Breaking Mentally

LegacyUser

Hey all, long time lurker first time poster here.

Before Christmas I was exceedingly happy. Everything was going well from work to family to friendships. For a long time I went through life in up and down cycles, it's been like this for a good five years, probably more. So yeah, before Christmas I had felt a prolonged sense of happiness, I felt invincible.

However since literally New Years Eve everything has kind of imploded on me. I thought I had something with someone but it kind of blew up in my face out of nowhere. That directly impacted on my work performance, not in any major way but I've definitely lost the drive and motivation I had before Christmas. I was really making waves in the workplace, I felt I was going somewhere, but now I've lost all passion. I've had my holidays over the past few weeks (my boss was more than happy to give me this time off because I think he knew my head was all over the place and that I needed time to sort myself out). However it's kind of had a worse affect, I've spent my holidays doing nothing other than sinking within myself. All I've done is dwell on my lack of a life and now I can't bare the thought of returning to work.

Another problem is my friendship with a lot of people. I've always been lucky in regards to friends, I've never been a loner and can say there a lot of people I can call close friends. However I got into this new group over the last year or so and it has been absolutely soul destroying. Everybody backstabs every one, they all talk behind each other's back. If someone asks someone out it doesn't just stay between those two people. Soon enough everyone knows about it. Some only show a keen interest in others because they need an ego boost, but once their ego is fully massaged they blank people. I've been guilty of this myself (not blanking people, just cooling my enthusiasm towards them) and I ****ing hate myself for it, I know deep down I'm not that kind of person. Well I didn't used to be anyway.

Amidst all of this upheaval though there's been this one girl who has kept me going. She was an old friend that I reconnected with last year. She's great, I have so much in common with her and I've helped her get through some major drama in her life, and in truth she's the only reason why I haven't completely lost it over the past three months. We've both helped each other so much. I wouldn't say I love her, we have had our own little problems with each other, but I'm definitely falling for her.

However, over the few weeks she's been really quiet. Whereas once we used to talk every day, I don't think we have had a conversation in about 3 weeks. We've had little interactions on each other's Facebook walls but by and large she has kind of ignored me. I don't want to be on her case, if she wants to tell me what's wrong that's fine, if she doesn't then fair enough. But it's killing me not knowing what the problem is, I really don't want to be the one though that makes contact. Through everything I've been through over the last 3 months she's the one thing that has kept me going, without her everything is just kind of falling a part.

Sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get it all off of my chest because it's all getting a bit too much for me to handle. I was walking back to my house today from the shop and I just had this sudden urge to burst out in tears, that's how low I'm feeling right now.

LegacyUser

OP, it sounds to me as though you're falling in to a depression. It can affect how you feel inside, how you deal with family, friends, work. If you feel you could benefit from contact with this work colleague, don't cut yourself off just because you dont want to be the first to get in touch. Maybe she has sensed you backing away and has responded accordingly?

It might be useful to set up some sessions with a counsellor to try to help you sort out where your head is at at the moment. A good counsellor could help you back on the road again.

Try to take the pressure off yourself while you're going through this. I hope it works out for you.

Inari

Would you be good friends with this person face to face? If so, maybe a surprise date (between friends) could cheer both of you up. A night out, see a comedian, a movie, or something. Just to get away from life for a while, and escape to a happier feeling.

profitius

It sounds like you have trouble attracting women. Don't worry that can be sorted.


Your old friend is avoiding you on purpose. She knows you're falling for her and she only wants to be friends. I know its not what you want to hear but now you know why shes been avoiding you.


Do you have any goals or long term plans? It sounds like you need to write down some long term goals. Look also at finding hobbies and interests. Keep yourself active and do things that feel good.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

@ 2144 - Depression is something I've worried about, but I don't know, I always thought depression and suicidal thoughts go hand in hand. I've never thought seriously about taking my own life, I could never imagine throwing myself off of a building or slitting my wrists. I know that I'd just wouldn't do it.

I do agree though about seeking counselling, I think I'm going to have to find some time in my life to finally organise a few sessions.

@ Inari - Yes I'd feel we'd be good face to face friends, what other kind is there? We used to go to the cinema a lot, but I really don't want to make the first move. I've already extended the olive branch at least 3 times over the past three weeks and she's failed to respond. So really, I don't think it's up to me to make the first move.

@ profitius - True on the attracting women account. I know what I have to do to sort that out, I don't want to get into that too much on here though.

I've worried that she may know that I'm falling for her but really, she'd have no reason to think that I was. I'm very mild in my attitude towards people, very calm and reserved. You wouldn't know whether I liked you or hated you, never mind loved you! :P

I honestly don't think I've done anything to give my true feelings away.