Commitment-phobe/self esteem issues

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I don't really know how to get into this without writing a thesis, it feels like it's a can of worms. But I'd really appreciate your insight nonetheless.

I'm 24, female and have never had a serious relationship. Which is grand, I mean falling in love is not something you can force and it's not my be-all-and-end-all, but I feel like the reason for this is that I am a closed shop, so to speak. Like I'm making that aspect of myself 'off limits'. I really want to change this before I become a bitter old woman!

My whole love life since day one has consisted of a string of flings, random kisses, a few one night stands, and a **** buddy scenario. I'm at the stage where I don't actually know how to actively pursue a relationship with someone - I'm either going too far with them too soon and therefore setting the template for what will only ever amount to a sexual thing, or not going far enough and not expressing the interest I have and therefore pushing them away. I just feel completely incompetent when it comes to getting into a relationship.

In the past six months I have had two one-night-stands, never heard from the men again...a handful of random kisses with guys I met on nights out; a few flirty banters here and there, and then two weeks ago I met a guy out in Galway, flirted, kissed, swapped numbers, have texted a lot...and now I feel like I may be pushing yet another one away. I quite like this guy, he's hot and really funny, but I just feel like I will be a let down if we meet again. Because he's so hot I keep telling myself he's a player who's out for what he can get, so why bother.

I've also tried internet dating and have chatted to a good few really lovely guys, but always fell short of meeting up with them as I can't seem to even bring myself to do that. I just feel like I will be a disappointment and I could not handle the rejection.

Truth is, I can't really see why anyone would be attracted to me, even though it all looks good on paper. I'm a pretty girl - 'cute' is a word I get a lot (sorry for how this comes across I just want to spell this out!), I'm friendly and chatty, get on with pretty much anyone, up for the craic, intelligent, ambitious, have a good job and great family/friends...why can I just not believe in myself? This just makes me so sad. And I'm pretty sure it's what's working against me in my love life.

I have a history of an eating disorder that has left me with a poor body image and on-going food issues and in my head, I need to lose at least a stone before I'm 'ready' for a relationship. I'm of normal weight and certainly not overweight and know how ridiculous this is, but I just can't stop this thought. I just can't accept myself and because of this I can't let anyone really get close to me.

Does anyone have any insight as to what I can do to turn things around? I'm really in a bit of a rut here and need to get out of it.

AARRRGH

Lots of people have self-esteem issues, so what you're experiencing is fairly normal.

I'm just going to give you one suggestion: join the gym.

It will boost your energy levels, help you lose that extra stone, and above all, will make you feel good about your body.

Actually I am going to give you another suggestion. Stop obsessing about meeting a guy. I'm being serious when I say we can sense these sorts of things. So just relax, enjoy yourself, and everything will work out.

Squor

Hi, I am with AAARGH on this one. I have found the best way to get over feeling bad about myself is to get active. I have had a very good start to 2010, I feel good about myself and my thing is getting out and walking 5 miles a day or going to the gym. I know it sounds a lot but its just over an hour and it does wonders for me.

As for the relationship thing it does get easier although I myself am un attached I have found that by getting active had had the knock on effect to my confidence and I feel much more comfortable chatting up women. I try not to suffer from the dreaded oneitis (fixiating on one person) and be open minded. You do sound like a very genuine girl and I hope that things work out better for you in the next few months. And your only 24, you have loads of time to find the right guy so try not to stress!!!!!!!!!:)

LegacyUser

Thanks Aarrghh...maybe I am obsessing too much.

It's a bit of a vicious circle though...everyone in my life is gradually pairing off, either in long-term relationships or new relationships and with the state of my love life, it's hard to just let it go and trust in those terrible old cliches of 'meeting someone when you least expect it' That has never happened to me

I have a fairly full life, lots of great friends, crazy career that I love, travel, hobbies, so it's not as if my life is on hold...I just feel like I need to have a serious mindset overhaul for this aspect of my life to ever be accessible.

And I'm already a gym member. I'm there 3 - 4 times a week and am quite fit. It does give me an adrenaline rush and makes me feel better about myself and all that, but I guess the hangover from my eating issues makes me feel like I always need to be slimmer than I am. It's a f$$$ing big hurdle to overcome.

G-Money

Tough situation OP.

I'm in a slightly similar boat, I have a few stone to lose myself but more than that, my self-esteem can be so low it's almost non-existent. I went through a pretty long dry spell when it comes to women and to save face, I won't admit to how long it actually was. But during that time, I came to realise that while my weight was probably a factor, my lack of confidence and self esteem were probably as much to blame.

Like if I seen a girl I was attracted to, my thought process was always the same. At first I'd think she's attractive, then a few seconds later I'd be saying to myself "She'll never be interested in you in a million years, look at the state of you" etc etc. This was the same, every time. I wasn't so much afraid of commitment, I just couldn't get to the point of believing in myself enough to actually approach or talk to the girls in question. And as a guy, I rarely got approached by girls so nothing ever happened, no one night stands, no drunken snogs, nothing. So that just sort of compounded things in my head and re-affirmed all the negative stuff I was thinking about myself as I had all this "evidence" to prove what I was thinking was true.

I eventually met a girl just after Christmas there and went out with her for a while. It's finished now and you'd think that would have boosted my confidence but in my head, it hasn't really. I've had several other girls tell me that I'm very cute, that I've a great smile, they can't believe I'm single etc etc, but I kind of just accept what they say, but within a few seconds, I dismiss it and it's as if they never said it at all.

I went to the doctor before Christmas as I thought I might have been suffering from depression and after chatting for a while he suggested I talk to a psychologist to work on my confidence and self esteem issues. I'm not trying to diagnose you or anything, but perhaps some sort of professional help may be something to look into? I know I was very hesitant to that when it was first suggested to me and while I still haven't done anything about it yet, I'm much more open to the idea now and I have shook off the idea that there's a stigma to it.

Whatever happens OP, hope things work out. I know I probably haven't gave you much in the way of practical tips, but hopefully knowing there are others in the same boat will make you feel a bit better.

LegacyUser

Thanks Grandmaster, I can totally identify with everything you say and that helps.
Especially the 'she'll never be interested' bit. I'm so cynical on that account it's just ridiculous. I get crushes all the time as any girl does, and my thought process is always 'ah sure I'll bet he has a girlfriend, what's the point'...then if I discover he's single, 'sure he probably has girls throwing themselves at him, I can't compete'...to 'what's special about me?' etc etc

It's like I'm always actively seeking out a reason to dismiss my feelings, even if there is positive feedback - that just gets dismissed as 'he's a player' or whatever. It's like this cycle of negative thinking that is so hard to break and the sad thing is, it's pretty much always been this way. I remember being a teenager and in my head, telling myself I was 'out of the game' until I had lost a stone, two stone, whatever...so the rejection or lack of attention or whatever didn't hurt. And I was never actually fat.

I know all this makes me sound desperately needy and insecure...I can assure you I'm not. In all other areas of my life I'm grand - work, with friends, etc. It's just this one area that I can't seem to get my head around and it's leaving me with this massive fear of getting left behind. I love my own company, but I want to be at least open to having someone come into my life, but it just seems I am permanently closed for business.

I know professional help is probably the way to go, but a part of me feels like I should be competent enough to overcome this on my own. I've been through counselling for my eating disorder and while it did me the world of good, I just don't have the means - financially, time wise - at the moment to go back

Squor

Hi OP,

I identify with everything the posters here have said. I have been out of the dating scene for a good while, long story short, met this girl, tried everything, in back of my head I kept telling myself I aint good enough, was sitting in on my own on a fri and sat, hoping she would call, never happened and she met someone and I was starting from scratch which is where I am today. I consistently felt not worthy and started making the changes to my life and attitude such as getting out and going to the gym. I try not to sit in on a Sat on my own anymore, I head out with friends or do something. I have an active life, varied interests and a good job so that keeps me on my toes

The confidence thing is without doubt the biggest hurdle. Whilst I have started to improve its such a slow process. The feeling of unoworthiness or "she will never like me" is all too familiar to me. And chatting random girls up is very difficult for me, its even harder when its second nature to all my mates, but I think I have to keep plugging away.

I think and as hard as it is, self worth is the key. You say well whats so special about me. I say that all the time. I have learned that when I strike up a conversation with a girl and I am chatting away to her I find out what she is interested in and see if we have common ground, or I can say something about myself and it will generally open the conversation up.

I am 30 now and all my friends have started their lifes journey, getting married, having kids etc, that would be a long term goal for me, I dont think it will happen over night, but I am starting to move on from the other girl which to me is a big step. I know it can be tough but I do tell myself, if today is bad, tomorrow will be better and the day after that better still.

AnnyHallsal

I have a friend who sounds just like you. She's funny, nice, successful, pretty - everyone tells her she looks like Aoibeann Ni Shuilleabhain - but for one reason or another never had a boyfriend. A few years ago it really started to bother her and she started to feel like there was something wrong with her. Looking at it from the outside, it was so obvious that she was great and only circumstance was responsible for her perennial singleness. Anyway, she met a guy she really likes a few months ago and things have been fabulous since. So hang on in there, stay positive and keep the confidence up. It's only a matter of time.

LegacyUser

Hi OP you just basically described me in your post but I'm 28. All my friends are getting married(I will soon give your one from 27 Dresses a run for her money, I'm nearly a professional bridesmaid at this stage!!!) having kids, moving in together etc and I just feel like I am threading water. Like you I have been described as cute and generally speaking when things end with the said boys i get the you are a lovely girl but.... speech. It is so demoralising and there are some times when I am just sick of the whole scene and putting myself out there when every time I go splat. I have to make a consious decision not to wallow in it all, and sometimes thats easier said than done. I try not to listen to that voice that says it'll never happen or your not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, we are our own worst enemies. What I try to do and sometimes it works is to think along the lines of I wouldn't put up with someone else saying those things to me so i shouldn't say those things to myself. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. It has to happen eventually, we can only kiss so many frogs!!!

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the feedback. It makes a huge difference to me to know that I'm not alone in this, as these days I feel like the last woman standing!!

AnnyHallysal I took comfort in your post and only hope that like your friend, I'm a victim of circumstance. But really, it's bloody hard to not become introspective and self-critical when there are no noticeable flaws or warts or gross disfigurements (!!) and yet the situation never changes. Especially when everyone around me is hooking up - from those serial relationship hoppers to the unlikely relationship types that I thought would be single for most of their twenties. My thought process at this stage is basically, it HAS to be me...it has to be something I'm doing or not doing, some vibe I'm giving off...

I think a major difference for me now is that it is actually starting to trouble me, causing me to obsess, whereas for years I really didn't think twice about being single. I didn't give it a second thought all through college, I loved doing my own thing, I felt empowered by it. Now being single nearly feels like a burden, which is a terrifying way to think as I would view myself as being pretty self reliant and independent.

Anyway. I think I've worn myself out on this one! Thanks again to all for the insight/advice x

Squor

Hey likewise, maybe I should change my name to yours!!! I get the male equivalent of cute and lovely girl, its your such a nice guy!!!!!!!!!! I spoke to one of my female friends about it, she said its almost an insult, but someone else said to me, when I do meet the right person, they will get the benefit of that goodness. Like the OP said, its good to know, I aint alone out there

Cheers

Miss Fluff

I'm 33 and single but I feel when it happens it will happen. Treat yourself like a prize, and he'll follow suit. An irresistible woman knows that she's worthy enough of a man's time, affection, and most of all, RESPECT. She never seeks out a man because she feels like a relationship will save her. In fact, her life is so complete that she doesn't need a guy to fix her or make her whole. A sassy woman is perfectly fine being single for the moment because she knows that Mr. Right will come along in due time.

There isn't any need to go into a panic or lower your standards just to make room for a guy who won't treat you the way you should be. More importantly, you don't try attracting a man out of DESPERATION, because that isn't exactly an endearing quality. It's absolutely essential to be a self-referenced woman who doesn't seek a man out of social pressure. She allows a man into her life because he makes her happy and adds to her personal growth.

Her relationship doesn't define her life, but rather enriches it. The problem with a lot of women is that they often date a man for the former reason and not the latter. As a result, they'll act needy and clingy because they're deathly afraid of being alone, even if it means lowering their standards and putting up with any guy that comes along.

Acting out of FEAR is never the basis for a healthy, long-term relationship. Simply put, self-respect is done by placing value on yourself, and that in turn will prompt a quality man to treat you in the same manner. Otherwise, an attractive woman has no problems showing him the door and moving on with her life.

It will happen for you, but only when the time is right. Right now, and not to be too puke-inducing or Jerry Springer about, you need to work on loving you and the rest will follow...

LegacyUser

Hi. First of all let me give you a bit of a background. Well, I went out with a girl for 4 years and we broke up a few months ago. After the initial mourning period I decided to get back into the game, so to speak. Well after a couple of unsuccessful (for one reason or another) dates, I met this really great lady and went out with her at the weekend. I was really nervous for some reason, maybe because I really liked her but apart from one or two awkward silences I think it went really well. Anyway, I got a goodnight kiss and we've agreed to go out again this week. Trouble is I've no idea where to go. Like I said quite a long time out of the dating game so it's very much unfamiliar territory. Any ideas where might be a good idea for a second date. I'd especially appreciate a womans perspective on this one too. Thanks in advance everyone :-)