What should I do? Help me please!

LegacyUser

I am a young adult who over the course of the last number of years have suffered from depression to the point of carrying out self harm and contemplating sucide(which I have made nobody aware).

I have recieved psyciatric help in the form of councelling and meds however my psyciatrist is adament that I tell a family member ie my mum.

I feel that this is simply not an option, I am pretty sure that my life will be 100 times worse if I do this as my family do not respond well to mental health or indeed anything around that. Their attitude is that a person should be able to get on with things, where as I simply can't!

I live away from home five days a week and travel home at the weekends for the most part and my family are in no way aware of how bad my life is both at home and away from home. I feel as if it is my family that has me in the position that I am currently in, as there was a long peroid of physical abuse which went on in my childhood years and sometimes even now takes place and nobody will stand up to it, all I can seem to do is harm myself to make things better for a short while.

How am I supposed to talk to a family member about this and let my psyciatrist talk to my mum about me? I don't know what to do or how to cope with this. I feels as if when I take one step forward I'm taking 100 steps back. I don't want to be rejected by my mum, I love her to bits, but I can't continue this way! So what do I do? How should I approach my psyciatrist about this?

goat2

lostforgood wrote: »

I am a young adult who over the course of the last number of years have suffered from depression to the point of carrying out self harm and contemplating sucide(which I have made nobody aware).

I have recieved psyciatric help in the form of councelling and meds however my psyciatrist is adament that I tell a family member ie my mum.

I feel that this is simply not an option, I am pretty sure that my life will be 100 times worse if I do this as my family do not respond well to mental health or indeed anything around that. Their attitude is that a person should be able to get on with things, where as I simply can't!

I live away from home five days a week and travel home at the weekends for the most part and my family are in no way aware of how bad my life is both at home and away from home. I feel as if it is my family that has me in the position that I am currently in, as there was a long peroid of physical abuse which went on in my childhood years and sometimes even now takes place and nobody will stand up to it, all I can seem to do is harm myself to make things better for a short while.

How am I supposed to talk to a family member about this and let my psyciatrist talk to my mum about me? I don't know what to do or how to cope with this. I feels as if when I take one step forward I'm taking 100 steps back. I don't want to be rejected by my mum, I love her to bits, but I can't continue this way! So what do I do? How should I approach my psyciatrist about this?

have you got an aunt, that would be more broadminded that you could get close to, or a sister, do you have a cousin, a good friend your own age which would be very good for you
what age are you,
your problem seems to be, you need someone to talk to, and get feedback from,

Cunsiderthis

lostforgood wrote: »

I am a young adult who over the course of the last number of years have suffered from depression to the point of carrying out self harm and contemplating sucide(which I have made nobody aware).

I have recieved psyciatric help in the form of councelling and meds however my psyciatrist is adament that I tell a family member ie my mum.

I feel that this is simply not an option, I am pretty sure that my life will be 100 times worse if I do this as my family do not respond well to mental health or indeed anything around that. Their attitude is that a person should be able to get on with things, where as I simply can't!

I live away from home five days a week and travel home at the weekends for the most part and my family are in no way aware of how bad my life is both at home and away from home. I feel as if it is my family that has me in the position that I am currently in, as there was a long peroid of physical abuse which went on in my childhood years and sometimes even now takes place and nobody will stand up to it, all I can seem to do is harm myself to make things better for a short while.

How am I supposed to talk to a family member about this and let my psyciatrist talk to my mum about me? I don't know what to do or how to cope with this. I feels as if when I take one step forward I'm taking 100 steps back. I don't want to be rejected by my mum, I love her to bits, but I can't continue this way! So what do I do? How should I approach my psyciatrist about this?

I'm not sure if you confuse the words "psychiatrist" and "counsellor" here. Both are very different and it's unclear whether you are attending a psychiatrist, a councillor, or both.

I hate to say this, but some councillors are better than others. If one is putting pressure on you to tell your mother, then that seems, on the face of it, to be an unusual course for a counsellor to take. Or a psychiatrist.

If I were being urged by a councillor to take a course of action with which I felt uncomfortable, I think I'd be tempted to get a second opinion. If you are in a situation where there has been "...a long period of physical abuse which went on in my childhood years and sometimes even now takes place..." , then it seems unclear why you would go home for the weekends if this is where there is a threat of physical abuse.

The more I read your post, the more I would urge you to either show this thread to your counsellor now, or to get a second opinion from another counsellor to whom you should also show this thread.

Additionally, it's crucial you get help for your suicidal thoughts, whether from your GP or from your psychiatrist or counsellor.

You are not alone and it seem vital you discuss these issues and get proper help asap.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately I can't talk to any family, friends etc. I don't feel anyone would understand and I certainly don't want to make the situation any worse at home than it already is. I think if their was I would have done so already.

I am going to see both but it is the psyciatrist that is putting pressure on me to discuss things with my mum and then they want to talk to her to get an open picture of the situation. I feel that this simply just can't happen. I try and live one life when I'm at home for two days and another for the five days that I am away in college.

For financial reasons, I have no option to go home otherwise I would completely stay away. Trust me I wish I didn't have to go there....!

As for my thoughts, I am finding it difficult to control them, I feel as if I am over-thinking things and thats not really helping me much because the deeper and deeper I think the more I just don't want to be here....at least thats what I think. If my thoughts were clear I think I would be grand.

How do I approach my psyciatrist about this, it's definitely not a road I want to go down but the psyciatrist feels I have to.

AvaKinder

It's not really a matter of how to approach the psychiatrists as he/she can't force you do tell someone if you feel it's the wrong choice, and they also cannot attempt to tell your family anything that you don't want them to, unless they genuinely believe your life to be at risk.

I'd encourage you to reiterate that you will not be telling your family rather than 'don't want to', for the reasons you have outlined, and explain that if your psychiatrist is insistent on this line of treatment, they should refer you to another doctor.

seenitall

It seems you have a major issue with standing up for yourself or voicing and defending your wishes/feelings (not unusual as a consequence of long-term abuse of any kind), even when it comes to talking to a person who is actually there to provide a service to YOU, not the other way round! Either that, or your psychiatrist is an unusually pushy/insensitive professional. A good psychiatrist/counsellor is attentive enough to notice and understand when you feel uncomfortable/threatened by something, and will therefore know not to push you! They should NOT be bullying you into situations that you find too challenging to cope with.

Either way, try and gather yourself enough to let them know in no uncertain terms that if they keep pushing you to talk to your mother against your wishes, you will have to start having doubts about their professional boundaries. That should solve the problem.

Other than that, I think that counselling is actually a good idea for you, as there are some quite serious issues there to deal with, but as already said, some counsellors are better than others. My hunch is that you have just drawn a short straw when it comes to this one. Keep trying, and please keep talking and communicating, it is important!

The best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

I have basically been told by the psyciatrist team that if I can't confide in my mum then they don't know what help I need as they are only seeing one side of the story and they want to look at it to see what type of supports I need.

I know that their intentions are good and all that but I know that this would end up as a total disaster for me and I don't want to face rejection from my mother as my life is tough enough.

Talking out directly is obviously something I don't do at all, and it took me long enough to go and try and seek help from my GP etc that I am almost at the point of turning back, whichis something I know I shouldn't do but I may have to if they carry on with this approach. It may just be partly the subborn side comming out in me but I seriously can't see any good comming out of this at all.

seenitall

I still stand by my earlier post - your team of psychiatrists should definitely not be pressuring you to do something that you are obviously very reluctant to do at this stage (there may come a time after some good and supportive counselling, when you might not feel the same as you do now). If they are, IMHO that is a very bad sign that they are not really listening to you. They should definitely be taking your fears and anxieties about communication with your family more seriously than they are.

I am talking as someone who has had a fair bit of therapy and studied some psychology (as a layperson, admittedly). You see, psychiatrists' agenda is generally different from your common psychologists'/counsellor's one; a psychiatrist wants to "fix" you, which usually amounts to prescribing you a course of medication or, some other quick fixes, as they are first and foremost medical professionals and their whole attitude is geared toward putting you under a microscope and treating you as a patient. I do not think there is a lot of subtlety or consideration in their approach. A psychologist/counsellor/therapist will work with you on an equal footing more, generally listen better, and there will be less of the medical, authoritorian fix-you approach to things.

I think it would be good if you could try and take a more objective and active approach to the exact nature of help that you are being given by these professionals. It is obvious that something is going have to give here; you will either have to fall in line with what they see as the best course of action for you, although you really don't want to (again, I think their attitude is pretty questionable), or find enough strength to be able to say: "You know gentlemen, I am feeling under a certain amount of pressure from you here, and this is not welcome. I think I am going to seek a second opinion on my situation, and consult another professional, thank you for your time, goodbye." Does this sound like a fair appraisal of your quandary?

There are some good counselling and therapy services around that are available to people on limited incomes, I think probably a service like Citizen's Information Centre will have some info on those, or even try and do some research on the Internet. Failing that, you can PM me, as I may be able to give you some pointers (can't do it on the thread, if I understood the rules and regulations correctly).

Taltos

I am just at a loss though why you continue to return home to this place where you were abused and where it does re-occur???

If you cannot stop the abuse then why do you not just remove yourself from that environment?

LegacyUser

My reasoning for being at home is I feel as if I need to be there even though this is still going on. I know that may sound unsensible but for the five days that I'm away I don't know what's really going on at home and I really want to be there for my mother, even though it's not in my best interests for my own mental health.

I am serious about what the psyciatrists said and I'm not too sure if I even want to continue going there. Even though I don't know what I should do if I don't go back there. I am lucky in some respects I suppose like my GP is supportive of me but I havn't made him aware of what the psyciatrists want me to do.

There may be some day when I can sit down and talk to my mum later on down the line, but I think I have too much on my shoulders at the minute to do that and couldn't face family rejection on top of everything else.

They have given me medication and that but I am finding them ineffective and all I seem to be dealing with is the dreadfull side-effect, 'that you will just have to get used to'.

I think at this stage it is fair to say that I am going to go back to my GP after the Easter holidays and as him to recommend somebody to me. Would this be a good idea?

seenitall

Yes, obviously, whatever is going to help you to feel more in control of your present situation than you do now is a good idea. If you are not finding your psychiatrists helpful, it is time to change tack.

Since you say that you find your GP generally understanding and supportive, I hope you will find it easier to outline to him/her exactly what kind of support you need (non-pressurising), and that it is certainly NOT what you have been getting from your psychiatrists. Explain exactly how worried and anxious their requests and pressures are making you feel. This is important. You trust this person (aside from the fact that their job is to be there for you), so talk to them openly and unambiguously. You deserve the kind of support that will be considerate of your wishes and fears so don't be afraid to ask for it!

All the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you seenitall!

I just think with it taking me so long to go and seek help and I am on the road to getting help, that theres no point taking a step back, if I do that now hell will go one forever!

I wasn't recommended to go and see a particular psyciatrist, I was just on a waiting list in the local hospital to see the mental health team there. Like the majority of the team are supportive (the younger members) where as the senior psyciatrist suggested this and said that I wouldn't really make progress until I did this and the rest of the people there supported this. I did try to explain myself but I don't think they took my concerns on board.

My GP is great, he has seen me and supported me alot. I am going to go back and see him first before I see the psyciatrist to see what he recommends and if their is somebody else that I can go to.

In the meantime, I'm just going to continue to take my medication, and try and sleep as much as possible and try to find a way to keep my thoughts at bay, any suggestions for this?

seenitall

It is great that you are taking positive steps for yourself, and you can do no better than continue to do so, as it shows that you are definitely NOT "lost for good" and you value yourself enough to seek help when you need it. I hope that in time you will also develop your assertiveness a bit more, as it is obviously a very much needed life-skill ("How to deal with pushy, inconsiderate psychiatrists", heehee:D).

Negative, bleak thoughts and depression seem to be part and parcel of an awful lot of people's lives nowadays, unfortunately. I know it is a cliche, but it does work: keep busy, obviously with your college work but also with any interests/hobbies you may have. When I was in a low period recently, it happened to coincide with having to do a craft project as a gift for a friend. That day, after I looked up from a few hours of doing this, I felt positively happy! I was completely relaxed and invigorated as I had put my time and effort into something I liked doing and I knew it was going to be appreciated by others as well. Time just flew by. Which brings me to another tip for keeping sadness at bay: socialize as much as you can, especially with friends and people who care about you. Our relationships with others are very important in life - there is a definite correlation between loner mentality and depression, so give it your best to be social. Hope it all goes well.

LegacyUser

I will admit assertiveness is certainly not my strong point otherwise I wouldn't be going home every weekend. It's kind of silly when you think of it though, why would a person put themselves in such a position and do nothing about it. This is the way my mum has been for years, yet when she is given an escape route she won't take it. It is partially for her I go home, she needs somebody.

I am literally throwing myself into my assignments as much as I can, you're completely right about keeping busy however, I know over the last couple of months that I havn't been on one night out, nor have I see my friends only the people I live with away from home. I don't go out during the week either and I think changing this is going to be quite difficult because it has come a way of life for me, it's like I have a little routine now!

Taltos

I know you are going home for you mum - and this is great in one way.
In another though - well you know...

You are going there to support her - but who is supporting you?
Do you not think that by going home each week you are actually facilitating this situation to continue?
I am not saying it is your fault far from it - you are the victim here - but there comes a point where you just have to step back - look at what you can do to stop something and sometimes that call has to be to remove yourself from an environment that is so obviously toxic.

Maybe discuss this with your GP / therapist later - not sure this is the right thing to do - but it is what I did a few years ago when a family member would not help themselves. Being around them was dragging me into a pit with them, and the only way I could see daylight was by limiting contact. Things are better now - but at the time this was all I could do.

LegacyUser

I am just so used to going up and down home every week, taking a step back is a problem in which I am going to have, but I will get there eventually I hope!

I think I am just so used to being there for her, even though I hate her for not getting out of the situation that she has remained in for years, as well as the fact she has had various opportunties to get out but refuses to do so, it's normal for her.

I don't know who I have to turn to, nobody knows outside my family what's going on except for my GP, councellor and psyciatrist. I feel as if I could never discuss such things with my friends as they may not understand and I don't want them to look at me any differently. I want to try and live life as normally as possible!

Limiting contact seems to look like the way forward, can I do it thats the question?