Should I be worried/suspicious?

LegacyUser

For the past few weeks (month+) my girlfriend has started going out regularly, week days weekends. At 1st I though it was just a once of, but lately been noticing it's with work people and the same one(s) each time.

Last week I kind of had enough of it when I found out she had gone to the cinema with 1 of these work people (a guy). But never bothered to say, ohh hey I'm going to the cinema after work with a colleague, I had to persist in asking who she was with and where she was. You might think I'm being the jealous type but I figured these work people were the same person most of the time.

Being a little suspicious because she never talks about it in detail or invites me along I logged on to her webtext and looked at the text she sent and some of the msg there looked like the ones she might send me only they were to this guy.

Also seen that she know this guy is in love with her and something about her not being sure how to deal with the situation.

I brought it up with her and I had to come clean in saying I checked her txt and when asked what the story is between them she didn't know. She couldn't tell me and wouldn't tell me anything about what going on, she wasn't sure what was going one, he's a nice guy, fun etc etc

Tonight I've tried calling her a good few times but no answer and just to have a nosey I checked her call history on the site and she has been txting this guy pretty much all day. Out of say 10 txt 1 went to me and the other 9 to him.

I know it's totally wrong of me to be checking up on her but I can't help feeling there's something going on. Her mobile is out of bounds for me, there's no way I can check that (she prob deletes his text anyway).

I don't know am I over reacting, being jealous, am I right in doing/being either. I can't know what she does all day every day but coming home in the evening, no one home and no answer on her phone and knowing she's was texting him all day (not just today) I can't help feel somethings up.

Wagon

Looks **** alright. Here's what i think:

She isnt telling you anything because she is trying to test the waters with this new bloke and if its a good sign with him she can dump you and immediatly go off with him. That said, if it isnt going to work with him she can use you as a fallback. this is why she told you she doesnt know even thought she knows this guy loves her apperently. the sensible thing to do there would be to cut contaact with him. she hasn't.

I'd end it. As far as im concerned, when one party entertains the idea of someone else they know that are interested in, the relationship is dead.

Taltos

OP

do you like what you are doing now or what you have become?

If not - and I am not sure how you could then you need to change it. Take control and just end this now. It will hurt it will sting. - But you need to end it.

Not because your partner is potentially getting ready to move on.
But because your trust is gone - and without this what is there?
Also - look at what this relationship has driven you to - sneaking into other's mails - not good.

So take back control and walk with your head high.
If you are wrong - well - take the time when you are alone to rediscover yourself. Find out what in you prompted you to check your partners mails. You might not find anything there but are you really really happy with how things are right now?

p.s. Think Wagon is spot on 100% btw... Just trying to put another spin on it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I've just found a note from her to say her and out flatmate (her best friend) are gone visiting a common friend, she had tried to contact me but I don't have a working phone at the min.

I can see where you both are coming from and I think I agree. I haven't really felt 100% ok since her telling me what was going on after asking her and after checking the txt.

Maybe he's just a friend to her but at the same time I find myself asking why is she texting him so much (in comparison to the other numbers in the list)?

For the moment I'm going to give it a day or 2, weekend, before facing her about it. The whole trust thing, yes it is gone but only because of what I think is going on. I only have her word that there's nothing going on between them and if I were wrong it would have all been for nothing.

S23

Wagon wrote: »

Looks **** alright. Here's what i think:

She isnt telling you anything because she is trying to test the waters with this new bloke and if its a good sign with him she can dump you and immediatly go off with him. That said, if it isnt going to work with him she can use you as a fallback. this is why she told you she doesnt know even thought she knows this guy loves her apperently. the sensible thing to do there would be to cut contaact with him. she hasn't.

I'd end it. As far as im concerned, when one party entertains the idea of someone else they know that are interested in, the relationship is dead.

Sorry brother but this seems to be the case. You are Plan B now. Shes just weighing up leaving the safety of you (who is putting up with plenty more than you should have to, sorry but sneaking off to the cinema with a lad thats in love with you and not telling your OH is just not on) before jumping over to this new lad.

Its going to hurt and its going to be a bitter pill to swallow. My advice in these cases is get out on your own terms. It won't seem like much at the time but it saves you that little bit extra sadness and heartache

daveo90

If i was her and you looked at my texts and I had nothing to hide I'd give out !!!

what was her reaction when you said you looked at her texts ????

Because If she wasn't mad then I'd be worried!!

LegacyUser

Like anyone she wasn't happy that I read her txt. I told her why I did it and thats when she said she wasn't sure whats going. Asked me what I had seen, I didn't tell her the extent of what I read hoping for her to tell me. I can't exactly remember the extents of her reaction and what was said (it was quite late) but those were the few things that stood out.

I shouldn't have but I want to know for sure, just looked at her call history online and I'm pretty sure she met him last night briefly. She told me she went to see work friends after seeing her friend with my flatmate. She definately spent the evening texting him about something.

Taltos

Suspiciois wrote: »

thats when she said she wasn't sure whats going. Asked me what I had seen.

Just read that over and over.
> not sure - please read post from Wagon.
> What had I seen - come on - why would she care - you invaded her privacy... This should be the LAST thing she would ask - actually - it should NOT have been asked.

Sorry Op.
Either wait for her to decide - and if she chooses you - who will she pick next time.
Leave and cut your losses. No one deserves to be treated as second-string - you're not a flaming soccer team.

Wagon

> What had I seen - come on - why would she care - you invaded her privacy... This should be the LAST thing she would ask - actually - it should NOT have been asked.

True. Asking what you've seen gives away everything. If my missus told be she checked my texts and had i had nothing to hide, id have given a flat out "no nothing is going on" and while i may have been lightly pissed off that my texts have been read, id be more interested in why they were read in the first place and try and sort it out.

Sorry Op.
Either wait for her to decide - and if she chooses you - who will she pick next time.

Bingo.

Leave and cut your losses. No one deserves to be treated as second-string - you're not a flaming soccer team.

Sooner you do it the better. At the moment you are just wasting your time and energy on someone who doesn't love you. Sorry to be so blunt mate.

Co45

I'm going to put this simply. Shes is cheating or is going to cheat. Either way shes lost interest in you. You need to man up and confront her now and end it. You are being played for a fool. I know you don't want to believe it but its true. All her friends, her colleagues at work, her flat mate etc. all probably know whats going on and you look stupid. Have some dignity and confront her now.

LegacyUser

This is a hard situation.

But in honesty before all the facts of what she might be doing are taken into account, go with what you know.

1. she went to the cinema with another guy and did not say anything to you

2. you know this guy really likes her and she does not know what to do(if she really had no interest in this guy, he would of shut him out the moment he decryed his love).

3. she texts this guy on a regular basis

One of these things is odd, two then you should be suspicious, altogether you have to face the facts she is not being honest with you and something is going on.

The fact she texts him and goes to the cinema with him and even is hiding something from you, means that your right to doubt her.

If it was me I would prob leave her as if she is not being honest with you now, when can she be?

I know it sucks but do you want to be with someone you can't even trust?

LegacyUser

As side from the trust the worrying is a bit about what she might be up to when she's out is a bit much to.

She was home laste last night after going to meet some friends for a few mins which offcourse had my brain working over time and keeping me awake. I'm quite sure those friends might have been this guy, she made calls/txt to him untill quite late last night.

I feel bad about checking her call history online and it has me looking at it regularly and I can clearly see she's texting him again. Only thing is I don't know what those txt are, they could be anything innocent for all I know.

I don't want to breakup, say something that will end it all if I weren't 100% sure, yet I agree with everything above that it is suspicious and I'm incredibly uncomfortable with how it's making me feel.

On the bright side she's texting me loads today but I think she's suspicious of something. She asked my why I was so quiet today. I have been very busy finishing a project but I gues I'm not the same either

legend365

OP don't do this to yourself.

Them thoughts will never leave your head now for the remainder of the relationship no matter how far down the long, with whom or where!

She went to the cinema ON A DATE with a guy(who she knows is mad for her). And your still with her?

Seriously do yourself a favour man!

hightower1

Legends right mate, dump her goodo.
Spend some single time, xbox live, drinking with the boys, chasin women you'll get past it eventually.... when she calls for the eventual "meet up" .... do, enjoy it and call her a taxi the next morn and next weekend pick out a missus for yourself.

A toast in the air your yourself then.

vicecreamsundae

while i think all the other commenters make some good points, there IS a chance she just really likes him as a friend. I've been in a relationship and made new good male friends. and sometimes when you make a new friend, you do tend to text a little more than your more established friends, because you are still getting to know each other.

yes, she should have mentioned about the cinema and about the fact she was texting him so much. and sure it's possible the reason she didn't say anything is because this is a flirtatious thing she has going. but it's also possible she just didn't want you to feel jealous or insecure and so didn't mention. i'm not saying that's the right thing to do, just that it's one explanation.

the fact that this guy has told her he loves her is messy. yes, logically, she should tell him then that hanging out isnt a good idea if she's happy in her relationship with you. but we're not always logical. if she really likes him as a friend, she might think it's possible to be just friends with him. i've been there before, had a male friend say he loved me, and tried to continue just being friends and never told my boyfriend about the guys feelings for me.

i think you just really need to discuss the whole thing. tell her how you feel, ask how she would feel if the situation were reversed. if she says she needs to decide who to be with...well personally, that's when i would tell her to shove it. but if she says she really is just friends with him, then fine, but you should say you want to meet him and hang out with them sometimes. if she's not okay with that she's being completely unreasonable.
only thing in that instance is, if you do meet and hang out with him, you have to be nice! any snide comments or dirty looks and you're the bad guy and she has an excuse to keep you seperated!

but yeah, you just need to talk about the whole thing with her.

Co45

Suspiciois wrote: »

As side from the trust the worrying is a bit about what she might be up to when she's out is a bit much to.

She was home laste last night after going to meet some friends for a few mins which offcourse had my brain working over time and keeping me awake. I'm quite sure those friends might have been this guy, she made calls/txt to him untill quite late last night.

I feel bad about checking her call history online and it has me looking at it regularly and I can clearly see she's texting him again. Only thing is I don't know what those txt are, they could be anything innocent for all I know.

I don't want to breakup, say something that will end it all if I weren't 100% sure, yet I agree with everything above that it is suspicious and I'm incredibly uncomfortable with how it's making me feel.

On the bright side she's texting me loads today but I think she's suspicious of something. She asked my why I was so quiet today. I have been very busy finishing a project but I gues I'm not the same either

I think it's pretty clear you have no intention of breaking up with her. Your clinging onto a last beacon of hope when in reality she is F-U-C-K-I-N-G another guy. Think about that for a second. Shes staying out late into the night with this guy, lying about it and gets her room mate to cover for her, going on one on one dates, txting him constantly, call logs etc.

Man up for gods sake. Why bother making this thread if you were just going to ignore everyones advice? I know its difficult but this girl is most definitely cheating on you. You know this deep down but dont want to admit it.

Taltos

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

while i think all the other commenters make some good points, there IS a chance .....

erhm - She is lying to the OP!?!*!??!

OP you know what to do. Up to you now. Best of luck.

S23

I think part of your reasoning (be it subconscious or whatever) in not wanting to break up with her is that you know shes going to end up with him 100% if you do break up. Whereas if you cling on to that 1% hope shes not already having had some kind of sexual encounter with him and will choose to stay with you.

If you break up he definitely gets her. If you hang on theres only a massive probability he does.

Also, it sounds like shes heavily emotionally investing herself in this lad at your expense anyway. Lust is one thing, emotion is another.

Also, as someone said, your OH went on date with some lad and never told you. I say it was a date because if you had nothing to worry about and it was just her going out with a friend then she'd have had no trouble telling you.

Shes already lying to you, hiding things from you, sneaking around behind your back. I don't know what more you want? Chances are all thats left for you is the final twist of the knife when she leaves you for him.

littlefriend

You poor think OP. Hugs to you.
I think you are too deeply involved in this to see things clearly. You really need to leave her. You are not going to keep her by letting her away with this. Perhaps if you show her your strength and self respect by dumping her she will have a new found respect for you and mend her ways. Incidently she is treating you like this because you are allowing it. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.

Being single is infinitely better than feeling nervous/sad/scared/panicky/hurt/foolish/invisible/unworthy of love in a relationship. For your own sake, move on and become happy again.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

Get out of that relationship...she went to the cinema with a guy who she was/is(?) sending flirty text messages to...

Imagine a friend of yours came up to you and told you his girlfriend was doing the exact same thing.

You have to look at the situation from a rational point of view. Your advice would 100% be, 'leave her', now take your own advice and do it.

G-Money

Sounds suspect alright. Put it this way, imagine the tables were reversed, what would she be thinking?

If I thought a girl I was seeing was chasing after some other guy and sussing him out as a potential bf and using me as a fallback, I'd ditch her before she got the chance to end it with me. I'd also secretly hope that other thing doesn't work so she ends up on her tod.

I know relationships end and no-one should be feeling obliged to stay in one if they are not happy. But by the same token, it's completely unfair to keep your current person as a backup in-case the person you are after doesn't feel the same way.

Unfortunately I can sense her coming out with some b****cks like "I'm not sure what I want" which translated means "I want to sleep with someone else".

Sorry dude, I hope I'm wrong.

tinkerbell

OP, your girlfriend is texting a male colleague loads and going on DATES with him - yes, she is dating him, going to the cinema with this guy! I mean, come on. He's a work colleague, not her best friend that she hangs around with.

There is definitely something going on there.

Dump her, she's cheating on you, it's blatantly obvious.

vicecreamsundae

we can NOT say his gf is definitely sleeping with someone else from the OPs post, and the fact that so many people are implying that's practically a fact is not cool.
yes, she's definitely out of line they way she is keeping details about this new friendship to herself and not taking her boyfriend's feelings into account enough.
but to simply say she MUST be sleeping with this other guy is a bit rash.

going to the cinema with a male friend is NOT ALWAYS a date. it can be, but it might not be.

the OP did not say she was sending otherguy "flirty" texts, only that she texts otherguy with similar kind of things she would the OP. i took that to mean the same casual, jokey things they might send each other. again, maybe they are flirtatious and if the OP wants to clarify that, cool. but we can't just assume that's what he meant.

the OP said that from reading their texts he realised that otherguy had made it know he had strong feelings for the girl, and the girl said she didnt know how to deal with it. that is very different from her saying the feeling is mutual. annnd again, she might mean she doesnt know how to handle having feelings for both guys. or she might simply have meant that she loves her bf, likes otherguy as a friend, and so doesnt know how to deal with his feelings.

even if there is a flirtatious thing going on between her and this guy [which i agree seems likely] it still does NOT mean she is actually sleeping with him. there is quite a big jump between meeting someone new while you're in a relationship, and ACTUALLY making the decision to sleep with them behind your partner's back, especially when he's aware they're hanging out.

OP the only thing to do here is have a big talk with your gf. she's not treating you right. but don't jump to the conclusion that she's sleeping with him just because everyone on here is so positive without even knowing her.

qt9ukbg60ivjrn

creamsundae is right, some people (including me) are taking what you've said out of context.

It would be a bit over the top to think she is sleeping with him.

However, maybe a 'big talk' might fix it, but it seems she is trying to avoid this because you've confronted her about this already and got almost nowhere.

You're girlfriend is not treating you with the respect you deserve. When you are in a relationship with someone there has to be a level of respect and trust there. It seems to be gone in your relationship because either you are over analysing a nothing situation or your girlfriend is acting like a down lo ho.

From what you've told us I think this looks like your girlfriends fault.

Talk to her and if it is not resolved get rid of her.

(I doubt talking to her will do anything)

Beeinmybonnet

It's definitely suspicious and not normal. You shouldn't be put in a position where you are made feel like this.

I just discovered that my bf has been meeting another girl for drinks and lunch behind my back, and was her house recently one evening and didn't tell me even though I was speaking to him that night. I don't think that type of behaviour is acceptable, especially as it's done behind my back.

You poor thing, it's not easy.

legend365

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

going to the cinema with a male friend is NOT ALWAYS a date.

Yes, but if she KNOWS the male friend fanceys the arse off her, thats completely different.

S23

And if she knows the male in questions is basically head over heels with her. And she doesn't tell her boyfriend what she is doing when she goes to meet him = meets this guy in secret. Then what does that equate to exactly.

Girl knows guy is head over heels about her. Meets him to go to the cinema and deceives boyfriend about the whole thing.

And don't give me the whole 'she may not have told you because she was afraid you might get jealous' thing. Thats complete bollocks. If there was nothing for the OP to worry about she wouldn't have given a flying fcuk about telling him

You are either straight with your partner or you are untrustworthy. And even more so when it comes to 'seeing' people behind his/her back.

LegacyUser

Op I mean this in the nicest way:

Man up, look at the facts and confront her, this will NOT get better if you just ignore it.

From what you have been saying, she has not told you the truth on several occasions and that is enough for you to, at least ask her some serious questions.

At the end of the day you can do what you want and I know it hurts to think of it, but it will hurt more if she is sleeping with this guy and breaks it off with you out of no where.

Confront her, it will suck but you are owed a explanation for her behavior.

Also keep us posted on how you get on, hope it works out for the best op.

vicecreamsundae

S23 wrote: »

And if she knows the male in questions is basically head over heels with her. And she doesn't tell her boyfriend what she is doing when she goes to meet him = meets this guy in secret. Then what does that equate to exactly.

Girl knows guy is head over heels about her. Meets him to go to the cinema and deceives boyfriend about the whole thing.

And don't give me the whole 'she may not have told you because she was afraid you might get jealous' thing. Thats complete bollocks. If there was nothing for the OP to worry about she wouldn't have given a flying fcuk about telling him

You are either straight with your partner or you are untrustworthy. And even more so when it comes to 'seeing' people behind his/her back.

in general, i do agree with you. i certainly agree she is being deceptive and that it's wrong.

but i do think people can be idiots and that she may have gone to the cinema with him thinking "we can be just friends and go to the cinema" even if she knows he likes her. i know when i was younger, i thought like that, though i realise it's silly now.

and there were times when i downplayed to my boyfriend about hanging out with male friends because i knew he would get jealous, when there was nothing to worry about. [even gay friends.]

she certainly shouldn't be doing these things and lying to her boyfriend, i just don't believe it definitely means she is sleeping with him, is all i am trying to say.

legend365

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

i just don't believe it definitely means she is sleeping with him, is all i am trying to say.

Now, maybe not.

Eventually? Possibly

Hope you sorted this out OP.