nothing to do with current partners? Leaving a side the obvious flaw with that, despite hoping to the contrary, the past is part of who we all are.

G86

Boston wrote: »

Really? Previous sexual exploits have nothing to do with current partners? Leaving a side the obvious flaw with that, despite hoping to the contrary, the past is part of who we all are.

Well no, they haven't, not in my opinion. As long as you're not putting the other person health at risk then they have no right to judge you based on your previous sexual history - you didn't know them then and therefore it has nothing to do with them. Seems pretty clear cut in my eyes really.

deelite

Sorry but I think your fiance is getting cold feet and this could be a way out of getting married for him.

Boston

You're taking away the other persons right to make an informed decision. People turn down prospective partners for all kinds of silly reasons. Age, profession, hair colour, taste in music, ect . Sexual history seems to be a pretty valid reason when you put it up there with them. Fair enough if you don't think it matters but if the other person does, and you spend 3 years hiding it from them, then I think they're justified in breaking up with you since you started out under false pretences.

dlofnep

You waited 3 years to tell him your sexual history. Maybe that's why he's upset.

Like it or not - men don't like the idea of their girl being with other men. It's an old school, alpha-male, feeling that's ingrained in us. The amount of guys a girl has slept can very well be a decider.

When a man looks at a woman for marriage material - it's important to him that she's known around the town for being an easy ride. That's the truth.

SheRa

Is your other half your boyfriend or fiance? The fact that you call him both in the thread title suggests that you aren't sure.

What deelite said occurred to me too, that this may be a way out for him. Surely if he was mad about you, while the sexual history thing may bother him, he wouldn't throw it back in your face by being downright nasty "He doesn’t want other guys potentially looking at him in a disco if we were to get married, saying to themselves I shagged your girlfriend which could happen.". My god I just think that is such a cruel thing to say.

G86

Boston wrote: »

You're taking away the other persons right to make an informed decision. People turn down prospective partners for all kinds of silly reasons. Age, profession, hair colour, taste in music, ect . Sexual history seems to be a pretty valid reason when you put it up there with them. Fair enough if you don't think it matters but if the other person does, and you spend 3 years hiding it from them, then I think they're justified in breaking up with you since you started out under false pretences.

How as she hid it from him though? They just hadn't discussed it up until this point.

False pretences? So you're implying that she made out she was the Virgin Mary just because she wanted to wait three months?

Boston

G86 wrote: »

How as she hid it from him though? They just hadn't discussed it up until this point.

I don't believe for a second that anyone would thing that there sexual history isn't pertinent information to share. I can see why they wouldn't want to though. A lie by omission is still a lie.

G86 wrote: »

False pretences? So you're implying that she made out she was the Virgin Mary just because she wanted to wait three months?

Waiting three months suggests a conservative sexual nature. That illusion should have been dispelled early on.

G86

Boston wrote: »

I don't believe for a second that anyone would thing that there sexual history isn't pertinent information to share. I can see why they wouldn't want to though. A lie by omission is still a lie.

But why should she bring it up? Why would she even have thought it would be an issue? It's hardly something you bring up at dinner, if it doesn't come up then it doesn't come up.

Waiting three months suggests a conservative sexual nature. That illusion should have been dispelled early on.

By what rule book? If he wanted to know then he all he had to do was ask instead of making assumptions.

SheRa

Boston wrote: »

I don't believe for a second that anyone would thing that there sexual history isn't pertinent information to share. I can see why they wouldn't want to though. A lie by omission is still a lie.

Eh maybe because a person doesn't have to share their sexual history with their partner if they don't want to, for all sorts of reasons such as being judged or having their OH get jealous, which seems to be exactly what happened in this case.

Boston wrote: »

Waiting three months suggests a conservative sexual nature. That illusion should have been dispelled early on.

So she should have come out and told her boyf early on about her sexual past to dispell some sort of illusion? What if she wanted to wait becuase she wanted to, or does her choice not come into this?

Sorry, a bit off topic but I dont think that life is this black and white Boston.

cremeegg

tell him to dry his eyes.. and quickly

in all fairness... if he dosent get over it pretty fast id be worried..

as previous poster says ...everyone has a past....

Blush_01

OP, how long ago did you tell him?

I'm not excusing his response, but if you've only just told him maybe he needs a little bit of time to adjust to the idea that you're a little different to who he assumed you were? If he's worth any effort he'll get over himself.

Hope everything works out for the best for both of you.

I think it's more about he had the wrong impression of you rather than any sexism. I like to be upfront and honest about everything, including sexual history. If I am going to let a guy put his penis inside me, I think it is absolutely my right to know where it's been and if he's been tested and all that. I would be very annoyed if a guy gave me the impression he'd been with a couple of girls and it was actually 25. This 'it's none of your business' stuff is absolute tripe in my opinion. It's not that I'd reject a guy with a high number. My current bf has been with a lot of girls. But I expect honesty and I am always honest myself. I don't see what's so awkward or unusual about asking about past partners. I'd find it much more strange to have absolutely no idea.

vicecreamsundae

OP, you have NOTHING to be ashamed about! you should not feel guilty for having sex with guys before you met your boyfriend. and from the sounds of it you haven't even slept with very many guys -it sounds like you had sex with about five or six but are also adding the number of men you have "slept in the same bed with" ?

if your boyfriend who has known you for three years now things you are a "slapper", he must be extremely immature, and the way he would judge you for having a life before him is disgusting. you are supposed to be his best friend and lover...not some piece of meat who is "spoiled goods" if you had sex with other people before him. such a gross attitude for him to have.

if it was important to him for you to be a virgin, he should have asked you a long time ago. did the conversation ever come up before? if you actually lied, i can understand him being angry and upset, but if you simply never discussed it before you have no reason to feel bad and he is being completely unreasonable and judgemental.

nobody owes their partner an explanation of their sexual history, as long as they have had an std check, in my opinion. at the same time i think it's wrong to lie about it -either say you don't want to discuss it, or tell the truth.

i guess it's natural enough for him to feel jealous, but he needs to get over it quick. tell him to either grow up or stop wasting your time. you have done NOTHING wrong.

Boston

G86 wrote: »

But why should she bring it up? Why would she even have thought it would be an issue? It's hardly something you bring up at dinner, if it doesn't come up then it doesn't come up.

Any responsible person would enquire into their partners sexual history. If the subject is too difficult to broach, then you shouldn't be together.

G86 wrote: »

By what rule book? If he wanted to know then he all he had to do was ask instead of making assumptions.

No rule book, just human nature. They're getting married, so maybe he decided now was a good time to ask.

SheRa wrote: »

Eh maybe because a person doesn't have to share their sexual history with their partner if they don't want to, for all sorts of reasons such as being judged or having their OH get jealous, which seems to be exactly what happened in this case.

So it's ok to be deceitful and untruthful about yourself with someone you've been in a relationship with for three years.

SheRa wrote: »

So she should have come out and told her boyf early on about her sexual past to dispell some sort of illusion? What if she wanted to wait becuase she wanted to, or does her choice not come into this?

Sorry, a bit off topic but I dont think that life is this black and white Boston.

She could have been honest and still waited. Whats wrong with saying "in the past I've rushed into things but now I want to take things slowly".

gimme5minutes

Boston wrote: »

I don't believe for a second that anyone would thing that there sexual history isn't pertinent information to share. I can see why they wouldn't want to though. A lie by omission is still a lie.

It's none of their business. A person's past is their own private business. If they chose to share it fair enough, but no-one is under any obligations.

I never asked my current gf about her previous bfs/sexual history, it never even crossed my mind to ask, why on earth would I want to hear her talking about some dudes she was with several years ago? She never aksed me about my previous gfs. And with my with previous two gfs, it was the exact same. Our previous relationships were never brought up. I had no interest in talking about relationships that didn't work out, and neither had they.

If a partner wants to know if you have an std, of course that's a reasonable question, but your past relationship history is your own business. If I started going out with a girl and she was demanding to know about all my previous relationships/one night stands I would tell her it's none of her business and that she could get on her bike if she had a problem with that. Bf/gfs don't have an automatic right to all your highly personal information. The past is best left in the past.

miec

Like it or not - men don't like the idea of their girl being with other men. It's an old school, alpha-male, feeling that's ingrained in us. The amount of guys a girl has slept can very well be a decider.

When a man looks at a woman for marriage material - it's important to him that she's known around the town for being an easy ride. That's the truth.

This is the reason most women either lie or do not discuss the number of partners issue.

Op your sexual history is a problem for your boyfriend but it is not your problem. If he ends it with you, he is ending it based on his assumptions of how a woman should be, sadly most men have a similar view and in my opinion, based an past experience, I would not tell a man how many men I have slept with in the past unless I ascertained that he had a very healthy sense of himself and was confident in himself not to get all upset about this issue. A lot of men are very, very touchy about the number of former partners their girlfriend has had as has been explained by one poster above. If he ends it with you over this then it is his loss so please do not blame yourself. You may have like a lot of women thought you could win a man over by having sex with him, sadly, some men don't seem to realise that is why some women sleep with men. They put pressure on a woman to have sex and then tell her she is a slut or treat her like that if she does so often women are put in a double bind on this issue. I would suggest you give your boyfriend time to get over it but never, ever let him use it to hurt you, it is your past and nothing to do with him, if a man wants to know about a woman's sexual history he should be man enough to deal with it in a mature way, that is either accept it or walk away, but not to dump his insecurities on his girlfriend.

Wibbs

I agree with both miec and boston funny enough. It is important as a subject, even in the sense of trusting the other person and like boston said it can make a diff in a few areas. Past behaviour often does inform future behaviour, sexual health another reason etc. I would also be peed off at the lie aspect of it. I could understand it, yes but I would be peed off.

But Boston is coming at this from the mature angle where he would take this on board as a trust thing and the answer looked at rationally, which many many men wont. They'll see it as a threat. Like miec said this is more likely to be the case with most men than not IME.

Its a hard one to navigate now its out in the open. Give him time is the only advice I can think off. Dont bring it up or harp on it for some sort of closure on your part. let him work it out himself. If he leaves you then miec read and re read miec's advice. Its not you, its more him.

Barracudaincork

OP, one of the things men get funny about is their partners sexual history. Especially if that person has slept with more people than them. Some men have an inferriority complex and it eats them up knowing other men have pleasured you and you them, they cant get there head around it.

You have done nothing wrong, you didnt lie to him (by omission or otherwise), you have a past and you didnt appear to be ashamed of that past until his insecurities reared their ugly head and he came out with this out dated claptrap!

Barracudaincork

Boston wrote: »

Any responsible person would enquire into their partners sexual history. If the subject is too difficult to broach, then you shouldn't be together.



No rule book, just human nature. They're getting married, so maybe he decided now was a good time to ask.

Ok so let me get this right, the OP should of told her OH about it straight away and if she couldnt broach the subject then she shouldnt of been with him, yet you seem to think its ok for him to wait 3 years till they are getting married before he asked. Why dont you see him in the same light as the OP, he too didnt broach the subject in the beginning and contiuned on with the relationship. If he knew he would react the way he did on hearing she wasnt a virgin, he should of asked her 3 years ago, not now.

Boston

They've a right to ask, you've a right to refuse to answer and they again have the right to walk away. Lying about it, or keeping your history from then through action or inaction isn't acceptable. People don't have to be an open book from day one but it's likely she knew he would have issue with her history. It doesn't really make sense that she could be with the man for that long without knowing how he felt about sex and that he'd likely take issue with her past.

miec wrote: »

This is the reason most women either lie or do not discuss the number of partners issue.
Op your sexual history is a problem for your boyfriend but it is not your problem. If he ends it with you, he is ending it based on his assumptions of how a woman should be, sadly most men have a similar view and in my opinion, based an past experience, I would not tell a man how many men I have slept with in the past unless I ascertained that he had a very healthy sense of himself and was confident in himself not to get all upset about this issue. A lot of men are very, very touchy about the number of former partners their girlfriend has had as has been explained by one poster above. If he ends it with you over this then it is his loss so please do not blame yourself. You may have like a lot of women thought you could win a man over by having sex with him, sadly, some men don't seem to realise that is why some women sleep with men. They put pressure on a woman to have sex and then tell her she is a slut or treat her like that if she does so often women are put in a double bind on this issue. I would suggest you give your boyfriend time to get over it but never, ever let him use it to hurt you, it is your past and nothing to do with him, if a man wants to know about a woman's sexual history he should be man enough to deal with it in a mature way, that is either accept it or walk away, but not to dump his insecurities on his girlfriend.

It strikes me that in any meaningful relationship your partners problems are also your own, but perhaps I'm a romantic.

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Ok so let me get this right, the OP should of told her OH about it straight away and if she couldnt broach the subject then she shouldnt of been with him, yet you seem to think its ok for him to wait 3 years till they are getting married before he asked. Why dont you see him in the same light as the OP, he too didnt broach the subject in the beginning and contiuned on with the relationship. If he knew he would react the way he did on hearing she wasn't a virgin, he should of asked her 3 years ago, not now.

Theres more then those two extremes. Not being a virgin and having sex with 15 guys aren't the same thing. Look at miec, she herself is making assumptions about the OP based on the number of men she has slept with. Miec asserts that the OP may have used sex as a means to an end in keeping a men interested. I'd be asking the same questions, is sex just a tool to this person? Something to be used and barginned over? Dispite popular belief, sometimes the things we do in summer doesn't just wash away come the autumn rains.

Many women here have indicated that sexual history is personal and that no man has the right to demand a full discloser but how many of you would be truely comfortable dating a man whose had sex with another man for instance? or whose had some fun in an amsterdam brothel? No many I'd wager.

seenitall

Boston:

"Many women here have indicated that sexual history is personal and that no man has the right to demand a full discloser but how many of you would be truely comfortable dating a man whose had sex with another man for instance? or whose had some fun in an amsterdam brothel? No many I'd wager."

And how many men would disclose to the woman that they had sex with another man, or had had fun in an Amterdam brothel? Not many I'd wager.

G86

Boston wrote: »

Not being a virgin and having sex with 15 guys aren't the same thing..

She hasn't had sex with 15 guys, she has just slept in the same bed as them - re-read the post. The number she's had sex with seems to be only 5 or 6 going by what she's said, not that the number should have anything to do with it anyway, regardless of his views on the matter. If it mattered that much to him then he should have brought it up when he started seeing her.

LegacyUser

OP it seems to me, that you have really low self esteem,

You say you are lucky to have your boyfriend, Is he not lucky to have you too?

You have spent 3 years together, and what you did in the past is the past, Look forward to the future, whether its with him or someone else.

Relationships I think are based on 2 people being happy, not just 1,

You have not mentioned anything in your post about LOVE, Just what other people think.
Maybe its time you called it a day, as you don't seem happy!


Got this from Doctor Phil..

Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.

Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.

Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.

Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.

Promote your partner's self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner's self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.

Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.

Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.

Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don't have to prove over and over that you know what you're talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner's attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.

Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.

Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don't be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.

Boston

seenitall wrote: »

Boston:

"Many women here have indicated that sexual history is personal and that no man has the right to demand a full discloser but how many of you would be truely comfortable dating a man whose had sex with another man for instance? or whose had some fun in an amsterdam brothel? No many I'd wager."

And how many men would disclose to the woman that they had sex with another man, or had had fun in an Amterdam brothel? Not many I'd wager.

Irrelevant. This isn't a case arguement about which gender is more honest but rather a statement that anyone with any sense would want to know at least the broad details of there partners sexual history.

G86 wrote: »

She hasn't had sex with 15 guys, she has just slept in the same bed as them - re-read the post. The number she's had sex with seems to be only 5 or 6 going by what she's said, not that the number should have anything to do with it anyway, regardless of his views on the matter. If it mattered that much to him then he should have brought it up when he started seeing her.

It's a wise man who can bring up something he's completely unaware of.

The OP seems to use slept with and shared a bed with interchangably with had intercourse with.

Boston

My own personal view, since I've been just bouncing off other people so far.

Sexual history isn't a huge factor. I'd be slow to get involved with a virgin, but I would never hold a consensual sexual act against someone. What would matter to me is the person's ability to maintain a committed monogamous relationship. I've decided that is the relationship type which best suits my emotional, spiritual and physical needs. Someone who sets up "no go" areas in the relationship or felt they were justified in lying to me, wouldn't be compatible with me. When I'm with someone, I'm with them and I expect that to be reciprocated. I view a relationship short of that as a waste of time.

G86

Boston wrote: »

My own personal view, since I've been just bouncing off other people so far.

Sexual history isn't a huge factor. I'd be slow to get involved with a virgin, put I would never hold a consensual sexual act against someone. What would matter to me is the person's ability to maintain a committed monogamous relationship. I've decided that is the relationship type which best suits my emotional, spiritual and physical needs. Someone who sets up "no go" areas in the relationship or felt they were justified in lying to me, wouldn't be compatible with me. When I'm with someone, I'm with them and I expect that to be reciprocated. I view a relationship short of that as a waste of time.

I get what you're saying, and I can't stand any kind of dishonesty, BUT I really don't think that this situation qualifies as lying. She didn't think it was an issue as he gave her no indication that it was. If he had said from day one that he had a problem with being with someone who'd had previous partners then she should have brought it up, but he didn't so I really don't think she had any reason to think he'd have an issue with it. I mean it's 2010 not 1960 in all fairness, very few people go into relationships now without a sexual history.

BraziliaNZ

God, what an asshole your boyfriend is. He's being completely unreasonable and irrational. Why did he ask and why did you tell him?
I wouldn't DARE ask some of the girls I've gone out with about their sexual past, Jesus, I never wanted to know where they learned to do certain things, no siree.
I just assume that most girls get more than guys these days, lucky f*ckers.

SarahSassy

Did he have an issue about this before you got engaged? If so, it would strike me as controlling or else cold feet if he only has an issue with it now...

Cheap Thrills!

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

God, what an asshole your boyfriend is. He's being completely unreasonable and irrational. Why did he ask and why did you tell him?

+ 1

Op, quite apart from the mind boggling intrusiveness and downright creepiness of him asking you that, why in the world did you tell him every detail of your very modest and innocent history......?

You were in no way obliged to tell him any of that.

His behaviour is not healthy. Very egotistical and self obsessed.

Boston

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

+ 1

Op, quite apart from the mind boggling intrusiveness and downright creepiness of him asking you that, why in the world did you tell him every detail of your very modest and innocent history......?

You were in no way obliged to tell him any of that.

His behaviour is not healthy. Very egotistical and self obsessed.

Wtf. He's going out with her for three years, it's not some fling. We can debate who should have brought up the issue for but If you need to be so secretive about your past that a partner asking you about it is intrusive and offensive, then there's something wrong with you.

Cheap Thrills!

No, why would anyone CARE about their partners sexual history....it's all academic anyway because it comes out bit by bit organically....but who the fcuk cares....?

I don't care about his and he doesn't care about mine.

Its irrelevant.

Boston

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

No, why would anyone CARE about their partners sexual history....it's all academic anyway because it comes out bit by bit organically....but who the fcuk cares....?

I don't care about his and he doesn't care about mine.

Its irrelevant.

Well done you. Not everyone likes to play Russian roulette with their sexual encounters. It's actually mind boggling in this day and age that anyone would both show such little regard for their own sexual health and also scoff at the idea of other people being responsible. Did you know that the grouping with the fastest rising HIV infection rate is young women? Most of which are contracting it through sexual intercourse with their partners.

BraziliaNZ

Boston wrote: »

Well done you. Not everyone likes to play Russian roulette with their sexual encounters. It's actually mind boggling in this day and age that anyone would both show such little regard for their own sexual health and also scoff at the idea of other people being responsible. Did you know that the grouping with the fastest rising HIV infection rate is young women? Most of which are contracting it through sexual intercourse with their partners.

oh god you're bringing up STDs ffs. They have been together ages, surely the feckin' blisters would be showing up by now no?
Seriously, you're beyond talking to.
Do you list all the things you've done with previous girl/boyfriends? Do you think I should tell my next partner about every sordid thing I've done in my past? Dear oh dear...

Boston

Your ignorance of STIs is astounding. Anyway, the premise was that no one should ever ask their partner about their sexual history and that doing so made one an arsehole. STIs is just one valid reason why you would.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Do you list all the things you've done with previous girl/boyfriends?

Of course I do. Why do you think that so strange a concept?

BraziliaNZ

Boston wrote: »

Of course I do. Why do you think that so strange a concept?

Why the hell would either of you want to know that stuff? Actually don't bother answering that, I don't want to hear anymore.

Boston

I already answered that question. It's called taking responsibility.

Moylaragh

You are letting this paranoid paranoid [EMAIL="w@nker"]w@nker[/EMAIL] walk all over you.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

The past is the past and should be left alone.

I would be worried he is trying to get out of the marraige to be

BraziliaNZ

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

oh god you're bringing up STDs ffs. They have been together ages, surely the feckin' blisters would be showing up by now no?
Seriously, you're beyond talking to.
Do you list all the things you've done with previous girl/boyfriends? Do you think I should tell my next partner about every sordid thing I've done in my past? Dear oh dear...

The STD thing is totally relevant. Doctors always ask about sexual history going back 3-4 years for any type of sexual health or gynae problem. I've had several ask about my boyfriend's sexual history as well. My problem isn't even sex related, so I imagine they ask much more if someone goes in thinking they actually have something. I think it's pretty crazy not to have any idea of what your partner got up to in the past. You're acting as if it's lunacy to ask about it. It isn't. I don't need to know every detail but I appreciate an outline. 'Had 3 serious gfs, four one night stands, a few flings' would do along with when their last STD test was. I want to know what I could be exposing myself to when I sleep with someone new. Sure, anyone can have an STD, but the chance of it rises dramatically the more partners someone has. That is just common sense. Something you contracted three years ago could absolutely pop up now.

seenitall

Boston:

"Irrelevant. This isn't a case arguement about which gender is more honest but rather a statement that anyone with any sense would want to know at least the broad details of there partners sexual history."

The (completely relevant!:D) point that I was making is that in an ideal world everyone would be completely transparently honest and clear about the sum total of their sexual history with their current partner. But as you know, we do not live in an ideal world, and people who are in a relationship/deeply in love with some judgmental, Neanderthal jerk who they find absolutely enchating and lovable, will most certainly NOT feel compelled to spill the beans, as it were. Nobody likes to be made to feel like the whore of Babylon by their dearly beloved, if they can possibly help it. Human nature. Go figure...