what does she have that i dont

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of 2 years sometimes texts his ex.

She's regularly in his place of work because her dad is a good client.

She isn't much of a threat at all except, he keeps ringing her whenever he gets drunk. I got off work early tonight to find that he'd been ringing her and texting her trying to get her to meet him. She was at a family dinner according to her message. She tried to ring him but he was fast asleep.
I've asked him time and again what he wants from her, why he keeps ringing her, texting her etc... He said when they broke up he didn't care much.

I think it's not the case. We live together and have a seemingly strong relationship. I keep thinking he's going to run away with her if she gives him the chance.

I didn't go out for paddys day because I had a lot of college work to do(i'm in final year) and he said i was becoming a bit dull.

I'm freaking out please advise me someone.

profitius

Is there any rules about this sort of thing in your relationship? If my GF was ringing her ex I'd end things straight away and she knows that.

Sit down with him and talk about it. Give him an ultimatum and see how he reacts to that. It sounds like you're too soft, you fear the relationship ending and he knows that so he thinks he can do what he wants.

LegacyUser

well, i havent set rules, per se...

I said it makes me uncomfortable. He asked me do i not trust him, and i asked that if he would be so calm if i were to do the same thing. he said he trusts me, though he would be jealous.

He keeps pictures of her. He jumps to answer her messages, though deleting most of them because he knows i'll freak if i finid, i what he's saying, though that was never said, i once confronted him when i was getting a number from his phone and a message came through from her saying "sorry i was in the shower there, ring again". When i confronted him he just turned it around on me for reading it.

She keeps hanging around. He keeps her around.

He's making a fool of me ...

Inari

Ultimatiums = Bull****.

Everyone has a right to their past, and if they're friends you have to ask yourself if you trust him. If the answer is truly yes, then let it be. You can talk to him, let him know you do not like this. But don't approach it like a jealous girlfriend...guys don't like that. Just sit down, and explain it calmy and rationally. If you want to keep a relationship alive, you need to communicate, and I don't mean just talk. I mean you both need to know why **** is happening...i.e. you're dull atm cause of college etc.

Kimia

He sounds like an a** to be honest. How dare he call you dull because you're studying for college! :mad: How immature - it's fairly obvious you're getting no support from him.

If I'm brutally honest OP, it sounds like she's his number one priority. He clearly doesn't give a flying f*ck that it upsets you that he is at her beck and call like this, and won't even discuss it with you properly.

And alarm bells would be SERIOUSLY ringing if i found out that my boyfriend was texting some other girl ( I don't care if it's an ex or whoever) asking her to meet him when he's drunk.

Really really don't like this at all. A serious chat needs to be had. He's treating you like a doormat that's going to accept this shoddy treatment and you're letting him. Stand up for yourself and tell him that it's unacceptable. If he doesn't agree, I think you seriously need to assess where you appear in his list of priorities (very low it appears).

Miss Fluff

Kimia wrote: »

And alarm bells would be SERIOUSLY ringing if i found out that my boyfriend was texting some other girl ( I don't care if it's an ex or whoever) asking her to meet him when he's drunk.

+1. In polite circles this is what's known as a booty call OP. I wouldn't stand for it tbh.....

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Really really don't like this at all. A serious chat needs to be had. He's treating you like a doormat that's going to accept this shoddy treatment and you're letting him. Stand up for yourself and tell him that it's unacceptable. If he doesn't agree, I think you seriously need to assess where you appear in his list of priorities (very low it appears).

Maybe she stands up to him, won't put up with his crap and that's why she dumped him. He sees her as better, a challenge as she places more value on herself.
Were you seem to just take his crap.

You said she is not a threat, but if you are living in fear that he will run off with her, what would you call that.

newmember2

123seeme wrote: »

...I've asked him time and again what he wants from her, why he keeps ringing her, texting her etc... He said when they broke up he didn't care much.

????


What is the answer to the question: 'Why are you ringing her?'

123seeme wrote: »

I think it's not the case. We live together and have a seemingly strong relationship. I keep thinking he's going to run away with her if she gives him the chance.

I don't think you trust him and I wouldn't blame you. What's puzzling is that you continue to allow his behaviour. How can you continue in a relationship with someone your convinced would rather be with someone else? Why would you do this?

LegacyUser

Hi

Im in the very same situation, tho ive completly messed it up and now look like the jealous mental new gf.

Like you i tried to talk to him and asked him to put my feeling first.It was ok for a while but i just couldnt let it go, always questioning him and checking his mails.

If i could go back 5yrs i would have dumped him at the first sign of the ex hanging around

LegacyUser

to the last poster : is your bfs ex still hanging around.

To the other posters, thank you for the sound advice. I'd say she does stand up to him. But I do not know.

I tried having more assertion, but any time I showed it he said I was being cheeky, then relenting to say I no longer care about him it seems, etc. Emotional blackmail stuff.

Living together gets me out of living in a dysfunctional family back at home. I don't think I could go back again. I thought we were happy. But this keeps creeping up.

He shouts at me sometimes, loses his patience etc. I am sure that's not normal at all.

How do i confront him now? He woke uup and deleted her texts and her call from the log.
Is that normal? For a healthy relationship? To be hiding things?

I'm sso confused.

Kimia

He called you cheeky? :eek: How dare he? :mad:

This is going to go one of two ways:

1. You stay with him and get soul destroyed putting up with this sh*t.

2. You leave and try and find the dignity that he has stripped you of.

Come on OP - you know all this. You sound like there isn't one good thing about this guy - you sound miserable. It doesn't have to be like that. You don't have to be with him. You don't have to take this.

newmember2

123seeme wrote: »

He woke uup and deleted her texts and her call from the log.
Is that normal? For a healthy relationship? To be hiding things?

I'm sso confused.

No, it's not.

Live on your own or house share.

This isn't a healthy relationship and your not healthy in it.

LegacyUser

123seeme wrote: »

to the last poster : is your bfs ex still hanging around.

To the other posters, thank you for the sound advice. I'd say she does stand up to him. But I do not know.

I tried having more assertion, but any time I showed it he said I was being cheeky, then relenting to say I no longer care about him it seems, etc. Emotional blackmail stuff.

Living together gets me out of living in a dysfunctional family back at home. I don't think I could go back again. I thought we were happy. But this keeps creeping up.

He shouts at me sometimes, loses his patience etc. I am sure that's not normal at all.

How do i confront him now? He woke uup and deleted her texts and her call from the log.
Is that normal? For a healthy relationship? To be hiding things?

I'm sso confused.

I don't think you are confused, just afraid to make the decision that this relationship is not good for you or what you deserve.
He has no respect for your opinion or wants. Calling you cheeky because you stand up for your self and views, then accusing you of not caring about him. Is emotional black mail and his way of controlling you.
You need to make a stand, probably break up with him.

Why are you together ? he doesn't treat you well or make you feel secure and special. Are you with him because you feel there is no other option and have no where else to go. That is not a reason to be with someone. You don't love him, maybe you love the person you wnat him to be, but that is not who he is in reality.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Yeah she's still around, but ive realised now she not all to blame, like your bf he'll sometimes sends the first txt.

I used to think that once she knew he was in a serious relationship ie. we living together, that she would back off, infact the opposite happened. Now im convinced she does it to annoy me!!!

What happens now is;

* I go for weeks without checking his phone, emails or mentioning her
* Decide out of no where to ask have they been in contact, he'll say yeah and ill freak out
* Spend the next week fighting, going over phone bills, emails - only he has deleted some
* Then ill calm down, and about a month later will start all over again

How messed up is that??

mood

123seeme wrote: »

to the last poster : is your bfs ex still hanging around.

To the other posters, thank you for the sound advice. I'd say she does stand up to him. But I do not know.

I tried having more assertion, but any time I showed it he said I was being cheeky, then relenting to say I no longer care about him it seems, etc. Emotional blackmail stuff.

Living together gets me out of living in a dysfunctional family back at home. I don't think I could go back again. I thought we were happy. But this keeps creeping up.

He shouts at me sometimes, loses his patience etc. I am sure that's not normal at all.

How do i confront him now? He woke uup and deleted her texts and her call from the log.
Is that normal? For a healthy relationship? To be hiding things?

I'm sso confused.

But you could live with other people. It is not a choice of live with him or you parents. There are other options.