Please help me, my husband is leaving me, i need someone to talk to

magsp

my husband of of 2 years (together 9 years) is leaving. I have always known that he looked at online porn, but have only discovered how much in the last few days.He has been looking at hundreds of sites, mostly teen ones, and even after i confronted him about it he has installed a virtual sex game on my laptop(while he was meant to be looking after our 2 year old daughter). He now has blamed me and said its my fault for not paying him any attention. I work 5 days a week, I have two young daughters, I am responsible for all lifting and laying (he doesnt drive) and i do 90 per cent of the housework..now that i have let him know that i know what he is doing, he has blamed it on me, saying that i havnt paid him enough attention- even tho i am exhausted from doing practically everything at home, and has said more or less that i am nothing but a frigid old biddy ( i am 31). Please help me

Hi magsp.

You would probably be better posting in the relationships forum. They will able to help you over there.

Good luck

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1174

lil'bug

honey i can tell you love him but think about what is best for you and your babby's

BumbleB

He probably has some kind of porn addiction ,its not your fault ,open up the lines of communication get working on it.

magsp

thanks i will

stepbar

Leave him. He doesn't respect you. If he did he would have you breaking your back even after a hard days work or be installing porn on your PC. Unfortunatly I don't see this as being friendly with kids involved but needs must.

peanuthead

Really sorry to hear that magsp.

If you ever need someone to chat to feel free to drop me a PM

p

Wibbs

Better bet here

Miss Fluff

I get the impression this all blew up after he decided to leave you. Why has he decided to leave you in the first place? Or have you kicked him out?

Chinafoot

God you could have been talking about my friend's relationship 2 years ago. Exact same scenario. She worked full time, was responsible for all the childminding when not in work, he didn't do a tap for his young kids. He did absolutely no housework at all. Saw the kids and housework as her responsibility as the woman and then still expected her to be up for sex every time he wanted it. It was all about him. Her feelings never once came into it.

He was massively into porn and used to tell her that she was a "frigid bitch" because she didn't measure up to the porn stars he drooled over every night. He had a very messed up attitude towards sex in general.

She finally got up the courage to leave. She couldn't take the disresepct anymore. No matter how many times she tried to explain to him how she was feeling about the relationship, his lack of help, his complete focus on sex, he never listened. She didn't want her kids living in an environment like that and she left. Best thing she ever did.

In your case OP, your husband clearly has no respect for you. He is unwilling to shoulder the responsibilities involved in a marriage and being a parent.

Do you think counselling would help at all? Or do you think things are too far gone for that? There does have to be effort made on both sides but it sounds like he is completely unwilling to help you with the children and the home. Unless that changes drastically I don't see how your relationshio can be salvaged. He can't expect you to force yourself to have sex with him when you really don't want to. You might as well be barefoot and pregnant and tied to the kitchen sink in that case.

If it were me, I'd let him leave. Yourself and your kids deserve far more than that.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Two sides to every story.

The current situation isn't on. Though its possible its a situation you've allowed to develop by not sorting things out early on. Why have you done 90% of the housework and childminding? Why didn't you bring it up as an issue before?

See I'd like to think I'd ensure I'd never put a wife girl into this situation, but a lot of people are plain inconsiderate and if they're not asked to contribute will assume their partner is completely cool with them not helping out.

So if you've previously set a precedent where you'd do all the house and child work, still had sex with him and never complained, it would be silly not to expect some sort of reaction when you stop sleeping with him.


Do you think if he contributed to 50% of the housework and childminding you would enjoy paying him more attention and have a healthier relationship?

I'd agree with the counselling suggestion, but why not try honestly telling him why you don't feel sexual toward him when he's being such a bad husband?

pilgrim1

I'm going through something similar right now. I've been married for 10 years and have two lovely kids (9&6). I love my wife dearly, we've been through a tough time lately, (financially). my wife started a new job recently, but everyone in there is young free and single and go out all the time. My wife goes out with them. She's been getting a lot of texts latley from a girl called Maria, and being very secretive. I rang Maria's number and a guy answered. I confronted my wife about this and a huge row broke out. When we were calming down, she dropped the bombshell that although she still loves me, she's not in love with me. She says I'm the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect man, and she feels so bad that she can't love me. I'm also about to lose my job in June.

I haven't been able to eat, sleep or stop crying. I'm scared sh*tless of what the future holds. I'm so worried about what's going to happen to the kids. I've lost touch with most of my friends through financial difficulties, pressures of life and work etc. I'm so lonley and depressed, I have contemplated suicide and it's still on the table. My wife and kids are my whole life.

How did your situation work out? How did you cope? I hope everythings ok for you now.

Taltos

I also know someone going thru this. Don't want to say too much as it is quite bitter right now.

The male partner - don't want to call him husband or father - those terms carry too much respect - well he too blamed the wife. Blamed the kids. Blamed society. He is great at trying to rationalise and could convince most people that it is sunny outside on a stormy day - well he would try at least.

It has been tough for the person I know. He systematically went around all her friends - telling them crazy stories - insanity, frigid, lesbian, she had the porn addiction - you name it it was there.
He also did his best to undermine her with one of the children, though I know that he really does believe that he is totally in the right (crazy much people).

The crazy thing here is that when this all kicked off - if he had just said - yes I have a problem and I need help - then they would have gone to counselling and the marriage would have been saved. But he buried his head in the sand and blamed everyone.

Stay strong. Don't let him convince you that it is your fault. Also don't think you have wasted your life - your 31 - which is still really young.

Make sure that he supports you all financially. Make sure that you protect yourself and don't listen to his lies - v soon he will swear blind it was only a phase, and that he is all better now.

You know what he is like - so just be ready. Also in terms of the poster above saying you shared the blame - well that is a little harsh - but I can see where they are coming from. I know in my relationship we share the housework - ok granted the house is normally a bit of a mess but we do try to split things evenly, though thankfully there are no kids in the mix. However, housework aside - don't listen to this - you are NOT to blame at all for this. That would be like saying that you caused a junkie to pick up the needed.

If he can admit that he has betrayed your trust then maybe counselling would be an option. Something to consider is that an interest in porn is not necessarily bad. However, if he has gone beyond the boundaries of what you both established for your relationship - then yes this is most definitely bad.
Also teen porn - sorry but that is a major no-no, all the more so with young children in the house. It just shows you though how easily an assumed healthy interest in porn can spiral out of control into dangerous territory (dangerous for the relationship). Some relationships can successfully integrate an interest in porn on behalf of one or both of the partners - but the key thing has to be communication and honesty & above all else respect...

stackerman

pilgrim1 wrote: »

I'm going through something similar right now. I've been married for 10 years and have two lovely kids (9&6). I love my wife dearly, we've been through a tough time lately, (financially). my wife started a new job recently, but everyone in there is young free and single and go out all the time. My wife goes out with them. She's been getting a lot of texts latley from a girl called Maria, and being very secretive. I rang Maria's number and a guy answered. I confronted my wife about this and a huge row broke out. When we were calming down, she dropped the bombshell that although she still loves me, she's not in love with me. She says I'm the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect man, and she feels so bad that she can't love me. I'm also about to lose my job in June.

I haven't been able to eat, sleep or stop crying. I'm scared sh*tless of what the future holds. I'm so worried about what's going to happen to the kids. I've lost touch with most of my friends through financial difficulties, pressures of life and work etc. I'm so lonley and depressed, I have contemplated suicide and it's still on the table. My wife and kids are my whole life.

How did your situation work out? How did you cope? I hope everythings ok for you now.

I know plenty of people who have been through a breakup, and although it is clearly painfull things will change and improve. If your kids are your whole life, and I dont doubt they are, then dont even consider suicide. You will destroy your kids and miss out on a new start for yourself. Head up, eyes forward and one step at a time (as my Dad would say). Stay strong for your kids and yourself, the pain will pass.
The best of luck

Barracudaincork

magsp wrote: »

.He has been looking at hundreds of sites, mostly teen ones, and even after i confronted him about it he has installed a virtual sex game on my laptop. He now has blamed me and said its my fault for not paying him any attention. and has said more or less that i am nothing but a frigid old biddy.

Ask him why he didnt have the balls to tell you how he felt before and why he had to act so sleazy by looking at porn on the net to get his kicks. Take him down a peg or two by questioning his masculine side and why he wasnt man nough to say something before. He wont be able to answer you as there is no issue with you and he therefore wouldnt of been able to say it before, but it will be interesting to see how he tries to get out of you asking him.

Like a lot if things in life, its about moderation, looking at porn on the net or elsewhere in moderation is normal, a hundred sites in a couple of days is not, yours husband has a problem, he just wont own up to that problem and may never will, its up to you if you want to stick around and find out.

Maria G

Taltos wrote: »

I also know someone going thru this. Don't want to say too much as it is quite bitter right now.
Also teen porn - sorry but that is a major no-no, all the more so with young children in the house. It just shows you though how easily an assumed healthy interest in porn can spiral out of control into dangerous territory (dangerous for the relationship). Some relationships can successfully integrate an interest in porn on behalf of one or both of the partners - but the key thing has to be communication and honesty & above all else respect...

Hi OP, I can really feel for you on this issue, and apart from the other problems there seems to be with the relationship, it appears to me that it is mostly stemming from porn. I went through a similar thing with my boyfriend a few years ago. He didn't see the problem with his porn habit, but I could see it changed the way he saw me - more as an object than a person. I even think he was detached from sex, like there was no real emotional connection. If people think they can handle porn as part of a 'healthy' relationship, that's fair enough, but from my experience it's a downward spiral. Is anybody really ok with their husbands/boyfriends looking at other women like that?

Help him seek addiction counselling, there are more people caught in this than you'd believe. I see the sugar club have an ex-porn star talking about the industry this thursday, could be a reality check he needs?

jimmycrackcorm

magsp wrote: »

has said more or less that i am nothing but a frigid old biddy ( i am 31).

Op why would he say this - is it actually the case that you aren't giving him any attention? It's one thing to point out that you are doing housework etc but I don't think you're painting the whole picture here. You can negotiate on housework and fair sharing of the childcare but I suspect you are using it as an excuse to avoid sex with your husband.

magneticimpulse

If your husband has always looked at porn I dont think he is ever going to stop. Fair enough if single men look at porn, but I find it extremely disturbing that he looks at under 18 teenager porn...thats really alarm bells and sick, especially if he now has young children.

Your 31!!! Your like a year older then me. Ive never been married. Your not an old biddy by any means. But id get out of this relationship fast. What are you staying in it for? So he can make you feel worse about yourself? Your better off alone by the sounds of things and your still so young to find someone else to spend your life with.

You sound very independent with work and cleaning house. So Id do yourself a favour and leave. Forget begging him to stay....you can do so much better.

magneticimpulse

pilgrim1 wrote: »

I'm going through something similar right now. I've been married for 10 years and have two lovely kids (9&6). I love my wife dearly, we've been through a tough time lately, (financially). my wife started a new job recently, but everyone in there is young free and single and go out all the time. My wife goes out with them. She's been getting a lot of texts latley from a girl called Maria, and being very secretive. I rang Maria's number and a guy answered. I confronted my wife about this and a huge row broke out. When we were calming down, she dropped the bombshell that although she still loves me, she's not in love with me. She says I'm the perfect husband, the perfect father and the perfect man, and she feels so bad that she can't love me. I'm also about to lose my job in June.

I haven't been able to eat, sleep or stop crying. I'm scared sh*tless of what the future holds. I'm so worried about what's going to happen to the kids. I've lost touch with most of my friends through financial difficulties, pressures of life and work etc. I'm so lonley and depressed, I have contemplated suicide and it's still on the table. My wife and kids are my whole life.

How did your situation work out? How did you cope? I hope everythings ok for you now.

This advice applies to you as well. You dont deserve what your wife is doing. Talk things through, see if you need to separate? Its not the end of the world. Your kids definitely need you, so dont even think of suicide. My cousins have no parents as their mother died and father took his life. Its the saddest possible thing in life and your children dont deserve to lose you completely. You still have an opportunity to work things through, spice things up in the relationship.
Join things, get out if your wife is out all the time. Join sport, meetup or such. Counselling. If all else fails, then its ok to separate and meet someone else who you do get on with. You will still always have your children. As for losing your job, its really not that bad. Life goes on. Ive no job and having a brillant time. The only thing that makes it bad is if you stress about it. Maybe yourself and wife could think about moving abroad, or if you separate, you might have more opportunities to find a job. Really things work out. The worse you can do is stress and cry as thats not going to make things better or solve the problem.

Jumpy

magneticimpulse wrote: »

If your husband has always looked at porn I dont think he is ever going to stop. Fair enough if single men look at porn, but I find it extremely disturbing that he looks at under 18 teenager porn...thats really alarm bells and sick, especially if he now has young children.

Have to stop you there, I have gone back through the thread and nowhere does it say he is looking at under 18s. This is the difference between accusing someone of something that you think is not moral and something that is highly illegal.

Barracudaincork

Jumpy wrote: »

Have to stop you there, I have gone back through the thread and nowhere does it say he is looking at under 18s. This is the difference between accusing someone of something that you think is not moral and something that is highly illegal.

magsp wrote: »

He has been looking at hundreds of sites, mostly teen ones,

Original post by op above. Of course 18 and 19 year olds are still teens, but in general we think of teens between the ages of 13 to 18 (when someone becomes an adult etc) so id imagine this is where the poster got their impression the girl were underage.

MissHoneyBun

Has it not dawned on your husband that maybe if he got off his arse and helped out around the house and with his children that you might have more energy for him?

No, rather than deal with the issue he stuck his head in the sand and took the easy (and lazy) way out by getting sexual gratification from other women while you run the entire household.

Call me old-fashioned but to me a marriage is supposed to be a partnership. That means sharing -all the good stuff, all the crap and all the daily bits in between. Your husband is doing none of this OP and you have effectively been a single mother for a while now, so I certainly wouldn't lament the loss of this man, who in all his selfishness has now decided to jump ship and leave his family as opposed to accepting his responsibilities as a father and husband.

Has he actually considered your needs or his children's throughout any of this or does he just put himself first at all times?

I'm sorry OP but he comes across as a mental and emotional drain and if anything, his leaving is the removal of a problem from your life.

Chinafoot

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Op why would he say this - is it actually the case that you aren't giving him any attention? It's one thing to point out that you are doing housework etc but I don't think you're painting the whole picture here. You can negotiate on housework and fair sharing of the childcare but I suspect you are using it as an excuse to avoid sex with your husband.

Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that she has to do 90% of the housework and childcare while also working full time means she's exhausted and not exactly up for sex. Not to mention the fact that she's probably not too sexually attracted to him at the moment with his behaviour as it is.

She shoudln't have to negotiate anything. They're married. They are partners.