Advice-Men/in-laws

iwannagoonstric

hi, having a really crap day so far. don't even know where to start. was in great form last night when i got home from work. lovely evening so was thinkin bout heading off for a walk. I want to fitten up a bit you see.

I'm always asking my boyf to come with me, i'm not into running and stuff, but he is a real fitness fan. I'm tryin to get into shape, just tone up and get a bit healthier. start small.

I often ask him to take me out, do up a wee plan or something for me, but dont push it coz its his thing and I don't want to hold him up, i know i couldnt keep up with him, he does 5/6k runs like. but you have to start somewhere. He never really seems that keen on the idea so, i don't push it. I'd just want to do 1 or 2 km. Ask him to do this maybe every few months.

I've tried going swimming, (alone might i add) I ask him to go but he says no. then his mate asks him and he jumps at it. leaves me at the hotel pool and heads off swimming to the larger pool with his mate.

But, back to last night, i get home, great form, he pipes up -do i want to go for a run. (i had mentioned on Sunday night about US going out on monday evening, but then on monday we didnt go.) I thought, finally, he's going to help me. But no, DO I WANT TO GO FOR A RUN - WITH HIS SISTER. She asked him to go for a run with her that lunchtime, and he says yes straight away. WTF.

I am absolutley livid with him - livid. We've been going out for nearly 8 years. All settled and everything, live together, no kids or rings but we have plans for all that in a few years (total mutual choice). But why does he put me off, put helpin me get fit on the long finger, but his sister asks him and he asks her how f****n high!!!!

What am I to do, i seriously want to finish it cuz of this. I challanged him about it last night, but he doesnt see the problem, and doesnt answer when i try to get answers, just sits there, so I'm like a bully. So i leave it cuz i dont want to be cruel.

Need advice. The anger and frustration i'm holding inside needs vented.

Nevyn

Get yourself an mp3 player, down load a heap of intresting pod casts and listen to them while out walking/running. You don't need him to do it. http://www.c25k.com/

It could be that the pace at which you currently can maintained is too slow or him or that you will want to natter away at him about things which will be do distracting. Your not a runner yourself yet.

Littleblondehen

I don't know about him, but when i am excercising or going to the gym it's ME time. I like going by myself, I don't think of anything it's kind of like meditation for me! Maybe he feels like that and doesn't want to say it.

I go for nice long leisurley walks with my boyfriend, but I have no desire for him to see me sweaty, redfaced and panting for breath while I'm excercising and my boyfriend says the same, he also reckons he would get distracted if I was to work out with him.

fatmammycat

Have you actually done any of these 1 to 2 k you're talking about runs over the last few months you've been talking about getting fit?
Personally I run long distance and my OH plays football, we never mix our sports, I'd rather he didn't come on a run with me as he'd never keep up or be able to cover the distance of even a moderate run. And I sure as hell would be out of place on a football pitch.

krudler

I often ask him to take me out, do up a wee plan or something for me, but dont push it coz its his thing and I don't want to hold him up, i know i couldnt keep up with him, he does 5/6k runs like. but you have to start somewhere. He never really seems that keen on the idea so, i don't push it. I'd just want to do 1 or 2 km. Ask him to do this maybe every few months.

Whats stopping you from doing this yourself?instead of waiting for someone else to plan your fitness just go do it, its not that hard, start with brisk walks then work up from there. me and my girlfriend both exercise and do it alone, its a nice get away from everyday life, headphones on, just forget about work and stuff, I dont want to be breathlessly chatting away to someone else while I jog.

It would be annoying that he's doing the activities you want to do with him with other people, but just say it to him, coming on here ranting isnt going to solve anything with him

sorrywhat

Why cant you just do it yourself?

Or look for little plans to start off small online. There are loads of free fitness instructions. Look in the fitness forum. Or If its running you really want to try try this : http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Im running about 6 miles 4 times a week and Im constantly upping it. You need to start small.

As for you OH, maybe he likes doing the running thing alone? I like running on my own. Its where I think of loads of little things I need to do or make lists (gets me through the run as I dont wear headphones) of stuff I need buy etc.

If someone was with me I would feel obliged to keep up with them or if they were slower to keep in pace with them. Or even worse talk to them. Its hard to talk when running, especially when you start off.

Try it on your own. You'll be happier for it in the end.

anniehoo

I think what the OP is trying to say is that shes annoyed that when she asks him to do something with her like swimming or running he seems hesistant but when the "mates" or "the family" ask its a whole different ballgame and he jumps at the chance.

OP if its only sporty things that hes reluctant to do with you then i wouldnt worry. Its probably easier to say no to you rather than to his friends/family and your idea of exercising isnt challenging for him. He probably just sees that and not the fact he'd be supporting you (which is what you see). He couldve ignored you totally and went running with his sister, the fact he included you must count for something no?

G86

Littleblondehen wrote: »

I don't know about him, but when i am excercising or going to the gym it's ME time. I like going by myself, I don't think of anything it's kind of like meditation for me! Maybe he feels like that and doesn't want to say it.

I go for nice long leisurley walks with my boyfriend, but I have no desire for him to see me sweaty, redfaced and panting for breath while I'm excercising and my boyfriend says the same, he also reckons he would get distracted if I was to work out with him.

+1

I work out in the same gym as my boyf, and I love that I can discuss my workouts with him, but I really wouldn't be too keen on the idea of working out with him for the above reasons! The gym is my 'me' time, it's how I de-stress. Besides, watching him work the rings would definitely be a distraction.... :P

OP try not to get offended by it, I really don't think it's any reflection on your relationship. Plus what's to stop you going out on your own? Go on, I bet you'll be out-running him in no time at all

LadyMayBelle

anniehoo wrote: »

I think what the OP is trying to say is that shes annoyed that when she asks him to do something with her like swimming or running he seems hesistant but when the "mates" or "the family" ask its a whole different ballgame and he jumps at the chance.

OP if its only sporty things that hes reluctant to do with you then i wouldnt worry. Its probably easier to say no to you rather than to his friends/family and your idea of exercising isnt challenging for him. He probably just sees that and not the fact he'd be supporting you (which is what you see). He couldve ignored you totally and went running with his sister, the fact he included you must count for something no?

I agree with anniehoo, the root cause of the problem seems to be that he will do anything for his family and she is feeling a little sidelined by it..and all understandably!

Head out by yourself, maybe take up a new sport or something for 'you' time and things will be better

iwannagoonstric

Anniehoo and LadyPennyWorth thanks for the support. It is totally that when i ask him he DOES NOT want to and fobs me off, I understood that its his thing so i let it slide.

And its not that I need him by my side all the time, god no, I would seriously be up for murder if that were the case!! I'd just like him to help get me started. Show me a few routes, things like that. He is a serious fitness fanatic, running, footie, swimming, triathlons - everything and anything. He has his serious running buddies for all that crap, I just wanted a small half hour jog. I know that its his 'me' time, to unwind and get away from it all . (incl me)

Just WTF was he at jumping when she clicked her f****n fingers. She's not a runner, as far as I know she does something with her friends like walking once a week, but nothing serious. So i just don't get it. Pissed me off, i did talk to him about it, but he didnt give much back so it was a choice between sitting screamin at him for half hour, or walking away. I walked away. I aint no crazy chick!!!

metalgear2k2

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I aint no crazy chick!!!

Not sure about that.

I dont understand why you cant just do it urself.

Dark Phoenix

Ok, I can understand that it must be frustrating when you ask himn to do something with you and he says no and then he goes off and does the same thing with his sister or his mate. Is this the only thing he avoids doing with you or are their others? If it sjust sports it might be because he feels its 'his ' thing and wants to do it himself or have some space away from the two of you (which is healthy i think). If its not just this then I would sit down and have a chat about it as its just going to progress and you will resent him more for it.

with regard to running / losing weight / getting fit you see this a lot I think as in you see people who want, in theory to do it but cannot seem to motivate themselves to do it. Lets face it - when you cannot motivate yourself to get going then why should someone else put time into trying to get you going at it? You say in your post you mention this every few months- at any point have you actually gone walking / running?

Decide yourself what you want to do - do you want to get fit and tone up? Do you want to learn to run? Do you want to be healthier? If you do then get yourself motivated and get up and going. Do it by yourself and for yourself, it far more rewarding in the long run. who knows when your boyfriend seems you putting teh effort in and being motivated he might start helping you out too

Taltos

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I want to fitten up a bit you see.

Good start.

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I'm always asking my boyf to come with me

would exhaust me - being asked all the time and rarely carried through - you know - here we go again...

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

he is a real fitness fan. I'm tryin to get into shape, just tone up and get a bit healthier. start small.

So you are at different levels, your run, walk - will probably be very slow for him - yet he should enjoy getting out at least for a chat.

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I often ask him to take me out, do up a wee plan or something for me

Really not sure why you just cannot do this yourself - good excuse not to do anything though - he never helped you...

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

He never really seems that keen on the idea so, i don't push it. I'd just want to do 1 or 2 km.

He might just really really value the time alone when he runs, a chance to purge all the stress and bad thoughts from the day. Running with someone can sometimes mess that up.

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

Ask him to do this maybe every few months.

Why keep asking - why not just head out and run yourself, you never know he might just join you...

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I've tried going swimming, (alone might i add) I ask him to go but he says no. then his mate asks him and he jumps at it. leaves me at the hotel pool and heads off swimming to the larger pool with his mate.

Yup - can see that is annoying - feels like his mates come first. You need to let him know how this feels for you...

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

But, back to last night, i get home, great form, he pipes up -do i want to go for a run. (i had mentioned on Sunday night about US going out on monday evening, but then on monday we didnt go.) I thought, finally, he's going to help me. But no, DO I WANT TO GO FOR A RUN - WITH HIS SISTER. She asked him to go for a run with her that lunchtime, and he says yes straight away. WTF.

A run is a run - is it that you now have to run with a 3rd person - who might be better suited to your fitness level - and so you would have a buddy to run with???.... Personally I can see why you might be annoyed here - but I can also see the advantage of doing something without him. You are more likely to run if someone is there to egg you on - his sister...

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

I am absolutley livid with him - livid. We've been going out for nearly 8 years. All settled and everything, live together, no kids or rings but we have plans for all that in a few years (total mutual choice). But why does he put me off, put helpin me get fit on the long finger, but his sister asks him and he asks her how f****n high!!!!

Seems like a few things here.
1 - you are blaming him for YOU not exercising - your body - your choice - you do not need him to help you with a stick.
2 - it appears that he prioritized everyone over you - again you need to have a chat about how this is making you feel. If he is like me - then he is probably ignorant of the fact that he is doing this. I was until my wife had that chat with me. Took a few attempts over a few years - and I guess we are coming up to that time again soon...

iwannagoonstric wrote: »

What am I to do, i seriously want to finish it cuz of this. I challanged him about it last night, but he doesnt see the problem, and doesnt answer when i try to get answers, just sits there, so I'm like a bully. So i leave it cuz i dont want to be cruel.

Need advice. The anger and frustration i'm holding inside needs vented.

Talk to him.
Let him know how all this makes you feel.
Ask him for his support.
BUT - get off your ASS and take responsibility for getting yourself fitter. Once he sees you doing this he might surprise you and join you. Each time you plan to run - just drop - heading out in 20 min for a quick run - fancy joining me... Every time... Sometimes he might say yes.
BUT - only you are responsible for you getting fit. Either you want to do it and you will or you won't - NOT his responsibility.

You do still need to have that Prioritization talk though - friends and family vs you. Just explain how you feel and ask for some consideration. Open that dialog and start talking. Might not be easy - but stay calm and think & talk your way through it - Trust me - it will be worth it when you are on the same playing field.

ps. Look at the word you used for last night: challenged... This is not a talk - this is a speech. No wonder he stayed quiet. Took my wife a few attempts before she changed to talking. 2 way dialog. NO demands - no in your face... 2 way... Change your mindset and approach or it will not work

iwannagoonstric

hi, thanks for all the advice. Just to clarify, main reason i don't go alone is i am terrified, absolutly TERRIFIED of dogs - and i live in the countryside, ideal for nice walks/runs but loaded with dogs.

get the whole thing about alone time - and will try to stop the one way 'discussions'. may take some time though!!

Ickle Magoo

You seem to be coming up with a lot of excuses for not getting out and doing it yourself...do you think your bf picks up on that and so isn't very motivated in having to do something you should be well able to do yourself, like plan out a route or write up a fitness plan?

If his sister doesn't run then chances are she's not asking him to do anything every couple of months and as she's not a runner, perhaps that motivated him to go running and see if he could get his sister into it? Ask him, there must be reason to his behaviour, it's unlikely that after 8 yrs together & plans for marriage that he's doing it just to spite you.

cherryred

if you're sitting on the couch asking him to sort out a plan you're asking him to make the move.

have you tried putting on the runners and the tracksuit standing in front of him and saying "right, give me half and hour of your time or a least ill i can get passed all the dogs"

Redpunto

I know its been asked but as far as I can see you havent answered is it only in this area that hes acting like this or is it in all areas of your relationship?

Have you explained that you need/want/enjoy his support and his presence? He might be scared that he'll say the wrong thing or push you too hard, Like its such a bad idea to get your OH to teach you how to drive, youd kill eachother, maybe hes thinking along those line