Please help me save my marriage

pilgrim1

I've been married for 10 years and have two lovely kids (9&6). I love my wife dearly, we've been through a tough time lately, (financially). my wife started a new job recently, but everyone in there is young free and single and goes out all the time. My wife goes out with them. She's been getting a lot of texts latley from a girl called Maria, and being very secretive. I rang Maria's number and a guy answered. I confronted my wife about this and a huge row broke out. When we were calming down, she dropped the bombshell that although she still loves me, she's not in love with me. She says I'm the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect man, and she feels so bad that she can't love me. We laid all our cards on the table, and she was sorry for the lies. She told me there was nothing going on between her and this guy, but there was an attraction. I really do believe her.

I'm also about to lose my job in June, and have been seeing a counseller for my depression. Which funnily enough seems to revolve around a fear of losing my wife and kids.

I haven't been able to eat, sleep or stop crying. I'm scared sh*tless of what the future holds. I'm so worried about what's going to happen to the kids. I've lost touch with most of my friends through financial difficulties, pressures of life and work etc. I'm so lonley and depressed, I have contemplated suicide and it's still on the table. My wife and kids are my whole life. We've both said we'll try counselling and try to sort things out.

I just feel so messed up and would love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation. how do you cope?

vicecreamsundae

oh man, i'm so sorry to hear all that. i can't say i've been through something similar i'm afraid, but i can definitely imagine what you're going through is extremely tough.

for a start, at least you and your wife are now being honest with each other and agreeing to go to counselling. that really is a huge step forward from her keeping something from you, and you should be proud of the two of you for talking and agreeing to do something about it rather than ignoring the problem or just turning against each other. you are on the right path.

i am sure you both have your children's best interests at heart, and will both want to do what's best for them. i know i've already admitted to not being in this situation before, but even still, i can't see you losing access to your children over this. let her know they are your top priority and how important it is to you that no matter what happens you need to be in their lives and have them in yours. your wife seemed to make a big deal about how she loves you and thinks you are the perfect husband/father/and man, so i cant see why she would want to keep you apart from your children.

as for you and your wife's relationship, like i said, it is great that you are committing to talk to someone about it and that really might make a huge difference to how things are right now. however, and not trying to upset you, but worse case scenario, if things cannot be mended between you, it is not the end of the world. i know it seems stupid telling someone "you will meet someone else, you're young and have lots of people to meet and lots of love to give" to someone who is heartbroken and is in love with someone else right now, as it is probably the last thing you want to hear and you might not even believe it. but it IS true. no matter how much you love somebody, there are still other amazing people out there you haven't met, and you will meet someone again. of course, it might not come to that, but bear it in mind.

i hope you plan to talk to your counseller about all this stuff, as it's really important to talk about. have you any family members you could talk to as well? i know you mentioned that you had lost touch with most of your friends, but do you think you have an old friend, who if you reached out to explaining how upset and in need of a friend you are right now, would understand? it has to be worth a try anyway.

i hate to hear that you are feeling suicidal and really urge you to talk to someone you know/your counsellor. the thing is you say your wife and children are your whole life. and believe me, you are theirs. even if your wife doesn't feel in love with you in that one sense anymore, she still loves you, probably more than you realise and so do your children, incredibly so. and i really don't mean to trivialise your problems when i say "things could be worse", but sincerely, i think when times are tough, and this does sound extremely tough on you, you have to be grateful for things not being worse - the most important people in the world to you are alive and well, and very much in your life right now. that in itself is a gift. you and your wife now have an opportunity to work things out, and working together to make life as great as possible for your children.

i hope you find someone to confide in and come to realise that is is a very tough time, but does not need to be the end of the world, and you can come through this still being a wonderful father and remaining close to your wife, it will just take effort, and strength.
good luck