Help for brother

LegacyUser

Hi,
we're having some problems with my brother. He's 20 years of age and suffers from despraxia. He was never treated as my Father always maintained he would grow out of it. Ridiculous I know.

Anyway he's 20 now and in the last year got involved in drugs. He's smoking hash as far as I know and has managed to run up a lot of debt with people. We had to take him away from the situation last year and send him to a relative because of death threats to him and we took his bank card from him and saved up until he had the money to pay back what was owed. Since then he moved back home and my parents have slowly given him back his freedom with his bankcard, own phone etc.

However we found out yesterday that he's been sneaking back to this dealer and now has more debts owed. He broke down about 3 days ago telling my mum he wanted to kill himself and last night we found out about the debts owed.

My father now wants him gone out of the house for good and I just don't know what to do. TBH I don't know if the problems are just drug related or if he has some worse disability that was never diagnosed because of my fathers pig headedness about getting him assessed and monitored.

He's 20 but he's like a big child. He overexaggerates everything and lies constantly. Just a constant stream of lies all the time from the smallest thing like what he had for breakfast to big things to the point where I don't know if he really feel suicidal or just said that because he knew the debt was going to come out and didn't want us going mental at him.

So now I don't know what to do, my father wants him out, my husband doesn't want him coming here and there isn't anywhere else. He has such a mouth on him that you couldn't leave him on the street even one night to learn a lesson because he'd start a fight and end up dead somewhere.

What can we do to help him?? I tried contacting the national drugs helpline but they can't advise they just listen. How do I get him assessed? He's not registered with a gp so can't turn there for help.

Any advice appreciated.

Cheap Thrills!

Hi OP,

Thats a rough situation alright.

A few things spring to mind. Debts....from hash? Unlikely unless he is smoking ounces and ounces a week which is pretty much physically impossible then I would imagine you are looking at something pricier like cocaine perhaps.

Its pretty difficult where there has been a glaring parental failure as here with your Fathers failure to properly deal with the dypraxia. The problem is the lad HAS been disadvantaged by this.....BUT on the other hand he can exploit this fact to avoid the tough love that would be needed to deal with his other problems, lying and drug use.

I would imagine this lad is frustrated within. He can't fit in and succeed in the normal world because his dyspraxia was ignored so he turns to street life but alienates and endangers himself.

I think your Father needs to be talked to. He is partly to blame for this situation, he refused the lad treatment and now he is washing his hands of him. The lad has no skills to manage his own life.

You could take him in but its a big ask with no guarantees.

Drev

Might be a bit late for this but here my 2 cents worth.
SWIM has been involved with various forms of drugs for years. Mainly because of social isolation/exclusion of one kind or another. Over that time SWIM has learned a lot of things which may be of use.
Firstly. Your brother running up Debt from hash, weed or whatever form of THC he's using is unlikely unless he's dealing. It's priced fairly cheaply and anyone with half a mind will make it last. Although there is some form of dependency (Not addiction) with this substance unless he's dealing it's hard to believe he's running up massive debts.
SWIM would look at other drugs as the cause for debt. What’s his behavior like? If his words can't be trusted then the best place to look is in his behavior.
But be careful with this and don’t jump to conclusions without at least 3 things to back up what you’re thinking.
Educate yourself. Makes sure that its almost second nature that you notice things. Remember that the harder you look the harder it will be to find clues. Manly because when one knows what’s being looked for one knows what to hide.
With his condition. Treatment is all I can advise but let him pick the treatment and the same when it comes to any possible drug treatment. I know all you want to do is help him and fix his world but he's got to make the 1st steps and he's got to do it alone. YES your support will be needed, but don’t force it.
The internet is a world of information and mis information so here some things from SWIMs experience to help you out.
Sleep patterns. Find a baseline for his sleep patterns. If he's over sleeping or going to bed during the day (usually shortly after arriving home) then their MAY be something.
Going to bed shortly after arriving home after a night out is usually Stimulants of some form. MDMA, Speed, Coke etc etc which can be addictive.
But only count this as something if there’s also weight loss which goes hand in hand with abuse of the above drugs. Sometimes he may just be tired for legit reasons.
Look out for bongs, pipes (sometimes homemade) and other things that may give u a clue.
Also look out for "baggies" (little plastic zip lock bags) a lot of the time that can be weed etc but not always. So if u do find such things check for powder residue.
Bits of shopping bags are also used as packaging for drugs of all sorts so again keep an eye out. Also "skins" (rolling papers) are used in supply of drugs in pill form. Usually wound at both ends like you'd see boiled sweets packaged.

Some further things are ash marks/smudges on walls or any object commonly touched. Odd Stains on the teeth (usually incisors) which can indicate use of heroin. But only pay heed to this if he's sleeping A LOT. By a lot I mean 18+ hours and on a reg basis and note I don’t mention this drug to alarm you just in the interest of being thorough
That’s as much information as I can think of for now but please feel free to PM me if u want less general advice.
Most importantly as I’ve said above. He won't quit unless he wants to - forcing him to will push him deeper into whatever it is and often in trying to help you may create a situation where he shuts down to you and that's often for the worst.

Once again feel free to PM me for less general advise.

LegacyUser

op you brothers story is exactly the same as my cousins story a year ago, he got addicted to cocaine an ran up massive debts to dealers, his father wouldnt accept anything he was told about his son until the drug dealers burnt his car, they then paid his debt and kept him away from the dealers for a while

then they gave him his freedom again and he got into the same situation again, massive debts and death treats.

one day he told his sister he didnt want to live anymore and a few hours later he killed himself

my advice to you would be to get your brother help as soon as possible, certainly do not let him be thrown out of home, he needs you and your parents for support to get throught this,
your father needs to accept that he is partly to blame and he now needs to help his son
he needs drug counciling to get over his addiction otherwise he will continue to rack more debts. your brother has to accept that he has a problem and needs help otherwise you wont be able to help him