I fancy a girl who's with someone

wellies

I've met a girl through work and I really fancy her.
However, she is living with a guy.
We get on well. Chat easily and she is good company. The chemistry is there.
I've sensed she might like me too.
We get on quite well. She doesn't work with me directly. So, I don't see her every day.
I really like her, but don't want to upset her by asking her out. However, I would like her to know that I do like her. I don't want to play a guessing game. At least if she knows I quite like her and would like to get to know her better it is up to her to make the next move, if she wishes.
So, my questions here are as follows:

Should I tell her I like her or is that being very selfish and crossing that invisible white line between singles and couples?
If the answer is yes, what exactly should I say to her to let her know I would like to be romantically involved with her?
Would she be annoyed with me telling her I like her,having told me casually about her bf?
Or should I just forget the whole thing?

Many thanks,
W

Elessar

If she has a boyfriend STAY AWAY from her. She is not available forget her move on!

Don't tread on someone else's turf.

neuro-praxis

I don't agree. The above opinion is pretty insecure imo.

If someone is unmarried (or doesn't have a child with their partner) they are for all intents and purposes still single.

I think you should go ahead and tell her how you feel. If her relationship is strong, she'll stay with her boyfriend. If it's crap, she might take this opportunity to move on from him which for you means happy days.

(Now here I don't mean encourage her to cheat with you - I mean let her know you are an option for her, should she choose to end her current relationship.)

Obviously, if her partner were a friend of yours, that would be different.

wellies

To Elessar: Thanks for your advice. I have thought that way. But, why would she be so friendly. Like saying she enjoyed meeting me and looked forward to meeting again? Is she flirting? Or are all girls in relationships that open?

To Neuro: Thanks for your comments. I don't know the bf. And don't want to!! I was thinking of asking her to meet for coffee. If she automatically says yes then she doesn't have a prob meeting me. If she asks me why I want to meet her for coffee then she is prob trying to suss me out.
Would you tell her either way that I like her?

neuro-praxis

The worst thing that can happen is she'll say she's in a happy relationship and thanks but no thanks.

If she refuses coffee just accept it and leave it.

Sure, that'll sting. But then you can move on.

Best case scenario she says yes, admits she likes you and dumps her boyfriend.

Taltos

neuro-praxis wrote: »

The worst thing that can happen is she'll say she's in a happy relationship and thanks but no thanks.

If she refuses coffee just accept it and leave it.

Sure, that'll sting. But then you can move on.

Best case scenario she says yes, admits she likes you and dumps her boyfriend.

And then you will be the BF - wondering who she is going to dump you for. True path to head-wreckdom.
Do you really want to be with someone who stays with their current partner until someone better comes along.
If you do and you are secure in the knowledge that no-one better will interrupt your relationship - by all means go for it.

ziedth

It's a terrible idea OP,

I have been down this road before there was a mrs ziedth. I can tell you From experience that her saying " thanks but no thanks" is by far not the worst thing that can happen.

She is LIVING with the OH so I can only assume she loves him. You can end up looking really really bad out of this.

Handsome Bob

wellies wrote: »

Should I tell her I like her or is that being very selfish and crossing that invisible white line between singles and couples?
If the answer is yes, what exactly should I say to her to let her know I would like to be romantically involved with her?
Would she be annoyed with me telling her I like her,having told me casually about her bf?
Or should I just forget the whole thing?

Put yourself in the boyfriend's shoes. Would you be happy if another guy didn't take you seriously as this woman's boyfriend? If you honestly feel that it wouldn't bother you then by all means put your neck on the line.

Personally though, and this is just me, but I would respect boundaries and show her boyfriend some respect. Look at it like this, say you're in a club with your girlfriend. It's clear that you're a couple, but some guy brazenly approaches anyway and starts chatting up your girlfriend. Would you not feel insulted by this bloke? I know I would.

Dark Phoenix

neuro-praxis wrote: »

If someone is unmarried (or doesn't have a child with their partner) they are for all intents and purposes still single.

I am a bit shocked by that. I live with my boyfriend we have no kids I am 100% NOT single. Not everyone feels they have to be married to be committed to each other!

OP there are plenty of girls out there and by focussing all your time and energy one one who is already taken you could be missing out on potential girlfriends who are free and single.

If you do ask her out and she refuses she will probably start to avoid you and will be afraid to be friendly to you in case it makes you think she is into you. Now of course she may jump at the chance but as someone else rightly said do you really want to be with someone who would cheat on a partner or dump their current one for someone knew?

By the way, just because a girl is friendly and says they enjoyed meeting you does not mean they are into you. She works with you she could simply be trying to get to know her colleagues and could be friendly with everyone. There are plenty of men I work with who I enjoy chatting to and working with it does not mean I have any interest in them outside of that

Hrududu

It all depends on what sort of person you want to be. If you chat and enjoy her company at work and leave it at that then you are respecting that she is in a relationship. If you pursue her knowing that she has a boyfriend then that would make you a bit of a pr!ck.

Kimia

neuro-praxis wrote: »

If someone is unmarried (or doesn't have a child with their partner) they are for all intents and purposes still single.

I too am horrified and offended by this. I live with my partner and neither of us are single 'for all intents and purposes'.

Just because we haven't gotten married yet or haven't had a child doesn't mean we are any less committed than any other couple.

However I would say to the OP to tell her how he feels, and after that she can make up her mind. But there is no need to undermine their relationship just because they're arent' married or have a child.

meditraitor

wellies wrote: »

I've met a girl through work and I really fancy her.
However, she is living with a guy.
We get on well. Chat easily and she is good company. The chemistry is there.
I've sensed she might like me too.
We get on quite well. She doesn't work with me directly. So, I don't see her every day.
I really like her, but don't want to upset her by asking her out. However, I would like her to know that I do like her. I don't want to play a guessing game. At least if she knows I quite like her and would like to get to know her better it is up to her to make the next move, if she wishes.
So, my questions here are as follows:

Should I tell her I like her or is that being very selfish and crossing that invisible white line between singles and couples?
If the answer is yes, what exactly should I say to her to let her know I would like to be romantically involved with her?
Would she be annoyed with me telling her I like her,having told me casually about her bf?
Or should I just forget the whole thing?

Many thanks,
W

Have you not considered the fact that because she is aware that you know she is cohabiting with her partner she might feel at ease with you (wrongly) knowing you wont try anything on.....

Forget about it and move on

Kimia

Kimia wrote: »

I too am horrified and offended by this. I live with my partner and neither of us are single 'for all intents and purposes'.

Just because we haven't gotten married yet or haven't had a child doesn't mean we are any less committed than any other couple.

However I would say to the OP to tell her how he feels, and after that she can make up her mind. But there is no need to undermine their relationship just because they're arent' married or have a child.

+1

Some couples never get married for various reasons. Doesn't make them single.

S23

Absolutely agree with the others on this. That is one of the most ridiculous and ill concieved statements I have ever heard/read. Honestly, I don't know where you pulled that one from.

One quick example, I know an unmarried couple with no kids who have been together for 18 years. By your logic they are for all intents and purposes single. I don't f**king think so!

Anyway, as far as the OP's 'problem' goes.
You can a) act like a man and respect the boundaries of another couples relationship or b) chance your arm and see if you can wedge yourself between them and break them up.

If you choose the latter option and succeed try not to be too stunned or horrified when you get dumped a little further down the line for the next upgrade.

Also, if you choose the second option and regardless of the outcome don't be surprised if the woman in questions boyfriend wants to have a word with you at the very least.

LegacyUser

I'm very happily going out with someone for 5+ years yet i still agree with neuro-praxis. Whilst you are only going out you are saying to the other person "I've like/love you , I'm happy where this is going so i will stay with you". If the circumstances change there is little holding them together except a lot of heart-ache and perhaps a change in social spheres. It is totally different if you have a kid, and less so if you are married. I suppose a hybrid is if you co-own a house in the current climate.

If some guy takes a liking to my missus, he can try his luck, if im doing my job in keeping her happy with us then there is no issue, he wont get very far. If i'm being a lousy boyfriend and somebody more suitable comes her way and she leaves him for me I would be devastated. But would i resent her for picking what makes her happy? Not a chance. We owe it to ourselves to find what is best.

I'm not unfaithful , i love her dearly but i just look at it realistically. There was no call for dibs on her and now shes mine until we tire of each other. If would be suitors try to vie for her attention let them come

I say let her know, dont be inappropriate as she is someone's girlfriend but let her know that you like her and if she was single you would pursue her more. Either way you leave yourself open to be toyed with a bit as she knows your keen and she may never end it with her boyfriend. Wouldn't advise doing anything with her whilst she is going out with him, you will only become the scapegoat for her guilt.

Barracudaincork

S23 wrote: »

try not to be too stunned or horrified when you get dumped a little further down the line for the next upgrade.

Why would you automatically assume she would be looking for an upgrade later down the line? Maybe she will find mr right with this guy? Surely anytime someone breaks up with someone they look for an upgrade, if the two people arent meant to be together it doesnt really matter when the person realises they want to upgrade (either prior to the break up or after), its only wrong if they act on it before breaking up with that person.

go for it wrote: »

If some guy takes a liking to my missus, he can try his luck, if im doing my job in keeping her happy with us then there is no issue, he wont get very far. If i'm being a lousy boyfriend and somebody more suitable comes her way and she leaves him for me I would be devastated. But would i resent her for picking what makes her happy? Not a chance. We owe it to ourselves to find what is best.

+ 1

S23

Well call me old fashioned but I am of the opinion that everyone should be able to afford a person in a relationship the respect and common decency of not hitting on their partner.

I understand the argument being made that if the lad she is with is not the right person, hes not the right person. However, let the girl in the realtionship with him tell him that and be honest about it. She's part of the relationship. Its up to her to tell the boyfriend and move on from there. If she thinks her current boyfriend isn't Mr Right and she thinks that the OP could be then she owes her boyfriend the courtesy of telling him that.

Waiting around to see if something better comes along is sneaky at best. And why would I automatically assume she would be looking for an upgrade further down the line?
Of course I don't know the individual personally and of course I haven't a crystal ball to see the future. However, I've found that the type of person that sneaks around behind their current partners back and waits for a 'better deal' to come along before jumping ship generally tend to repeat the process.

As far as I can tell this girl hasn't told her boyfriend she's unhappy with him. She hasn't expressed any romantic interest in the OP? So yeah, in my opinion hitting on someone else girlfriend is wholly inappropriate. And if it turns out she is waiting for a better deal to come along but unwilling to be honest with her boyfriend about it then yeah she does, in my opinion, fall into a certain bracket

EDIT

Also the girl in question is living with her boyfriend which implies there is a degree of seriousness to the relationship. If it was just some lad she had been seeing for a month or two it would change the parameters somewhat but living together, generally, does imply a seriousness in a relationship

iguana

wellies wrote: »

To Elessar: Thanks for your advice. I have thought that way. But, why would she be so friendly. Like saying she enjoyed meeting me and looked forward to meeting again?

Have you ever considered that she is so friendly with you because she likes you as a friend. She has no agenda other than that which she is being open about. She likes you, enjoys your company and wants to be your friend.

Beetlebum

I'm in the exact same situation myself at the moment except it's a guy in work that I'm really mad into. He's been with his gf for 5 years and they live together.
We get on really well, go for lunch together and even meet up occasionally outside work for pints but I wouldn't dream of telling this guy that I like him.

I think it's the height of disrespect to him, his gf and their relationship. It also undermines our friendship and makes it look like I had a hidden agenda all along when really I'm happy enough being friends.

Please OP do not tell her. The timing is wrong. She is taken, off limits, a no go area. If she becomes single then by all means tell her but be warned that she will need some time laone after her break up, some grieving space and most likely will wanna be isngle/play the field for some time.

Focus your affections elsewhere.

And Neuro-Praxis - I too am in shock at your sentiment that peopel need to be married or have a kid to be considered 'taken'. I never want to get married so by your logic I'll be single forever? Hmmm....I don't think so

neuro-praxis

The outrage in this thread genuinely made me chuckle. I do like a bit of controversy. :pac:

What are you all so worried and offended about? Fine if you don't consider yourselves single. Well, the state does. Anyone who loves their partner won't choose to abandon them for someone who takes them for coffee to confess their feelings!

I am married now, but before I was married there were a couple of occasions where men admitted to feelings for me, and my boyfriend at the time had the same experience. (Neither of us was ever interested in anyone else so nothing ever came of it.) How is this disrespectful? It's flattering!

I think there is tremendous insecurity being expressed here.

Beetlebum

I'm single at the moment ( as in not seeing anyone) so I'm not insecure at all about my boyfriend running away cause I haven't got one!
My bafflement at your post didn't stem from insecurity on my part, I just genuinely find it bizarre that you would consider a couple who have been together for say 10 years, who love each dearly but choose not to get married or have children, single! How can you deem a committed couple just because they never tied the knot?

neuro-praxis

Beetlebum wrote: »

I'm single at the moment ( as in not seeing anyone) so I'm not insecure at all about my boyfriend running away cause I haven't got one!
My bafflement at your post didn't stem from insecurity on my part, I just genuinely find it bizarre that you would consider a couple who have been together for say 10 years, who love each dearly but choose not to get married or have children, single! How can you deem a committed couple just because they never tied the knot?

Try thinking about it another way. Let's say this woman who's been with her partner ten years gets a new job. She meets a nice fella there. He knows she has a boyfriend but he also knows life is short, so he asks her out.

What harm has been done exactly?

Beetlebum

No harm done as such, I just find it disrespectful.

I was with my ex for a few years and we worked in the same company at one stage. A guy we both knew who knew we were together asked me out one day. I said no obviously. It made me look at him differently though. I had always liked him and thought he was sound but after he disrespected my relationship liek that I no longer trusted him or his motives when he was around me. It ruined our friendship basically.

LegacyUser

I'd tread carefully. You never know how the partner might react. Personal experience of mine was years ago when a colleague asked out another colleague, whom he knew was taken, on a date. She said no and somewhere down the line she mentioned it to her boyfriend in a sort of "oh you wouldn't quess what happened to me" kind of way. The boyfriend waited outside the building till my colleague finished work and then pushed him up against the wall with a knife to his stomach. Guards came and were talking to us and apparently your man was a well known criminal who had a lot of serious battery charges.
Obviously its unlikely her partner is this sort of psycho but I've seen the most placid people react in the most unlikely way when someone they love is involved.

I wouldn't do it not even because of the above experience but because of morals. If you know shes taken its not decent to do it and it could look very bad on you if your fellow colleagues found out. If she wants to get with you she'll leave her partner and tell you.

kjl

One of my ex's used to hang around with this guy who said **** to her like, I know you like me etc, She didn't, but she didn't want to be rude and hurt his feelings.

You are on the hook mate, clear as day, if she did have feeling for you she would be more available.

S23

neuro-praxis wrote: »

The outrage in this thread genuinely made me chuckle. I do like a bit of controversy. :pac:

I don't think its outrage. Its more bafflement at the blatant stupidity of one sweeping, catch all and totally inaccurate statement. It was such a silly thing to say, I think thats what people couldn't get their heads round.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Try thinking about it another way. Let's say this woman who's been with her partner ten years gets a new job. She meets a nice fella there. He knows she has a boyfriend but he also knows life is short, so he asks her out.

What harm has been done exactly?

If someone asked my missus out knowing full well we were in a long term relationship and living together i would find it offensive in the extreme.

Also, there is every chance that the woman in question in this case might be offended. Its clear as day she is spoken for, she hasn't given him a single reason to suggest she is interested in him romantically. She might be taken aback that he would do such a thing as it shows a lack of respect, as a supposed friend, and question his motives in the friendship in the first place.

If she wants anything more she will initiate it.

The course of action you are reccomending its fcuk everyone elses feelings, fcuk common decency and respect for a freind and her relationship. Fcuk the fact she hasn't given him any reason to think she wants to leave her boyfriend for him. Fcuk showing anyone any respect. Just wade in there like a neanderthal and try and get your own way and forget about anything else.

Grossly immature IMO

neuro-praxis

S23 wrote: »

I don't think its outrage. Its more bafflement at the blatant stupidity of one sweeping, catch all and totally inaccurate statement.

If you're unmarried/not in a civil partnership/common law marriage then by law you are considered single. There is a reason for this.

You are allowing your emotions to get in the way of the issue. Try being less defensive and ready to be insulted on such matters. That's my last word on the issue because your opinion of my statement is not particularly relevant to the OP.

(And by the way...the word outrage was explicitly used...:pac:)

iguana

neuro-praxis wrote: »

If you're unmarried/not in a civil partnership/common law marriage then by law you are considered single. There is a reason for this.

Yes by law. But the OP isn't a surgeon asking if he should tell this girl any details about her boyfriend's health. He isn't the taxman working out if she should be taxed on her inheritance from her dead boyfriend. He isn't a solicitor advising her on property or child guardianship.

He is a guy who likes a girl who is clearly in a relationship. The law has no relevance here whatsoever.

S23

neuro-praxis wrote: »

If you're unmarried/not in a civil partnership/common law marriage then by law you are considered single. There is a reason for this.

You are allowing your emotions to get in the way of the issue. Try being less defensive and ready to be insulted on such matters. That's my last word on the issue because your opinion of my statement is not particularly relevant to the OP.

(And by the way...the word outrage was explicitly used...:pac:)

That is a seriously weak argument. As stated, the law has nothing to do with this. We're not talking about the legality of anything here. No one, not even for one second, mentioned any question of anything being mooted as illegal. You really are clutching at straws there.

I'm not letting any emotions get in the way of anything for the record. It's not directly effecting me so it doesn't stir my emotions.

I do have an opinion on people behaving with no regard for other people. Its something you seem to condone though. You mentioned that you got chatted up while in a relationship before and enjoyed it.

What I'm pointing out is that not everyone wants/needs/gets a kick out of being asked out while clearly in a relationship. Not everybody sees this as a nice ego stroke as it appears you did.
A lot of people, based on the people i know, would be taken aback/offended if they were asked out by a supposed friend while clearly in a realtionship. Its not something a 'friend' would do. For a lot of people it would be interpreted as a gross lack of respect on many levels

I think you are in a very small minority if you think that having no regard for peoples feelings is alright. You asked in an earlier post what harm exactly could be done by asking out someone you know is in a relationship and I pointed out exactly what harm could be done.

This is all very relevant to the OP.

If this girl turns out to be the type to sneak off on her boyfriend and 'better deal' him at the first opportunity then so be it, shes a sneaky fcuker.

The off chance of that happening doesn't give a green light, IMO, for the OP to behave in a selfish and inappropriate manner in the first place.

Then again, respect, courtesy and empathy for others is something I think should be a basic human trait. It appears you disagree and I doubt (not that I have any interest in trying to) you'll change your mind on that.

G-Money

I haven't read all the replies to this but this is my 2 cents worth.

I think the only way you could get away with asking this girl out is if you genuinely didn't know she had a bf when you ask. Without trying to sound too confusing, does she know that you know that she's living with her bf?

If you know she has a bf, and she is aware of this, I don't see much good in coming from you asking her out.

Also, to be honest, when I find out a girl has a bf/fiancee/husband, I instantly lose interest in them and I'm not attracted to them anymore. I don't get why that is. It's almost like they become invisible to me or something, or I kind of just consider them to be "men" so therefore I'm not even remotely interested.

It's difficult I know if you like her, but in my mind, she's off limits and I'd be looking for someone else if I were you.

Good luck.

Taltos

grandmaster wrote: »

Also, to be honest, when I find out a girl has a bf/fiancee/husband, I instantly lose interest in them and I'm not attracted to them anymore. I don't get why that is. It's almost like they become invisible to me or something, or I kind of just consider them to be "men" so therefore I'm not even remotely interested.

Not sure what is scarier
> women becoming men in your head
> I know exactly what you mean....

OP - look it is up to you - but maybe before you do anything ask why the above does not apply to you?