Is this appropriate?

LegacyUser

Hi there,
So, I have a friend in the UK who's having her 30th b-day party in a couple of months. I am currently saving like crazy to go travelling later in the year. her party is a few weeks before I leave. As it stands I don't intend on going, and used the travelling as an excuse (that I need every penny I can get). I visited this friend only a month ago. The thing is when I said I won't be able to make it, she went mad at me, and has been giving digs ever since.
To be perfectly honest, there real reason why I don't want to go is that I have no interest whatsoever in going to the party. I am feeling increasingly irritated by this friend as she is really self-absorbed, phone coversation are approx 80% about her, or something connected with her. Whenever I have something to talk about, I find more often than not she'll zone out. When I was over a month ago, I noticed all throughout the weekend, she was rabbitting on about herself, her boyf, her dog, her everything. She's not totallly unbearable I have to say, but I'm just feeling a bit used or something, like I'm there to serve her.
Just another example: 2 years ago, (her 28th b-day this time) I popped over for the w/e. I almost didn't as my Dad had just had brain haemorrage. All was ok, and he got out of hosp so I went to see friend anyway. i was there for 3/4 days, and she didn't once ask how he was doing. I only really remarked on this, when one of her friends arrived on the sat (I know this friend of herx reasonably well) came right over to me in the sitting room, and asked how my Dad was doing. I was truly disgusted when I reflected on my friend's self-absorption afterwards.

So this time round 30th or not, I really feel like making some kind of stand.
Should I speak to her, and tell her the real reason why I'm not going to go, and see if our friendship can be more balanced? Or, should I just go over. I have savings, and she'll throw that at me if I use lack on money as excuse.
Sometimes, I feel like just cutting her out of my life though.

Kevster

Don't go to it at all. It seems that trying to maintain the relationship is proving futile, and is only decreasing your morale. that is simply not acceptable. So, just move on wit your life. people take different directions in life all of the time, and it's simply pointless trying to remain close to everyone we encounter in life.

I suggest that you just don't answer her calls or SMS messages. You've made it quite apparent in your post here that you do'nt like her, so why remain in touch?

Kevin

LegacyUser

I'm with Kevster. Don't go. From your post I can't see one reason why you should and I think you know this too. This "friend" is a user, is self obsessed and by the sounds of it only wants you there so she can rabbit on about herself!

What are you getting out of this friendship? Nothing by the sounds of it, btw does she ever to bother to visit you?

Save your money stay at home and spend your time and money on real friends and family. I'd tell her exactly why you aren't going and tell her you'd prefer not to stay in touch. And don't let her guilt trip you. I learned how pointless friendships like this were years ago and now only put effort in to the friendships where I receive the same level of effort (ie contact, visits etc)

Enjoy the freedom cutting ties with this person gives you! (BTW I hope your Dad recovered ok)

Cheap Thrills!

Cut her off.

The cheek of her demanding that you make a trip abroad to attend her 30th. Shes 30 not fooking 13. I hate that carry on from adults, its pathetic.

As for her tantrum when you said you wern't going, infantile.

Her behaviour when your Dad was ill was unforgivable. Stop contacting her if she asks why be straight. However don't expect her to listen or accept what you are telling her. People like that prefer to remain in denial about their behaviour.

She will probably get hysterical and twist it all back on you and then blank you and tell everyone you were jealous of her party/dog/boyfriend. Don't rise to it, as people like this get older they haemmorage friends as people begin to see through them.

I've cut off one like her before. Never regretted it, just felt relieved.

Cunsiderthis

dunno_really wrote: »

Hi there,
So, I have a friend in the UK who's having her 30th b-day party in a couple of months. I am currently saving like crazy to go travelling later in the year. her party is a few weeks before I leave. As it stands I don't intend on going, and used the travelling as an excuse (that I need every penny I can get). I visited this friend only a month ago. The thing is when I said I won't be able to make it, she went mad at me, and has been giving digs ever since.
To be perfectly honest, there real reason why I don't want to go is that I have no interest whatsoever in going to the party. I am feeling increasingly irritated by this friend as she is really self-absorbed, phone coversation are approx 80% about her, or something connected with her. Whenever I have something to talk about, I find more often than not she'll zone out. When I was over a month ago, I noticed all throughout the weekend, she was rabbitting on about herself, her boyf, her dog, her everything. She's not totallly unbearable I have to say, but I'm just feeling a bit used or something, like I'm there to serve her.
Just another example: 2 years ago, (her 28th b-day this time) I popped over for the w/e. I almost didn't as my Dad had just had brain haemorrage. All was ok, and he got out of hosp so I went to see friend anyway. i was there for 3/4 days, and she didn't once ask how he was doing. I only really remarked on this, when one of her friends arrived on the sat (I know this friend of herx reasonably well) came right over to me in the sitting room, and asked how my Dad was doing. I was truly disgusted when I reflected on my friend's self-absorption afterwards.

So this time round 30th or not, I really feel like making some kind of stand.
Should I speak to her, and tell her the real reason why I'm not going to go, and see if our friendship can be more balanced? Or, should I just go over. I have savings, and she'll throw that at me if I use lack on money as excuse.
Sometimes, I feel like just cutting her out of my life though.

As Niles Crane used to say in that wonderful sitcom, Frasier, you already know the answer to the question you are posing.

I wouldn't tell her the real reason, as it seems pointless and is more likely to end up in an argument.

If you have a "friend" who just puts pressure on you, is either not interested in your life to the extent that she seems unconcerned or unaware that you left your father just after a brain haemorrhage, to go to her, and didn't even ask about him, or you, and if you can't make her party ( in another country) she is like to "throw" lack of money as an excuse, then the answer appears obvious.

dunno_really wrote: »

Sometimes, I feel like just cutting her out of my life though.

Apart from your history together, what is it about this friend that you find so attractive that you are prepared to put up with her apparent self centered behaviour and her lack of interest in you?

cafecolour

Flying to the UK for a birthday party seems a little elaborate even if you got on swimmingly. I mean, it's just a party. You can go if you're in the mood for a party or a weekend away, but honestly, if I was having friends fly over to visit I'd almost rather them come not all at once at a party when I couldn't give any of them proper attention.

Anyway, if you don't feel like you get anything out of the relationship, I'd let it slowly fade away.

I wouldn't say anything about not going because she's so attention-centric. She either gets upset and it turns into drama or a blow-up. Or for some reason she apologises and promises to do better - and then the next time you see her is her birthday, the one time when its legit for her to be the center of attention and she has to try and compensate.

If you really want to keep the friendship, either go to the party and have it out with her after the party, or skip the party and have it out with her after your travels, but I couldn't see much good of coming of a confrontation coming before hand.

wylo

The only time itd be considered normal to fly to another country for a gathering is weddings and funerals.
I dont think you really need an excuse but then again Im not in your situation, you've already told her you need to go traveling. Just insist that you need every penny, maybe make up some excuse about extra expenses you werent expecting.

Theres another angle too though, you could go over and have a fantastic time. If you really really think thats not going to be case just leave it.

LegacyUser

OP here.
thanks for the responses guys!
I'm not going to go. I know 'wylo' mentioned that I could go over and have a great time. I don't think that will happen, I know a handful of the ppl who will be there, which in one way is good as I'll not be lost, but I'd rather spend the E100 or whatver heading out in Dublin for the night, with some of my more genuine friends. My UK friend will simply say thanks for coming, but I wouldn't feel like she reallly appreciates it. I think I need to stand up to her a bit.
If she asked why I'm not coming, I might actually tell her the truth. She's not a horrible person, she's just a 'talker', whereas others like myself are 'listeners'. I have other 'talker' friends, but they're not self-absorbed to her extent. Also this friend doesn't mean to be so self-absorbed, I think she inherited it from her mum, and she complains about how her mum doens't always listen to her. But at the end of the day it's not good enough, I feel now like it's time to speak up a little. Give her the chance to cop on a bit... I don't think I should simply ignore her, and cut her off completely.