Is he being fair..

LegacyUser

With my OH for 5 years now and we're very happily living together for 3. He has 4 children with his ex wife and we all get along splendidly.. They don't live with us but visit very regularly and I love them to bits, and vice versa.
We live in his apartment and I pay him rent, fine, however at this stage of my life I would like to have a place to call my own. I've suggested to him that we look at buying somewhere together and he's not pushed because to quote he "wants his house for his children when he's gone" I've explained to him that I would never take something from his children that is rightfully theirs, and we would do everything by the book, and legally, but still no... I also feel it would be nice to have more room for his children when they come to stay, a garden etc... I'm at a loss, I can't afford somewhere on my own, and feel it should be a natural stepping stone in our relationship. Am I being unreasonable by wanting this? Has anybody else come up against this? For the record, his Ex has no stake in his home, so that's not an issue.

Ickle Magoo

Do you mean you want him to sell the home his ex and kids currently live in?

LegacyUser

God no.. He's separated 8 years, at the time they sold their joint home and he bought our current home shortly after, the ex has her own home too... No I'm not trying to put anyone on the street or anything, as I said I've a fantastic relationship with the kids, and get on quite well with the ex, though admittedly don't see her very often. He has his house which is far to small for the kids when they come to stay, it's cabin fever city, I just feel if we pooled our resources we could have a much bigger/nicer place, and nobody would lose out in the long run... Or even the short run..

Ickle Magoo

I get you now, sorry for the confusion, the alternative just sounds a bit strange; he doesn't want to buy a house with you because you will get the house if he dies and not his kids, have I got it this time?

If that's the case then no, I don't think he's being very fair to you - are you sure that's the real reason behind it? It sounds very odd that his motivation for not doing something now is based on something that should happen very many years from now.

If that's the way he wants it then I think you have a decision to make, can you keep going with the status quo or would you rather find someone else who can make the comittment to you.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hey, yeh, that seems to be it in a nutshell, he seems worried that he'll have nothing to "leave" his kids.. I've tried telling him that his children aren't waiting around for him to pop his clogs so they can share a small apartment between them, and that they will make their own way in life and will get what's theirs eventually, be it a "full" property or a share in one. Honestly they'd much prefer him to be happy, and they know he is with me.. He's very wary about getting himself in too deep mortgage wise as his job isn't always secure, my reasoning is that if we had a joint place, then I'd be contributing an awful lot more than I'm willing to do now, so some of the financial pressure would in fact be taken off him. I know he loves me to distraction, but his constant reluctance and fear of the future can get us both down.

seenitall

Hmmm... whatever about loving you to distraction, no, he is most definitely not being fair on you, or considerate of your needs.

When people are unhappy or dissatisfied about things in their relationship, I always think it is a good idea to ask yourself how you will feel 5 or 10 years down the line, when you are probably still together, with the very same issue on the table, unresolved... one partner's dissatisfaction can become a major bone of contention in an otherwise ok relationship.

All I am saying is, this is best dealt with as soon as possible. You should be talking to him and letting him know how important this issue is for you (I myself would justifiably, I think, take it as a general indication of how commited to the relationship he intends to be - or not, as the case may be).

The more you talk with him about this and your future in general, the more you will know about him and the kind of future he has in mind for the two of you. I know a lot of men prefer not to think about future, instead just letting it happen, but TBH, as a father of four, it is obvious he is no longer in that category, so it is time to start seriously considering your present and future needs. Love to distraction is a lovely and wonderful thing; maturity, integrity and consideration are even better.

The best of luck!

mylittlepony

How are old are the kids?
How often they stay over?

Do you really need to move to a bigger place just for the kids?
Eventually they will be over 18 and have their own lives and own place/house to live and would not need tobe staying over.

When you say you are paying rent, are you helping to cover the cost of the mortagage and bills?
If yes, shold ye be joint owners of the apartment?
If not and he fully owed the place, do you feel like a live in lodger?
I wouldnt like that myself?

Is this what getting you, that you dont have a solid home with your name on it with his?
What not get your own place.
Some long term partners/couples do not live together but have thier own homes and visit each other.

Does he want to marry again or do you?
if he does not, maybe this is somehow related to his reluctance of buying a home together cos naturally the next step would be marriage.
Just a thought.

metrovelvet

Wendy House wrote: »

With my OH for 5 years now and we're very happily living together for 3. He has 4 children with his ex wife and we all get along splendidly.. They don't live with us but visit very regularly and I love them to bits, and vice versa.
We live in his apartment and I pay him rent, fine, however at this stage of my life I would like to have a place to call my own. I've suggested to him that we look at buying somewhere together and he's not pushed because to quote he "wants his house for his children when he's gone" I've explained to him that I would never take something from his children that is rightfully theirs, and we would do everything by the book, and legally, but still no... I also feel it would be nice to have more room for his children when they come to stay, a garden etc... I'm at a loss, I can't afford somewhere on my own, and feel it should be a natural stepping stone in our relationship. Am I being unreasonable by wanting this? Has anybody else come up against this? For the record, his Ex has no stake in his home, so that's not an issue.

I think people who have already been married or partnered up and then split are too aware that feelings change and that one day you may change your mind and want the property. And legally you would be more entiltled to it than his children, even if there was a will involved. [Am open to being corrected but am pretty sure that is the case]. And with upcoming cohabitation bills floating around the dail commitees, this could make him a little more nervous.

However, I do think it is unfair that you are paying for part of his mortgage. But then again as a renter I am paying someone else's mortgage too.

theg81der

God your really nice, he`s being completely unfair. Does he see you having any future at all? Do you not want kids at all yourself - grand if you don`t just curious. Your very accepting of a difficult situation and I would feel that you`ve paid your dues for lack of a better way of putting it. He need to man up and give your relationship it rightful position or let you go.

LegacyUser

Could you try to see a family law solicitor together for a consultation? Check out reputations and go to see a good one.

I understand where he's coming from. His kids are part of him. Leaving them his place is a way of keeping continuity with them, kind of keeping the faith with them even though he doesn't live with them anymore. He's afraid of change as he thinks he may lose that faith with them.

But it's hardly sustainable for you either to have no stake in your own home into the future.

A family law solicitor that he trusts (recommended by his friends...?) may be able to set his mind at rest about ways he can protect his legacy to the children.

Or even if you could rent out his place and rent a new place together where you have equal input?

You do need to consider the new legislation on co-habiting couples too. It's important.