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Out of control teen

  • 27-03-2010 10:05pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3


    Hi this is my first post so after a lot of reading I have plucked up the courage to post. Basically I'm 10 years older than by brother who for the last year has been in so much trouble with the gardai,school,my parents etc. He is sitting his leaving cert in this year and no matter how many times we have tried to tell him to knuckle down he just won't listen. I know he is smoking hash and probably doing a lot worse as we all did at that age but he is such a different boy to the one we knew last year it's so upsetting. He is in with a really bad crowd, doesn't come home most weekends, I just don't know what else to say to my mam at this stage. She has sent him for counselling but the good behaviour only lasted a short amount of time. My parents look dreadful, they don't give him money anymore because when they do he ends up getting arrested for drunken disorderly. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on what we can do to help him realise what he's doing before its too late. Thanks


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    I never took drugs, but when I was acting like a prick to my family, my father made it quite clear that he'd kick me out if I didn't change my ways; and so I did (change my ways). This mightn't work in the case of your brother, however, as i think he might just end up leaving and start sleeping rough and/or at friends' houses.

    What options have the police given to your family about this? We always hear about cases where if such-and-such an action were taken, then things wouldn't have turned out so bad. This is such a case and action must therefore be taken, and strong action too. Your brother seems to have made it clear that he has no intention of changing things himself, and so he must be forced to change by the relevant authority(ies). However, this is outside of the scope of what I feel comfortable talking about.

    Kevin


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 471 ✭✭Cunsiderthis


    italiagirl wrote: »
    ...brother who for the last year has been in so much trouble with the gardai,school,my parents etc... no matter how many times we have tried to tell him to knuckle down he just won't listen... he is smoking hash and probably doing a lot worse ...doesn't come home most weekends..She has sent him for counselling but the good behaviour only lasted a short amount of time... he ends up getting arrested for drunken disorderly.

    It's very hard to watch someone self destruct, and almost impossible to tell anything to someone who is of LC age ( +- 18) as, at that age, they already know everything! ( It's only later on in life we begin to realise that, in face, we know very little).

    Dealing with someone in this situation is akin to dealing with someone who has an alcoholic or other addiction at any age. Of course he won't listen when you tell him to knuckle down, especially if he has been in trouble with the gardaí.

    If it were me and my 18 year old son wanted to continue to live in our house, but behave in ways in which I found unacceptable (such as not coming home at weekends and being arrested for being drunk and disorderly), then, since reasoning or negotiation with him seems impossible, I would present him with an ultimatum.

    I would first discuss with the rest of the family, when we are all together, and discuss with them their views on the situation, and their expectation as to how that might change or ways in which they thought we might resolve the situation.

    I'd ask him to take part in the meeting and hope he sees that everyone else is not prepared to continue to put up with his behaviour any more.

    It's unlikely he'll attend the meeting, and if he does we hope he'll mend his ways, and we can discuss with him why he thinks everyone else is fed up with his behaviour, and how we can help him change that.

    If he either attends the meeting, or not, then I'd still relay to him in no uncertain terms the feeling of everyone else and tell him we are prepared to help him to get over his difficulties.

    If he continues to avoid and ignore his responsibilities towards the others he lives with, then I'd give him an ultimatum that either he learns to respect those he lives with, or else he considers moving out as soon as he has completed his leaving certificate.

    Make him realise that he is loved, but also make him realise that the rest of his family are united in their decision to help him if he will let them, and if he won't let them help him and continues his lawless behaviour, then he will have to move out of the house immediately after his LC.

    Let him know that he will be welcome to return home if he is able to assure the other family members that he can do so if he is able to abide by the same rules as the rest of you.

    It's tough, but someone in his position might come around if you shock him with either the threat of losing his home, or with the actuality of it for a time.

    Ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves, and can't take on responsibility for others who do not want our help. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn for all of us, as we so desperately want to help others close to us, and it really is heartbreaking to watch someone self destruct.

    I'd also strongly suggest that you, and your parents, might go along to Al Anon (http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/) as there you'll find others who have been through this. You are not unique and there is also no need to be alone, and you might just find someone there who can help you get him back sooner rather than later.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    My youngest brother went through this phase in his teens and late teens. Basically he always got off with slightly more than he should have. He never learned about responsibility or empathy.

    He didn't care about the annoyance he caused anyone but if he was confronted gave a horrible little smile or when things went really bad for him he'd mope around looking for sympathy and usually got it.

    Years later, he's fine. I still see the badness in him but most other people are oblivious. He is apt at playing people. He's confident and has a nice lifestyle (funded by his girlfriend).

    The mistake you are making is worrying about him and letting him upset you. Your parents obviously not be able to turn their back on him because he is their son at the end of the day.

    Rather than sending him to counselling, it is your parents who should go! They would benefit most because they can learn how to deal with a person who gets attention by causing them so much trouble. The theory is rather than trying to improve others, improve yourself.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3 italiagirl


    Thanks for the reply guys your info has been a great relief we are not the only family going through this. Kevster, I went down to the police with my mam when this all started to see if we could get come help and we spoke to the most horrible and unhelpful inspector, if I knew where I could lodge a complaint about him I would. He was more interested in fishing for information about my brother than helpful. At think at this stage he needs a fright. I didn't think about my parents going for counselling, maybe thats an option they may consider. Thanks again.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 2,688 Mod ✭✭✭✭Morpheus


    Garda Ombudsman.

    http://www.gardaombudsman.ie/gsoc-garda-ombudsman-complaints.htm#Step1whocancomplain

    On yer bike and make that complaint if you feel you were unfairly treated!


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