Dating!!!!!

Squor

Hi guys, just looking for a few opinions, hope I am posting in the right spot!!! Well here goes, have been single for a good while now but in recent times I decided its time to get back out there. So tried internet dating........ I think I gave it a good shot and I seen a few girls I liked and sent them mails, think I sent 6 in total, all bright and breezy and chatty, nothing serious or anything and got blanked 6 times!!!!!!!!!

Now I felt my profile was all very much ok and got plenty of viewers and nobody mailed me, which is fair enough, us lads should prob do the chasing (hope that aint too controversial). I had a few pictures up, just me out and about and that, I aint an ogre or anything so I just am all confused about the whole thing. Said i was looking for dating on it, not any one night or meeting for fun kinda thing. So I think its back to the pub and club scene for me, hey maybe I am too delicate for internet dating!!!!

Anyhow, anybody with any experiences please share so I can learn something from it all, and any pointers for my new phase would be greatly appreciated

Cheers

G-Money

That happens to all of us OP unfortunately. I can't speak for girls, but I'm a guy and there are times I've sent loads of mails out and got 0 replies. Depending what site you are on, you can see if they read your mail or not and whether they checked out your profile. I've been on a few sites in my time and lost count of the number of mails I've sent that have been read, the girl has checked my profile and never responded.

It might sound cold, but for this reason more than others, I tend to email quite a few girls. I learnt early on that if you limit the number of girls you contact on those sites to just a handful, your chances of getting replies are pretty slim. In fairness, I'm sure some girls get tons of emails, but at the same time if they have time to read your mail, read your profile and still not reply, then you should immediately move on to someone else.

Having said that, I don't mail just anyone. I'll go through the results of the search, or at least the first few pages. If I see someone I like, I'll read their profile and if they are still interesting to me, I'll send them a mail. But once I do, I immediately go back to the results and look for someone else. It's not me wanting to be a "player" or some crap like that. It's just a simple fact with online dating sites, you have to cast a very wide net. If you don't, your chances are pretty low. That's just my own experience. If I ever doubt myself in that respect, I always remind myself that I'm sure the girls are talking to multiple guys too.

I suppose when it comes to trying to get them to respond, I will put something hopefully interesting and funny in my mail to them. If you can pick something out of their profile and comment on it/talk about it, that's always good too. I think a lot of guys can just basically do a copy and paste of the same generic mail. Or they just say something like "hello, how are you?" and that's all their email says. In my own experience, if you can comment on something in their profile or something interesting, you've a much better chance of getting a reply. Also, throwing in a cheeky but not offensive comment can help if done right.

Having said all that, there are some girls out there with the most boring profiles ever. I've been on sites and seen girls who from their pics, seem quite attractive. But I've read their profile and it's been so bland and boring, that I just closed it and went to the next profile, without even contacting them. I mean some of them will be some boring one or two liner like "oh I like going out shopping, spending times with my friends and the outdoors" and that's it.

I also narrow down who I contact based on what they are looking for (relationship wise, person wise, looks wise). Like I'm a bit overweight so I never contact a girl who says she's looking for someone with an athletic/toned physique. It can be pretty obvious which girls are more hung up on looks than others, so I factor that in to whether I contact them or not.

On occasion you might get the odd copy and paste emails from girls too. I got one last night and I could see that she read my profile, but her message was 100% a copy and paste of the same message she sent other guys. You will also get some scam emails from "girls" too. They usually tend to be very elaborate and will be stuff like "I am looking for a man who loves, who knows that love is what we need and who will be my life partner" etc etc. They're usually a bit full on and 99.9% of the time she will include her email in the first message she sends you. I'm convinced that those are con emails so I just delete them and don't respond. It doesn't help that they sometimes say in the email that they checked out your profile and it obvious they didn't.

Anyway, hope some of this helps. Just keep plugging away. Like I can go a while with getting no replies and then one day I'll get two or three girls initiate contact with me (yesterday being an example, I had two girls email me to start things off).

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I may be one of the woman you have mailed on those sites, and I may not have replied. Here's my expeirence.
I too had been single for a long time and decided to try internet dating. I created what I thought was reasonable decent profile and put my picture up. I got several replies, alot of the 'bright and breezy' ones you said you sent. Others starting with the worst opening line in internet dating 'hi hun'...so i replied, full of enthusiasm and delighted that these men would mail me. Most of them didnt write back. Like yourself, my confidence was knocked. So i deleted my profile.

But I bounced back and a few weeks later, decided to give it another go. I created another profile and I received the exact same 'bright and breezy' emails from the same guys who had approached me the first time. None of it was personal. It was obviously the same message they sent to every woman on the site and I thought 'he's sending that exact same message to 50 women at a go'.

The odd time, I log on and see who's there. And I get the same messages..from the same men..who have forgotten they had messaged me a month ago but just see what they think is 'new blood' and do a copy&paste with their opening message...its such a turn off!

My advice would be to read the womans profile, personalise your message to her - if you see she likes reading for example, ask her what book she's currently reading.

Perhaps you havent dont the copy&paste type messages but I know of a few friends on a few of those sites who also get the same messages from the same guys, everytime they log on...
My advice would also be to not take internet dating too seriously at all...I gave it up because to be honest, I dont want to be judged purerly by my photograph...
Best of luck Op

Squor

Hi,

Thanks for the replies some good info in there. Well I can say that I wouldnt copy and paste e mails, I took the time to read peoples profiles, learn something about the person and comment on it, be it job or cooking, reading the gym or whatever. I think I was too aware of myself in my approach, didnt want to come across all wrong and thats why I went the bright and breezy approach. I wouldnt send 20 mails at a time or anything like that, I wouldnt be a player or ever want to be either. I was a bit selective.

As for people not responding, I wouldnt take that personally at all, they could have been talking to someone else or indeed been genuinely not interested so they wouldnt respond, thats cool with me, was just concerned about my profile or that from what ye say there is nothing to worry about.

I was thinking about this last night when I was writing this (I was working, it wasnt a late night drunken rant ha ha), I think trying to talk about myself to strangers without them being there is hard, I think you can really judge a lot from their body language and that can lead you to the next stage or indeed the next person if they aint interested, thats probably a thing I have to work on.

I think all this ties in with what you say about quitting these sites, not knocking users or anything like that, nothing ventured nothing gained and all that, but I would like to think when I do meet somebody that they would like me for who I am not what I look like or anything else superficial.Its also heartening to hear I aint they only one out there looking, all my friends are married and having kids and all, that would be a long term hope for me, I just sometimes wish I could start my journey as it were, thats why I decided to get back out there and try, and am glad I have and I am gonna keep going. Maybe speed dating could be worth a shot, anybody tried it?

mobilecore

Sadly the reason why these dating sites are terrible for guys is because there is too much male competition.
Mate, there is no point on even using these. Apart from the cheer competition there are other aspects but thats another topic. Fact is women can log into their account and have 10+ mails within 10 mins. Just from the people online.

I think most men should stay away from these sites they have the potential to damage your confidence. You can mail up to 20 women. Who knows even more. And not 1 could reply. That can make you feel unwanted. Everyone is flesh and blood after all.

Dating sites are only useful for women. Sure they encounter problems of their own (guys only wanting sex etc) but still better for female users. I know this isnt a "P.C." answer but even after all I mentioned above still stay away. You can encounter bad situations. Alot of women dont give alot of men who mail them the chance. Even if they reply back what usually happens is they stop mailing as someone else has got their attention. Then repeat. Basically women have "the power" on websites. Heck, is that even different than real life I guess, lol.


As for speed dating. You should give it a shot
But I would say putting yourself out there more in the real world outside of the pub scene would probably be better.

mood

Op it might just take some time. Glad to hear you read profiles and don't just spam girls.

If you want I could look at you profile and give you an honest female opinion.

redskies

I actually joined here after reading this post. All I want to say is, you're not alone, and thank god I'm not alone. I'm new to Dublin, so nevermind meeting a girl, its hard enough to make new friends.

Keep up the good work. Maybe drop me a message if you find the secret to meeting someone

LegacyUser

mobilecore wrote: »

Sadly the reason why these dating sites are terrible for guys is because there is too much male competition.
Mate, there is no point on even using these. Apart from the cheer competition there are other aspects but thats another topic. Fact is women can log into their account and have 10+ mails within 10 mins. Just from the people online.

I think most men should stay away from these sites they have the potential to damage your confidence. You can mail up to 20 women. Who knows even more. And not 1 could reply. That can make you feel unwanted. Everyone is flesh and blood after all.

Dating sites are only useful for women. Sure they encounter problems of their own (guys only wanting sex etc) but still better for female users. I know this isnt a "P.C." answer but even after all I mentioned above still stay away. You can encounter bad situations. Alot of women dont give alot of men who mail them the chance. Even if they reply back what usually happens is they stop mailing as someone else has got their attention. Then repeat. Basically women have "the power" on websites. Heck, is that even different than real life I guess, lol.

.

I don't agree with this. I'm American and most of my friends in the States use dating websites regularly. Meeting people socially is done online, for all types of situations.

I have used some of the dating websites since being here in Ireland, from my experience and from some very attractive, nice Irish women I know - they do not receive many emails. But they do get a lot of spam, and copy pasta which you can smell a mile off, why do it? Why not change your words and keep it fresh?

Its hard to get an idea of what some guy is really like from a photo, but sometimes you just know that you would not be attracted to him. That's just a personal thing.
Hell, the next girl who sees his photo might think there is something about him worth following up! She might think his eyes are lovely or he looks like the kind of man she would love to meet.

Bland emails are the most off putting thing. Humor is so important, especially to women.
Maybe you write a great email, but she thinks nice guy-but not for me. Don't give up, again the next girl who you spend the time to write an ORIGINAL, interesting and maybe funny email will be keen to meet you!

Remember there are loads of great women out there, and they are using those same websites. Sometimes you have to weed through a lot of dross to get to the prize!

mobilecore

Cocochanel2010 are you male or female?

There has been a topic of discussion about dating sites on here before and having original, interesting mails are a must. everyone agrees with this. You cant just do the usual "Hi" mail.

But even then, as the op says, you can just encounter alot of read mails and no reply. Fact is most dating or even social networking sites have a higher rate of men than women.

Talking and approaching girls in bars can be a hard thing for certain people. Thats why some would turn to dating sites. But it doesnt take much for someone to send a mail behind their keyboard. Hence why women get so many mails. I had a female friend who joined a dating site. Only for a week. She got 90 mails. Everytime she would log in about 10 private chat requests would pop up. No matter what time.

Squor

Thanks for all the comments guys, am getting a few perspectives here. Firstly its great to see that I aint on my own, I think that always helps!!!!! Well I would never just spam a girl, I wouldnt see the point, and I never copied and pasted either, cause when you read the profiles, each girl is different, all have different likes so pointless in copy and pasting!!!

I agree that its hard to get a view wether you like someone from just a photo, and on the site a couple of girls even said that on their profiles. Having said that, a photo is important, most people said that on their profiles, its true that there has to be some sort of physical attraction. I wouldnt consider myself superficial but I wouldnt e mail someone who hadnt got a photo up, I am not sure the reason for this, but I felt if I took the plunge (I aint brad pitt, I aint an ogre either), maybe I am wrong on that, I certainly wouldnt want to offend someone by saying that, I guess thats just me

As for original e mails, its hard to be too original in an initial e mail, I never got past that stage, again, maybe I should have had a bit more patience, I may go back to it, but in an initial e mail, you have about 5 or 6 lines of info on a person, what they like, walking, going to the gym, cooking or what they work at, you can only comment on so much in that first e mail, if I had have gotta response I would have commented on what they said and thus we have conversation, but it didnt.

I see someone said they got mails saying "hi hun" that is just not me, maybe I am wrong, I would have said, "hi there and then blah blah blah", or hi (the persons name) and then blah blah blah. Is my approach to generic?

Mobilecore, thanks for all the comments, but you say, get out in the real world and away from the pub scene, prob better. I agree with you, the whole pub scene its hard, seeing a girl you like, in a group of friends, you dont know if she has a bf or if she is single and just out with her mates, you have to be careful not to intrude, its a minefield, but where else could you go and chat up people, maybe the girl in the coffee shop every morn, I think I seen that in a film, but would ideas like that be ok. Talk to girl, find out about her, see if she has a ring on her finger or try to see if she is seeing someone, you have to build that rapport, are these approaches socially acceptable?

On the websites it lists what you do, I kept it simple, admin, and to me it doesnt matter what you work at as long as its honest, but girls, is it really important what a guy does, obviously I wouldnt be talking about income levels on a site, but are they important too? I would personally think not, I really think Irish women are so much better than that

gandalf

Hi I am off the dating scene permanently hopefully as I am married now. But in my past single life I used Internet dating sites.

What I found is yes it is hard to get noticed if you are a guy but you need to make an effort to get noticed. If these sites have single night get togethers (not sure if they do anymore but they used to) go out on them. That way if you do see someone you like approaching them is easier as you have already met. Use the chat rooms and interact with people again if they like what you are saying then it is easier to ask them out on a date. Most of all do not send out "formula" emails, people spot those easily as someone already said show you have taken interest in what the woman said in her profile, that you are interested in them and want to know more about them.