How to trust again?

LegacyUser

Long story short, a few years ago my husband had a bit of a flirty text/msn thing with a girl from a social networking site. I found out, expressed my hurt/dislike at what he did and he seemed genuinely sorry and saw it from my perspective and stopped. We built up trust again and all was fine.

A few days ago, i found messages in his phone from a girl i never heard him mention before and confronted him about it. turns out he talked to her on the same site as the last girl and then exchanged numbers.

lets just say this girls profile is not the average profile, the pictures are what you'd call 'erotic'- well what id call trashy! he apologised etc. and i asked him to tell me everything so we can move on from the whole thing. he said hes told me everything. he didnt. it has since come out that there have been multiple girls and porn sites and sneaking around.

its not so much what he did- well i dont like that hes been talking/looking at other girls- but its the sneakiness and betrayal, and the fact he lied each time until he was found out and only then did he tell the truth, which may not even be the truth. if all he has done is lie so far how do i now when hes stopped???

I obviously have insecurity issues now as a result of my husband oggling other girls instead of coming into bed with me but what i wanna know from you guys is how do i learn to trust him again? how do i stop being so paranoid about everything?
and should i trust him? has he gone too far by doing the same thing after he knew from past experience that i wouldnt be happy.

I know men dont stop finding other girls attractive just because they're married and I know that they still want to talk to people. but surely im not being unreasonable in asking him not to strike up flirty conversations with the trashiest looking women on the net! Maybe Im overreacting? Im not sure what to feel tbh.

Please give your opinions as im a bit lost and feeling really unattractive and unwanted.
I dunno what im asking, sorry, just some advice!

LegacyUser

how horrible for you.. it is definately not unreasonable to be peed at your husband carrying on like that online, in fact you have every right to be livid.
Sadly there seems to be a lot of it around, not just men either.
It sounds like he likes the attention and the ego boost that goes with it. While he may not be doing anything physically it's dangerous territory... it might start out as meaningless but could develop into something else entirely if he's spending so much time on these sites.
Not saying it will but it's happened to me before with an ex.
Why don't you sit him down and ask him to delete his profile from the trashier websites if he is really serious about stopping this malarky. Surely he has to understand that it's completely inconsiderate behaviour towards you?
Also, maybe try to find out if this is not stemming from something else, maybe any other problems in your relationship that haven't been discussed or been bottled up? (not presuming anything here, just a suggestion)

LegacyUser

yeh so far hes done that. he said he wont do it again, and he *seems* genuine, but i just dont know anymore.

ive asked him his reasons for it as i wanted to know why he did it and what we could do to work things out and maybe see the error of my own ways too but he kept saying he had no reason to do it. eventually after going on at him he admited to it being nice to get attention from someone different, which i understand but its not very nice if its at the expense of my feelings.

hes in a bit of a trap of saying what he thinks i want to hear (i didnt find her attractive, i just wanted to chat to someone-anyone), but i dont want him to do that, i want him to be honest, both to admit his wrongdoings but also to pinpoint why he did it and what we can do to fill his needs another way, if that makes sense?

hes just not willing to be 100% honest, whether its to stop telling me what he thinks i want to hear, or to tell me what else he has done, cause lets face it the only things i know are the things i found myself, im sure he was a bit better at hiding other things too. i just need him to be honest but if he cant then we cant move forward.

i just dont know how to trust him again. or if i want to.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think anyone here can tell you if you should trust him or how to trust him again, for that matter. That's something only you and him can sort out. Likewise with boundaries, what is acceptable/unacceptable is a matter for you to decide. If it is making you really unhappy then it clearly crosses your boundary and is unacceptable behaviour within a relationship with you.

There does seem to be some kind of repeat pattern so lessons are obviously not being learnt and if he's then lying about being honest. Is he lying about it out of shame or to cover his tracks? Because he doesn't want you hurt or because he wants to carry on with whatever he's doing?

I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion with him. Tell him how you feel, that the trust is gone and ask him to discuss with you where you as a couple go from here. If you think trust is only going to be rebuilt if he can, and is, completely honest with you from now on then you need to state that - and if you feel it's becoming a deal breaker he needs to know that too. It could be that you have different boundaries but when with each other, both need to be respected.

Best of luck.

mobilecore

I agree with NotRight.

I think being on social networking sites is usually a bad thing within a relationship. Sites like Facebook are all about taking to people you know in the real world. Thats fine Sites like tagged, myspace etc are all about talking to people you dont know and 99.9 percent of the time its always talking to people from the opposite sex. They are practically dating sites. Now not everyone uses them as such in that way. But most do.

As NotRight said this can lead to bad things. What would start out as harmless fun can turn south. Eventually meeting up with someone.

Your husband has given out his phone number. Thats Stage 2... stage 1 being chatting online... stage 2 phone number... stage 3 is meeting.
IMO giving out someones number is a clear intention that they would like to meet. Even if when it comes down to it they feel they "cant" - by giving out the phone number it screams that a large part of them likes the idea.

Think of the logic. He talked to someone online, it progressed to texting, you think it will stop at that? ... meeting comes next. Even if his conscience comes into play. Most people will lie to their own conscience saying "only meeting as friends" - then boom. Something happens.


As Ickle Magoo said no one can tell you weather or not to trust him again. What your husband has done is a red flag. A red flag that has to be sorted out.

LegacyUser

yeh i told him we could only move on if hes honest, that all i want is the truth. i do think he just doesnt want to hurt me but the more he keeps from me the more hes hurting me. i dont know how to get that through to him. that he needs to let me know what hes kept from me. but at the same time il never believe hes telling me the truth even if he does. its so difficult.

we've been through everything over and over, both in heated anger and calmly. it just seems all the lying has left me thinking/knowing hes still lying.

i dont know how to get past it when i gave him so many chances to be honest and to be open and civil and he just threw them away and continued to lie. and now he expects me to believe him.

every time he leaves the room it takes every bit of strength not to look through his phone and tbh i think the main reason i dont is because i know he has the cop on now to delete anything that shouldnt be there so theres no point. im just devastated.

seenitall

What mobilecore said +1.

100%.

Kelly55555

Hi
I've honestly never posted on here before I usually just like to read people's threads but I found this one and felt I had to.
I was in the exact same position last year. Ok I wasn't married to him but I saw us going that way. We were together for almost two years and like your situation it all began on MSN. I forgave which was very hard to do, we moved in together and turned out he never stopped. Again the messages were very over the top...lets just say they left nothing to the imagination!
Sorry i'm a bit vague but I don't really have time to say much more.
P.S I never had a trust issue with him...EVER I honestly trusted him 100% and funnily enough he did have a jealous streak in him! Why forgive someone who dreams about having sex with other women so exchanges numbers behind your back and knows no better only to lie to your face time after time. I'm sorry but i'm sure you deserve better than than. It's almost perverted. I finsihed with him 9months ago and I can tell you i'm only just over it, although I still have some trust issues but am trying to work through them.

Kelly55555

And I mean it when I say...I really am so sorry that you are going through all of this I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Cunsiderthis

unregistered wrote: »

Long story short, a few years ago my husband had a bit of a flirty text/msn thing with a girl from a social networking site. I found out, expressed my hurt/dislike at what he did and he seemed genuinely sorry and saw it from my perspective and stopped. We built up trust again and all was fine.

A few days ago, i found messages in his phone from a girl i never heard him mention before and confronted him about it. turns out he talked to her on the same site as the last girl and then exchanged numbers.

lets just say this girls profile is not the average profile, the pictures are what you'd call 'erotic'- well what id call trashy! he apologised etc. and i asked him to tell me everything so we can move on from the whole thing. he said hes told me everything. he didnt. it has since come out that there have been multiple girls and porn sites and sneaking around.

its not so much what he did- well i dont like that hes been talking/looking at other girls- but its the sneakiness and betrayal, and the fact he lied each time until he was found out and only then did he tell the truth, which may not even be the truth. if all he has done is lie so far how do i now when hes stopped???

I obviously have insecurity issues now as a result of my husband oggling other girls instead of coming into bed with me but what i wanna know from you guys is how do i learn to trust him again? how do i stop being so paranoid about everything?
and should i trust him? has he gone too far by doing the same thing after he knew from past experience that i wouldnt be happy.

I know men dont stop finding other girls attractive just because they're married and I know that they still want to talk to people. but surely im not being unreasonable in asking him not to strike up flirty conversations with the trashiest looking women on the net! Maybe Im overreacting? Im not sure what to feel tbh.

Please give your opinions as im a bit lost and feeling really unattractive and unwanted.
I dunno what im asking, sorry, just some advice!

I have to say it; fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I couldn't trust someone again who had done this twice. Someone who is prepared to do this twice is dishonest, and as you yourself say he lied each time.

You also say after the first time that "...he seemed genuinely sorry and saw it from my perspective and stopped...". Do you still believe that now that you know he didn't stop at least one time you know about?

Like most people who ask questions, you already know the answer to your own question, as Niles Crane often said in Frazier!

LegacyUser

Ive been that guy, started up a chat-txt senario with a female, I know I done wrong both to my family and the girl. But the ego boost that I was getting was brillant. My wife and I had problems in our relationship and the excitment was gone but we still had feeling for eachother but she didnt want counciling to try and identify the problems.
It's hard to explain but the mind goes in to an overdrive just reading the txts-chat I was getting that in someway I should have been getting from my partner.
In hindsight I know the damage that was done and it pains me, my partner never found out as I made the decsion to after she want to take it to "step 3" and meet.
If the shoe was on the other foot Id be pissed aswell. Nobody can make that choice for you. Maybe if you still love eachother try counciling but be open with eachother.

Kelly55555

elevated wrote: »

Ive been that guy, started up a chat-txt senario with a female, I know I done wrong both to my family and the girl. But the ego boost that I was getting was brillant. My wife and I had problems in our relationship and the excitment was gone but we still had feeling for eachother but she didnt want counciling to try and identify the problems.
It's hard to explain but the mind goes in to an overdrive just reading the txts-chat I was getting that in someway I should have been getting from my partner.
In hindsight I know the damage that was done and it pains me, my partner never found out as I made the decsion to after she want to take it to "step 3" and meet.
If the shoe was on the other foot Id be pissed aswell. Nobody can make that choice for you. Maybe if you still love eachother try counciling but be open with eachother.

The difference with you elevated, is you made the decision to stop. You didn't get caught and you didn't lie over and over to protect yourself. If your wife found out and you went and did it again can you honestly give this lady the same advice....could you give yourself a reason for it happening again?

Look most of us have been in situations where relationships have gone stale and interest from a stranger (or not) feels great and it's hard not to fall. Usually it's up to you to make things better with your partner but of course life isn't perfect and relationships end for all sorts of reasons. There are all types of cheating. I don't believe cheating is plainly cheating.

When you cheat and you see the hurt you have caused your partner I would think that most men or women would realise they got a second chance and would rather die that put their other half through that again or if the guilt wasn't there then would it not be best to walk away?
Maybe it can be fixed, but in my opinion, if you are dealing with someone who lies constantly to your face then you have nothing.

What I went through was 100 times more hurtful and confusing because of the lies. Reading this lady's post is like reading a chapter from my own life. I'm sure alot of people will disagree with me on this but until you've been through it yourself and LEARN from your mistakes..
I wish you the best of luck and hope you find happiness, whatever you decide.

P.S Don't blame yourself! Some people are just not satisfied no matter what they have.