Issue with Being Quiet

LegacyUser

Hi,

Is there a big issue in this country or maybe in the wider world with someone being quiet? Especially in the company of others not well known?

I myself am very quiet at work. I find it annoying that I just cannot relax and be myself. Just to be the way I am with my close friends.
A colleague even said to me that I'm very quiet and shy!!

Another work colleague has gone on holiday. He is also very quiet. But now some are joking about how quiet he is - when he's not here!!

Even on tv last weekend, (somehow ended up watching winning streak), the contestants were speaking about how quiet and shy some relatives are. As if these quiet people are unfortunate and need to be pitied!!

The whole thing really pisses me off! Why are people suspicious of quiet ones? Why do they seem to mock them?

Is this just an Irish thing or is it everywhere?

Anyone experienced this? Anyone who was once shy now manage to be themselves in strange company??

Thanks.

dsmythy

I'm not one to say much either and i get the line every time I'm in a group. "You're very quiet tonight". I can understand it from strangers but friends who say it you have to wonder. We've been friend for years, this should not be much of a surprise to you!

You ask if people like this can be themselves when in company. Well I do be myself. When I'm myself, guess what? I still don't say much! It's who I am and probably who you are too. I listen a lot - a rare quality. At least people know when we do pipe up that it's something worthwhile.

If your comfortable with your quietness and confident in yourself as a person, regardless of how much you say, then that's a good thing in my book. So many people are loud and attention seeking these days that it is out of the norm for someone to be more in the background and so people comment on this. Likely this is because they might find you interesting or even mysterious. Not necessarily bad things them!

I used to be so quiet with people I didn't really know. As I got older, I realised this was often interpreted as rudeness or snobbishness, and in some ways, people were right. It is rude. I notice now when I meet someone at a party or in a group and they barely say anything, I end up having to do all the talking, which is really draining, as I'm no extrovert either! There's one girl in my class who's quiet and everyone talks about her, because it is so difficult when she comes along to the pub and just sits there.

I used to think, sure what's wrong with being quiet, I'm happy to listen to other people talking, but actually, it's really bad manners not to contribute to a conversation. It makes other people feel uncomfortable, as if someone is eavesdropping, and yes people wonder about you because you're not revealing anything of your personality but you're getting to see everyone else's. I just think it's rude to go to the pub or a party or whatever and not talk. If you feel that unsociable you can always stay at home, but I think an invitation to be in other peoples' company comes with an unwritten obligation to join in! There's no need to be an annoying loudmouth, but you can still contribute things to the conversation.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64964857]I used to be so quiet with people I didn't really know. As I got older, I realised this was often interpreted as rudeness or snobbishness, and in some ways, people were right. It is rude. I notice now when I meet someone at a party or in a group and they barely say anything, I end up having to do all the talking, which is really draining, as I'm no extrovert either! There's one girl in my class who's quiet and everyone talks about her, because it is so difficult when she comes along to the pub and just sits there.

I used to think, sure what's wrong with being quiet, I'm happy to listen to other people talking, but actually, it's really bad manners not to contribute to a conversation. It makes other people feel uncomfortable, as if someone is eavesdropping, and yes people wonder about you because you're not revealing anything of your personality but you're getting to see everyone else's. I just think it's rude to go to the pub or a party or whatever and not talk. If you feel that unsociable you can always stay at home, but I think an invitation to be in other peoples' company comes with an unwritten obligation to join in! There's no need to be an annoying loudmouth, but you can still contribute things to the conversation.[/QUOTE]

I honestly don't think those quiet people are not saying anything on purpose!! If they are anything like me then they are being tore up inside and tormented by not being able to relax or to be themselves!!!
I feel extremely anxious and do my best to get involved in conversations but I often get self conscious, anxious, and cannot focus on the conversation itself!! It is horrible. And worse if people think you are being rude!

quietone

quietone wrote: »

I honestly don't think those quiet people are not saying anything on purpose!! If they are anything like me then they are being tore up inside and tormented by not being able to relax or to be themselves!!!
I feel extremely anxious and do my best to get involved in conversations but I often get self conscious, anxious, and cannot focus on the conversation itself!! It is horrible. And worse if people think you are being rude!

I wasn't trying to say they were doing it on purpose. I know how hard it is for some people to be in social situations. It took me years to be able to chat to strangers/people I don't know well and even now I get quite anxious. But it really does come across as quite rude, so I make a huge effort now to speak whenever I have something to contribute. I realised that most people are busy worrying about themselves, and that they are not judging and scrutinising my every word. I know what you mean about being afraid to look stupid or loudmouthed, but the it's actually the not saying anything that draws attention to yourself and annoys people!

I basically stopped focusing on myself and thought how difficult it must be for other people to have to do all the talking and drag answers out of me and I felt pretty bad! Now I'm a 'cured shy person', I realise how annoying it is when people never talk. I try to avoid the quiet girl in my class because it's just so draining to talk to her and get nothing back but one word answers. It's like talking to a brick wall. I made an effort for a long time, but life is too short to try to have conversations with people who have nothing to give. When I was shy/quiet I sort of expected people to always make the effort with me, but really, why should they? I used to complain that I felt left out and alienated but you can't expect other people to keep making all the effort. A lot of people(like me!) are actually introverted and anxious but they try really hard to be sociable. And the more you try, the easier it gets. It took me a good 10 years to really start being myself.

It actually feels really good not being so shy. I start conversations which strangers now and 95% of the time, I get a positive reaction and meet new and interesting people. I met my boyfriend's friends last year and apparently they think I'm really open and friendly, which was the best compliment they could have given. You can never become an extrovert when you're naturally introverted, but you really don't have to live your life being painfully shy and quiet either!

nyarlothothep

Its not rude etc. I don't judge someone to be rude on the basis of them being quiet. There is a distinction between being quiet and refusing to talk to someone or brushing them off. So don't let people tell you you're rude for being quiet.

Denerick

Most people like small talk because they have insecurity issues. It fills awkward silences with the banal. I'm probably a bit aloof with people I don't know because I find it hard to be motivated by small talk. Around close friends I'm something approaching a chatterbox, even a wreck the head.

Its something of a twisted chalice - by not engaging in the small talk you are possible losing out on making friends with people you would otherwise get on with. But sometimes I really do wonder, why bother? Its either disingenous or boring to have a huge selection of friends. I much prefer having about 4 or 5 friends I consider 'close' and around 7 or 8 who I might go for a pint with. Any more than that and it'd be much too hard work!!

epgc3fyqirnbsx

I overheard people talking about me a while ago which kind of upset me at the time, but I took a lot from it.

I was/am shy, it would take me a while to get to know people and I was never confident enough to approach groups of people in the bar that were not my good friends.
Then I over heard people talking saying how snobby I was, that I would onl ever talk to them if they were talking to my friends,that I'd walk into a bar and just nod then keep walking.

The fact was I was too shy to approach them or more likely thought that they wouldnt want me bothering them.
But after hearing them talk about me like that, I realised it was time to change and not expect people to approach me all the time.

And its been great, takes a fait bit of effort to approach people but they appreciate that effort. And here's the thing, 99% of people are sound, they wont look at you like you have ten heads, they'll try to make you feel comfortable cos thats what people do.

So its really worth your while to make a bit of effort with people, social life gets a lot better and people will hold you in higher regard. (Probably get you laid more too )

Scanlas The 2nd

Denerick wrote: »

Most people like small talk because they have insecurity issues. It fills awkward silences with the banal. I'm probably a bit aloof with people I don't know because I find it hard to be motivated by small talk. Around close friends I'm something approaching a chatterbox, even a wreck the head.
Its something of a twisted chalice - by not engaging in the small talk you are possible losing out on making friends with people you would otherwise get on with. But sometimes I really do wonder, why bother? Its either disingenous or boring to have a huge selection of friends. I much prefer having about 4 or 5 friends I consider 'close' and around 7 or 8 who I might go for a pint with. Any more than that and it'd be much too hard work!!

Small talk doesn't have to be boring, try amusing yourself or saying stuff that pops into your mind as well as enjoying the silence.
The quitness problem can be overcome, but its not easy, you really need to make a conscious effort to push your comfort zone. Start off perhaps by saying hi to some random people waking by, or go into a pharmacy and ask for advice on something embarrassing. If you continually do this and keep pushing it further you start to feel carefree, a bit like when you're drunk except you still have your faculties with you.

I think the reason people are continually quiet is because they care about the conversation more than everyone else does, but sometimes people just don't feel like talking.

Denerick

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

Small talk doesn't have to be boring, try amusing yourself or saying stuff that pops into your mind as well as enjoying the silence.
The quitness problem can be overcome, but its not easy, you really need to make a conscious effort to push your comfort zone. Start off perhaps by saying hi to some random people waking by, or go into a pharmacy and ask for advice on something embarrassing. If you continually do this and keep pushing it further you start to feel carefree, a bit like when you're drunk except you still have your faculties with you.

I think the reason people are continually quiet is because they care about the conversation more than everyone else does, but sometimes people just don't feel like talking.

But if someone is happy with their current lot, I really don't think they have to pass that sort of time. I'm comfertable in uncomfertable silences and am comfertable in my circle of friends - I don't see why talking about the weather becomes such an important issue with some people.

Scanlas The 2nd

Denerick wrote: »

But if someone is happy with their current lot, I really don't think they have to pass that sort of time. I'm comfertable in uncomfertable silences and am comfertable in my circle of friends - I don't see why talking about the weather becomes such an important issue with some people.

I agree, if you don't feel like talking then don't. My point is people shouldn't feel like that they have to go down the text book conversations if it bores them. You can choose not to have those conversations.

Denerick

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

I agree, if you don't feel like talking then don't. My point is people shouldn't feel like that they have to go down the text book conversations if it bores them. You can choose not to have those conversations.

Yeah but its a bit strange talking light politics with someone if they haven't read a paper, or talking about Newcastles recent travails if they don't like football, or in other words, talking about things I might care about with people who don't care

Scanlas The 2nd

Well yeah, it is weird to talk about deep topics to some person you barely know straight away. But you can talk about light stuff ( thats not text book) that amuses you.

BumbleB

Kaylin Eager Kitten wrote: »

I was/am shy, it would take me a while to get to know people and I was never confident enough to approach groups of people in the bar that were not my good friends.
Then I over heard people talking saying how snobby I was, that I would onl ever talk to them if they were talking to my friends,that I'd walk into a bar and just nod then keep walking.

It amazing how many people do not recognise when someone is shy ,they usually interpret it as aloofness. I m shy but I can operate in the extroverted world ,my friends are like that too.Its kind of like acting but at the same time i m still comfortable at talking to people.

Thornography

quietone wrote: »

Is this just an Irish thing or is it everywhere?

It is just that unfortunately

LegacyUser

yeah i agree OP, it really is annoying. I dont find anything wrong with people who are outgoing and talk lots, so why should they have a problem with people like us who are naturally quieter. The world just wouldnt work if everyone was an extrovert.
And i dont think its rude. What i find rude, is people who talk so much that no one else can get a word in edgeways. When i meet new people, i smile, i say hello and if i have something to add to the conversation then i will. If not, im happy to listen...what is the big deal.

Ive asked my friends if i come across as moody because i know this is the supposed perception people get from a shy person, but they say i dont and that I just come across as quiet but pleasant at the same time.

Sometimes even when i think im doing a good job of adding to a conversation ive still been accused of being quiet, so ive decided to just accept it. But the way people talk of shyness like its some kind of affliction does annoy me immensely. Its just a personality trait, everyone has them.

I find it worse being irish because of the stereotype of us being loud gregarious people. I was abroad before and decided to do a guided tour with a group of other tourists. The tour guide was delighted to find out i was irish, but an hour into the tour he actually berated me for being quiet and said he was disappointed as he thought he was going to have lots of fun with an irish person being on the tour. And here's me thinking i was paying him to entertain me?!?

rere

I never thought I was all that quiet until recently. A friend was describing someone then said to me "she's very like you, shy and quiet. You know, not confident around new people" :mad::mad:
I'm happy to meet new people and join in conversions, but I'm not going to butt in and start talking over people to make sure my opinion is heard.
Sometimes it's like people confuse good manners with shyness.

rere

rere wrote: »

I never thought I was all that quiet until recently. A friend was describing someone then said to me "she's very like you, shy and quiet. You know, not confident around new people" :mad::mad:
I'm happy to meet new people and join in conversions, but I'm not going to butt in and start talking over people to make sure my opinion is heard.
Sometimes it's like people confuse good manners with shyness.

Yeah, it's usually shy people who confuse good manners with shyness. I used to think I was being polite by listening rather than talking and not being loud, but honestly, it's just as rude to sit there and say nothing as it is to talk over people. I don't think shy people bashing is an Irish thing at all. Try living in Spain or any other Latin country - they see it as really immature and weak. I found that really hard to grasp and I resented my au pair family over there for having a go at me for being quiet, but now I get their point. I was too self centered, focusing on myself and how awkward I felt rather than considering other people and how awkward it must be for them to have this foreigner in their house who made little effort to talk to them. It must have been so irritating for them to have to make all the effort and start all the conversations. By saving myself from feeling awkward and embarrassed, I made them feel awkward and embarrassed. It took me a long time to understand that.

Now that I'm a talker, I find it so draining to talk to shy people. A conversation is supposed to be balanced, not some people talking and others listening with their mouths glued shut. I get that some people don't like small talk, but for God's sake, would you prefer everyone to just sit there in silence? I find that some people seem to expect me to do all the talking, as if I'm some sort of paid entertainer. As if I don't find it difficult to come up with jokes and funny stories all the time and get nothing back. I think once you get to a certain age, it just becomes plain rude not to talk. I think shyness becomes an excuse. I am and always will be an introvert but basically I had to get over myself. Sounds harsh but it's true.

nyarlothothep

If you go to Finland they're all quiet there. Its a matter of culture, just because the majority of people think about something, whether it be personality traits, race gender, etc in a certain way by no means makes them right. There needs to be an introvert rights movement.

lcrcboy

Im very quiet around people at work mainly because of the same issues you have OP, and I have caught this girl I work with a few times calling me weird and stuff to other staff, but you no what I dont care I let them talk about me dosent bother me. The other staff were having a conversation about people slagging others behind their back at work and I cropped up and said I hate people like that and if they said it to a persons face they wouldint be a coward most people agreed with me. At the end of the day when people slag others behind their back in a group it dosent rub off well with those people hearing it even if they just stand there and nod because they start thinking is this person saying something about me aswell. All in all Im pretty confidant around my friends an family just not at work

BumbleB

nyarlothothep wrote: »

If you go to Finland they're all quiet there. Its a matter of culture, just because the majority of people think about something, whether it be personality traits, race gender, etc in a certain way by no means makes them right. There needs to be an introvert rights movement.

That until they get the finlandia into them.Yeah, but thats wih total strangers out and about but among friends they are quite different.They are also quite deep thinking and intelligent IMO.