My mother is miserable till the end

LegacyUser

Hi, I am in my early 20's and have recently moved home for a few months. Things have not been good at home for a long time and recently they are at an all time low. My parents have a very strange relationship and personally don't like each other any more. In fact my mother hates my father and the only reason they have never split is because neither of them are capable of living alone. They are both in their late 50's/early 60's now so I guess as this stage of their lives they are not going to ever split. My mother is dependent on Dad to bring in money and she has no source of income herself so she relies on him at the end of the day.

Anyway I should also mention that my Dad has not been behaving very normal lately and I think he has lost it a bit in the head. This has been the case for many many years but over the past 2 years he seems to be getting stranger. My mother also suffers from depression and has very bad anxiety problems. Her outlook can range from being very positive and humorous on a good day to being extremely negative and temperamental on a bad day. It breaks my heart to see my mother not happy with life and I wish I could do something to help her but one thing I have learned since I was a teenager is that I can't help her if she does not want to help herself. I just feel terrible that she is always down about things like money and issues with my father but it is never ending in this house.

There is no solution to their problems and as mundane as this sounds they are just gonna continue like this forever in my opinion. I could write a book about the things that go on at home believe me but don't want to bore you any more with details. After all, even the most normal appearing families have problems that most people will never know about. Anyway in my situation I have to be around them every day and while I love them both and would do anything for them, it is extremely depressing at times to be in this house. My brothers are gone away so its just me and this is a big part of why my mother is so miserable. I don't even know what I am asking here to be honest I just felt like typing this up. I dunno I feel like some people are just destant to be unhappy and things will never change at home. I would never turn my back on my parents but for my own sanity I think it is best if I am away from them.

Kevster

Hi,

You said that you have to be at home all day around them - Is this really the case? I'd like to hear from anyone who has returned to their parent's house and not gotten a bit depressed about it. Your situation is obviously a little different than most, but living with your parents while you are an adult yourself was never going to be fantastic. I don't know why exactly you feel as if you have to stay there all day - Maybe there is a reason you haven't mentioned - but I'm thinking that there is a way out of this.

You don't have to let your life 'stall' as it seems to be now. Start to 'not' focus on your parents' situation and instead focus on your own. Don't let their hopelessness lead to hopelessness on your own part. You will always have your own life to live and enjoy.

Kevin

StillWaters

I think you are right that it is better if you are away from them, and not living at home. Yes, their relationship sounds dysfunctional and co-dependent, but they have reached this dynamic after years of marriage, and really it is no-ones business but their own.

Their marriage is not your responsibility.

" I dunno I feel like some people are just destant to be unhappy"
I don't believe some people are destined to be unhappy. Either or both of your parents could decide to end their marriage and take their chances at being happier on their own, but they choose not to. You have to respect that decision, let them live their own lives, and live yours, learning lessons from their relationship which will enhance your own life.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I understand what ye mean when ye say that I have to live my own life and let them live theirs. As messed up as things can be at home there is often still harmony. It just depends on the day. I think I let it get me down too much that they are not always happy with each other and I am often envy of friends families who seem to be happier. Anyway I still love them either way and am lucky to have them, just need to take the rough with the smooth at times.
Thanks

LegacyUser

grimstarr wrote: »

Thanks, I understand what ye mean when ye say that I have to live my own life and let them live theirs. As messed up as things can be at home there is often still harmony. It just depends on the day. I think I let it get me down too much that they are not always happy with each other and I am often envy of friends families who seem to be happier. Anyway I still love them either way and am lucky to have them, just need to take the rough with the smooth at times.
Thanks

Sorry if i'm being mean but aren't you a bit old to be naive enough to think that my friends mammy and daddy are absolutely perfect and have a fantastic life. Every family has their problems and I think at your age you should not be letting your parents faults affect you so much as they sound trivial enough on the grand scale of things. You need to move out and stop letting this get you down so much, the older you get the more things you'll notice about family members that you don't agree with and they are not the perfect human beings we might have perceived them as in our childhood. It's part of getting older and becoming your own person with your own views on how things should be, that doesn't mean you should get depressed about it, it's life and life is too short to be wasted worrying about things like this.