How does this usually work out?

LegacyUser

My apologies if this is the wrong place to post this. I would like to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.

I have been dating a guy for 3 years, living together 1 year, engaged 1 week. Our relationship works very well. I have one problem and to be honest I'm afraid it could be a deal breaker.

Basically he has a 5 year old from a previous relationship. I met her one year into our relationship and she lives with us 3 days per week. Although I have no real issue with her (I love her to bits) I do find myself resenting certain things. Essentially I feel like I have a child 3 days a week (4 hours sleep last night because she was sick) but at the same time I get none of the benefits (school plays / parent teacher meetings etc). I even find myself getting jealous when she says her mum is the best in the world (I know this is stupid, but although I didn't actually giving birth to her I wash feed and clothe her too).
I'm only 24 and I'm wondering do I really need this.

Am I a bad person to think he should get up with her so that I can get some sleep at night?
Am I wrong to think he shouldn't always asume that I will take her if he has to work late or wants to go for a pint?

I am thinking about taking a step back but I really don't know where to start?
Is there anyone else in my position? Any advice or tips to share?
I have spoken to my OH about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from....

LegacyUser

"I have been dating a guy for 3 years, living together 1 year, engaged 1 week. Our relationship works very well. I have one problem and to be honest I'm afraid it could be a deal breaker."

I know it might not be very helpful but isn't it a bit late to be addressing this now ?

3 years ago you knew he had a child (i presume he told you early on), when you moved in a year ago you knew the situation, and a WEEK ago your accepted his offer or marriage!

And now this might be a dealbreaker?

I'm confused tbh.

metrovelvet

No you are not wrong. He is assuming you to be his babysitter and to do his job. You know it, his daugher probably knows it and deep down he knows it too. This stuff is not your job. You should not be washing her, feeding her, getting up with her when she is ill. Her father should be doing all that.

If parenting is a thankless job, then so is step parenting. If you are resenting her then it would indicate that you havent fully understood or accepted your circumstances. No matter what you do for her, her mum will always be the best in the world because she is her mum. And that is how it should be.

And by the way, its all a pretty strong alarm bell of what he would be like if you and he had a child. You would be doing all of it.

Just stop doing stuff before the precedent gets set it stone.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

If parenting is a thankless job, then so is step parenting. If you are resenting her then it would indicate that you havent fully understood or accepted your circumstances. No matter what you do for her, her mum will always be the best in the world because she is her mum. And that is how it should be.

And by the way, its all a pretty strong alarm bell of what he would be like if you and he had a child. You would be doing all of it.

Just stop doing stuff before the precedent gets set it stone.

I do understand that her mum will alwys be the best, I didn't mean to sound like I wanted to be better than her. I was just trying to give an example of a typical thing she would say after I have just brought her to the zoo or spent the last hour making hand puppets with her.

I also didn't mean to sound like he makes me do everything, he doesn't. But as she is living with us 3 days a week she has gotten into the habit of asking me to wash her hair or wipe her bum etc.... the waking up at night thing is because he is a Very heavy sleeper the house alam could go off and he wouldn't wake up! He is a great Dad though.

Cheap Thrills!

Dontwannabemum wrote: »

Am I a bad person to think he should get up with her so that I can get some sleep at night?
Am I wrong to think he shouldn't always asume that I will take her if he has to work late or wants to go for a pint?

No. If you are allowing this to go on then simply stop. No way should you be doing any of this. He should.

Dontwannabemum wrote: »

I have spoken to my OH about it but I don't think he really gets where I'm coming from....

I'd say he is pretending he doesn't 'get' where you are coming from. He is not going to spoil a good thing. Think about it, you are getting up in the night for HIS child, whats he doing? Lying asleep?

Its all to convenient for him.

gerrycollins

Considering its only 3 nights can he not give up his social life for the sake of his child which means that you get more family time. He sounds a bit immature really not taking any part in his own childs need especially when sick.

Does he get to see the school plays/parent teacher meeting etc? That alone might bring into the light his own view of his child who I no doubt believe he loves dearly but would he step in front of a bus for her.

as a married father of three i try, where I can, to share the duties with my wife when the night terrors kick in and the demands for cuddle are all too important before bed and bottles been fed and nappies need changing however personally as a heavey sleeper my wife is the one that wakes up and kicks me out of the bed or she does it herself.

I think the nights the child is over you have to make it clear to your OH that everything is on the line for the sake of the child and if the child so much as coughs that its all or nothing. He need to be attentitive to the child and you and may not know what to do but has to help you do it.

I know when my son has a hight terror im useless but my wife is brillant however im at her beck and call to get blankets bottles cuddly toy etc while she looks after other stuff that im usleless at even if ite 4am and im up in another hour.

you could also try the sex ban???

mylittlepony

And by the way, its all a pretty strong alarm bell of what he would be like if you and he had a child. You would be doing all of it.

+1

Where was he when you look after HIS sick child at 4am?
If he was asleep - WTF? His child sick and he is sleeping :mad:
why are you doing it?
He had already taken advantage of you. and he will do it when ye have ye own.
Nip it in the bud now.

You are right, you should not have to look after his child when he want a night out, work late or more sleep.
Thats is up to him to sort out with mother of child.

This is his child from a previous relationship, he should be doing the parenting role not you.
Why did they split? Could it be that he was a selfish partner/parent with her?
You are only 24, do you need this hassle?
Eventually it will be your turn when the time right and it should be 50/50 shared parenting responsiblilty.

Yes, take a step back.

LegacyUser

OP, not only is he taking the p*ss, but as a single parent myself, I would be appalled if I thought my ex's girlfriend was caring for my son more than her own father.
Yes I understand that this (perhaps) comes naturally to you - lets be honest, no one would leave a sick child to cry while their father slept? You are to be commended for how you have coped to date.
But if the resentment is kicking in, that will only build and build....
You need to say it to him OP. Get him to read your original post.
He had had a very easy life so far, as far as I can see...he's a lucky man.
You on the other hand, haven't had it so easy...time to change things oP!

theg81der

I am ten years into a similar situation. Firstly I would say RUN if I had the chance again I would, its too hard and it only gets harder - again thou thats me.

I would definetely take a giant step back, you are a childless woman who is 24 and engaged you should be living the life, having a ball, shopping, meeting friends, going out, having crazy hot sex with your new fiance not cleaning up sick and babysitting or if you are you should be getting huge credit from himself for it, doesn`t sound like your getting any appreciation.

Now I have to say thou I know where your coming from, I adore my step daughter, we have the best relationship and now that she`s 11 its a different ball game and I feel privilaged to have been around to watch her get to this stage. Its so much easier now with her, but not with the situation that never get any easier.

chocgirl

I hate saying this but I'd be very careful. It's very early days, you're not even married yet, you're not happy and he's already taking advantage of the situation.

He's not that great a Dad either if he doesn't get up to be with his sick child.

3 days a week is a lot as well, if it was one day at the weekend it'd be more understandable but for nearly half of your time! Your partner should be a very appreciative that you're so helpful and should make sure he is doing the bulk of the childminding.

Gyalist

gerrycollins wrote: »

you could also try the sex ban???

Huh?!? You can't be serious. Whatever about the OP becoming the primary caregiver when her fiance's daughter visits, that suggestion of yours is only guaranteed to increase tensions in the relationship. Sex should never be used a a bargaining chip in a mature relationship.

gerrycollins

Gyalist wrote: »

Huh?!? You can't be serious. Whatever about the OP becoming the primary caregiver when her fiance's daughter visits, that suggestion of yours is only guaranteed to increase tensions in the relationship. Sex should never be used a a bargaining chip in a mature relationship.

the thing is i dont think the OP's OH is very mature in the first place leaving her to be primary carer to his child. Also the fact that for the 3 nights that the child is over he goes out drinking and arranging his life without due consideration for the gf and child. While sometimes it has to be done that a social event or evening activity clashes with the childs visit it sounds to me that its his will to do what he wants to and leaves the OP holding the baby.

while I'd admit it was a fool hardy comment I left it till last because I would consider it a last resort.

ash23

I'm torn about my answer to this one.

On the one hand I think he is taking advantage and it shouldn't be up to the OP to be the one getting up and babysitting all the time.

On the other hand, I have a child. I'm a single parent. And while I wouldn't expect a potential partner to be totally responsible for my child, especially not in the early days, by the time it was at the point where we were engaged etc I would expect them to be taking on a step parenting role and being involved in the day to day stuff that goes with a child.

I mean, if I were living with someone and was planning on marrying them and having more children with them, well I wouldn't want them treating my child any differently to how they were planning on treating our children.

I wouldn't want my daughter to feel "different" or a separate entity to the "new" family.

Now, the child in question has a mother so clearly this role is filled and OP, you will NEVER be as important to the child as her mom. Thats just the way it is. You have to find a different role but one that doesn't make the child "different" from the other children you intend on having.

I would absolutely say to your fiancee that you aren't happy with the balance you guys have in terms of caring for the child, that you have to work as part of a team and parent her together while she is there. But I wouldn't be so quick to play the "she's not mine" card.

If the man I was planning on marrying said he didn't wish to parent my daughter with me as she isn't his, well, it wouldn't be my daughter who was going anywhere.
You knew he had a child. You chose to date him move in with him and agree to marry him. She is part of the package.
Does that mean he can use you as a glorified sitter? No. Does it mean you have to get up every night to her? No. But that would apply even if she were biologically yours and his.

You need to concentrate on the issue which is that he is being lazy and taking you for granted. You can't change the fact that the child is part of this. You can't change the fact that you are not her mother. But she did nothing to deserve your resentment.

The issue isn't with the child. It's with your partner so don't make it about her.

metrovelvet

ash23 wrote: »

On the other hand, I have a child. I'm a single parent. And while I wouldn't expect a potential partner to be totally responsible for my child, especially not in the early days, by the time it was at the point where we were engaged etc I would expect them to be taking on a step parenting role and being involved in the day to day stuff that goes with a child.

I mean, if I were living with someone and was planning on marrying them and having more children with them, well I wouldn't want them treating my child any differently to how they were planning on treating our children.

Hmnnn.... that's a tough one alright. I think I would be a bit different about it. Although it would get tricky if you had children with the step parent as well.

I wouldnt expect a step father to be getting up and doing parental roles just as I wouldnt want him disciplining either or making decisions over the child's fate. But it would be nice if he were supportive of me in my role.... so for example if the child were sick all night maybe doing a little extra the next day to take some of the pressure off, like the meals and tidy up or a little extra playtime with the child or something like that.

The step parenting role is kind of a free for all in that it depends [i think] on the circumstances of the individual family.

OP is too young to be raising someone else's child and she might be thinking she is doing the right thing but she is enabling her OH lazy ass to stay lazy.

LegacyUser

"OP is too young to be raising someone else's child"

No way is 24 too young to be raising someone else's child. She could have had her own child since she 15! And raising the child is part of the package she's chosen - that's the way it is and that's the life she wants for herself.

But you're right, Metrovelvet, she should be careful or she'll end up raising it on her own - and that's NOT a good idea. You've hit the nail on the head with "she is enabling her OH lazy ass to stay lazy".

OP, don't make a row about it but stop taking all the responsibility and stop it immediately. Be too tired to get up in the night etc. If all fails and you have to get up, bring the child back to your bed then go sleep in her bed - "she wanted her Daddy". Stop always being in at night when she's visiting, go visit a friend or go to the cinema. Not every time and be nice about it, but enough to upset the apple cart and make him not rely on your being available. It's a behaviour that's very hard to argue against because each occasion is a little thing but eats at your relationship.

Good luck with it. I was married to a man who behaved just like that. I was always the one to sort the house, collect the kids, do the homework, make the dinner, do the bedtime, take them places because if I didn't it wouldn't happen - no dinner, no bedtime stories, no afterschool activities etc. So I wasn't able to sort it myself and was one of the main resentments in our marriage. Do it now before the habit is set in stone.