OH can't stand my parents

LegacyUser

My OH and I are going out a long time, we are both in our early 30's and married a few years now. We have settled down, both have regular jobs, bought a house and were recently blessed with the birth of a baby girl. The girl I fell in love with and still love, is intelligent, shy, mild mannered and funny.

The relationship between my OH and my parents has always been cool, to be honest it has always been difficult and I am pretty much at a loss as to why, as they are all lovely people. If I was honest, I think she really can't stand them, she can very cool towards them, distant, tries to be absent when they are around and sometimes quiet rude.

She tries to put boundaries on our relationship with them. When and how they can visit to see their granddaughter, what they can do while they are with us. This is all articulated to me, I generally say ok because I want to keep the peace and my parents are easy going, and so will generally accommadate any request without a word. Needless to say, there are no boundaries for her family.

I am not saying my parents aren't hard work, yes of course they are, my mum can in particular make ill-judged statements that she regrets later. I find her family hard work also but am always courteous and kind towards them. She acknowledges this regularly with a "your very good" and that she appreciates it my efforts, but sometimes adds a caveat that I am somehow a special case i.e. not everyone can be like me ... Also in the past she has expressed that inlaw relationships are often difficult.

We spent christmas at my parents home, it went really well and I felt things had turned a corner. Our daugther was born in the new year and my parents have visited us a smally number times since then. I could count the hours we have spent in their company on two hands since our daughter was born.

Again needless to say, my OH's family has been around an awful lot. At one point we spent 3 weeks living with OH's mother while my OH was ill. I was always sure to make sure that I was always respectful no matter how I was treated. At times while I was there my OH was frustrated for me, at how I was treated by her siblings but I never said a word in anger.

The last weekend my mum and dad came to visit, they live a long drive from us, so they came down and stayed overnight at a hotel on Satuday. Last weekend was really the straw that is breaking the donkeys back.

She was really rude to them all day Saturday, she acknowledged this on Saturday, cried for a while, apologising, saying she had acted like a "pig", promised to improve and then proceeded to do the same thing on Sunday. I was really shocked and exhausted from it, how did we get here?

I don't think I can even be objective about it anymore, I am at my wits end. When they are around each other I can't relax, I am so stressed trying to play happy families and keep the peace. I watch my parents repeatedly reach out to my OH and my OH repeatedly back away, being distant with them.

I don't know what to do to fix this, perhaps I can't fix this. This hurts me deeply, some of the most important people in my life have such a poor relationship. My OH knows it hurts me deeply, she has said so ... but ... I don't know she can't act differently? She treats _noone_ else like this only my parents .... ideas?

Cheap Thrills!

I generally say ok because I want to keep the peace and my parents are easy going, and so will generally accommadate any request without a word. Needless to say, there are no boundaries for her family.

This is a BIG mistake. She is being passive aggressive THROUGH YOU. You are allowing her to use you as a conduit for her own failings/rudeness twords yoru own parents.

Stop enabling and facilitating her. Also your parents had to stay in a hotel? Thats kind of hurtful if there was room for them at yours?

Your girlfriend is going to have to shape up her attitude and you are going to have to toughen up and stop allowing her to be rude and hurtful to your parents. By accepting her behaviour you are tacitly agreeing to it.

You have to make it uncomfortable for her to behave this way, in other words, stop making allowances for her pig ignorance.

She is behaving in a very hypocritical way, its a cop out for her to make out that you are a special case because you do the adult thing and make sure you get on with your in-laws.

Barring actual toxicity from in-laws thats what decent adult people do.

Have a word with her and let her know in no uncertain terms her behaviour is NOT GOING TO FLY in the future. Don't allow her to manipulate you by turning on the tears etc. Show her you are serious and let her know you WONT be her puppet in future.

Foot. Down.

Miss Fluff

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

You have to make it uncomfortable for her to behave this way, in other words, stop making allowances for her pig ignorance.

+1, you are actually tolerating this behaviour and while you continue to do so she will continue to act in this way.

On another note, is there something you are not telling us? I mean if there is no good reason whatsoever that she is acting in such a cruel fashion then I hate to say it but your OH doesn't sound the full shilling. You don't go around with such a deep hatred for another individual without very good reason indeed.

Neyite

i agree..

you have let your wife off the hook for too long. you should let her know in no uncertain terms that your family are welcome as equally as hers, and that by disrespecting your family she is disrespecting you.

it has to stop. we all work /houseshare/ related to people who we dont see eye to eye with or have nothing in common with. we remain polite and cordial at the very least.

there is nothing else here except disgraceful manners from your wife. put your foot down, there cant be double standards here.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I know you love your wife but to be honest she sounds like a crazy selfish pig. I love my bf's family but I couldn't stand my previous bf's parents. They were the most negative, rude people, they drank too much and then would make you sit there talking absolute **** at you for hours, there was worse than that but that was generally how it was.

Guess what though? My ex never knew I didn't like them, I didn't tell him and I would never ever threat someone's parents the way your OH is threating yours. If my current bf EVER threated my parents like that there would be the biggest fight you've ever heard and believe me he would never do it again.

Your parents raised and provided for you and what are you doing in return? You're letting your girlfriend threat them like ****. And for what? An easy life? Surely you want to be a better son than that? Seriously OP, shame on you. How could you let her threat them like that? They must be so hurt and upset, worrying will they be allowed to see their grand daughter.

You've tried talking to her and that hasn't work. I know I'll be killed for saying this but what I would do is completely lose my temper (verbally of course) and let her see just how angry this is making you. Maybe then she'll cop on and act like an adult and less like a heartless bitch.

Also you might mention that seeing the cruel and selfish side of her is making you love her less, in fairness how could it not.

She'd want to cop on and you would too, stand up to your wife for christ's sake.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

We discussed the issue again last night. I didn't get angry or shout, I just explained her behaviour was inexcusable and that she was hurting me. She said that felt that everyone was telling her what lovely people my parents are and nobody had empathy for her issues or feelings on the matter.

I said I was at my wits end, that I agreed and had sympathy for her issues (they do, do some very annoying but fairly harmless things), that I had improved my relationship with my parents thanks to her, but thats it now, her behaviour was just inexcusable.

She left the room and went upstairs for an hour, came down whispered an apology and said it wouldn't happen again. I then got the cold shoulder for a few more hours. I am very skeptical, I have the apology and promise to do better before, so I have no faith in anything changing.

I think, I am going to have to shout at her sooner or later. (thats usually not me).

Miss Fluff

She said that felt that everyone was telling her what lovely people my parents are and nobody had empathy for her issues or feelings on the matter.

I said I was at my wits end, that I agreed and had sympathy for her issues (they do, do some very annoying but fairly harmless things), that I had improved my relationship with my parents thanks to her, but thats it now, her behaviour was just inexcusable.

What ARE these issues though OP? I asked you that in my previous post. What reason/s are there for her to be so venemous????

I think, I am going to have to shout at her sooner or later. (thats usually not me)

I don't think that's going to be particularly helpful at all. You actually need to really get to the bottom of this complex situation and work out a solution rather than raising your voice to prove a point.

Nevyn

You need to find out What does she think of you parents and what cuased her to view them in that way.

In the mean time whats stopping you for going to spend a weekend with your parents and bring your daughter along?

Taltos

Miss Fluff wrote: »

What ARE these issues though OP? I asked you that in my previous post. What reason/s are there for her to be so venemous????



I don't think that's going to be particularly helpful at all. You actually need to really get to the bottom of this complex situation and work out a solution rather than raising your voice to prove a point.

More to the point - if you do not know what is causing this - then how do you expect her to change. Would lay odds on that this will hold for maybe a visit or two and then she will be back to her old self.
And when that happens what do you do?
Do you call her out in front of your parents?
Has she once apologies to them?

I mean - what really are you going to do here next time?
I can understand someone behaving like this if they are in someway standing up for their partner who they see being manipulated - so what is really going on here - what is triggering this. You need to address the root cause or the symptoms will never change - they might shift their target (YOU) but the outcome will be the same...

LegacyUser

I think her original problem was that they still treated me as a child not an adult. To her credit, its not something I really worked on (I am easy going) until it really started to annoy her. So I set some boundaries, mostly with my dad and when he start taking the p*ss, I would call him out on it. He had a habit of getting you to do things he wasn't bothered doing himself, and dumping his junk on you.

This situation has improved alot, although I think there is still hangover from this. The stuff they still do is fairly trival, eccentric stuff would be the best way to describe it:-

Like for instance 'the milk man', they still get the milk man to delivery a litre of milk every day despite the fact my mum is now lactose intolerate and my dad wouldn't drink a litre a day by himself. They feel they are doing their bit to keep the milkman in business. This means that every time they visit they bring about four litres of milk with them (with various use by dates).

This annoys my OH no end, she feel they are dumping crap they don't want on us. And Dad had a history of this in the past, I have since corrected but this still stires up old memories.

My mum is lactose intolerant, a long term diabetric and has had chronic diarrhea for the past few years (serious health issues). She is hell to cook for or buy a present for, its hardly her fault but the prospect of having to do either task really p*ss off my OH. It means that when they come to visit, my OH feels stressed before they ever arrive. This happened last weekend, I knew it was going down the tubes at Superquinn when we where doing the shopping. Her tone and body language was already defensive before they ever arrived.

My mum also has the habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, she has improved in this regard in recent years also but can still drop some really clangers. She talks over people and answers for people. We are a loud family, my OH's family is very quiet, I think my OH still finds this hard to cope with.

Is this making any sense?

Miss Fluff

The stuff they still do is fairly trival, eccentric stuff would be the best way to describe it

The examples you have given are at best cute and typical of a lot of parents, at worst mildly irritating. You claim to be laid back and yet the below is obviously causing you "upset"....

Like for instance 'the milk man', they still get the milk man to delivery a litre of milk every day despite the fact my mum is now lactose intolerate and my dad wouldn't drink a litre a day by himself. They feel they are doing their bit to keep the milkman in business. This means that every time they visit they bring about four litres of milk with them (with various use by dates).

By golly you are very very blessed indeed if that's one of the biggest problems facing you right now....

My mum is lactose intolerant, a long term diabetric and has had chronic diarrhea for the past few years (serious health issues). She is hell to cook for or buy a present for, its hardly her fault but the prospect of having to do either task really p*ss off my OH.

Your OH sounds like a nasty, selfish madam. If she cared for you or respected you at all, should would be only too delighted to treat your parents well and look after them.....

My mum also has the habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, she has improved in this regard in recent years also but can still drop some really clangers.

Throughout your entire post, you haven't really defended or stood up for your family so it seems pretty obvious to me why your nasty spouse is behaving like this. You're letting her get away with it every single time and obviously not calling her on it. In fact, it would seem your silence is making you complicit to a certain degree. If you REALLY want this to stop, then your actions need to speak louder than words. You need to welcome your parents into your home with open arms. And you need to make sure they are included in your child's life.....right now you're being happily pussy whipped from what I can make out tbh.....

Is this making any sense?

Yes, it is now.......

How Strange

It seems from what you've posted that your parents get on your OH's goat and a situation has developed where her impatience, disrespect and bad behaviour are tolerated by them and you.

You chose your OH but you can't chose your in-laws and sometimes how other families interact and act can seem odd or annoying to other people who've been thrown into the family by circumstance.

One of OH's siblings irritates me sometimes and I find myself getting annoyed over silly things but I know that's my problem not theirs so I have to rise above it.

You and your wife now have a child which means a grandchild for your parents. It's only fair and reasonable that both sets of grandparents are equally welcome and involved in your childs life.

You say you called your parents on how they treated you in the past; well now it seems time to call your wife on how she treats your parents. You need to call her on her actions and point out how they make you feel. Ask her how she would feel if you treated her parents just as she had done. I'd do this pretty soon after she acts like this. Don't wait for a week or two but as soon as possible so she knows specifically what you're referring to. It seems that she's also aware of her bad behaviour so it's not just that you're oversensitive. Tell her that you expect her to respect your parents and make them welcome in your home.

I don't see how this situation can bring anything but bad feeling and resentment if it's not turned around soon. It seems your wife needs to change her attitude and be more respectful to your parents. They may be slightly batty and odd but sure we're all slightly batty and odd in our own way.

Kimia

Anon1316 wrote: »

I am not saying my parents aren't hard work, yes of course they are, my mum can in particular make ill-judged statements that she regrets later.




She treats _noone_ else like this only my parents .... ideas?

Anon1316 wrote: »

I think her original problem was that they still treated me as a child not an adult. To her credit, its not something I really worked on (I am easy going) until it really started to annoy her.


My mum also has the habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, she has improved in this regard in recent years also but can still drop some really clangers. She talks over people and answers for people.

Just to play devil's advocate here - you say your mum makes 'ill judged' statements from time to time. Are you being a little bit too laid back about this? Perhaps your mum has said stuff to your OP that really really hurt her?

If she doesn't treat anyone else like this, could you dig a little deeper to see why she's doing this with your parents?

Some things you've alluded to give me pause about this. It looks like you are demonising your wife and making your parents out to be doddery but kind-hearted old fools that don't mean any harm. Maybe your mother was inexcusably rude or said something to your wife that she doesn't want her grandchild around?

Or maybe not - I'm just saying consider this from the other side too.

OS119

Kimia wrote: »

Just to play devil's advocate here - you say your mum makes 'ill judged' statements from time to time. Are you being a little bit too laid back about this? Perhaps your mum has said stuff to your OP that really really hurt her?

If she doesn't treat anyone else like this, could you dig a little deeper to see why she's doing this with your parents?

Some things you've alluded to give me pause about this. It looks like you are demonising your wife and making your parents out to be doddery but kind-hearted old fools that don't mean any harm. Maybe your mother was inexcusably rude or said something to your wife that she doesn't want her grandchild around?

Or maybe not - I'm just saying consider this from the other side too.

agreed.

and she has to be repectful to people who make 'ill-judged' (or 'ragingly offensive' depending on your view) comments to her, in HER own home?

really?

if she doesn't want to go to visit your parents thats up to her, its not your place to ask her to pretend that its happy families to save your parents the embarressment of realising that they aren't nice people to be around.

LegacyUser

Anon1316 wrote: »

My mum is lactose intolerant, a long term diabetric and has had chronic diarrhea for the past few years (serious health issues). She is hell to cook for or buy a present for, its hardly her fault but the prospect of having to do either task really p*ss off my OH. It means that when they come to visit, my OH feels stressed before they ever arrive. This happened last weekend, I knew it was going down the tubes at Superquinn when we where doing the shopping. Her tone and body language was already defensive before they ever arrived.

Maybe you just need to take the responsibility of your parents visits, like doing the shopping by yourself or anything else that needs to be done. Could your OH feel slightly put out that your parents are coming to visit and she has to do lots of stuff (i'm not saying your aren't doing anything) to please them and you, so by the time they actually get there she is totally stressed and reacts this way and ends up been given out to by you anyway so she cant win.

Why don't you suggest you take you daughter for a night down to visit your parents so they don't have to always visit you and it means she gets out of seeing them. Obviously you want your parents involved in your childs life so maybe you are going to have to take a strong position and say that if they cant come visit you you'll go to them.

I could be totally wrong sorry if i am

D rog

Did you say you have a baby only a few months old?
Is it possible that your mum made some comments around what your OH should be doing with baby that were taken the wrong way?

Also, if she's busy with a little baby maye you could do more around the visits-like shopping and getting the place ready. Maybe she's simply feeling under a lot of pressure, is she getting much sleep?

ziedth

OS119 wrote: »

agreed.

and she has to be repectful to people who make 'ill-judged' (or 'ragingly offensive' depending on your view) comments to her, in HER own home?

really?

if she doesn't want to go to visit your parents thats up to her, its not your place to ask her to pretend that its happy families to save your parents the embarressment of realising that they aren't nice people to be around.

from what I can tell the OP has been very honest and fair describing things. He said how his dad dumped stuff on them and how his mother can shout over people. Of course it's her place to visit his parents if they are not doing anything "wrong". The problem is only with the OP's wife and tbh I think you deserve a medel op for being as fair as you have been.
IMHO you have to stand your ground here, my advice is next time it happens (and it will I'm surel) you have to have it out with her. You have fairly explained that this upsets you more then once so if it happens again she is taking the piss.

It is down the line when they are passed that you will regret not doing something.

Best of luck!!

iguana

ziedth wrote: »

from what I can tell the OP has been very honest and fair describing things. He said how his dad dumped stuff on them and how his mother can shout over people. Of course it's her place to visit his parents if they are not doing anything "wrong". The problem is only with the OP's wife and tbh I think you deserve a medel op for being as fair as you have been.

I don't think so. The OP has said that his father has taken advantage of them in the past and his mother has improved on her habit of making "ill-judged remarks" but still drops a clanger or two on occasion. The problem seems to be pretty far from being solely down to his wife.

Taltos

iguana wrote: »

I don't think so. The OP has said that his father has taken advantage of them in the past and his mother has improved on her habit of making "ill-judged remarks" but still drops a clanger or two on occasion. The problem seems to be pretty far from being solely down to his wife.

Something else to consider is the wife is removed from the interactions of the parents and their son - he will be different around them than he is with her.
She might not like what he is like in this role
or
She might see clearer than he that his parents are taking advantage - maybe even subconsciously and so seeks to protect him as he would her. In this case her reaction is totally normal - but she might be better off exploring it and talking to her OH about how and why she is feeling. He has a role to play in this too - it is not all the parents and her.

perri winkles

OP, I feel a small bit of sympathy for your wife. My OH's family would be quite loud too, a very close knit family who like to do everything together. I on the other hand come from the complete opposite type of family. It's taken me a long time to get used to it and I do still become mildly annoyed by it. I think you need to sit your wife down and talk to her properly about it. Don't give in, but try ask what can be done about it, so that both families get equal time with their grandchild.

Maybe you do need to stand up for yourself a bit more? Both in relation to your parents and your wife.