Are men really "blind" when it comes to housework?

Mutley2009

... Or do they chose not to look? Myself and my BF each work a 40 hour week (we also have a 5 year old). Despite us both working the same time outside of the house. I do all the washing, cleaning & cooking. We have had countless discussions ... "I don't see what needs to be done, just tell me & I'll do it"

For christ sake! he is 34 years old, if the floor is dirty it needs to be cleaned. If the laundry hamper is full chances are somebody needs to emtpy the frickin' thing. It is not rocket science, he expects me to sit there and say, this needs to be done .. oh and also that ... Why is it impossible for him to think for himself and simply do what needs doing?

I do it all and get no thanks. He cooks meal and he's updating his status on FaceBook like he is some paragon of modern life!

Excuse the ranty style of this post, but I am exhausted and at my wits end. He suggests I take time for myself like taking up a hobby - so I return to double the mess than I would on a normal day ... please.

Please advise on this, feeling taken for granted is soul destroying.

Nevyn

Make a list of everything which needs to be done, make a rota based on what the routine is and make a chart for the fridge. That way he just has to look at what needs to be done on the day and go do it and tick it off.

kmick

Mutley2009 wrote: »

We have had countless discussions ... "I don't see what needs to be done, just tell me & I'll do it"

Could you even try the approach he suggests above?

SueWho

The sheets would be able to crawl to the wash by themselves by the time my boyfriend would cosider it time to change them!!

SO rather than get annoyed or try to make him do these things that he can't even see the point of, we split the whole house tasks in a way that works for us. He cooks 80% of the time, does DIY man type stuff, puts out the bins etc while I change sheets, clean the bathroom, sweep floor etc. Regular washing up is probably 70:30 me:him but to me it's easier just to do a little more than nag him.

Maybe you could have a chat with him and see if you can split up the total house tasks between you in a way that you each do the things you sort of like/ see a point to.

PopUp

'Men' aren't, no. But lazy people will basically use any excuse to be lazy.

And I say that as someone who can be plenty lazy in some areas... not housework, but I own a very dusty exercise bike

You have lots of good ideas here. Get a rota, make a list. Get into a cleaning routine (ie the kitchen gets done 6pm-6.15 on Tuesday and Thursday, etc etc) and stick to it.

Don't expect him to be a mindreader. If people weren't trained by their parents to be diligent about housework (or financial matters, or regular exercise, etc etc) it's a hard habit to learn in adulthood. It's nothing to do with being a 'man' though.

Kimia

What do you think of this? I saw it in the Daily Mail today - i know i'll probably get roasted for this but I see a lot of sense in what she's saying - especially about the praise/nagging thing.

How to train your husband like a dog!

1) STOP NAGGING, STOP SHOUTING

I was a nag. About the screwed up tissues, the towels on the floor, taking too long in the bathroom. You name it, I was there nagging.

I felt Scott's behaviour had forced me to whinge and complain. But, animal trainers don't nag and, most of the time, they don't even correct bad behaviour - they have an approach called 'gentling' or 'affection training' which means rewarding the behaviour they like and disregarding what they don't like.

Nagging and shouting doesn't work. I'd done it for years and Scott was still messy, forgetful and always late. We humans assume that pointing out what we don't want makes clear what we do desire.

Punishment tends to have nasty side-effects such as apathy, fear and aggression. None of these are conducive to learning. A scared or raging animal does not make a good student.

2) IDENTIFY YOUR SPECIES

To make training easier, enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species to understand how it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what doesn't.

My species is territorial when it comes to the remote control and bass settings on the stereo, he cannot hear high-pitched noises, enjoys a carnivorous diet and is prone to long periods of hibernation.
Man and woman argue over TV remote (posed by models)

In the end it's always better to play to a species' strong suit. Scott, for example, is nocturnal - so early morning flights or early morning anything are a trial - so I avoid them.

He is food driven and can always be distracted, bribed or enticed with food. He needs exercising daily - great for mowing lawns, running errands and trips to the corner shop.

But, just as you can't stop a dog from digging or a camel from spitting, I'm sorry to say there's no stopping my husband from losing his wallet and keys.

But then good trainers don't want automaton animals. To love your animal is also to accept it - instincts and all.

3) IGNORE BAD BEHAVIOUR

Forget arguing about the mess your partner makes every time he cooks, or the way he leaves his smelly socks strewn around the bedroom.

Perhaps the most important lesson I learnt from the animal trainers I met is that, rather than punish or draw attention to behaviour you don't like, you should simply ignore it.

The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behaviour. If a behaviour provokes no response at all, it typically dies away.

So, when my dear husband was - yet again - tearing around our house in a bad-tempered, last-minute search for his keys, instead of stopping what I was doing to help him find them and try to calm him down, this time I said absolutely nothing, ignored his tantrum and carried on with the washing up.

It took a lot of discipline, but the results were immediate. He looked for them himself and found the keys. Without my attention, his temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and then waned like a fast moving storm. I was tempted to throw him a bone.

4) GOOD BOY!

Just as ignoring your partner's irritating habits will help to wean him off them, rewarding the things he does right - just as an animal trainer would - will also reinforce good behaviour.

Whether it's cleaning the car, putting the bins out or mowing the lawn, make a real point of thanking your partner as soon as he does something you like.

When my husband - a too-fast driver in my opinion - eased off the accelerator, I thanked him.

Likewise, if he managed to throw one dirty T-shirt into the laundry basket (even though the chair in our bedroom was buried under half his wardrobe)I quickly got good results from the combination of ignoring my husband's bad habits and praising his good ones.

Scott basked in my growing appreciation. He started to throw more laundry into the basket and drove less aggressively.

In fact, the more positive I was with my husband, the faster his husbandly defensiveness faded away. When I asked him to do something, he was more responsive.

His spousal deafness miraculously seemed to improve, too.

5) LURING AND BAITING

Luring is a way of saying: 'You will get this, but only if you do that'. A reward is promised for performing a task. Trainers have used it for centuries. A common way to teach a dog to sit is to hold a tasty morsel right over its head which prompts him to put his bottom on the floor.

Now, some trainers aren't keen on luring, as they think it gives the animal a chance to decide in advance whether the treat is big enough or not. The gamble is that the animal may hold out on you.

I am all for luring husbands, but you must judge if yours will think the prize is worth the bother.

I once lured Scott to Ikea on a Saturday with the promise of a plateful of their Swedish meatballs in the restaurant afterwards. It only worked once - he decided the scrum of shoppers wasn't worth the tasty treat.

But his favourite meal cooked and served at the dining room table will always get him away from the TV and off the sofa.

6) ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN

To get an animal, and therefore your partner, to perform a particular task, you need to break the task down into baby steps and focus on the most important part of it.

Overcomplicated and confused messages about what's required will get you nowhere.

For example, if I wanted Scott to be dressed and ready on time for a dinner party, I shouldn't also expect him to have drinks poured.

If he did manage to have the wine open - great - but that was icing on the cake. Getting dressed on time was the most important part of the task and that was what I had to focus on and praise him for.

I also realised I needed to stop confusing him by raising the bar mid-behaviour - meaning no more 'thanks-butting' as I call it, (as in 'thanks for getting the shopping, but you've bought the wrong kind of milk'.) Raising the bar not only confuses men as to what you want from them, but it also demotivates.

7) DON'T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY

As humans, we tend to project all kinds of human characteristics, motivations and talents on to animals. We assume the dog chewed our new pair of Ugg boots out of spite. He didn't.

Projecting human feelings and characteristics on to an animal can lead to bad training decisions - so if you're going to think like an animal trainer, you need to keep a cool head and not take the other people's actions so personally.

Previously, I'd see yet another pile of Scott's sweaty cycling clothes left on the bathroom floor as an affront to me, a symbol of how he didn't care enough about my feelings. Now, in animal trainer mode, I considered Scott's behaviour with a cooler head.

He left his smelly cycling shorts on the bathroom floor not because he didn't love me, but because it was simply convenient.

He has a bad memory and a worse sense of smell - it wasn't meant as a personal affront to me, and wasn't worth rowing about.

Not taking your partner's actions personally is liberating, but no easy task. I realised that I, like many mates, took way too much personally - and often saw offence where none was intended.

8) DON'T DOMINATE

We, like other members of the animal kingdom, push to see who's the boss. We primates are big on hierarchy. We want others to know who is in charge.

I, like so many wives, unwittingly skirmished to win control of my marriage by thrusting 'my way' on Scott. He had to take my route to the shops, and I thought I was being helpful when I showed him how to cut vegetables how I did them.

But all I was doing was planting my flag and claiming my territory. When Scott stubbornly resisted I snarled.

Dog trainers warn students to guard against their deep instinct to boss another creature around, as it does not encourage a positive relationship with your pet.

Instead, you have a relationship built on fear and resentment rather than one centred around trust and love.

9) PICK YOUR MOMENT

Trainers never try to teach an animal when it's having an off day.

Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, we often pick the worst moment, say, when someone is frantic over a lost pet, wallet or pay cheque to drive home a point - 'If you just used a lead, kept track of your stuff or deposited the cheque like I told you, this wouldn't have happened!'

Or we try to tackle a problem when we've got PMS or are feeling stressed about something.

We may mean well, but a point made in this way will typically fall on deaf ears and may even provoke an angry swipe.

People, like animals, aren't wired to learn or teach lessons when they're out of sorts.

Instead, be sure to choose a time to 'train' your partner when you are both feeling calm and in a good mood.

10) READ THE CUES

An animal trainer cannot let his or her attention wander - ever. A missed cue, even from a small animal can have big consequences.

Trainers can't stand around hoping that the glaring big cat won't pounce or that the agitated dog won't bite.

They need to be able to read the signals their animals give them so they can anticipate their every move and act quickly.

This technique works well with human animals, too.

Most nights, my husband beats me to the bathroom. He likes to take a book or magazine with him, which means it's always a good half hour before I can finally get in there.

I had tried rapping on the door and getting angry but nothing worked - until I realised I needed to look for cues - and stop the behaviour before it started.

Now if he wanders towards the staircase with a magazine in hand or casually asks me if I've seen his bike catalogue at the end of the evening - I make a dash for it, calling 'all I need is a minute'.

This way, I can scrub, floss and brush and settle down to watch a bit of television in bed until he joins me.

Mutley2009

All very valid points, and yes I have tried to tell him what needs doing in the hope that eventually he would see these things for himself. At the end of the day he is a grown man, I've just put together a roster which basically lists per day everything that I do at present - I'll bring it home and discuss it later, I feel like I am dealing with a child here! I think he is of the attitude (& probably unbeknownst to himself) that the more that is done for him the less he has to go or worry about doing. I've tried leaving it all for a week, even pots on the hob - and guess what NOTHING got done.

Perhaps it is his upbringing, til this day his Mom still runs around after everyone especially the men, whilst the women are expected to clear the table and help with washing up. She's from a different era where all womean stayed at home. Nowadays almost all of us have to work therefore the housework should be 50/50 end of.

prinz

Mutley2009 wrote: »

... Or do they chose not to look?

Nothing whatsoever to do with being a man. Jus has to do with being a lazy and thoughtless person.

Thaedydal wrote: »

Make a list of everything which needs to be done, make a rota based on what the routine is and make a chart for the fridge..

You've just given her one extra chore to do about the house. He's 34 not 14, he shouldn't need to check a rota to see what has to be done. If he doesn't look at a dirty floor and realise it needs to be cleaned he won't be bothered going to check a rota to tell him it needs to be cleaned.

kmick wrote: »

Could you even try the approach he suggests above?

She's the gf not the mother, he's 34, he shouldn't need to be told what to do. Even if she tried I wonder how long it takes before he accuses her of 'nagging'.

OS119

OP, why do you assume that your hubby should have the same standards/veiws on housework as you?

if he genuinely thinks that a task doesn't need doing, why do you think he should do it anyway?

put up a rota without actually consulting him - you know, an adult human with the ability to make decisions for himself - and you'll either be ignored or told to 'fcuk off and sort yourself out', and then be ignored.

you need to have a logical, facts-based conversation about how often the different tasks need doing, and what the parameters of 'clean' are, and you'll both have to agree to it. then you can set up a rota for who does what and when.

sarcasm/ any floor bleaching or door frame dusting you wish to do outside of the agreed parameters of 'when it needs doing' could be your new hobby! /sarcasm

S23

SueWho wrote: »

The sheets would be able to crawl to the wash by themselves by the time my boyfriend would cosider it time to change them!!

SO rather than get annoyed or try to make him do these things that he can't even see the point of, we split the whole house tasks in a way that works for us. He cooks 80% of the time, does DIY man type stuff, puts out the bins etc while I change sheets, clean the bathroom, sweep floor etc. Regular washing up is probably 70:30 me:him but to me it's easier just to do a little more than nag him.

Maybe you could have a chat with him and see if you can split up the total house tasks between you in a way that you each do the things you sort of like/ see a point to.

As a man, I would say this is the best bit of advice. Split it up between you. He sounds like hes just a lazy fecker but maybe he doesn't see certain stuff. My missus deals with the laundry, sheets, cleaning bathrooms. I do the hoovering, cooking, washing up. Honestly, it wouldn't occur to me that the sheets need chaging sometimes and my OH would be insistant they were in an awful state.

You need to split it between you. You both work 40 hour weeks. You're both adults. As far as I'm concerned the days of the woman being the one charged with doing all the housework are long gone and that neanderthal Victorian mindset is out the window. Its both your place, your both responsible for looking after it

prinz

Mutley2009 wrote: »

Perhaps it is his upbringing, til this day his Mom still runs around after everyone especially the men, whilst the women are expected to clear the table and help with washing up..

There's your problem. Bit late for change now though, surely you were aware of this problem since your relationship began? Have you been taking care of him up to now?

Mutley2009 wrote: »

She's from a different era where all womean stayed at home. Nowadays almost all of us have to work therefore the housework should be 50/50 end of.

Not everyone from that era is alike. My mother would be of that era, getting married meant leaving her job to work at home. That didn't stop her teaching all her sons how to cook, clean, sew, iron etc etc. She thought us how to be self-sufficient, and that carries through into a relationship where instead of waiting for the other person to do everything, anything they do do is a bonus and is appreciated as it is something I then do have to do myself.

Mutley2009

I couldn't have said it better myself! and the nag thing - don't even go there, so all women are nags cos all men are lazy ... right?

Mutley2009

prinz wrote: »

There's your problem. Bit late for change now though, surely you were aware of this problem since your relationship began? Have you been taking care of him up to now?.

Yes I have let things slide, and I have to take responsibility for that, so now he is like, "what happened my fun girlfriend" I'll tell you she got worn out looking after your ass!

Kimia

OS119 wrote: »

OP, why do you assume that your hubby should have the same standards/veiws on housework as you?

if he genuinely thinks that a task doesn't need doing, why do you think he should do it anyway?

God, isn't she such a nagging fish wife! Imagine, wanting pots on the hob to be cleaned and put away within a week! Surely she's being completely unreasonable. :rolleyes:

Sigh.

prinz

Mutley2009 wrote: »

Yes I have let things slide, and I have to take responsibility for that, so now he is like, "what happened my fun girlfriend" I'll tell you she got worn out looking after your ass!

There's your problem you should've laid down the law from day one. I hope it's not too late to start. You just need to have it out with him unfortunately. Until he gets the message.

seamus

OS119 wrote: »

if he genuinely thinks that a task doesn't need doing, why do you think he should do it anyway?

This is really the key here. In general, you'll find that what a man considers clean and what a woman considers clean are miles apart. My wife for example will insist that we change the sheets when I'd be more than happy to go for another month. That's not because I'm lazy, it's because I genuinely don't see the need to change the sheets at that particular time - they're not smelly and they're not dirty.

The same goes for hoovering, bins, toilets and a whole range of other household things.

There's no need to go into a genetic/evolutionary debate on it, I'm just pointing out the reality. Yes, some men are cleaner than some women, but by and large women are more fastidious about cleanliness than men are.

Do what your husband suggests - if you think that hoovering needs to be done, then ask him to do it. Don't assume that he'll just notice. The clothes basket is full? Again, don't expect him to notice, ask him to do it.

No, you shouldn't have to, but welcome to reality.

He will eventually get the hang of it and will do it without asking, but you will have to sit on him for a bit (but don't nag!).

I too would also recommend the splitting part. My wife cleans the toilets. I take out the bins. We each wash our own clothes and anything like towels and sheets get washed by whoever's doing a wash at the time when they need to be washed.
I do the hoovering - though occassionally she will ask me to do it when I would have left it for another three days.
Whoever gets home first does the cooking. The other person then does the washing up.

Mutley2009

OS119 wrote: »

OP, why do you assume that your hubby should have the same standards/veiws on housework as you?

Dude, I presume I am correct in my asumption! my standards are nothing out of the normal, I am not looking to eat my dinner off the floor! Just general day to day housework, more tidy than spotlessly clean. That'sa total cop out to say that he shouldn't have the same standards as me, given than mine are more than reasonable.

OS119

buy a dishwasher.

in the mean time, don't serve food to him on plates - a plastic carrier bag would be a good option to start with - and don't give him cutlery. if he suddenly sees the value of such things, he can get wash them himself.

don't call him lazy, call him a dirty fcuking heathen.

assuming that your standards are reasonable, and not those of some OCD, bleach-weilding freak, then just don't do his stuff while he refuses to contribute to the general pleasentness of the house.

after a week of being served dinner in a plastic bag, having no clean clothes - and finding whatever clothes have been washed are in a damp, stinking pile that smells like a wet dog - he'll get the idea.

if he doesn't, he's obviously a tramp who likes to roll in dogshit and you'll probably have decided that you'd be wanting a divorce anyway.

moaning about it won't work, by and large men can live with the high-pitched whine longer than women can put up with the mess - so we know that women will, by and large, deal with it long before the noise becomes unbearable. don't make noise, take sanctions.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

moaning about it won't work, by and large men can live with the high-pitched whine longer than women can put up with the mess

Asking someone to clean up isn't high pitched whining. It's asking someone to have the decency to help you out. Grow up for gods sake

Nevyn

If the two adults in the house are both working full time then it is not unreasonable for them to split the house work. Mind you most guys would rather let it build up over the week and then do a two hour blitz once a week and most women are tidy clean as you go.

But the responsiblity should not be on one person and it should not be 'women's work'.

gavney1

Well, first off, in my own personal experience, it's not a "man" thing

I live with a guy and a girl. The girl is horribly lazy. The guy isn't fantastic, but he's not that bad. Me - I like a tidy house but I'm not obsessed with shining floors and I would only clean my sheets once every couple of months.

OP, you need to

1. Realise that messiness is NOT a guy thing.

2. However, not being able to pick up hints IS a guy thing. You need to say it to him straight, but don't give out or nag or be demand - even if you feel you have the right, it will probably just be counterproductive, and you'll be suffering even more

3. Maybe there are some things that he genuinely doesn't care about if they're clean, and it's a bit unfair to expect him to have the same idea of a clean house as him. Sure, some things are basic and universal - like washing dishes/ filling & emptying dishwasher, taking out the trash.

But some things, most people don't really care about on a day to day (or even weekly) basis - such as washing the floors, cleaning cupboards etc...

Please note I may be way off on Point no. 3, as you may or may not be a "clean freak", I can't really tell from your post

gavney1

Kimia wrote: »

God, isn't she such a nagging fish wife! Imagine, wanting pots on the hob to be cleaned and put away within a week! Surely she's being completely unreasonable. :rolleyes:

Sigh.

I think a distinction needs to be made between standards of cleanliness.

Some things are basic and un-negotiable- like, as you said, cleaning pots on the hob

But, personally I don't see the need to clean my sheets every couple of weeks - but some people do. It's not laziness, I just don't see the point, and it costs money and wastes energy (please believe me, that's really not just excuse-making)

Kimia

gavney1 wrote: »

But, personally I don't see the need to clean my sheets every couple of weeks - but some people do.

No offense Gavney, but that is a bit manky. I'm afraid to ask how often you do clean them if you think 2 weeks is ridiculous.... :eek:

gavney1

Kimia wrote: »

No offense Gavney, but that is a bit manky. I'm afraid to ask how often you do clean them if you think 2 weeks is ridiculous.... :eek:

every 6- 8 weeks I'd say. I know I'm not alone as well, cause one of the two people I live with washes them even less often!

I don't think every 2 weeks is "ridiculous" by the way, it's just a difference of opinion.

bills

dont necessarily think thats a guy thing as my OH is actually very fussy about certain things, much more than me !! & im a girl.

OS119

OS119 wrote: »

OP, why do you assume that your hubby should have the same standards/veiws on housework as you?

if he genuinely thinks that a task doesn't need doing, why do you think he should do it anyway?

Are you serious? Nothing OP has said here makes it sound like she has OCD or is overdoing the cleaning. Plenty of people are 'blind' to things which really need doing. I live with my sister and she never takes out the bin, she leaves her dishes for days and has never hoovered or cleaned the toilet. She doesn't think they need doing, but of course they do.

you need to have a logical, facts-based conversation about how often the different tasks need doing, and what the parameters of 'clean' are, and you'll both have to agree to it. then you can set up a rota for who does what and when.

She should hardly have to. They are two adults, not an adult and a child. It really bugs me when I end up having to tell adults to do their share of the cleaning. I manage to do it without being told, why can't others? Living with someone like OP's partner would wreck my head. It's not 1900. OP is working outside the home, so housework should be shared. This whole 'but I didn't realise it needed doing' is immature bullsh*t spouted by lazy, spoiled Mammy's boys and girls. Any idiot can see that the bin is full or the dirty pot on the cooker needs to be washed.

gavney1

[quote=[Deleted User];64872352]

She should hardly have to. They are two adults, not an adult and a child. It really bugs me when I end up having to tell adults to do their share of the cleaning. I manage to do it without being told, why can't others? Living with someone like OP's partner would wreck my head. It's not 1900. OP is working outside the home, so housework should be shared. This whole 'but I didn't realise it needed doing' is immature bullsh*t spouted by lazy, spoiled Mammy's boys and girls. Any idiot can see that the bin is full or the dirty pot on the cooker needs to be washed.[/QUOTE]

I think that this attitude is only going to make things worse for the OP.
You're right - she shouldn't have to tell him anything. But if she doesn't say anything - she's the one that's going to suffer, not him

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];64872352]
She should hardly have to. They are two adults, not an adult and a child. It really bugs me when I end up having to tell adults to do their share of the cleaning. I manage to do it without being told, why can't others? Living with someone like OP's partner would wreck my head. It's not 1900. OP is working outside the home, so housework should be shared. This whole 'but I didn't realise it needed doing' is immature bullsh*t spouted by lazy, spoiled Mammy's boys and girls. Any idiot can see that the bin is full or the dirty pot on the cooker needs to be washed.[/QUOTE]

+1.

'I didn't realise it needed doing' is bull. No way would anyone get away with that attitude in the workplace. If a person can hold down a job, then they are well aware of basic tasks that need to be done in the home, no excuses.

It's basic laziness to not see fundamental jobs that have to be done around the home. Pretending you can't see the jobs to be done is a huge lack of respect towards the partner who's carrying the load. Having to be told to do it over and over again will inevitably lead to the accusation that one party is nagging

You should not have to hold your partner's hand when it comes to matters like keeping a home tidy. Even if it's only to lessen the nagging accusations.

Darthhoob

what we need to remember is that men and women are GENERALLY different in their ways of thinking. i'm a woman BUT i am more male in my way of thinking with regards to some things lol (apparently i'm very left brained...which men are so that may explain it lol)

like your OH i do not see mess the same as you probbaly would, my OH usually sees it before i do tbh. well, it's not so much that i dont see it, more i dont see it NEEDING to be done unless it's really in dire need of doing...it's not high on the lest of my priorities compared to other stuff. i often need reminding myself........

best way we do things is a rota, in a to do list form. plan your week/month and write down the jobs that need doing and when...and by whom! IF your OH is not simply lazy it may get done then...if not a kick up the arse is needed.

Grawns

If you can possibly afford it - get a cleaner Working full time and taking care of a five year old is too much work without a helpful partner.

daisybelle2008

Mutley2009 wrote: »

Dude, I presume I am correct in my asumption! my standards are nothing out of the normal, I am not looking to eat my dinner off the floor! Just general day to day housework, more tidy than spotlessly clean. That'sa total cop out to say that he shouldn't have the same standards as me, given than mine are more than reasonable.

In your opinion they are, he is entitled to different standards. It is up to you to accept them or take action if they are dealbreakers. No one is asking you to do his share (not even him) yet you are doing it and complaining that you are not getting thanks and getting frustrated and annoyed.
When I first moved in with my ex, he was exactly like your fella (I was even working longer hours then him!) I told him how I felt, he said tell me what needs to be done and I will do it. I said fine and gave him a list of half the jobs. He didn't do it or did it badly. I said no problem, packed my case and told him I am moving back home as we are not compatible in an important aspect. No arguing, nagging, frustration, just me deciding what was required for a good relationship and allowing him to decide if he wanted to do that. He looked for another chance and completely turned around, he became houseproud and we enjoyed more time together as we shared the jobs and I respected him more. Win win you could say. But I had to respect that he was entitled to feel and do household stuff differently, if I could not tolerate or accept his standards well then I had to put up or get out. If he did not feel the relationship was important enough to compromise he was perfectly entitled.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

In your opinion they are, he is entitled to different standards. It is up to you to accept them or take action if they are dealbreakers. No one is asking you to do his share (not even him) yet you are doing it and complaining that you are not getting thanks and getting frustrated and annoyed.
When I first moved in with my ex, he was exactly like your fella (I was even working longer hours then him!) I told him how I felt, he said tell me what needs to be done and I will do it. I said fine and gave him a list of half the jobs. He didn't do it or did it badly. I said no problem, packed my case and told him I am moving back home as we are not compatible in an important aspect. No arguing, nagging, frustration, just me deciding what was required for a good relationship and allowing him to decide if he wanted to do that. He looked for another chance and completely turned around, he became houseproud and we enjoyed more time together as we shared the jobs and I respected him more. Win win you could say. But I had to respect that he was entitled to feel and do household stuff differently, if I could not tolerate or accept his standards well then I had to put up or get out. If he did not feel the relationship was important enough to compromise he was perfectly entitled.

You handled it very well as it caused minimum stress, worry and hassle for you. I think that's the key for relationships, if you're not getting what you want out of it, move on.

I think what stresses most people in situations like this is that they've come to the realisation that they're in a relationship with a person who must be pandered to in order to get them on side. Treating your partner like a child puts a serious strain on what is essentially supposed to be an adult relationship, no-one wants to be in a relationship that is so emotionally unbalanced.