Daddys gone away

LegacyUser

So ive split up with my ex (father of my child)many many times, the final time being at end of jan.everytime we said never again would we get back and then whenever it would be time to pick up my daughter for visits etc we would get chatting , when he called every other night to talk to her we would get chatting and every time we always ended up going back to each other.

we are both unemployed, no money, not many friends, family issues and could talk about this stuff to each other that we would never dream of talking about to our friends. we were each others best friends but each others enemies also.we fought alot, after xmas i was really depressed didnt wanna talk, didnt wanna do anything around the house. he was bossin me around the place saying that i was lazy even though he hasnt worked a job in over 5 years. ive been off work for a year.really we are good people but we have ruined each others self esteem and hope that things will be ok in the future.

so things came to a head in jan yet again...i really wanted to get my life back i cudnt live with him anymore.he had said coming up to this that it was too hard for him to be sein our child and not having us a family and that he cudnt do it again, that he wasnt gonna be part time daddy.

so hes been talkin to her a few times on the phone but has refused to take her..he missed her 8th birthday last week(he rang her) the card arrived a day late and it was a crap card which is so unlike him and he told her he was goin to pay for her communion dress as her present. at the start she wasnt saying much about him but lately she has been asking more and more questions and ive jus started telling her that hes got a job and hes very busy.

i feel like this breakup has been hard enough without him prolonging the agony of it...ive explained the way i feel but hes made his decision. im also very hurt because my own mother and father were never married and he knows how deep this goes with me as i never knew my own father. i feel like ive been putting up with alot of **** just because i didnt want him to leave her.

Is it better to just let him go and let us all get on with our own lives?? sorry for the long post.... i would appreciate any advice.

ash23

Your child is 8. I have a 7 year old. They aren't stupid. You aren't giving her nearly enough credit. She knows damn well there's something up and that her dad has backed off.
This is her life you're lying to her about.

I'm sorry to be harsh but the poor kid must be bewildered. Because she thinks that her dad has dropped her but you are maintaining everything is hunky dory.

What your ex is doing is wrong. But you can't change that or give in to his threats which is basically what he is doing. He thinks that if he uses the "I won't be a part time dad" thing then he'll be back home before he knows it because you'll cave. He'll accept the relationship is over in time and hopefully step up to the plate in relation to being a good father.

But in the meantime it's YOUR job to help your daughter through this and you have to be strong for her sake.

Tell her dad is upset with you about the split and is finding it difficult to see her because he is hurting but that hopefully he will get over his hurt in time. She needs to know what is going on. Hell, if she does she'll be able to talk to him and might be able to show him how he is hurting her.

I've always been as honest as possible with my daughter about me and my ex splitting up. It has been hard, she has been hurt and upset. But she knows I don't lie. If I don't know then I reply "I don't know".

Obviously keep it age appropriate and don't diss her dad as she loves him very much. But she needs to know the truth.

LegacyUser

thanks for your reply...he lives 20 mins away... he is origionally from another county.ive texted him and said very calmly about how there was no need for this not seeing her but he replied saying that i wanted to be a single mother and that i should have thought about that before i went throwing him out so he told me to get the hell on with it. i havnt been ringing him or doin anymore texting at him because im just sick of it...id rather be a single mother than be in a destructive relationship.

hes always been very hands on when we were split and together...more so than any other father i would think...maybe that came from being unemployed and ur child being ur sole interest.always took an active interest in everything she was doing from eating to homework to sleeping and set up rewards charts etc....simple things that normally would just be left to the mother. but this also led to frequent rows.

i had it good before when he was sein her every other weekend...i wish i had have appreciated it then instead of gettin back with him when i knew it would go nowhere.

really i can see why he wants a total break from it all and a new start but theres still a child here who has done nothing wrong. maybe time will heal alotta things.

LegacyUser

yes you are right about telling my daughter and the way you worded it there sounds about right..i think i will talk with her tonight about it. i didnt tell her too much because i didnt know when he would turn around and change his mind.i didnt think he would ever be lke this and definitely not for this long.i was sure that it was a phase and that things would get back to normal again.

he will not try and get back....weve both known for along time that its been going nowhere...we were just clinging to each other.

metrovelvet

Transitional periods are always rocky. Maybe let it settle for a little while. Give your daughter tlc and be as honest with her as you can without burdening her with the truth of adult folly. And take care of yourself too.

ash23

isitme wrote: »

thanks for your reply...he lives 20 mins away... he is origionally from another county.ive texted him and said very calmly about how there was no need for this not seeing her but he replied saying that i wanted to be a single mother and that i should have thought about that before i went throwing him out so he told me to get the hell on with it. i havnt been ringing him or doin anymore texting at him because im just sick of it...id rather be a single mother than be in a destructive relationship.

hes always been very hands on when we were split and together...more so than any other father i would think...maybe that came from being unemployed and ur child being ur sole interest.always took an active interest in everything she was doing from eating to homework to sleeping and set up rewards charts etc....simple things that normally would just be left to the mother. but this also led to frequent rows.

i had it good before when he was sein her every other weekend...i wish i had have appreciated it then instead of gettin back with him when i knew it would go nowhere.

really i can see why he wants a total break from it all and a new start but theres still a child here who has done nothing wrong. maybe time will heal alotta things.

He'll get over it and he'll miss being involved in her life.
Anyway, your priority shouldn't be him and how he feels. Let him know the door is open for him to be a dad but other than that leave him to his temper tantrum. Don't reply to his threats, don't allow him to think that he is getting to you. Keep reiterating that it's over, you won't be getting back with him and he needs to accept it and decide what to do in relation to the child.

Believe me, this goes on a lot. My ex left me for someone else and a few months later had a strop over taking her on a weekend night as he wasn't my "babysitter". God forbid I'd go and get myself a life.

Main thing is to talk to your daughter about it and make sure she is ok. He is the adult, he can get on with things himself but the child needs you.

LegacyUser

ive told him il be gettin the hell on with it whether hes there for her or not and that i wudnt have it any other way even if that means him not seing her.and he knows i will get on with it....think thats his problem...he cant move on himself and wants to feel needed and for me to appreciate him as a good father.

yeah god forbid we wud have a life.. thanks ash its good to talk with someone who has experienced it somewhat. i dont talk to my friends about it...they dont have kids and dont understand it in the same way...they see everything in black and white.i always say dont judge me until youve walked a mile in my shoes.

LegacyUser

It sounds to me like ye need to get as far away as possible from each other for a while and rebuild your lives.he is right to stay away.