My Boyfriend Living Off Me & Using Me To Pay All His Debts

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm under severe stress for the past year, I've lost all control. I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot concentrate, I've become jittery and nervous, I'm awaiting counselling recommended by my Doctor but need all the advice I can get. I'm not on any meds as I tried them before and they left me zombified.

I'm in a relationship for the past 12 years from the age of 18. It was tough and complicated right from the start but I persisted with it as I thought my boyfriend was financially stable and would be able to get an apartment with me (I was DESPERATE to leave my mothers' home as my life was HELL with her).

He was self-employed and earning a lot of cash but I soon saw the reality and discovered that he was in fact paying ALL his mothers rent (not just his share), ALL her bills, buying her a trolley full of groceries every week AND HANDING HER UP MONEY FOR HERSELF. So you can imagine how much she liked ME when I appeared on the scene... I was a MASSIVE threat to her but she put on the act very well in case he'd turn against her and leave.

Basically the woman has NO LIFE, her husband left her 20 years ago and she turned my boyfriend (her only son) into a husband substitute but not only that, she made it her mission to keep him down - drain him of every penny so that he could never be financially independent enough to live his own life separate from her. She is THE MASTER OF MANIPULATION, she plays dumb and helpless, up until 5 years into the relationship he GENUINELY thought she was dyslexic but suddenly one day she read out a newspaper article to us and he literally FELL off his chair!

The reality is she's an evil, bitter, scheming woman who has done everything she could to try get rid of me, including catching me up by the collar and shaking me then threw me to the floor (me 8 stone, her 16 stone) because I told her to butt out of our relationship and get a life of her own. I called the Gardai but didnt press charges cos I didnt want to break up with my Bf.

Anyway, I suffered on for 7 years until one day he finally agreed to move out with me. He was doing incredibly well at this stage but it all went the opposite way - for the first time in his life (aged 32) he began drinking - he made friends with some guys aged 20, 21, 22 ect and they all went party mad together.

Soon I discovered he was having an affair on me with a girl 5 years younger than me but she wasn't the only one, there were at least two others I found out about. One of the girls told me he'd said that me and him were fighting non-stop and that it was an on again/off again r/ship, but those things couldn't have been farther from the truth - we had been LIKE SOULMATES from the day we met.

I suffered a nervous breakdown that year. Not only because of what he'd done but because he refused to acknowledge the hurt he'd caused, he carried on as if I didnt exist, SAW me go from 8 stone to 7 in a few weeks, SAW the empty bottles of vodka I was drinking alone and stood by and watched me pack my belongings to go home to my mother, my worst enemy, knowing what she had put me through (and would again) and all the years I had tried to escape her. It was nothing short of a miracle i didn't take my own life that year.

Anyway, from that year on started his mounting debt. He was given credit by the truckload, from goods suppliers to financial institutions. He bought new cars, took holidays and really lived it up. Without me. I got dumped when success came. He owed me €7000 at the time and I could NOT get him to pay it back, I had to take it to court.

All the years I stood by him, waited patiently for him to live with me, all my savings and wages Id given to help him GAIN all the credit in the first place, all the bags of CHIPS I made do with in the car (never expected to be taken for a meal or anything), all the "I'll get you a birthday/Christmas/valentines present next year" excuses I took, all the sacrifices I made JUST TO BE WITH HIM, all for nothing now, I got dumped when success came.

We eventually got back together. When his party was almost over. I thought I'd gotten the old Bf back. But history repeated and I spent the next 5 years waiting to live together again. Financially, things took a huge downward turn for him and I found myself having to pay the odd credit card bill here, the odd car tax there for him. I have worked all my life and saved but never had a credit card to my name, never wanted to.

2 years ago I was working and well paid. I got a nice apartment to rent and we signed the lease together. A year ago, his business folded under, could not get any more supplier credit and customers disappeared. He had to sign-on. The credit cards (and there are 6 of them), his car finance, MASSIVE insurance and a big personal loan are now all being paid with his social welfare and he only gets €112 a week.

He had exactly €19000 last year in his savings account and he used it ALL to pay off some of his debts but still is NOWHERE NEAR being free from them. I had to give €6000 (YES €6000) out of my own account (Id had an accident at work), in dribs and drabs to help him get by and it all adds up to 6. A month ago i gave him €1000 to clear one credit card (so its now €7000), hoping that it would free him up to pay his half of the rent, JUST so I wouldn't have to keep asking and crying for it, but he isn't even paying that now all now, since December.

HIS RENT is coming straight out of MY ACCOUNT and I just cant DO this anymore, he KNOWS I have a bit of money and is literally holding me to ransom on it, telling me he HAS to pay his credit cards, HAS to pay this, HAS to pay that.

I have to pay all the ESB too now, I was doing all his washing for him, he was taking long hot showers every day, putting the heater on whenever my back was turned ect. Any groceries I buy he eats EVERYTHING on me and I don't mean just a bit, I mean, bring in 5 slices of ham and he'll eat 4 in one go and leave me with 1. And not only do I have to cook but then I'm serving him up FREE hot meals. If I buy a takeaway I have to buy him one too.

Tonight I had to tell him leave - there was enough spaghetti bolognaise left for one person. I was STARVING. I couldn't eat in front of him. I couldn't give it to him cos what would have hurt me is - he would have ate it and let ME go hungry, because thats how he is - mean and self centered. I was only trying to spare myself the hurt.

We haven't had a day out nor a night out in 18 MONTHS. I asked the other day to go for a spin and he ROARED at me "TAX MY F-IN CAR AND FILL UP THE TANK WITH PETROL AND U CAN GO FOR A DRIVE!"

He was NEVER EVER kind to me. Never treated me to ANYTHING. Only twice did I receive a Christmas present, in 12 years together. I paid for ALL my own expenses on a day/night out. I see now that my fairness only unwittingly demonstrated how good I was at managing money and that I wasn't a squanderer, therefore he must have seen me as some kind of 'fallback' or safety net.

I feel SO HURT and used. He hasn't made ONE exception for me for all the help and support Ive given him down through the years. Wouldn't even clean the windows other day when I asked him.

He's getting his dole now again tomorrow and 10 minutes' later its going to be all gone again - M-B-FCKN-N-A will get their lot, rest assured.

I just cant DO this anymore, my money is about to run out and I have NO WAY of getting the €7000 he owes me back, all I have is a signed statement from him.

He is LIVING OFF ME and it has WRECKED what was left of our relationship. ALL HIS DEBTS ARE HIS OWN! Not a single thing did he rack up on me! There is NOTHING to look forward to.

All I'm facing into is the fact that I may have to give up this apartment and go back to my mother. She is UNBEARABLE! I would NOT cope under her roof. And he's TOLD me thats what I MIGHT HAVE TO DO, with shrugged shoulders! I feel like he's gotten what he wants off me now and knows there's no more to give. Like a one-night stand that lasted well beyond the one night. The last 12 YEARS of my life, WIPED OUT, JUST LIKE THAT!
As though we NEVER happened.

He's living off ME now, the way his mother was living off HIM! How TF did THAT happen??? I made a decision not to have children with him for all the reasons above. But ironically I could cope BETTER as a single mum than with someone like him. I have a couple of friends but they're still caught up in the whole 'meet a man' dream, they're not true friends, they don't really want to KNOW other peoples problems, thats why I'm here after all!
I'm so lost in life. All I see is emptiness. I CANT think straight. I just don't have the strength.

Can ANYONE put logic to this madness? Any advice at all please? SOMETHING, ANYTHING please?

thanks

Victor

I think you need to set up a structure so that you can separate yourself from him. You don't need to go back to your mother - find a room in a shared house.

Some people are manipulative and have difficulty taking responsibility for themselves. The only thing you can do is cut them off.

How Strange

OP, the one thing that is resounding throughout your post is your helplessness. These things happen to you and you have no control over them. It's like you are a passive participant in this whole thing.

You really have to take control. This is your life and you're allowing all these people to manipulate you and walk all over you.

Get rid of that bf because he's bleeding you dry. From what you say there is nothing good, positive or healthy in that relationship for you.

As Victor said, don't go back to your mother. Rent a room in a house.

OP, stop repeating the same patterns over and over again and stand up for yourself otherwise people will continue to walk all over you and treat you like sh1t.

metrovelvet

You seem like a caring, loving and loyal, wholesome woman. I know you think you are doing the kind thing for this man. But you are enabling his disfunctions.

He will suck you dry until there is nothing left of you.

You have a martyr complex. You haven't 'had' to do any of this, you chose to do it. I do have lots of sympathy for you as I know how some people are master manipulators and suck every last bit of self esteem out of you, but you are a grown woman and you need to say enough is enough. There's no point complaining about how your boyfriend treats you when you're allowing him to do it. End it now. Don't be one of those awful middle aged women who are bitter and resentful because they let a man leech off them for years and then he scarpered with a younger woman. One day you'll look back and say 'what the hell was I thinking?'

LegacyUser

Read everything you said about your situation as someone is looking for advice from you.What would you tell your friend to do or your sister or even a stranger here asking for advice?

Pack his bags and throw him out! Let him go back to his mother and get the courts to make him pay back the money even in installments.You deserve a life and happy one!
He does not love you nor will he ever change.You are his crutch.You are been abused
.You escaped your mother who put you through bad life and now you are back in same boat with someone else.Have you no sisters or brothers? Break the cycle i know its hard.
Think of how you wrote all of how you are feeling and what he has done.You know you dont deserve it, don't put up with it anymore.
Go see your doctor when you have packed his bags and he will refer you to counsellor.Do not listen to his apologies or how he will change or crying.He does not deserve you.Don't take phone calls or speak to him because i know how manipulative someone can be.I was in a very abusive relationship and i felt exactly same as you,it took me time to realise what i was letting him do to me.The pity him stuff and making you feel sorry for him or feeling like you are beholden him(Which you are not).It takes time to see with a clear head again but you will,and the weight you will feel lifted off you will be worth it.Trust me.
Get out join groups gym,karate,swimming anything.Or even get in the car and go away for few days.Feel good about life again.
Get away from him. You are a very strong person to have put up with that for such a long time,so find the strength for you now and dont go back this time.No matter how much of a tug you feel to give him another chance or you feel lonely.Just keep saying no! You will be 41 then 51 and a shadow if you stay.
When you kick him out come back here and talk to people here we will be here to help
You deserve happiness do not think you have to settle for this any longer.
Best of luck let us know how you are doing XX

LegacyUser

Arjun Magnificent Visibility is right.

I've been there, wore the t-shirt. Martyr to the last. What did I get for my troubles. I am 42 years old childless, barely solvent, mentally fragile with an addiction on top of it all.

I won't bore you with my story. I managed to get away from him, it was extremely difficult, he sabotaged me every step of the way, he was a parasite too. I was a 'rescuer' and ended up co-dependant but I persevered until I got out. We had property in common and he went to tthe ends of the earth preventing me getting out. It took me years. Mental, emotional abuse. Psychological torture.

I have my own place now and am with someone new but at a time in a womans life when she should be relaxing back in a comfortable home and her grown up children should be surrounding her and supporting her, I am childless and looking at another 30 years slaving at work I hate and living in a tiny shoebox with nothing to show for my years of love and support given to an ungrateful user.

GET. OUT.

You have no property tying you down. This man is a loser and he is making you one too by association. He is like a drowning man dragging you down.

Don't p!ss good effort/money/love after bad. He won't change. He is programmed to suck the good out of you. He doesn't respect you, he views you with contempt. Wake up and smell the coffee. You only get one life. You have no kids, no ties to him.

FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY HE 'OWES' YOU.

Its not coming back. Leave with whatever you have. Write to the utility companies and get your name off the bills. Get on Daft, get into a share, I could not go home either as my father was abusive. You will only make it if you leave.

Stop allowing this man to use you as an income stream. You seem to think if you give endless, love, respect, sacrifice that it will all come back to you. IT WONT.

IIt doesn't work like that, this man views you as weak. To be fed upon. You are nothing more than food to him. GET. OUT. NOW.

ash23

At the moment you are paying his rent, for his food, his electricity, his car etc.....

Why on earth would you need to move home if you leave him? You're already supporting yourself and another person.

I suggest you take control.

Sit down with a pen and paper and list all YOUR outgoings (not his).
Check rent on a shared place or even a smaller apartment. I stayed in a relationship (albeit not abusive or anything liek you describe but unhappy all the same) simply because I was afraid to go it alone. I thought I couldn't afford it, that I wouldn't be able.
Well, he left me for someone else and I realised I can afford it, I can manage.

And I'm happy now, on my own.

The only thing stopping you here is fear. But you should be more afraid of living like this for the rest of your life or until he finds some other sucker to leech off after he has bled you dry.

Barracudaincork

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

I'm in a relationship for the past 12 years from the age of 18. It was tough and complicated right from the start but I persisted with it as I thought my boyfriend was financially stable and would be able to get an apartment with me (I was DESPERATE to leave my mothers' home as my life was HELL with her).

Well you reap what you sow OP, you only persisted with your relationship in the begining as you wanted to USE your boyfriend so you could get out of a situation, you hoped he would financially support you etc

How is he any different to you?

Danniboo

Hi Op,

It's harsh but you need to hear it, he only treated you like this because you let him. 12 years on why are you still allowing this to continue. Surely with 7k in savings and a good job and being a saver you could afford your own place or at the very least a house share with someone. No offence but maybe you're friends are not selfish like you say maybe after 12 years there plain fed up seeing how you've been treated and are out of ways to help you. Why have you spent so many years of your life with this elusive dream of you two living together? I actually can't believe you used the word "Soulmate" in your post, it sounds to me like it's anything but, it's not a healthy relationship. Maybe i'm wrong but if you read your post, you have not mentioned one nice thing about this guy. Get rid of him and start focusing on your own life and why you needed to stay with this guy who has drained you emotionally, mentally and financially. You deserve so much better OP. Best of luck x

Cheap Thrills!

OP, this is going to sting but you put your hand out to be slapped here.

Again and again and again. If you keep doing the same thing, don't be suprised if you keep getting the same result.

You have squandered a lot of time, money and energy on this loser.

It was a bad investment, don't keep on and on wasting more and more time and money on him. You are nothing more than a meal ticket to him.

You are 30, plenty of time to start again. The last 12 years are indeed a write off. You need to accept that. You can't love someone better. It can't be done. Cut your losses and get the hell out of there.

There are no prizes given in life for being the perfect victim. Your efforts are a waste of time. It is a very depressing thing to face and I am sorry for you.

You say your friends 'dont really want to know other peoples problems' but its likely they are pig sick of watching you make a fool of yourself over and over again for this ungrateful cur.

Cruel words OP, I'm sorry but throw out the denial and move forward. Do not pay one more cent of any of his bills/debts. You'd be better throwing the money down the toilet.

Move or throw him out and change the locks, one or the other. If you are paying all the rent and bills anyway, sure you'd be saving money. STOP cooking and cleaning for him.

Don't waste times looking for answers as to 'why' he behaved this way and why he didn't lvoe you like you deserved. The cold truth is he saw you coming, plenty of people will use others just because they can.

Miss Fluff

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

And not only do I have to cook but then I'm serving him up FREE hot meals. If I buy a takeaway I have to buy him one too.

Says who exactly???Your entire post is made up of having to do this and having to do that. You don't actually have to do anything. You also don't have to move back in with your mother. You also don't have to be a in a relationship with this guy.

Don't you think it's time you took control of your own life rather than blaming everyone around you for your lot? Every problem you have right now in your life is down to decisions you have made. Not doing anything about it makes you a martyr.

Time to take hold of the steering wheel for once and for all.

From as far back as I can remember, one of the many nuggets of advice my dear Dad has given us kids is that "if it's within your power to change something, then change it". And it's an adage I try to live by. So if you're unhappy with where you live? Move out. If you're a fat cow? Get yourself to the gym and stop going to the chipper. If you hate your job? Put steps in place to change your career. If you're in an unhealthy relationship? Get out of it.

While of course destiny is at play, it's also up to the individual to take those steps to contribute to their own happiness. And right now, you're only feeding the problem. Literally.

Lux23

Just pack his bags and change the locks. Let him pay his own debts and you can get on with your life. If you help with the rent, let out the spare room if you have one.

metrovelvet

I think you should call women's aid. What this is is domestic/financial abuse. He has scared you into keeping you there.

You either have to leave yourself or throw him out and change the locks. Take the bull by the horns in one swift move.

Pack and go. You dont have kids. You are not tied into property. You have way more leeway here than you know.

LegacyUser

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

loloray

Ok ok ok ok.

How about this. I've been in relationships where my OH had no money, and I'd look after everything, and also relationships where I didn't have as much, so then the OH would look after stuff. I think that's ok and kind of how a relationship will work.

The reason the boyf is only getting 112e to live off a week is because he is living with the gf, else he would get 196e. So to me a lot of the stuff seems fine. I mean, you weigh 8stone, so do I, most boyfriends are going to eat more food because they need to. Share the spagetti. I was getting a take-away, and my OH couldn't afford it, I wouldn't dream of ordering only for myself. When I eat in my boyfriend's, I don't see it as 'free food'. I think hot showers every day and turning the heating on aren't really luxuries (in our society) but sort of basic.
I just don't think it is an issue that you are paying more for food and bills. The issue is your attitude towards that.

However none of this takes away from the fact that it really doesn't look like you guys should be together.

I just mean, if you don't like paying for his food, it doesn't mean you should 'not pay for his food' - it means you shouldn't be with him.

After reading all the other stuff (e.g. affairs), well I think it's a good idea to get rid of him. And the whole bday/Christmas present thing - well that seems to reflect a real meanness on his part.

I think OP, I don't want to be mean, but you seem to have a major chip on your shoulder about everyone else - you don't like your boyfriend, you don't like his mother, you don't like your mother, you don't like your friends. Most of us love all those people in my life and I can't help feeling that you need to be a loveable person to surround yourself with people to love. Most people are really brilliant people, and maybe it's a result of your hard upbringing that you don't realise you deserve something so much more.

I hope you get out of this relationship and get the help you need soon. You're an articulate woman who I thnk doesn't realise how good life can be.

daisybelle2008

metrovelvet wrote: »

I think you should call women's aid. What this is is domestic/financial abuse. He has scared you into keeping you there.

You either have to leave yourself or throw him out and change the locks. Take the bull by the horns in one swift move.

Pack and go. You dont have kids. You are not tied into property. You have way more leeway here than you know.

I really don't see how this is domestic/financial abuse . There is two of them in it, willingly co-operating in this dysfunction. Just because someone refuses to take responsibility for their own happiness does not make them an abuse victim. She willingly gave him this money. She had her own messed up agenda from the beginning. As Judge Judy says to women who look for their money back after throwing it at loser boyfriends - 'you don't get compensated for being stupid'. Invariably they feel owed/entitled to some kind of soulmate relationship in return for the payouts. Same here. She expected some distorted vision of reality.
This line sums it all up:

'It was tough and complicated right from the start but I persisted'

Why, just why? No-one held a gun to your head, you are not guaranteed some happy ending. You did this willingly. It did not pay off. But instead of throwing in the towel you persisted for 12 years and are now p*ssed off it didn't go your way. That is not a victim of domestic/financial abuse. That is a victim of their own stubborness and unrealistic expectation.

metrovelvet

Did you not read the openning post? There is plenty to indicate that it is abusive.

And that is not to say that at times victims dont play a part in it. In systems of abuse there is a certain amount of brainwashing, so to talk about free will here is a fuzzy area, just read up on stockholm syndrome.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

daisybelle2008

metrovelvet wrote: »

Did you not read the openning post? There is plenty to indicate that it is abusive.

And that is not to say that at times victims dont play a part in it. In systems of abuse there is a certain amount of brainwashing, so to talk about free will here is a fuzzy area, just read up on stockholm syndrome.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

I did and do not see anything to indicate it is abusive. I can understand what you mean by a fuzzy area but (and it is just my opionion) I see a big martyr complex here and a victim mentality. I think she needs to take control of her own happiness, she has the finances & no dependents. There are others much more in need of womens aid. It would be a big step for her to control her own destiny and cut her dependency on other people for her happiness. Her using womens aid when she is in no physical or financial danger would just enable her lack of responsibility for herself.
The fact she has a major issue with almost everyone close to her (mother, friends, boyfriend, boyfriends mother) further indicates she needs to take responsibility and surround herself with healthier people and situations. Some people do not 'want' to be helped, they prefer to suffer and then whinge about the tough card they have been dealt and play the martyr and blame everyone else. She is using her boyfriend as an excuse to justify being miserable. They are using each other as much as each other. Womens aid would not do her an ounce of good but she should consider what will benefit herself in the long run.

Xiney

Cancel all direct debits that are not your own.

Find another apartment for yourself, and yourself alone. They are a dime a dozen these days anyway.

Pack up your things and move out.

Leave him to his own devices. It is not your job to take care of him - he has never taken care of you. Don't answer phone calls, don't let him in. In fact, if possible, don't even tell him where you're living.


Slowly regain back the confidence you've lost over the last 12 years and get on with your life.

Tmeos

Hi OP, I hope you are doing o.k. there is so much anger in your post, I hope getting it down in print may have give you some release.

I agree with what the posters above have said that you need to stop being passive in this situation and take control of your future happiness.

The issues with your boyfriend are not the finances but the relationship itself. If the relationship was good none of the bills would matter to you. The anger you feel over the finances is a symptom of your disappointment at how the relationship has panned out and after investing 12 years I can completely understand your frustration.

Bitterness and anger will not help you, like others have said you are in a lucky position to be financially independent, renting and without kids involved. You can break away from this relationship completely.

Start looking for a place for yourself. Start meeting new people and trying to surround yourself with more positive relationships. This may be difficult and scary after having so many disappointing relationships in your life so counseling may be of assistance to you here.

If you have learned anything from this it should be that you and only you are responsible for your happiness. Stop being a victim of others and start taking positive action to make your self happy.

Staying in this passive role will destroy you and at others around you.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Well you reap what you sow OP, you only persisted with your relationship in the begining as you wanted to USE your boyfriend so you could get out of a situation, you hoped he would financially support you etc

How is he any different to you?

Hoped that he would support ME financially? Are you having a laugh? Seriously?
Did you READ what I wrote?
USE HIM?
Excuse YOU!

I persisted in the beginning because I THOUGHT he was stable enough to pay HIS OWN WAY through life, as I always did. 50/50 EVERYTHING.
I thought he was a steady, responsible person, who would always put his half of everything on the table.
I witnessed first hand how pathetic his mother was, leeching off of him the way she was. It disgusted me. In a million years I wouldn't expect a man to support me in any financial way.
I was in a bad situation at home, yeah, so why WOULDN'T I WANT TO LIVE WITH A MAN I WAS IN LOVE WITH and not some random strangers in shared accommodation?

Was I NEVER supposed to want to get a place with him for ANY REASON?
The quiet life/companionship/time to be an independent adult/romantic reasons?
So you're saying I was with him PURELY so he'd pay for a flat, ALL my bills, all my food ect?
That's why I waited 5 YEARS for him to get our first apartment (and gave him a FEW THOUSAND QUID 2 years before that apartment), is it???

Really!...

Tmeos

That reply to just shows more anger and focusing on the negative in others (in this case Barracuda). You have disregarded all the helpful comments in the thread and chose instead to focus on what you perceive as a slight on you by another poster.

I understand your frustrations but you need to forget about the negatives in others and look inside yourself to try and find positive solutions.

daisybelle2008

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

Hoped that he would support ME financially? Are you having a laugh? Seriously?
Did you READ what I wrote?
USE HIM?
Excuse YOU!

I persisted in the beginning because I THOUGHT he was stable enough to pay HIS OWN WAY through life, as I always did. 50/50 EVERYTHING.
I thought he was a steady, responsible person, who would always put his half of everything on the table.
I witnessed first hand how pathetic his mother was, leeching off of him the way she was. It disgusted me. In a million years I wouldn't expect a man to support me in any financial way.
I was in a bad situation at home, yeah, so why WOULDN'T I WANT TO LIVE WITH A MAN I WAS IN LOVE WITH and not some random strangers in shared accommodation?

Was I NEVER supposed to want to get a place with him for ANY REASON?
The quiet life/companionship/time to be an independent adult/romantic reasons?
So you're saying I was with him PURELY so he'd pay for a flat, ALL my bills, all my food ect?
That's why I waited 5 YEARS for him to get our first apartment (and gave him a FEW THOUSAND QUID 2 years before that apartment), is it???

Really!...

You did everything with the best of intentions, so did he. You gave as much as you could. It is time to look forward to a new beginning. Tmeos gave excellent advice to you. Shared accomodation is not a bad thing. I have made some lovely friends from when I did. You could find a whole new life beyond your expectations. Make your peace with your mother and boyfriend in your head, they did the best they could, it is nothing personal and launch yourself into a new start away from upsetting situations.

Ickle Magoo

Sorry OP,

But you seem to be loath to take any personal responsibility. His mother was horrible because she was allowed to be, by him. Her bills were paid and whatever by her son because he agreed to it. You many want to paint her as the big monster here - and she does sound like a horror anyway - but the person giving her all the power was your bf.

I also don't understand why, after years of grief from his mother - 7 yrs ffs! Thousands of euros in hand-outs, affairs, disappointments, hurt, being dumped, etc, etc you still wanted him?! You say he hasn't made one exception - why did you accept that for 12 whole years? I understand you are angry at him but you should be really mad at yourself for facilitating him all this time when you could have been doing something so much more worthwhile.

Seriously now, you want logic - do what you should have done years ago & get out, get a place of your own and start living again! You're only 30yrs old, life isn't empty, you just have a parasite of a bf you are allowing to suck the joy out of you.

Best of luck!

Nevyn

LOSTinLIFE when are you going to start loving yourself enough?
When are you going to respect yourself enough not to put up with it any more?
The only person you can change is you, you have the power to change your life.
What changes are you willing to make to make your life better?

Cheap Thrills!

He is behaving to you exactly as his mother behaved to him. She freeloaded off him and now he is doing the same to you.

He dumped you and went off with other women when he was flush and only came back to you when he was needy...

When he had money he splurged it away, how did you get from that he was a responsible adult?

He never got you anything, was unkind, took your money to pay off his debts which he ran up totally irresponsibly, you had to take him to court to get it back and other money he won't ackowledge he even owes you.

You pay his rent and utilities, cook him meals and do his washing? You talk about him being your soulmate but admit he wouldn't care if you went hungry...?

His behaviour screams that he doesn't care about you, yet you refuse to listen and plough on through crisis after crisis regardless......

Why not just finish with him..? He is not going to change, this is who he is.

metrovelvet

OP was there a little tiny part of you that was so scared of him leaving you that you created in him a dependency [financial] on you?

LegacyUser

Tmeos wrote: »

That reply to just shows more anger and focusing on the negative in others (in this case Barracuda). You have disregarded all the helpful comments in the thread and chose instead to focus on what you perceive as a slight on you by another poster.

I understand your frustrations but you need to forget about the negatives in others and look inside yourself to try and find positive solutions.

Thanks Tmeos,

Oh I haven't disregarded anything, only just read through the posts as far as BarracudaCork's and had to immediately clear up a quite unfair comment,
Barracuda said that it was I who had set out to use my Bf from day one,
though I had explained my situation 100% truthfully in my OP.

I have since read all the other posts and believe me I AM EXTREMELY GRATEFUL for all the support, I NEED to be told to find new interests and meet new people,
my Bf was always used to me having the same job (which isn't very social) and knowing the same set of people, and always being at home and not going out at night,
so there was never a threat that I'd change, I'd always stay the same and that I suppose made him feel secure.
One poster said I could end up aged 40/50 and very bitter with my lot and I know this all too well.

I lack motivation and give up on things too easily.
I don't have a support network as I'm kind of scared to start something new on my own (the thoughts of walking alone through town at night to get a bus to an evening course terrifies me - I was badly beaten aged 17 one night, by a male and female in their 30's
who robbed me).
My friends ONLY want to see me in nightclubs (its ALL about good times and meeting men), they're VERY shallow, theres one I cant even go for coffee with - she ran home one day, an hour after meeting, to get ready for that night, and this was at 4pm...Trust me, I'm not a bore or anything, I'm actually very down to earth and witty!

I had a neglected childhood - my parents didnt care WHAT I did or didnt do
- I didnt even have to go to school, (even social services gave up on us),
they weren't bad or rough people, they just never wanted each other let alone me.
I was invisible. Spent most of my life alone. Only child.
As a result I became VERY withdrawn and I suppose attracted the kind of people who could domineer me.
What I needed was a strong, positive minded person, just ONE, in my life to guide me right, but because of the 'safe' life I try to live I never got to meet one.
But I'm going to try do all I can to change my situation, I just cant THINK straight anymore, I used be good at planning things on paper, late night brainstorming ect but to be honest I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START...

littlefriend

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

Hoped that he would support ME financially? Are you having a laugh? Seriously?
Did you READ what I wrote?
USE HIM?
Excuse YOU!

Well you did say in your original post - "It was tough and complicated right from the start but I persisted with it as I thought my boyfriend was financially stable and would be able to get an apartment with me".

Anyway, you came here looking for advice, haven't seemed to listen to any of it and have only replied giving out to one person who was trying to help you. What exactly are you looking for from this thread?

Your boyfriend is an asshole. He is treating you like this because you are letting him. You need to change your life or else you are going to become completely embittered.

Also, if you can afford to pay your boyfriends bills why not stop and put the money into improving your health [ie you won't have to wait for councelling if you go privately].

kryogen

its pretty clear you cant stay in this situation so you need to make a decision

are you going to go under with this guy or are you going to get rid of the deadwood and start again, unless you want to take the guy to court for the money he owes you, and at that you will need proof of everything and may still have to wait a long long time to get it if he is up to his eyes in debt, i suggest you literally just cut him out

If you can support him as you have been doing for the last while, you will have no problem supporting yourself without his **** on top of it trust me

He doesnt exactly sound like he has a lot of respect for you either and it seems to me he is only around cause you have become the substitute mammy for him who does everything for him and pays off his debts

He will more likely leave anyway whenever he gets himself sorted/finds someone else who he can manipulate

What you must understand here is that there is no future for you together

you need to look after yourself, do whats best for you, you have given this man everything and you are getting nothing back

Leaving is the hardest step, but once you take it you will see how much better life can be when you are not weighed down by a loser

good luck

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Sorry OP,

But you seem to be loath to take any personal responsibility. His mother was horrible because she was allowed to be, by him. Her bills were paid and whatever by her son because he agreed to it. You many want to paint her as the big monster here - and she does sound like a horror anyway - but the person giving her all the power was your bf.

I also don't understand why, after years of grief from his mother - 7 yrs ffs! Thousands of euros in hand-outs, affairs, disappointments, hurt, being dumped, etc, etc you still wanted him?! You say he hasn't made one exception - why did you accept that for 12 whole years? I understand you are angry at him but you should be really mad at yourself for facilitating him all this time when you could have been doing something so much more worthwhile.

Seriously now, you want logic - do what you should have done years ago & get out, get a place of your own and start living again! You're only 30yrs old, life isn't empty, you just have a parasite of a bf you are allowing to suck the joy out of you.

Best of luck!

Thank you Ickle Magoo!
Much appreciated.

Re your quote - I don't know if that's Einstein but here's here that I THINK might be -

A child does not need to have a brilliant memory nor a lightening mind to be a scientist
- all thats is required is that the child has an interest in science.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

I think you need to set up a structure so that you can separate yourself from him. You don't need to go back to your mother - find a room in a shared house.

Some people are manipulative and have difficulty taking responsibility for themselves. The only thing you can do is cut them off.

I LIKE your analytical thinking - "set up a structure", sounds v military!

And I see you are a Mod of the property section "find a room in a shared house"
- from your viewpoint - would anyone want to live with me (hides), a chain-smoker??? (...hides some more...)

Tmeos

"What I needed was a strong, positive minded person, just ONE, in my life to guide me right, but because of the 'safe' life I try to live I never got to meet one"

Lostinlife What you need to see is that you can be this person - you can be the strong positive minded person in your own life. You don't need to look for someone else to motivate you or to guide you because you can do all this for yourself.

Regarding the attack, that must have been a horrible experience and I definitely think some counseling could help you break down some of the walls you have built around yourself and maybe challenge the limitations of what you think you can and can't do. I went to counseling after a particularly traumatic time in my life and it helped me 100% to move on.

I really think you need to turn the focus inwards and look at the changes you can make yourself. The faults you see in your parents, your partner, his mother and your friends are all distracting your focus from the one thing you can actually control - your behavior and your life. They say the definition of madness is continuing to do the same thing time and again but expecting different results.

It's not easy but if make the changes then you can be the positive person you have been looking for to turn your life around.

Good luck with it.

Ickle Magoo

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

Thank you Ickle Magoo!
Much appreciated.

Re your quote - I don't know if that's Einstein but here's here that I THINK might be -

A child does not need to have a brilliant memory nor a lightening mind to be a scientist
- all thats is required is that the child has an interest in science.

My sig quote is Marie Curie but I like your quote too!

Misdirected anger aside, you come across as a likeable and capable young woman who's had a lot to deal with, I hope you see that in yourself and work towards a happier and more fulfilling life - it's in your hands! :cool:

LegacyUser

Got the Tshirt wrote: »

Arjun Magnificent Visibility is right.

I've been there, wore the t-shirt. Martyr to the last. What did I get for my troubles. I am 42 years old childless, barely solvent, mentally fragile with an addiction on top of it all.

I won't bore you with my story. I managed to get away from him, it was extremely difficult, he sabotaged me every step of the way, he was a parasite too. I was a 'rescuer' and ended up co-dependant but I persevered until I got out. We had property in common and he went to tthe ends of the earth preventing me getting out. It took me years. Mental, emotional abuse. Psychological torture.

I have my own place now and am with someone new but at a time in a womans life when she should be relaxing back in a comfortable home and her grown up children should be surrounding her and supporting her, I am childless and looking at another 30 years slaving at work I hate and living in a tiny shoebox with nothing to show for my years of love and support given to an ungrateful user.

GET. OUT.

You have no property tying you down. This man is a loser and he is making you one too by association. He is like a drowning man dragging you down.

Don't p!ss good effort/money/love after bad. He won't change. He is programmed to suck the good out of you. He doesn't respect you, he views you with contempt. Wake up and smell the coffee. You only get one life. You have no kids, no ties to him.

FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY HE 'OWES' YOU.

Its not coming back. Leave with whatever you have. Write to the utility companies and get your name off the bills. Get on Daft, get into a share, I could not go home either as my father was abusive. You will only make it if you leave.

Stop allowing this man to use you as an income stream. You seem to think if you give endless, love, respect, sacrifice that it will all come back to you. IT WONT.

IIt doesn't work like that, this man views you as weak. To be fed upon. You are nothing more than food to him. GET. OUT. NOW.

Thank you SO MUCH for your most sincere advice!

You really HAVE been there (a lot worse than most) and it shows in your words
- bits of you have been broken but the fact that you're here now, to tell the tale, demonstrates the strength of character you must now possess and your willingness to try advise ME, a strength that many people would otherwise not GAIN without some sort of awful turmoil.
I think many people can stay naiive until they finally burst out of a bad relationship,
I've heard that for a PHYSICALLY abusive r/ship it can take 37 attempts of leaving then returning before the final break of freedom is made. Think there was an ad on tv about that once. Funny the things you remember, huh?

Full praise to you for defeating one addiction - that person you got clean from.
If there is ANY way you can battle against the one that still has you,
for your OWN sake then please try fight it head on. No doubt its costing you your hard earned cash and you mention living in a "shoebox", well I know all to well what cigarettes are costing me a week and what I could have if I quit clean, you'll hear it from everyone unnafected, what you'd have in the bank if you didnt do x or y, and we both know thats often not enough to even make you CONSIDER quitting an addiction but you really need to get SICK TO YOUR TEETH of something, the way you'd tire of eating the same food day in day out and hate it so much
- I'll try put it this way - I know of an alcoholic and drug addict (same person) who will not TOUCH a drink or a substance on events like Christmas, Paddys Day, Good Friday ect - purely because he says "everyone else is doing it, so I dont want to"! Imagine!
Its almost like you want to SHOW people that you're in pain but when everyone else engages in drink/drugs, somehow they must feel left out and no-one will notice their pain during that particular time.
I suppose thats why a lot of alcoholics/drug dependents do what they do AT HOME (and not in stranger territory like a pub), so that friends and family can 'see' and acknowledge.
It is most definitely a cry for help. And it cannot be overcome alone, you MUST get solid help behind you.
I can tell from your wording (and Ive read your post a 100 times) that you are a very intelligent woman and women like us should NOT waste our abilities on useless men or debilitating addictions, unfortunately we HAVE and we DO but its time to get DESERVEDLY selfish for once and think about getting to number one in the charts.

LegacyUser

Tmeos wrote: »

"What I needed was a strong, positive minded person, just ONE, in my life to guide me right, but because of the 'safe' life I try to live I never got to meet one"

Lostinlife What you need to see is that you can be this person - you can be the strong positive minded person in your own life. You don't need to look for someone else to motivate you or to guide you because you can do all this for yourself.

Regarding the attack, that must have been a horrible experience and (A)I definitely think some counseling could help you break down some of the walls you have built around yourself and maybe challenge the limitations of what you think you can and can't do. I went to counseling after a particularly traumatic time in my life and it helped me 100% to move on.

I really think you need to turn the focus inwards and look at the changes you can make yourself. The faults you see in your parents, your partner, his mother and your friends are all distracting your focus from the one thing you can actually control - your behavior and your life. (B)They say the definition of madness is continuing to do the same thing time and again but expecting different results.

It's not easy but if make the changes then you can be the positive person you have been looking for to turn your life around.

Good luck with it.

Thanks Tmeos!

(A) I'm awaiting and looking forward to some counseling - I would find a stranger easier to talk with, as they don't know me and are neutral and objective.

and (B) That's Einstein, isnt it! I know that one well! So much for living by it tho, huh?
Should probably get that one tattood on my inner wrist, facing in...

LegacyUser

chapter5 wrote: »

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk by Portia Nelson

V

I walk down another street.

I SERIOUSLY didn't see THAT coming as the ending! Really. Shows how I think...
Thanks!

LegacyUser

Got the Tshirt wrote: »

Arjun Magnificent Visibility is right.

I've been there, wore the t-shirt. Martyr to the last. What did I get for my troubles. I am 42 years old childless, barely solvent, mentally fragile with an addiction on top of it all.

I won't bore you with my story. I managed to get away from him, it was extremely difficult, he sabotaged me every step of the way, he was a parasite too. I was a 'rescuer' and ended up co-dependant but I persevered until I got out. We had property in common and he went to tthe ends of the earth preventing me getting out. It took me years. Mental, emotional abuse. Psychological torture.

I have my own place now and am with someone new but at a time in a womans life when she should be relaxing back in a comfortable home and her grown up children should be surrounding her and supporting her, I am childless and looking at another 30 years slaving at work I hate and living in a tiny shoebox with nothing to show for my years of love and support given to an ungrateful user.

GET. OUT.

You have no property tying you down. This man is a loser and he is making you one too by association. He is like a drowning man dragging you down.

Don't p!ss good effort/money/love after bad. He won't change. He is programmed to suck the good out of you. He doesn't respect you, he views you with contempt. Wake up and smell the coffee. You only get one life. You have no kids, no ties to him.

FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY HE 'OWES' YOU.

Its not coming back. Leave with whatever you have. Write to the utility companies and get your name off the bills. Get on Daft, get into a share, I could not go home either as my father was abusive. You will only make it if you leave.

Stop allowing this man to use you as an income stream. You seem to think if you give endless, love, respect, sacrifice that it will all come back to you. IT WONT.

IIt doesn't work like that, this man views you as weak. To be fed upon. You are nothing more than food to him. GET. OUT. NOW.

Thank you SO MUCH for your most sincere advice!

You really HAVE been there (a lot worse than most) and it shows in your words
- bits of you have been broken but the fact that you're here now, to tell the tale, demonstrates the strength of character you must now possess and your willingness to try advise ME, a strength that many people would otherwise not GAIN without some sort of awful turmoil.
I think many people can stay naiive until they finally burst out of a bad relationship,
I've heard that for a PHYSICALLY abusive r/ship it can take 37 attempts of leaving then returning before the final break of freedom is made. Think there was an ad on tv about that once. Funny the things you remember, huh?

Full praise to you for defeating one addiction - that person you got clean from.
If there is ANY way you can battle against the one that still has you,
for your OWN sake then please try fight it head on. No doubt its costing you your hard earned cash and you mention living in a "shoebox", well I know all to well what cigarettes are costing me a week and what I could have if I quit clean, you'll hear it from everyone unnafected, what you'd have in the bank if you didnt do x or y, and we both know thats often not enough to even make you CONSIDER quitting an addiction but you really need to get SICK TO YOUR TEETH of something, the way you'd tire of eating the same food day in day out and hate it so much
- I'll try put it this way - I know of an alcoholic and drug addict (same person) who will not TOUCH a drink or a substance on events like Christmas, Paddys Day, Good Friday ect - purely because he says "everyone else is doing it, so I dont want to"! Imagine!
Its almost like you want to SHOW people that you're in pain but when everyone else engages in drink/drugs, somehow they must feel left out and no-one will notice their pain during that particular time.
I suppose thats why a lot of alcoholics/drug dependents do what they do AT HOME (and not in stranger territory like a pub), so that friends and family can 'see' and acknowledge.
It is most definitely a cry for help. And it cannot be overcome alone, you MUST get solid help behind you.
I can tell from your wording (and Ive read your post a 100 times) that you are a very intelligent woman and women like us should NOT waste our abilities on useless men or debilitating addictions, unfortunately we HAVE and we DO but its time to get DESERVEDLY selfish for once and think about getting to NUMBER ONE in the charts.

BumbleB

op dont become one of those posters that when they hear something they dont want to hear react badly to them. Just sit back and analyse the excellent advice given by previous posters.

Rome wasn't built in a day, stop focusing on all the hurt ,it is counterproductive to where you want to be. You need to make a plan .

People who are successful formulate plans in their head from an early age and adapt their plans as to theyre life unfolds.

You also need to lose the anger and the more you resist things that are going against the more they will prevail .


Focus on what you need to do to get out and live the life you want .Even do one thing a day to improve your life .The cumulative effect of doing one thing a day over a period of a year is phenomenal .

The first step is to take back all your power and tell your waster boyfriend to get out of your life.



Focus on the positive .

Youre only 30 which is an absolute huge plus in your case .:):):):)

Danniboo

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

My friends ONLY want to see me in nightclubs (its ALL about good times and meeting men), they're VERY shallow, theres one I cant even go for coffee with - she ran home one day, an hour after meeting, to get ready for that night, and this was at 4pm...Trust me, I'm not a bore or anything, I'm actually very down to earth and witty!
...

Why are you're friends shallow? Because they want to go out and have fun and enjoy themselves? You say your friend wanted to head home at 4pm to get ready, maybe she wanted to potter about have a shower lounge around in her jammies do her nails have some dinner, do her hair, that would seem like a perfectly normal Saturday evening before going out on the town to me, why do you think this was wrong? Or is it possible that you spent that hour giving out about how your life is and would this be the reason that your friends only want to meet you on nights out? I'm not being mean OP, but i'm guessing these friends have stuck with you for 12 years seen as you haven't met any new people and have probably heard the ins and outs of your relationship 1000 times and then you repay them by saying they're shallow and all about going out and meeting men. They're young women enjoying their lives you should be happy not resentful towards them. You seem very bitter for a young woman OP, try and look at the joy in life before you end up old and alone.

The Sweeper

OP - the day you're waiting for?

The day where he tells you he's sorry, and that he understands and appreciates all the things you've done for him - the day he pays you back in full and offers to take you out for dinner - the day that he says he understands what a controlling bitch his mother was, and thanks you for tolerating her for 12 years - the day he says he's never taking a credit card out again and wishes he never had - the day he says he wishes he'd been more sensible and appreciated what he had when he had it - the day he says he loves you and sees things from your point of view - you know that day?

It's not going to happen.






Ever.

LegacyUser

BumbleB wrote: »

Even do one thing a day to improve your life .
The cumulative effect of doing one thing a day over a period of a year is phenomenal .

Much obliged!
Thank you BumbleB!

Barracudaincork

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

Hoped that he would support ME financially? Are you having a laugh? Seriously?
Did you READ what I wrote?
USE HIM?
Excuse YOU!

I persisted in the beginning because I THOUGHT he was stable enough to pay HIS OWN WAY through life, as I always did. 50/50 EVERYTHING.
I thought he was a steady, responsible person, who would always put his half of everything on the table.
I witnessed first hand how pathetic his mother was, leeching off of him the way she was. It disgusted me. In a million years I wouldn't expect a man to support me in any financial way.
I was in a bad situation at home, yeah, so why WOULDN'T I WANT TO LIVE WITH A MAN I WAS IN LOVE WITH and not some random strangers in shared accommodation?

Was I NEVER supposed to want to get a place with him for ANY REASON?
The quiet life/companionship/time to be an independent adult/romantic reasons?
So you're saying I was with him PURELY so he'd pay for a flat, ALL my bills, all my food ect?
That's why I waited 5 YEARS for him to get our first apartment (and gave him a FEW THOUSAND QUID 2 years before that apartment), is it???

Really!...

No need to shout, i can read and understand what you say without it.

Anyhow, to comment on what you said above, no i didnt say you were to never get a place for any reason, but you gave the impression it was so he could pay, however, you have now cleared that up and its only as you thought he could be his own way and you didnt want to live with strangers. Neither of those reasons scream of someone in love, which is what i was saying, you were using him to help you out of your bad situation.

Op, aside from the above, the rest of your posts are all about how hard done by you have been, you havent and dont appear to want to take responsibility for your own part in the past 12 years, you have to be accountable for your own actions and choices.

I hope you get out of this relationship and move onwards and upwards with your life, you have it in you too! I say this as you must have a good job to save so much etc There is more to you than this guy!

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

Why are you're friends shallow? Because they want to go out and have fun and enjoy themselves? You say your friend wanted to head home at 4pm to get ready, maybe she wanted to potter about have a shower lounge around in her jammies do her nails have some dinner, do her hair, that would seem like a perfectly normal Saturday evening before going out on the town to me, why do you think this was wrong? (A) Or is it possible that you spent that hour giving out about how your life is and would this be the reason that your friends only want to meet you on nights out? I'm not being mean OP, but i'm guessing these friends have stuck with you for 12 years seen as you haven't met any new people and have probably heard the ins and outs of your relationship 1000 times and then you repay them by saying they're shallow and all about going out and meeting men. They're young women enjoying their lives you should be happy not resentful towards them. You seem very bitter for a young woman OP, try and look at the joy in life before you end up old and alone.

(A) Nope. Absolutely NOT. Believe me I know BETTER than to even think of going to this girl for suggestions.
I told her all my business in THE HISTORICAL PAST and you know one of those people who act all smug when they've gotten the info, yet reveal NOTHING of themselves?
When you first attempt to put your trust in someone you're taking big risks
- You dont know how that person handles confidential information
- will they spread gossip? ect but a really tough thing to accept is someone who shows no empathy (no moral support even though they haven't experienced a particular situation),
especially hurtful when you've always been there for that person, dropped plans for them and - went out with her hundereds of times because she had nobody else to go out with (and I thought it would bond us) at the expense of my cash AND BF not speaking to me for a week at a time BECAUSE I went out with her
- and this she KNEW very well
- but would NEVER meet ME the following day when I was stuck in and upset that he wasn't speaking to me. "No, I'm relaxing" she would say "hungover now".

There are just some people in life who take all they can, use you for all sorts of reasons then don't want to know when YOU need a friend.
Don't be so quick to point the finger.
I have a Bf who has used me for all he could get AND I have a friend who's only interested in me so i can accompany her on nights out JUST so she can meet men. And she dropped me on several different occassions when she got dates as a result of me going out with her. Dropped for STRANGERS. That doesn't feel good.
This is a girl who you have to SCHEDULE appointments with, you cant just call her up, no, you have to text "when will you be available for a chat?" and you'll likely get "next Tuesday week" as a reply. She takes herself and her 9-5 WAY too seriously.
I have stopped speaking to her, no arguement, nothing, but is she wondering WHY?
No. Cos she's found a replacement to go disco with her.

A friend/relationship is meant to be a two way street. Accidents happen when you fly up a one way.
I am by nature a very caring person but I guess theres people out there who see this as a weakness to exploit.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Anyhow, to comment on what you said above, no i didnt say you were to never get a place for any reason, but you gave the impression it was so he could pay, however, you have now cleared that up and its only as you thought he could be his own way and you didnt want to live with strangers. (A) Neither of those reasons scream of someone in love, which is what i was saying, you were using him to help you out of your bad situation.


I hope you get out of this relationship and move onwards and upwards with your life, you have it in you too! I say this as you must have a good job to save so much etc (B)There is more to you than this guy!

(A) I was totally head over heels with him from day one. I wouldn't have waited for him if I wasn't.
I dunno, maybe he never loved ME, saw ME as a friend and sadly thats how I see HIM now too. The passion, the trust, its all gone. All that remains is a person I now see as a brother.

(B) I hope you're right! Should my change of life come to pass...

Taltos

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

(B) I hope you're right! Should my change of life come to pass...

What the ****
Seriously - been staying out of this - but --- please reread your posts - especially this one. What do you mean - should my change of life come to pass..

As a few others have suggested - only you have the power to really control your life. If you sit there and wait for things to happen then they might - but rarely in the way you want.

It might be scary, it might be hard - but your life can change. It can change right now.
a) Decide on what you want
b) Break it down into small steps & set targets
c) Then day by day work to each of those steps - it might be slow - it might be tedious - but it will happen for you. BUT - only if you believe in yourself, and if you don't - start right now. Just keep repeating in your head - "I AM THE BOSS OF ME"... And keep all those other thoughts out - don't waste time analysing now where it all went wrong; what you could have done differently - chances are based on your desc of him - this is how it was fated to end up - and nothing you could have done would have altered it one jot.

Analyse later - plan and act now...

Step 1. Check your finances - do this tonight / tomorrow
Step 2. What can you afford rent wise - share / etc.. - you will know tomorrow...
Step 3....

Believe - Plan - Do

FYI - at 30 - this should be the best time of your life - embrace it and stop letting this leech bleed all the life from you.

Chinafoot

This thread makes me really sad. It makes me sad because I really believe that you will cling on to this relationship (if you can even call it that) for dear life and you will waste even more years of your life on a nasty piece of work that doesn't love or respect you. I hope you'll prove me wrong OP, for your own sake.

In these situations there are no victims, only volunteers.

littlefriend

OP - what do you want to happen?

Barracudaincork

LOSTinLIFE wrote: »

(A) I was totally head over heels with him from day one. I wouldn't have waited for him if I wasn't.
I dunno, maybe he never loved ME, saw ME as a friend and sadly thats how I see HIM now too. The passion, the trust, its all gone. All that remains is a person I now see as a brother.

(B) I hope you're right! Should my change of life come to pass...

Good that you see him as your brother now, this will make the break away from him easier, especially as there will be no physical attraction etc (i mean who wants to have sex with their brother!!!) and it will make it easier to fancy other men. however, i think another relationship should be put on hold until you get your life sorted and on track.

Re your comment B! Grrrr! A change of life never ever ever ever comes to pass, it is something you look for, you work for and you earn! I wish you could see that, this life owes you nothing, you owe it!

Miss Fluff

Chinafoot wrote: »

In these situations there are no victims, only volunteers.

That deserves a trademark! So true, couldn't agree more. Any change for the better now needs to be orchestrated by the OP as she is willingly putting up with all the sh1t she is tolerating at the moment.