He wants me back (sort of)

LegacyUser

I already know the answer to this one but I'm posting anyway because I need a kick up the arse.

I was dating a guy for 3/4 months. It ended in February. Basically the problem was that as far as I was concerned, we were a couple. Valentines day brought the issue up (I got him a card and a little gift - he got me nothing). I asked him about it in a nice way and he said he thought that was just for couples. I asked were we not a couple and he said no.

For over 3 months we had been seeing each other 3/4 times a week. We talked on the phone every night that we weren't together. He texted me with a goodnight kiss every night. We watched movies, we went out for drinks, we went out for dinner. He collected me and dropped me home, we hung out on occasion where sex wasn't possible. I've been in relationships before and this was a relationship. We had agreed we weren't seeing other people which I assumed made him my boyfriend. Apparantly not.


So I ended it as he wouldn't commit to us being in a couple. I also cut contact for a few weeks although he was texting me every other day. I wasn't replying.

We bumped into each other during the week and he asked me to go with him for a coffee and a chat. I did.
We had a good talk and agreed to be friends. But he has since made it clear that he wants things to go back to the way they were. Us hanging out, going out, having sex, talking a lot, texting etc. Back to me being his girlfriend but without the tag.

And I'm tempted. Because I'm crazy about him. He's lovely and everything I wanted in a boyfriend. But not my boyfriend.

I can't understand it. He acts like my boyfriend and he wants to be with me and he's happy to be in an exclusive relationship with me. But only if we don't call it a relationship.

We're not kids. We're both 25. He's never had a "girlfriend" before. He seems to have a pattern of acting like the boyfriend and then ending things when they start getting serious or else the girls end it when he won't get serious.

It's like he thinks that boyfriend will immediately lead to meeting the parents, buying the house and dog and being dragged up the ailse.


I miss him and I'm lonely but I think I know I can't do the whole "not being a couple but being a couple" thing.

Part of me thinks (this being the stupid idiotic part) that if we go back to the way things were then we will eventually get to the relationship stage.

I know that all I have to do is call and he'll be very happy to jump back into what we had. And it's tempting. Very very tempting. But its also a disaster waiting to happen and odds are I'll end up hurt. Right?

Miss Fluff

If a guy really wants to be with you he will jump through hoops to make that happen. And this guy doesn't seem to be unfortunately. He may need to give it some thought however, and cutting contact with him completely (let him miss you) will show him that you won't accept a "kind of" relationship with him which up to now has been entirely on his terms. If you get back with him under the same circumstances as last time it will not work. Never go in to a relationship hoping that the other person will change over time, it's dishonest to both of you.

And on another note, he is behaving like a dick.

Barracudaincork

I dont think you were wrong to assume you were a couple given the details you gave, especially the having sex and being exclusive part.

I would forget about him tbh, he will only bring you more heartache. If he truly wants to be with you he would tell you and tell you he wants to be your boyfriend and not go back to how things were before, he would do this not only because that is how he feels too or because you mean enough to him for him to do it. Right now you dont! Im sorry if that upsets you, but the truth hurts and you really and truly are better off alone or out looking for a boyfriend, who isnt afraid of the title.

sporina

unfortunately it sounds like commitment issues. if you want to be with him talk to him first - ask him what his problem is with the tag? There is a reason - and you deserve to know if he wants to be with you. To be with him and not be his "girlfriend" puts you in a vunerable situation where you can get hurt - as has already happened with valentines day. What about birthdays, or just when you need support? You deserve someone who will be your boyfriend and all that that involves,,, and if he does not want to be that person, I think you had better walk away. Take care

gavney1

This guy sounds like he's quite immature.

It sounds like you've dealt with the situation quite well though OP. You're letting him know what you want, but you're still being honest with yourself that you really like him in all other respects, so you are quite clear about what you want.

So, the only thing I could suggest would be to (if you haven't already) ask him what he's afraid of - is he worried that you'll want to get married soon?

But really, I don't think you should be doing any of the work here. It's an immature attitude (and one he may regret) to end something good because he doesn't like the "tag" - to quote one of the army guys from Starship troopers - "never pass up a good thing, son"

He needs to grow up, but he has to do that on his own, I really doubt you'll be able to change him

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

It is pretty much as I thought. I did say to him that he likes me but just not enough. He says thats not the case but for various reasons he just doesn't want to get tied down.

I think it's been drilled into him to be honest. His parents own a large farm, he's an only child etc etc. I think they have him petrified to get into a relationship because of the goddamn land!
His family are wealthy and although mine aren't exactly poverty stricken I think the fact that I'm an average Jane, working full time in a fairly good job but still, living pay packet to pay packet while he has a fairly hefty investment portfolio and money and land to his name.

Anyway, thats part of it I think. But yeah, me giving in and putting up with that crap isn't good enough for me.

Sigh. Keep looking I suppose.

LegacyUser

Men like that really, really get on my wick arrrrrrrggggghhhh!

That has happened to me on more than one occassion OP. I have had two very similar relationships in the past couple of years. I even met one of the guys kids (they were grown up), was invited to his friends wedding with him and met his mother. Yet when the conversation arose about where the relationship was going his reply was 'Relationship...what relationship??'
It's a cop-out on his part OP. Some men like to have their cake and eat it. They like to keep themselves on the market for the hundreds of other women who are no doubt chasing them (thats a touch of sarcasm, sorry!).
Apologies if my anger is coming out in this post, but this has happened to me again recently.

Forget about the fact that he's just not that into you. Dont make it about him and how he feels. Rise above his immature behaviour and get yourself a real man, who can use the word 'relationship' without stuttering and stammering.
Best of luck OP - you deserve soooooo much better than him!

girlwitcurls

run for the hills!!what a knob!!

mood

If he doesn't want a proper relationship with you then walk away and cut contact. 'Seeing' each other obviously is not what you want.