Is my boyfriend being unfair?

LegacyUser

Hi, I really need some objective opinions on this. First off my boyfriend is a lot older than me. He's separated with 3 kids from his wife and one from an affair. I am 28 with no baggage. We fell for eachother really quickly and now - 5 months on, are living together.

We are very much in love and have talked about being together forever but recently i have had a few doubts.

His relationship with his ex wife is tempestuous at best. They seem to argue all the time about anything and everything. He called over yesterday to collect a bill and i was informed they had had another row. He told he said to her "You're a c*nt and I hope you die of aids". I nearly threw up I was so shocked and disgusted that he could speak that way to the mother of his children. He said he just got angry and it slipped out. He also refers to the moether of his other child as a c*nt too. This bothers me.

I think the biggest problem i have is how he reacts to me still being in touch with my ex boyfriend. We broke up 3 years ago after a 3 year relationship and 2 year friendship previous too that and although we did mess about up vuntil last summer (however occasionallly) we really are totally over eachother. We have both gone out with other people and to be honest i think its great that we could salavge our friendship because we were so close before we got toegther but as a couple we did not work.

Anyway, I don't even talk to my ex that much, maybe twice a week and via email - i wouldn't chat to him on the phone hardly ever and i never see him.

Everytime my boyfriend sees me messaging him he flies off the handle - freaks out. I've even discovered on more than one occasion that he's logged in to my emails and read conversations with my ex, and today he went mental because i had spoken to him and i didn't tell him. As if I was doing something wrong? Am I doing anything wrong? I have said to my current boyfriend that i am happy to cut contact with my ex if it makes him happy but i want to explain to my ex why i'm doing it but my boyfriend says that will make him look controlling so doesn't want that.

I feel like i'm sacrificing a lot settling down with a guy whos already been married and has 4 children to support....He hasn't even looked in to making his separation legal yet. I just feel like the least he could do is trust me? BUt maybe i am in the wrong??

Any help would be great?

krudler

I'd run a mile tbh, he sounds like an arsehole, freaking out, calling his ex names, has an illegitmate child from someone who he cheated on his wife with?, sounds like a right keeper alright.you sound much more grounded if you're able to have a civilised relationship with an ex and act like an adult instead of losing the rag when he's with his, kids or no kids, this is why I wont ever get with someone that has baggage.

LegacyUser

After reading what you posted, op, I heard so many alarm bells I now have a headache!!

I completely agree with krudler! I would definitely be running a mile.

And to answer your question, NO you are not in the wrong. As you have explained here, and I'm sure to your current bf, you're just friends with your ex. Your bf needs to trust you. And yes he does sound very controlling.

Cheap Thrills!

Red flags all over the place OP.

He doesn't want you to tell the ex you're stopping contact in case it sounds controlling? It IS controlling....he can't have it both ways.

Cheated on his wife, got someone else pregnant, left her. Has 4 kids to support...calls his exes cnuts.......

OP, you only have to look to the past to see what will happen in the future....cheating, verbal abuse and now he is controlling you....

Its not good OP.

LegacyUser

OP, did you post on here a few weeks back about your boyfriends ex supposedly being psycho....allegedly stalking you on an internet forum etc and letting him know she knew where the two of you were moving to etc?

Its just that the circumstances were the same, left wife with 3 kids, affair another baby.....all seems familiar?

If so, this man does not sound like a wise investment of your time. He cheats. He has 4 kids so may be reluctant to have any more. He is trying to control you already....

What if he cheats on you?

Jessica-Rabbit

After reading your post I have lost count of the red flags present.. I can assure you that any man that speaks to the mother of his children like that isnt worth it .. if he speaks to her this way I can assure you sooner or later it will be you ,, he has no right to go through you emails and phone ect.. I think you are dating an insecure disrepectfull awfull person who has no consideration for anyone only himself and my strong adivce to you is get out now while you can.. no decent man would ever dare speak to anyone the way this man dose and no decent man will ever tell you who you can and cant be friends with,, it seems you have a lovely healthly realtionship with your ex. dont sacrfice this for a jealous insecure man.. talk to you ex .. explain everything to him and see what he says

Walls

His relationship with the ex is dreadful even though it, by necessity, will be ongoing. Run very far, very fast, please.

stephen_n

The only thing I'm finding hard to understand from your post is what your doing with him and why your still there?

Munster_Gal

If ur having doubts then there's a reason!
Follow your gut feeling.... and imo .. get the hell out of there as quick as you can!!!!

mood

Run as fast as you can! Why waste time with a man like this? And why get involved with a man who is not even legally seperated? I bet he and his wife haven't even split up that long ago.

LegacyUser

yeah run and don't look back, has anybody asked any questions why he has a problem with you making contact with your ex and why. There must be some underlying issues here that have not been mentioned as it just seems to be one sided in your thread, like why do you need to talk to your ex has he some hold over you or do you wish you were back with him, does he make you feel good about yourself and do you talk to all your ex's in the same way.
Why don't you be open about your ex why make him a secret and I suppose it could also be what you are telling your ex. If you not happy then leave and find someone else who has no baggage and has no issues with you having contact with your ex and whenever and however you contact him.

LegacyUser

Run, Run and dont look back

Judge someone by their previous behaviour...........

My ex walked out on me and 2 little kids...... he is all loved up with someone else now and she hasnt a clue what shes in for......

My ex is a nasty nasty piece of work

Run away fast before you end up tied to this man with a child of your own

His past speaks volumes, the way he speaks to his ex now will be the same way he speaks to you in the future. Take it from someone whos been there.

LegacyUser

sell by date wrote: »

There must be some underlying issues here that have not been mentioned as it just seems to be one sided in your thread, like why do you need to talk to your ex has he some hold over you or do you wish you were back with him, does he make you feel good about yourself and do you talk to all your ex's in the same way.

Didn't you read what the OP said???

The underlying issue is her selfish boyfriend. It sounds like the OP has a healthy relationship with her ex (unlike her current boyfriends extremely unhealthy and worrying relationships with his ex's) and doesn't "need" to contact him at all, she actually said she offered to stop talking to her ex but her current bf would not allow it because he would look controlling - WARNING WARNING!! THIS IS BECAUSE HE IS BEING CONTROLLING AND HE KNOWS YOUR EX WILL TELL YOU THIS ON AND HE'S AFRAID YOU WILL LISTEN TO HIM.

As for the OP's ex making her feel good about herself? Is that not what we all want from our friends? That's why we have friends. The OP said her and her ex are over each other so I am guessing the messages being exchanged are not of a sexual or flirtatious manner.

Well OP, I have been in a situation like yours. So similar in fact that there are paragraphs in your post that feel like i could have written myself. I wouldn't have had the courage to post here though because he was watching everything i did and would have seen it in no time.

My ex was married with one child, a child from a previous relationship and a child from an affair during his marriage. He said all of the women had ruined his life, and would refer to them as c*nts - a word that he now uses to describe me. He was the worlds biggest victim and I thought I was the only one who could save him. That's how he made me feel. For the first while anyway.

I too had maintained good relationships with exs or guys i'd briefly been involved with, It caused trouble for me like the issues you have explained in your post and eventually i had to just cut contact with them. I got to a point where i was too embarassed to tell my friends (who had always disapproved of him from day 1) what was going on! We started to drift apart and i found myself relying on only him.

He couldn't bear to think that i could be happy in any situation that didn't involve him. Whenever i was away from him at family lunchs or out with my girl friends - i would always get a message from him saying i'd done something wrong or had disappointed him in some way. It took me so long to see all this OP though - i'm begging you to get out while you still can, I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if i had recognised this so soon in.

I became so isolated and dependent on him he controlled and manipulated everything i did, even though i knew deep down it was wrong for far too long i believed i was different and we were soulmates etc.

Run like the wind

metrovelvet

You must have hit that stage already where you look at the person and think "I really dont know what there is to like about you."

Honestly, if you stick around Id think you have a suicide by proxy fantasy.

countryliving

sounds like a very messy situation. if your single at 28 and he has 4 kids to support and he sounds controlling.
give yourself time to get over this twit.
trust me when i say - there are lots of guys out there your age and that are single with no baggage and would treat you great
and im 36 and i still meet lots of single guys
good luck

prinz

cantworkout wrote: »

Hi, I really need some objective opinions on this. First off my boyfriend is a lot older than me. He's separated with 3 kids from his wife and one from an affair. I am 28 with no baggage. We fell for eachother really quickly and now - 5 months on, are living together.
We are very much in love and have talked about being together forever but recently i have had a few doubts.

A "few doubts"? :eek:... do you want to be the next 'ex with kid/s'... What do you think he told his wife and other ex- that they weren't very much in love and weren't going to be together forever?

AnonoBoy

Take a look at your situation onjectively OP. Do you really want to be with someone controlling who refers to the one of the mothers of his children as a c*nt to her face?

What would you advise a friend to do in your place?

mylittlepony

You have written at least twice on this situation of yours and you are still having doubts about him.
Walk away. Now.

Just for example cos your man said that he hope his wife (legal separate or not) died of aids. (Awful thing to say) but imagine worst sceanrio it happens, he end up a widow with 3 kids.
Would you be happy to become 'stepmom' to his 3 kids.
Have you ever met the kids in the 5 months ye together?
Do you like them do they like you? etc

What about your own future - do you want kids? Marriage
Would he let you have kids by him?
Does he want to be married again?
Ye are 5 months nearly half a year gone, you should know by now if ye are for keeps or not.

I would never ever put myself in this situation.
He is not worth it.
You deserve better.
Get out.

Come on, they are better guys than him out there, single and no kids or emotional baggage etc.
Good Luck.

Oryx

Youre only 5 months in, you havent even begun to see this guys true side, youre still in that 'were so in love/lust its crazy' stage. I bet a chat with either of those poor exes would give you another side to this guy that youve no idea about yet.

It all smells of so much trouble. Hes already trying to control you and flys off the handle. How long before it 'slips out' during an argument that you too are a c*nt? This man has two failed relationships, and is already after only a few months, jealously telling you who you can or cant see. It does not bode well. Unless you want to be Messed Up Ex #3 Id be reexamining this whole relationship.

Neyite

err.. run.away.now

he is seriously screwed up if he says that to any woman. you'll be next- so make sure its being said as you are walking away from him towards a brighter better future that involves someone who treats you with respect.

lazygal

Is this the same poster as before? If so, she's posted a few time on the same issue and each time was told to run as far from this man as possible. I'm not sure if she's expecting a different response but here goes:
You did not run any other time you asked for advice.
Do so now, before you get knocked up and he is telling his next fling what a cnt you are.
Realise you are getting NOTHING from this "relationship" and you will have major regrets if you continue.

Ginger Nut

I really think you have self esteem issues. Why would you want to be with someone who refers to the mother of his kids as a "c**t".

Whats his problem with you e-mailing your ex. Is it because he is judging you by his own standards. If he was in touch with an ex (that is those he does not refer to as a c**t) he probable would be having an affair with them by now.

Ok so him marriage did not work out and he left his wife and children (bast**d) but once he bedded the next "c**t" he was away again. Did he leave the 2nd "c**t" for you??

JonathanAnon

Not sure why you would want to take on soooooo much baggage. Four kids by two different ex partners is a big ask. I would be worried that in two years it would five kids by three different ex partners. He sounds like he's very possessive also, and I'm sure this is something that is only going to get progressively worse, not better.

I think you really need to re-evaluate this relationship before you have your own "baggage", and this guy is in your life for good. Good luck OP

aidan24326

krudler wrote: »

I'd run a mile tbh, he sounds like an arsehole, freaking out, calling his ex names, has an illegitmate child from someone who he cheated on his wife with?, sounds like a right keeper alright.you sound much more grounded if you're able to have a civilised relationship with an ex and act like an adult instead of losing the rag when he's with his, kids or no kids, this is why I wont ever get with someone that has baggage.

Slightly off-topic, but there is no such thing. A child is a child, and I wish people would stop using that stupid out-dated term once and for all.

OP, in relation to him going through your emails, WTF? Why don't you just change your password? Why do you stand for that sort of nonsense? As for still being friends with your ex, the level of friendship that's there sounds fairly harmless, and it's none of your bf's business to tell you who you can or can not communicate with. He sounds controlling, and like others have said there's red flags in every sentence. If you fell for him in the first place then he must have some redeeming features, but you haven't exactly gone out of your way to tell us about them.