Sick of everyone's problems

cyan95

Does anyone have the same problems as me that they are just tired of everyone's (family esp) problems that seem to land at my door.

My sister has financial troubles (husband's business gone - large mortgage that can't be paid etc) and last week my other sister suggested that between us we could contribute €500 to €600 each per month to her mortgage as she can only afford €700 which is what she is paying at the moment as she is only an interest only deal from the bank. This deal with the bank expires next month and the full payment is due.

Am I being mean? that I said no that I wouldn't commit to the above monthly payment as I don't want to make that sort of commitment. I have no problem giving money but not a fixed amount every month. Well of course the guilt trip was laid on by my sister and mother - that she is your sister etc which I totally resent and am boiling at the moment:mad:.

The sister with the financial trouble has a house that is not in negative equity - if she sold it she would walk away with at the worst approx €100k and trade down to a smaller house or rent for a while. When this was suggested my sister and mother blew a gasket with my husband and I saying how could I ask that and the house would take 2 years to sell etc and How could she live/rent in a three bed semi etc which I live in.

I feel that it is unfair to ask people to contribute that much for a someone else's mortgage whether she is family or not. My husband and I have savings etc which they know about but this money was saved through foregoing at lot of things in our 20s and early 30s. We work hard, took paycuts and still have jobs that I am grateful for.

Am I right is saying no - as I don't want the commitment of this burden every month. I think my sister with the financial problems has to get real as well as she and her husband are still on Fanstasy Island when it come to this.

Thanks for any help on this

Danniboo

You should be grateful it's not you in this situation. How awful for you that you have to listen to your sisters problems, my heart goes out to you:rolleyes:

Don't donate the money fair enough, but if you've come on here to have your conscience relieved I wouldn't hold my breath, everyone should support their family and i'm not talking in monetary terms.

Miss Fluff

cyan95 wrote: »

My sister has financial troubles (husband's business gone - large mortgage that can't be paid etc) and last week my other sister suggested that between us we could contribute €500 to €600 each per month to her mortgage as she can only afford €700 which is what she is paying at the moment as she is only an interest only deal from the bank. This deal with the bank expires next month and the full payment is due.

I think you should help if you are in a position to. I know if it were one of my brothers and I could afford it then I would. Why should just her side of the family help out when it is his business that has gone bust though? Does he have siblings that could help out also, that way you could all share the burden and decrease monthly contribution significantly?

Cunsiderthis

cyan95 wrote: »

Does anyone have the same problems as me that they are just tired of everyone's (family esp) problems that seem to land at my door.

My sister has financial troubles (husband's business gone - large mortgage that can't be paid etc) and last week my other sister suggested that between us we could contribute €500 to €600 each per month to her mortgage as she can only afford €700 which is what she is paying at the moment as she is only an interest only deal from the bank. This deal with the bank expires next month and the full payment is due.

Am I being mean? that I said no that I wouldn't commit to the above monthly payment as I don't want to make that sort of commitment. I have no problem giving money but not a fixed amount every month. Well of course the guilt trip was laid on by my sister and mother - that she is your sister etc which I totally resent and am boiling at the moment:mad:.

The sister with the financial trouble has a house that is not in negative equity - if she sold it she would walk away with at the worst approx €100k and trade down to a smaller house or rent for a while. When this was suggested my sister and mother blew a gasket with my husband and I saying how could I ask that and the house would take 2 years to sell etc and How could she live/rent in a three bed semi etc which I live in.

I feel that it is unfair to ask people to contribute that much for a someone else's mortgage whether she is family or not. My husband and I have savings etc which they know about but this money was saved through foregoing at lot of things in our 20s and early 30s. We work hard, took paycuts and still have jobs that I am grateful for.

Am I right is saying no - as I don't want the commitment of this burden every month. I think my sister with the financial problems has to get real as well as she and her husband are still on Fanstasy Island when it come to this.

Thanks for any help on this

A sure way for your family to fall out is to become financially dependent on each other, and the more prudent members of the family being pressurised into bailing out the less prudent members of the family.

A lender nor a borrower be is very good advice, and I have known situations where siblings have not even been grateful for money from their brothers and sisters and the whole relationship becomes tattered.

My aunt and her brother (my uncle) did enter a financial relationship years ago where she lent him some money towards purchasing a house. Although they were great friends, then drew up a legal agreement stipulating the terms of the load and how it was to be paid back. By drawing up a legal document, both sides were under no illusion about it, and in the event of a dispute it was not one persons word against the other persons word.

The load was paid back without a problem and it worked well for them both.

It's interesting that the one person who has not asked you for help is your sister who needs it. Your mother and another sister seem to be the ones asking for help on behalf of your sister.

If she wants help, let her ask for it and point out that the money you may have is not yours. but your husbands also, and its for your children's future (if you have children).

If it were me, I'd offer to lend them the money once they have come up with a plan as to how it will be repaid. It would be a definite amount of money, and not a monthly amount into the distant future, for the obvious reason that it could go on for a long time and having to pay an amount every month will make them feel dependant on you, and possibly resentful, and may make you and your family feel the same. And I'd be sure to get a legal agreement signed by both sides to make sure you both are aware of what is it you are entering.

If you don't want to lend money, you can always say no!

John Mason

i think you are complete right. E500-600 a month is a lot of money.

you didnt get your sister in to this mess.

your sister needs to sell the house and re-assess her finances.

was there any talk of your sister repaying this money to you when they get their finances sorted?

Ickle Magoo

Supporting your family is one thing, but expecting them to pay the lions share of your mortgage is quite another. You don't sound particularly sorry for them which is probably more annoying to family members than the fact you don't want to contribute financially. I think you need to really think about what the deal is; can there be some kind of loan arrangement worked out? Have they spoken to the bank re extending their interest only mortgage payment deal? What is the time scale being proposed? Two or three mortgage payments are a whole different kettle of fish to two or three years worth. Etc, etc.

It's obviously completely up to you if you want to throw money at your sisters mortgage and, tbh, I think it's a horrible position to put you in by your other sister and your mother but I think you have to understand that refusing to help out your family in their time of need could irreparably damage family relations or even come back and bite you on the ass if you ever find yourself in a hard spot. Tough one.

cyan95

Danniboo wrote: »

You should be grateful it's not you in this situation. How awful for you that you have to listen to your sisters problems, my heart goes out to you:rolleyes:

Don't donate the money fair enough, but if you've come on here to have your conscience relieved I wouldn't hold my breath, everyone should support their family and i'm not talking in monetary terms.

Yes I am grateful it isn't me and I do support my family in both emotional and monetary terms. I didn't come on here for my conscience to be relieved either.

kmick

Dont do it. Whats it going to be next paying her bills as well? If she cant afford it then she needs to trade down as suggested. if she puts it on at the right price it will take 2 months not 2 years but again its not your problem. If I were you I would suggest that at the very most you could give them an interest free LOAN of 5k to tide them over but that it must be paid back at the earliest opportunity and if you see them taking a foreign holiday or buying a new car that would also trigger a full repayment.

However that would be last resort for me. I would not loan money to family members unless they really were about to become homeless.

How Strange

I have a family member in a dire financial situation and none of us have been expected to contribute financially and I think I would be of the same mind as you if I was asked. I've got my own debts and loans to pay off so why do I have to feel obliged to pay someone elses too. On the other side if I were in your sisters situation I'd be equally mortified and angry that I'm being treated as a charity case.

I personally think it's very unfair of your mother and other sister to lay this guilt trip on you. It's actually none of their business and they'd also do well to keep out of it although it sounds like an ill thought out yet good intentioned knee jerk reaction.

Speak to your sister about it and tell her what your mother and sister are planning behind her back. She may be quite offended by the unofficial whip around on her behalf.

It's between your sister and her husband to navigate their way through their debt and find a way to manage it.

There's lots of ways you can support them without actually passing the begging bowl for them.

cyan95

My sister with the financial problems doesn't know we are talking about her. I know that she would go ballistic (as I would) but my other sister is "Ms Problem Solver" which normally involves throwing money at the problem and suddenly it is solved (not). Deep down, I don't think that she can afford the €500/600 either.

I have sympathy for her but both of them (esp the husband) is in denial his business is gone and yet he still goes to the office everyday like he doesn't want to believe it. He also drinks heavily.
My sister has a job but her net salary wouldn't cover the full mortgage payment and she has been subject to pay cuts etc.

dan_d

Are you paying your own mortgage??

I can safely say that if I was you, I just couldn't afford that, on top of my own mortgage. Your sister has to go into her bank and explain what's going on if she hasn't already.And she needs to put it in writing and try and work out a new repayment plan with them. I know she's family and all that, but to be honest, how long would she expect you to do this for, and what's their plan to sort all this out??

To me, the bottom line in all this would be that nobody is put on this earth to keep you (the "you" being your sister). Giving 100 eur for a month or two to cover a couple of bills...maybe. Paying her mortgage indefinitely....no.

Tell her to go and sort it out with her bank. She'll help herslef more if she has a record (written) that she's informed the bank of what's going on, than if you all try to cover for her and it eventually goes down the drain anyway.

Don't feel bad.

jimmycrackcorm

Simply explain that you cannot afford to contribute. If it helps to ease saying it then say you are getting a paycut also. They do have the option of selling their house and adjusting reasonably but to expect you to contribute indefinitely is unreasonable.

cyan95

Thanks for all your help - what most of you said I was thinking.

But the guilt trip that was laid on was not very nice when I said no and the strop that resulted from it and the "she is my sister and I'll help her on our own and you are selfish and spoiled" really bugs me. I have a tendency to overthink things and eventually cave in and they know that.

I have to get into a frame of mind that I can't be responsible for everyone and their actions. I will help where I can ( and I be happy to do so) whether it is monetary/emotional.

Thanks again

Danniboo

cyan95 wrote: »

Yes I am grateful it isn't me and I do support my family in both emotional and monetary terms. I didn't come on here for my conscience to be relieved either.

How by moaning that you are sick of their problems, it's not your sisters fault it's a recession.

shellyboo

Danniboo wrote: »

How by moaning that you are sick of their problems, it's not your sisters fault it's a recession.

It's not her fault either, yet she's the one expected to support her family financially. The OP is simply living in the real world - you cannot ask others to pay your way in this world, family or not. If the husband's business is gone and there's equity in the house it should be sold, simple as that.

PopUp

cyan95 wrote: »

My sister with the financial problems doesn't know we are talking about her. I know that she would go ballistic (as I would) but my other sister is "Ms Problem Solver" which normally involves throwing money at the problem and suddenly it is solved (not). Deep down, I don't think that she can afford the €500/600 either.

I have sympathy for her but both of them (esp the husband) is in denial his business is gone and yet he still goes to the office everyday like he doesn't want to believe it. He also drinks heavily.
My sister has a job but her net salary wouldn't cover the full mortgage payment and she has been subject to pay cuts etc.

Ah here, the sister in trouble hasn't even asked you to help out - this is all an idea dreamed up by your 'helpful' other sister??

Tell your 'helpful' sister to take a running jump and keep her nose out of other people's problems. If I was the sister in trouble I would be so embarrassed and offended to hear my sibling was trying to turn me into a charity case.

Trashbat

shellyboo wrote: »

It's not her fault either, yet she's the one expected to support her family financially. The OP is simply living in the real world - you cannot ask others to pay your way in this world, family or not. If the husband's business is gone and there's equity in the house it should be sold, simple as that.

I strongly agree here. Sometimes we have to take the hit and it is unfair to expect someone to bail you out if you acted in what is esentially and economically unsustainable manner.

Can't afford to live in your house? Simple, sell it.

The only real advice I can give here is that family and money matters should NEVER mix, as it'll only lead to grief and nothing else.

Unfortunately it doesn't appear can avoid mixing this. Good luck and hope it turns out ok.

LegacyUser

I have got stung in the past leanding cash to family and NEVER got it back.....

I wont give that muc, nothing in fact.....god they can sell and downsizn....what if
in a year or two you got into trouble....would she bail you out?

Best of luck in whatever you choose.

iguana

I was given some very good advice once about loaning somebody money when they are in financial trouble. If the money you loan them can "save" them, ie give them the breathing space to genuinely get on top of things, then if you can and want to help them, you should. However if all your money will do is slightly delay the inevitable then you are basically throwing money down a hole and not really helping them at all.

In this case I believe all your money will do is delay the inevitable. The surface of this recession has barely been scratched. If the husband's business is gone and he is still in denial about this, it will be a long, long time before they will be back to their old financial situation, if ever. Any money you give them to maintain their current status is money you are unlikely to get back and unlikely to save their house long-term.

If I was you I'd offer practical advice, an ear to your sister, advice about budgeting and coping long-term. If her husband is drinking excessively that will need to be addressed and it must be stressing her out a huge amount. But paying off her mortgage on an indefinite basis is, tbh, enabling behaviour and not any help at all.

jenny jinks

Never bail out people who get into financial trouble and are not realistic. All you are doing is feeding their habit. If people cannot learn to live within their means they will ovwerspend on the basis that there is always someone to bail them out. A friend of mine helped members of his family years ago. Now none of them talk to him. The recipient of the money often resents the person who gives it to them!
It would be different if there was an illness in the family and money had to be found, but subsidising a lifestyle is just lunatic.
Any money given to your sister will be just going down a hole. Your other sister might do it for a month or two and then get fed up.
Refuse to discuss the matter with your mother and sister so they can't pressurise you.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

How by moaning that you are sick of their problems, it's not your sisters fault it's a recession.

Anybody would be upset with the situation the op is in. Why would the op not be annoyed.and moaning she is expected to pay 500-600 because her sister decides to live in fantasy land and not take a hold of the situation.

Op dont worry about it you have a right to say no to her. This is not your problem she is a grown woman and needs to sell ther house if she cant afford it.

anomalous

your "fix-it" sister needs a reality check - just because yourself and your husband were sensible and managed to save some money does not mean that the rest of the family has a right to it and i would be seriously annoyed aswell if my family tried to put that sort of pressure on me

your sister has serious problems and will need support from all of you in the future so falling out with Ms fix-it and your mother over this wont help her but at the most you should offer her a loan of a fixed sum

Victor

cyan95 wrote: »

How could she live/rent in a three bed semi etc which I live in.

Are you saying the house is quite large?

Is it possible for them to take a lodger to help pay the bills? Or for the husband to use a room as an office?

They nee to keep a list of everything they spend and decide which is important, beer or a roof over their head.