Nobody at Birthday Party.

DigiGal

It was my birthday last week and I did one of those invite things on Facebook telling people where it was etc..It was a band playing in town who my OH knows.

47 ppl RSVP'd, I knew that it was a longshot that all those people would turn up so I text most of them the day before asking if they were coming etc..
I reserved 5 tables (each for around 4 ppl) just incase alot of people let me down.

I get there on the night in my new dress with my OH 8pm sharp, looking around, seems nobody arrived yet, so i go to the bar get a drink and chat to the band. 8:30 comes, still nobody, I send out a few texts....no replies.

9pm, support band are finished still no sign of anyone.
9:30 The band manager comes over and says sorry guys but can we give away these tables there are loads of people standing, so I said yes.

and still up until 10pm I kept my eye on the door waiting...then I acccepted it, nobody came to my birthday party...out of 47 people not a single one, not family, not old friends, nobody from college....nobody
So i Spent the rest of the night trying not to cry, sneaking off for a sly weep in the toilets, trying not to ruin my OH's night or embarrass myself.

Fair enough if they didn't want to come but to tell me they would the night before and not even text to say sorry I cant make it. I actually thought that now I was in college I would be able to have a party but no...
And if that isnt bad enough on Monday when asked in college how it was obviously I lied through my teeth saying awh yeah was great craic to which someone replied....oh yeah I heard nobody showed up.

I've barely been able to get out of bed im so depressed, I'm not doing my college work, I've stopped eating. i was already particularly fragile as the week before I was turned away at the door of some party and let my friends go in which resulted in me walking home alone and getting mugged and assaulted......I actually cant cope anymore, its one thing after another!

I realise that with all the horrible things happening in thw world that this is a trivial matter and I feel very guilty for feeling sorry for myself I was always a strong person but I'm just finding it difficult to cope

lazygal

Hi OP,
I actually had a chat about this kind of thing with a friend recently. We're in our late 20s so have a collection of friends from college, school, various workplaces etc. We have both realised that people suit themselves. I'm not saying if this is good or bad, but you have to accept this and suit yourself. Maybe you are the kind of person that would be better off with a small circle of people you know you can rely on. That does not even need to include family BTW-my younger brother suits himself 100% and we've learned not to count on him for family occasions because its not worth the stress of it.
I can say I can count on one hand the number of people I can actually rely on. I've had a tough time over the past few years and about four friends helped me through it. They are the ones I count on. I consider a lot of other people more as acquaintances. I mean, I'll have fun with them on a night out or weekend away but equally, if they don't turn up I'm not that bothered because I don't want them to hurt me and its more of a superficial thing.
I also think facebook and the ilk can create a false impression of friendship. Maybe you would be better inviting a small group in person and making firm arrangments which you can count on. Thats what I've started to do, I know it might sound cynical but many people are so unreliable there is no point counting on them for things like this.

JonathanAnon

DigiGal wrote: »

Fair enough if they didn't want to come but to tell me they would the night before and not even text to say sorry I cant make it. I actually thought that now I was in college I would be able to have a party but no...And if that isnt bad enough on Monday when asked in college how it was obviously I lied through my teeth saying awh yeah was great craic to which someone replied....oh yeah I heard nobody showed up.

Firstly, whoever made that remark is certainly not a friend and I wouldnt have wanted them there anyway. It sounds very strange that nobody would show up, are you sure there wasnt a mix up, something else on that night etc etc... Or has there been any ill feeling between people in the class over anything?

DigiGal

lazygal wrote: »

Hi OP,
I actually had a chat about this kind of thing with a friend recently. We're in our late 20s so have a collection of friends from college, school, various workplaces etc. We have both realised that people suit themselves. I'm not saying if this is good or bad, but you have to accept this and suit yourself. Maybe you are the kind of person that would be better off with a small circle of people you know you can rely on. That does not even need to include family BTW-my younger brother suits himself 100% and we've learned not to count on him for family occasions because its not worth the stress of it.
I can say I can count on one hand the number of people I can actually rely on. I've had a tough time over the past few years and about four friends helped me through it. They are the ones I count on. I consider a lot of other people more as acquaintances. I mean, I'll have fun with them on a night out or weekend away but equally, if they don't turn up I'm not that bothered because I don't want them to hurt me and its more of a superficial thing.
I also think facebook and the ilk can create a false impression of friendship. Maybe you would be better inviting a small group in person and making firm arrangments which you can count on. Thats what I've started to do, I know it might sound cynical but many people are so unreliable there is no point counting on them for things like this.

I usually do rely on just my OH and my best friends(2) as they are they are the only friends I have tbh. But I put up the afcebook thing and was surprised at how many people rsvp'd.

The thing is that night showed me I can rely on nobody, not a single solitary person showed up. Not my best friends not my aquaintences, I am not a organise things person I really put myself out on a limb doing this. I'm still in disbelief and dont worry I wont be doing it again!!!!

DigiGal

JonathanAnon wrote: »

Firstly, whoever made that remark is certainly not a friend and I wouldnt have wanted them there anyway. It sounds very strange that nobody would show up, are you sure there wasnt a mix up, something else on that night etc etc... Or has there been any ill feeling between people in the class over anything?

Yeah that person wasn't invited and is not well liked by anyone, he is the bitchy asshole of the college. Yes I am positive nobody showed up, I would not lie about that otherwise there would be no reason for me to post this thread. There would be no problem and I would not be upset but yes I am 100% certain that NOBODY showed up (except my OH who was with me of course) , not a single person. I dont know how someone could mix up texting me the night before ssaying, yeah sure i'll come. and then not coming
I'm no sure what you mean by ill feeling, they obviously dont like me as they didn't come but I dotn think I did anything to cause that, i'm rather quiet and make a point of not talking about people behind their backs and always do them favours

tenchi-fan

Hi
First off, that's sucks. It is true that you need to learn who you can rely on. I had some friends who went out for my birthday, but let me down when I actually needed them!
My friends now are pretty solid but I really would have a hard time rallying a gang together for my birthday now.

I think your main mistake was the facebook invites. You really should have printed out proper invitations and delivered them in person. I get loads of fb invites from people i havent seen in ages and most of the time I click "maybe" but really think "if they want me to come they'll phone me."

DigiGal

tenchifan wrote: »

Hi
First off, that's sucks. It is true that you need to learn who you can rely on. I had some friends who went out for my birthday, but let me down when I actually needed them!
My friends now are pretty solid but I really would have a hard time rallying a gang together for my birthday now.

I think your main mistake was the facebook invites. You really should have printed out proper invitations and delivered them in person. I get loads of fb invites from people i havent seen in ages and most of the time I click "maybe" but really think "if they want me to come they'll phone me."

Oh i text them too, well whos number I had anyway which was most of them, we make a point of having our whole groups numbers in college just in case. I wouldn't rely on FB either

tenchi-fan

DigiGal wrote: »

Oh i text them too, well whos number I had anyway which was most of them, we make a point of having our whole groups numbers in college just in case. I wouldn't rely on FB either

sorry but there's not a huge difference between a text and a fb invite. neither is particularly personal.
if you want my advice, if you do actually have a few close friends why not invite them for a drink this weekend? just explain your party didn't go well and you'd like a few quiet drinks... just an idea.

DigiGal

tenchifan wrote: »

sorry but there's not a huge difference between a text and a fb invite. neither is particularly personal.
if you want my advice, if you do actually have a few close friends why not invite them for a drink this weekend? just explain your party didn't go well and you'd like a few quiet drinks... just an idea.

being an art college student with about 5quid to my name and 600E rent to pay every month means that I quite often dont have money for phone credit and have to rely on meteor free texts as does everyone else in college hence it being the main use of communication. I onyl ring in the event of an emergency.
I really dont think tbh that just because I text someone means I they shouldnt come to my party, It was a friends 18th a few weeks back, she sent invites by text, 105 people in a function room in the red cow showed up she did it by facebook and text.

i wont have money to invite any close friends out till next weekend, rent is due tomorro, but i'll try it out when I get my wages, i can buy credit then

JonathanAnon

I think all you can do at this stage is learn from the experience.. i.e. facebook and to a certain extent, people, are unreliable. Dont be embarrassed about it, hold your head up high. If someone makes a smart remark like "nobody showed up", best thing you can say is just admit honestly that you were a bit disappointed with the turnout and just pass it off. And anyway your boyfriend was there so someone did show up.

I'm no sure what you mean by ill feeling, they obviously dont like me as they didn't come but I dotn think I did anything to cause that, i'm rather quiet and make a point of not talking about people behind their backs and always do them favours

well I didnt mean you directly, but rather more a "row within the group" or something. I was just wondering was there some underlying situation that may have deterred people from attending.

It's something that you have to scratch up to experience. Try not to think about it and dont listen to the opinions of people who dont matter. Chin up Gal.

DigiGal

JonathanAnon wrote: »

I think all you can do at this stage is learn from the experience.. i.e. facebook and to a certain extent, people, are unreliable. Dont be embarrassed about it, hold your head up high. If someone makes a smart remark like "nobody showed up", best thing you can say is just admit honestly that you were a bit disappointed with the turnout and just pass it off. And anyway your boyfriend was there so someone did show up.


well I didnt mean you directly, but rather more a "row within the group" or something. I was just wondering was there some underlying situation that may have deterred people from attending.

It's something that you have to scratch up to experience. Try not to think about it and dont listen to the opinions of people who dont matter. Chin up Gal.

Hmm, not sure of any rows tbh, i like to stay out of that silly stuff, maybe though, there is an awful lot of immaturity in my college.

Yeah lying about it was stupid caused me more embarrassment than just telling the truth, i just hate all that "awh jaysus thatas terrible" carp people put on when you tell them.

JonathanAnon

Re: Your friend's 18th.

I think when you hire out a function room, as opposed to reserving a few tables in a pub, it creates more of an onus on the people who do RSVP to show up. I think having the event in a pub, and sending invites by FB in-formalized the event so people may have felt the event was more optional than you would have intended. That's my amateur 2cent psychology of it anyway.

f you want my advice, if you do actually have a few close friends why not invite them for a drink this weekend? just explain your party didn't go well and you'd like a few quiet drinks... just an idea.

I think that this is a good idea. It would help if you spoke to someone about the recent events that have happened to you. Might help pick you up. Good luck.

anniehoo

Aw Digigal thats awful,really awful. Yeh on the scale of all the problems in the world its not the worst,but still. I wouldve been gutted.Facebook friends i wouldnt be bothered about to be honest as most of them are just acquaintances. But if my best friends or family didnt show up without a valid excuse id be so upset.So upset!!!!!

Im really surprised though that neither of your best friends replied. What kind of friends are they? I wouldnt shrug it off and pretend you're fine. I would visibly make it known i was furious. Those that apologise and try to make amends are worth keeping, the rest...well...see ya later. Theyre not worth your tears.

Monkey61

See this is one of the reasons that I don't have birthday parties - they are an awful lot of stress and hassle for the organiser and generally something will happen to stop you enjoying your actual birthday - much better to spend it with a close friend or two/boyfriend/girlfriend or close family.

To be brutally honest, if your best friends said they would go and then didn't turn up without so much as a phone call or text; they do NOT consider themselves to be your best friends.

Also though the problem with facebook invites is, that 50 people respond and see that 50 people have said they will go; so on the night when Mary's sister or Johnny's girlfriend invites her/him out to dinner instead, Mary and Johnny think - "ah sure no harm if I don't go, loads of other people are going."

Are these 47 people really that close to you either? That's a very big number. And people who are your acquaintances or classmates tend to not be particularly pushed by birthday celebrations unless they are very close to you. I would rarely be interested in going to an acquaintances birthday unless my good friends were also going.

It sounds like a horrible thing to happen and it's no wonder that you are upset. But I think learn from it and move on. You know now that those you thought were close to you probably don't feel the same way about you for whatever reason - so feck it. Maybe it is time to make some new friends.

we'llallhavetea_old

just a quick post here digi gal, haven't read through all posts.

you need new friends, seriously. you have to be hangin round with the wrong people.

and to be turned away from a party, what is this, a feckin american frat party?

you come across as a lovely person, and this is an awful thing that has happened to you. please try to make new friends, not for the sake of having friends but someone who is like minded and kind and wants to give something to a friendship.

the fact that your two "best friends" didn't show up is setting off alarm bells for me. they are not best friends, they would have at least made you aware if they weren't going to come to the party.

people are complete bastards.

please try your best to pull yourself together and get out there. don't let the actions of these complete twats keep you down, they sound like the kind of people who would enjoy watching you suffer.

ztoical

Those facebook event things are more trouble then they are worth. People have a habit of just hitting yes to everything without really looking at what the actually event is. Had something on last year that my brother set a facebook up for, several friends ticked the attending box even though I knew they wouldn't be attending as they live in another country. They can be good place to have info and stuff up but always best to say something face to face.

Other then facebook and texts did you actually speak to people about the birthday? Also were people aware that you'd reserved tables? Frankly if you didn't make a big deal out of it people aren't as pushed to make the effort - for 21st or 30th's etc you usually book a room/section of pub, get food in, have a band/dj/something on etc...if people know that effort/money is going into it they feel they should make the effort and show. I've driven across the country for a 30th birthday where I knew they'd booked a whole pub for the night but not going to do that if it's something like a 27th and they are just going to their local pub. Do your friends live close to where this pub is? People are better in smaller places to make the effort cus they're usually only short bit away but if your Dublin based it can be royal pain getting around and if you didn't say you'd booked tables people don't feel as pushed and end up being lazy. I know when I was in college in Dublin, everyone lived all over the city and getting people to meet up for anything was a nightmare.

Having said all that they should still have texted/called and said they couldn't make it and putting it with the whole getting turned away at the door I'd seriously look at getting new people to go out with. Been out with friends where one or more has been refused at a door and the whole group goes else where.

silvervixen84

I'm really sorry that happened to you, it must have sucked so much for you that night. That's why I don't organise functions for myself like that.

However I can't believe your best friends let you down, it might be worth asking them why they didn't show and not tell you why on the night.

I'd be savage too, but you can't let it take over. Focus on the people who are there for you, they're the ones who count.

BroomBurner

First off, I'm very sorry to hear thatyou were mugged and assaulted, and hope you're ok, or getting better.

I agree with Silvervixen, you need to ask your friends why they didn't show. It might be hard to swallow your pride and ask, but it might help to give you some piece of mind.

It was fairly poor show. FB is one thing, but if people actually did text you back to say they would be there, then not show, that was fairly bad form.

shellyboo

That's awful Digigal. One thing I can think of - were these friends all one group, or people who didn't really know eachother? I know that well-meaning people would agree to go to a friend's party, but when they realise they will only know the birthday person, back out due to awkwardness or whatever.

It's still no excuse for them not letting you know they couldn't make it, of course - I just hope you won't think it's because of you that they didn't actually go. People are inherently selfish, and they don't really put themselves out for others, especially in social situations. It's a sad fact, but a fact nonetheless.

LisaMe

Ah, I give up on birthday parties. I think it depends on your personality whether a party suits you or not. Some people just don't bother with a party and would just head out with their boyfriend or 1 or 2 friends. For me, I wanted to have a big 21st, I was thinking of booking a function room and everything. Lots of people said they would come and then they cancelled at the last minute. About 5 came out in the end and I made the most of it... but I felt sad that others would drive across the whole country to go to other peoples' 21sts. It thought me a lesson not to be depending on old random acquaintances through Bebo- it did give a false sense of friendship.

Do you usually hang out with your college friends? When I was in college, we'd all go out together anyway every week so I had a big group to go out with for my birthday during m college years. However now my friends are scattered all over the place and I'm not working so I don't have one big crowd who I go everywhere with.

Chin up my dear, I'm sure you'll meet lots of nice new people soon

Sarn

That's terrible. People should have had the courtesy to let you know they weren't going to turn up. As someone else mentioned, they may have dropped out thinking that there'd be loads of people there and wouldn't be noticed.

Another thing, I know this is just making excuses but your party was around the Ireland England rugby match so that could have added to the no shows especially if it was on the same night. Trying to shift people from one place to another when they've been drinking is a nightmare. While it doesn't excuse people not letting you know it could have been a contributing factor.

GretchenWieners

Another idea would've been to ask who was free on whatever date, then there's no excuse for them.
Those people aren't your friends. Why not get involved in something and get into a new circle? If these people are really your friends, they'll make the effort to contact you. Otherwise it's not worth the time or money.

Chin up, it was only one birthday, you'll have plenty more I hope

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

Also though the problem with facebook invites is, that 50 people respond and see that 50 people have said they will go; so on the night when Mary's sister or Johnny's girlfriend invites her/him out to dinner instead, Mary and Johnny think - "ah sure no harm if I don't go, loads of other people are going."

That's what i thought when I read your post.

LeixlipRed

Jesus, that's just horrible tbh. I can't even imagine the pain of organising something big like that to not even have one single person turn up. Your friends, if you can call them that, are clearly not friends at all. Anyone who responds to a text the night before saying they will go and doesn't is a complete and utter **** of the highest order. And I can be a dick to people, I'm sure I've mistreated friends over the years but I'd never do something like that. I can't even imagine how crap you feel and I really don't have any advice on how you could possibly get over it. Just dump the friends completely. Even if that hurts you more in the short term.

spinandscribble

When you say you make a point over not talking about people is it possible you insulted people? Maybe rubbed your dislike of their behaviour in their face?

I'm not saying its right to talk behind peoples backs but sometimes tact is needed when dealing with immature people, they're twice as likely to take offense to things imho. You have to get along with them as they're in your class but at the same time you shouldn't change.
TBH you should treat these people as classmates and not friends because if you don't hang around with them they're not your friends.
As far as that person saying noone turned up, first of all A-HOLE, but besides that, it does seem they were aware noone went, which means the class may have discussed it among themselves.

If i was you, if there was anyone sound in the group who may be in with everyone but would talk to you, just ask them do they know why noone came? Maybe, there's a reason. Its sortof unlikely everyone in the group are insensitive, its funny that noone txted you to say they wouldn't be going.

The party that you were turned away from, was it a party of someone in this group?

GretchenWieners

I wouldn't dump the friends, it's not her fault that they're being complete prats. If anything distance yourself from them, but I wouldn't dump them because if anything that'll give them more satisfaction.

"X isn't talking to any of us because of none of us going to her party".
That's just giving them ammunition to let them bitch about her which I really don't think is deserved on OP's part. Get into a new social circle, do new things and if these so called "friends" want to do anything, you might actually have a few more opportunities to say, "can't I'm busy, end of" instead of their lovely methods.

S23

I'm sorry to hear what happend and it was a real kick while you were down after being mugged and assaulted.

A few good points were made. Facebook notifications are useless. People pay little or no attention to them. However, if someone texts to say they are going then the courteous thing to do is show up.

I agree 100% that its ridiculous that people can't give a straight answer. I've been involved in organising fundraising events for a club I am involved with and also running gigs when I was in a band. I found that everybody says yes even if they have no intention of going. It got to a point where I called people out on it. I'd say 'if you're not going to go just f**king say so' because inaccurate estimates of figures threw the planning of these things totally off. Unfortunately people are just like that. Its easier to say yes and lie than be honest and say no for some reason.

Next thing. You went to a club and you were (the only one?) refused and they all went in without you and left you to yourself? Maybe I'm old fashioned but when out with friends when I was your age, 18-20 region i guess, we either all got in or we went somewhere else. Friends don't behave like that. You don't simply walk away and say 'hard luck you go off and entertain yourself now'.

But finally one thing you should note seriously in all this is that birthday parties don't suit everyone. Depending on the makeup of your group of friends etc.. sometimes they just aren't suitable unless its for a really big occasion.
Just reading your post I realised that I have plenty of friends but I really doubt if I tried to put together a party it would come off. I just wouldn't see 50 or 60 of them showing up. It might not make sense to someone else but it makes perfect sense to me. They are just not the type.

Also, another point was well made by someone earlier in the thread. Theres a big difference between a friend or and acquaintance/social friend. Really good, solid and reliable friends are hard to come by and most people generally won't have more than a handful of those. Acquaintances/socialising friends are a different kettle of fish altogether and can't be relied upon in the same way.

I can see why you feel down and all but its really not as bad as you think. You're at a stage in your life where you'll start to learn a lot more about people and who you can rely on etc..

KnocKnocKnock

Hi DigiGal,

I'm sorry for the tough time you're having lately, I know from personal experience the feeling of rejection and humiliation when parties aren't successful.
Was it a big birthday for you like a 21st or 18th? Did you send personal texts or just generic "hey everyone" texts? Do you socialize with these people a lot outside of class? Did you talk about your party in person with them?

The reason I'm asking these questions is that people may have got the wrong impression. You say everyone at college has eachother's number "just in case" not particularly for social/ friendship reasons and with a big birthday like an 18th or 21st many people send a message to all their facebook friends/every contact in their phonebook whether they know them well or not. So if you sent a general text saying "hey everyone, im having birthday drinks for my 18th/21st in X pub on...." but don't socialize with them a lot outside college or talk to them about it, and you have their number for mainly non social reasons, they might have thought "well (because of reasons above) she doesn't really want me there, I'd look silly if I just turned up," so I wouldn't take that personally or think that no one likes you.

Your friends and family is a different story. You really need to contact them and find out what the hell happened there! It would want to be a very good excuse.

Lastly, I think everything is hitting you harder because you are still shaken from what happened last week. Just take your time, cry and talk as much as you need to until things start to look up. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP, this was really crappy for you! But maybe I can offer some perspective!

I'm considered popular in college. Two years ago on my birthday, which was just a random age, not a 21st, 50 plus people showed up. It was in the summer, two days after the end of exams, it was a Friday and loads of people had planned to be out anyway.

Last year I'd a birthday party again and 12 people showed up. It was a Thursday, there was some other big party on at the weekend that people were saving themselves for, loads of them were broke etc etc..

I didn't become less popular in the year. Just lots of factors interacted and fewer people showed up. Out of the 50 the first year, there were only ten who I would consider myself friends with, and only two or three that I was very close to. It might just have been an awward night. I've seen it happen SO many times when a gorgeous, popular girl gets completely stood up for her birthday. It's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on the people who swore blind they'd be there.

I make a point of only saying I'm going to something that I AM going to, so I can plan in advance if it's a bit out of town etc, because I know that this kind of thing is so upsetting.

Was it an unpopular venue/band choice? Maybe it wasn't your friends' scene really? Sometimes people just go if they like the bar/club. I've an acquaintance that is a bit of a pain in the ass but has a HUGE, lavish party every year for his birthday and a couple of hundred go. That does NOT mean they're his mates!!

LegacyUser

Hi DigiGal,
First off sorry you've been having such a bad time of it lately.
And second, fair play for putting yourself out there and inviting people! That does take guts.

As been said already, people are selfish and for the most part assholes, and generally more so in their younger immature years.

Now, as you've said it made you realise you can't rely on anyone, but silver lining time - This is actually an amazing lesson to learn. There is one person who you can always ALWAYS rely on and thats you! So now its time to take care of yourself now!

Chin up start into that college work and take your mind off things! Don't let these people affect you anymore than they already have! Don't let them have that power over you!

I wouldn't fall out with them either, personally I wouldn't even let them think it bothered me. I would make a laugh out of it " yeah, haha I couldn't even organise a pissup in a brewery! haha" "yeah, turn out wasn't great but bf was there and the band was good, so good craic in all" etc

Maybe next time just say something like "theres blahblah band playing at blahs, thinking of heading there for a few drinks with bf, if you're around call in, should be a good night" let people get in touch with you, if they really want to go they'll let you know. make plans you're happy enough with yourself - hanging with the bf listening to the band- if other people show up -cool, if not - well still cool! Make it a bit more casual.

I wouldn't rely on these people to piss on you if you were on fire, and while you shouldn't fall out with them I would keep them at arms length. They certainly don't sound like great friends to have.

Toes

C'mere i wouldnt worry bout it. You said you have your oh and 2 best friends. The people that didnt show up arent really your friends and your better off not worrying bout them!

I know it must feel bad bout it but you'll get over it and feel better bout having your 2 close friends and your oh. All the best!

DigiGal

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

just a quick post here digi gal, haven't read through all posts.

you need new friends, seriously. you have to be hangin round with the wrong people.

and to be turned away from a party, what is this, a feckin american frat party?

you come across as a lovely person, and this is an awful thing that has happened to you. please try to make new friends, not for the sake of having friends but someone who is like minded and kind and wants to give something to a friendship.

the fact that your two "best friends" didn't show up is setting off alarm bells for me. they are not best friends, they would have at least made you aware if they weren't going to come to the party.

people are complete bastards.

please try your best to pull yourself together and get out there. don't let the actions of these complete twats keep you down, they sound like the kind of people who would enjoy watching you suffer.

In fairness to one of my best friends he had an awards ceremony for his college boat club which is very important to him and he did let me know he wasn't coming the night before.
The other well I don't know what the story was there

dellas1979

hi digi,
if I remember correctly you had a post a few months ago saying that you were finding it hard to make friends at college...maybe it is them, not you or a variety of both.

I was in a college course with 43 girls (lots of bitching) and 2 fellas for 4 years and I can categorically state that I did not get on with one of them, honest - not one of them, and I am not in contact with any of them. I am not a gossiper either/that stuff doesnt interest me...I did my own thing and it has stood to me to this day.

I have friends, but they are people I can rely on. I have no time at all for people who have no interest in me - why would I be "friends" with people I have nothing in common with? I suppose in a nutshell, I am older (and maybe a little wiser) but you need to make better, genuine friends and drop the people you think are friends. You might meet one/two/three genuine friends in life, but they are worth more than "acquaintance" friends. I could go on a night out and meet 10 people i know and have the craic with them, but they are not friends.

You may not make genuine/good friends tomorrow or next week, but it will happen - just keep your eyes open. A really really really good friend of mine I met her 3 years ago though work (shes since left)...everyone else at work thought she was a little odd/old fashioned/sniggered at her etc but to me she was/is one of most genuine, interesting people Ive ever met and we stayed in contact and are now hoping to go on hols together in the summer. That is one example of making a good friend...Ive also lost people I thought were "good" or "best" friends. One of my oldest friends (15+ years) we fell out because i asked her to my party (a gathering of my close friends) and she said yes, then didnt bother her arse to text/show up. I always made a huge effort with her (engagement, wedding abroad/bridesmaid/baby etc) so I decided that she had become a crap friend and cut her out. Simple as. I am not mourning her loss. I am a flaker of a friend to those who respect me, so it is their loss.

DigiGal

spinandscribble wrote: »

When you say you make a point over not talking about people is it possible you insulted people? Maybe rubbed your dislike of their behaviour in their face?

I'm not saying its right to talk behind peoples backs but sometimes tact is needed when dealing with immature people, they're twice as likely to take offense to things imho. You have to get along with them as they're in your class but at the same time you shouldn't change.
TBH you should treat these people as classmates and not friends because if you don't hang around with them they're not your friends.
As far as that person saying noone turned up, first of all A-HOLE, but besides that, it does seem they were aware noone went, which means the class may have discussed it among themselves.

If i was you, if there was anyone sound in the group who may be in with everyone but would talk to you, just ask them do they know why noone came? Maybe, there's a reason. Its sortof unlikely everyone in the group are insensitive, its funny that noone txted you to say they wouldn't be going.

The party that you were turned away from, was it a party of someone in this group?

I'm not sure how not bitching about people could insult them, i think you have me wrong.


Like I said... I dont talk about people, if they have short comings or there is something they do I dont like, I keep it to myself or tell my OH, I am not a bitchy person, it causes hassle and drama. If they all talked about not going collectively well tbh thats a nasty horrible thing to do and I'm pretty sure i NEVER did anything to warrant that behaviour. I have never insulted any of these people to their face or otherwise.

DigiGal

Hey guys thanks for the advice

Just to answer some collective qs

I did text them aswell as fb, and spoke about it with the college ppl, I left little post-its in their studio space 3 days before it.

It was my 19th Bday

I'm almost 100% that i didnt do anything to alienate, annoy insult any of these people but people in my college are very emotional and hard to get on with, not really my kind of ppl but I am really lonely so I spend alot of time with them anyway.

Yes a good few of the ppl going knew each other

dellas1979

Digigal,
you are slightly annoying me now...in an indirect way. If you dont even like these people, why are you hanging out with them, when time spent with them could be used to make genuine friends?
I know you are lonely, but you are going to be in the same circle over and over, relive the same mistakes of hanging out with these people over and over and all for what?
Youll be forever lonely unless you drop this crowd digigal. Do you understand what Im saying?
Sounds like you are so so desperate to be part of a group that you are affecting your own dignity and self-esteem in order to do this. Its self-destructive. Be nice to your college crew, go make friends somewhere else, do your own thing - be self-assured that you are a good person and that you will make good friends who respect you.

DigiGal

BirdieNumNums wrote: »

Digigal,
you are slightly annoying me now...in an indirect way. If you dont even like these people, why are you hanging out with them, when time spent with them could be used to make genuine friends?
I know you are lonely, but you are going to be in the same circle over and over, relive the same mistakes of hanging out with these people over and over and all for what?
Youll be forever lonely unless you drop this crowd digigal. Do you understand what Im saying?
Sounds like you are so so desperate to be part of a group that you are affecting your own dignity and self-esteem in order to do this. Its self-destructive. Be nice to your college crew, go make friends somewhere else, do your own thing - be self-assured that you are a good person and that you will make good friends who respect you.

Its just because I was never very good at making friends, I was slightly confident in 5th and 6th year and was starting to get a good few friends in school until I was sacked from my dream job in a clothes shop in temple bar because the staff didn't like me, they ignored me when i saw them outside work and made a laughing stock of me.

Since then ive gone back to being shy and uncomfortable and have been having alot of trouble

Everyone was telling me college would be some sort of social awakening and now i see pics of people who in school were desperately unpopular now having piles of friends in collegeI feel like the only one who isnt well liked

It just gets really hard staying in every friday and Sat night...I feel like such a social retard
I just want some mates to go clubbing with, have them over to mine for beers etc not a lifelong commitment or anyhing

LegacyUser

hi,i sympathise with you alot as i have been in them same situations over and over again,i dread my birthdays as usually something eventful usually happens and no one ever shows up or people just forget it,what i learned is human nature can be cruel sometimes,i have my saying but "those who you dont matter to,you dont matter to them",so take your pride and raise a smile,there still loads of people in world to meet,i know this isnt a great moment in life,but pick up the pieces and try again..

silvervixen84

Maybe you could go to one of the Boards Beers? A few of the popular forums organise regular ones, and they are nearly always in Dublin. I'm sure loads of boardsies who don't know each other outside the realm of the internet turn up for these things and end up getting on great. There's a common interest there and everyone is on even keel.

If I lived in Dublin I'd definitely be going to Boards Beers, they sound like a great laugh and an extension of the online community, and the boardies seem to be a good bunch if it's new friends without commitment that you're looking for.

WesternNight

First of all, it's really bad form that no-one showed up. They don't sound like people I'd want around. And it doesn't sound like they're people you want around either.

I think the best thing you can do now is to stop trying to be their friend and just focus on your college work. They've shown they're not worth it.

I can understand the desire to make as many friends as possible. When I started college in September my priority was the course and the work with a slightly lesser priority of getting to know people. Not making friends, as such, because there's no guarantee you'll make friends with anyone in college. But I was open to talking to whoever was willing to talk to me. I used to talk to about 7ish people regularly at the very beginning of the year. All from one of my smaller classes. Since then groups have formed and I would consider one of those a friend (in the beginning stages of friendship, anyway). Of the others I thought I'd gotten on really well with two more...but once I got to know them a bit I knew that they weren't my kind of people. So we'll probably just stay acquaintances. Since then I've gotten to know a few more people, and no doubt I'll be getting to know new people until I graduate.

Personally, I'd rather have one or two close friends than 40 acquaintances. Just because this group of people has no potential for friendship doesn't mean you'll never make friends in college, or wherever. Don't just settle for anyone to be friends with. And also - don't organise things via facebook. It's evil. Seriously.

spinandscribble

DigiGal wrote: »

I'm not sure how not bitching about people could insult them, i think you have me wrong.


Like I said... I dont talk about people, if they have short comings or there is something they do I dont like, I keep it to myself or tell my OH, I am not a bitchy person, it causes hassle and drama. If they all talked about not going collectively well tbh thats a nasty horrible thing to do and I'm pretty sure i NEVER did anything to warrant that behaviour. I have never insulted any of these people to their face or otherwise.

I'm not saying you should sink to their level.

just when you said you didn't join them in their bitchery and made that CLEAR, i wondered how it went down.

"omg digigal, did you see what x is wearing?"

2 responses could have been

A "well, i don't know, don't notice that sort of thing, nice girl though"

B "i don't bitch about people, neither should you"

Now if it was B it might look like holier then thouness, even if you're perfectly in your right to say it. I realised a few years back theres times to call people on their ways and times to take a back sit, pick your battles and all that. Its sad but true.

Now i agree with what you said, if they were discussing not going ect thats an extreme level of pettiness going down but if it was me, i'd wanna get to the bottom of it by having a quiet word with a alright person in the class then risk bothering my arse trying to befriend people like that.

At the end of all this it might just be something as simple as since you're not really gelling with them, noone really felt like going to a girls birthday they barely knew (nothing wrong with that), monday morning someone asked another did they go, they realise none did, bitchy boy over hears and decides to taunt you and your other best friend had a genuine reason for not going that they were unable to tell you as of yet. Throw in 21st century lack of manners not to let you know and TA-DA you got the situation you're in.

I do think you need to get to the bottom of it for your self esteem, peace of mind starting with your AWOL best friend.

edit: by the way I meant no offence digigal by poking you deeper with questions about your reaction to their nonsense but i just can't get my head around not ONE of them showing up or not letting you know. So i was just trying to read between the lines to think of stuff you might not have considered before. hope you get a string of good luck xxx

spinandscribble

DigiGal wrote: »

Its just because I was never very good at making friends, I was slightly confident in 5th and 6th year and was starting to get a good few friends in school until I was sacked from my dream job in a clothes shop in temple bar because the staff didn't like me, they ignored me when i saw them outside work and made a laughing stock of me.

Since then ive gone back to being shy and uncomfortable and have been having alot of trouble

Everyone was telling me college would be some sort of social awakening and now i see pics of people who in school were desperately unpopular now having piles of friends in collegeI feel like the only one who isnt well liked

It just gets really hard staying in every friday and Sat night...I feel like such a social retard
I just want some mates to go clubbing with, have them over to mine for beers etc not a lifelong commitment or anyhing

this made me sad. Hey if i end up going to your college next year i wanna hit you up an get some beers. you definitely need to make some friends outside of college i think. Could you join a club or sport? typical suggestion i know (o.o)

Fiii

I have to say, you sound a lot like me.
I have the confidence level of a dung beetle, and I don't mean to be harsh, but it sounds like you are in the same boat.
I used to be (and still am to a certain extent) painfully shy around new people, and especially large groups of new people. It takes me a while to warm up and be myself around people, but once I do, you'll have a friend for life
I also read into other peoples behavior too much. If I was in a shop and I saw two girls glance my way and laugh, I presumed they were laughing at me. If I was walking in a street full of people and I heard the word 'minger' or 'fatty', I presumed it was me they were talking about. Now let's be honest, chances are it wasn't me at all they were talking about, and those girls could well be laughing at some ugly garment above my head, but that wouldn't cross my mind. Why? Because MY confidence was so low that I presume everyone else thinks just a badly of me, if not worse.

Now I cannot judge on what happened in your job, but maybe it wasn't all about people not liking you, maybe it was just the management were crappy people and let you go in a very unprofessional way.
(If it is the certain shop in temple bar that I am thinking about, most of them are up their own butts anyway - you're well shot )
And maybe your birthday just fell on an awkward day for people. A lot of people are broke these days, or tired from working bad hours in a job they dislike just to keep a roof over their heads. On the other hand, some people are lazy.
Yes, it was shady not to let you know they weren't coming, but I'm sure your true friends did, right?

I had a birthday not too long ago, and not many people showed up. It really upset me at the time, but I had to take a step back and realise that people have their own lives, their own worries, their own things to be dealing with. I'm sure if they could have they would have come along, but they couldn't. When you get a little bit older, you realise that birthdays aren't really all that important.
They way I look at it now, is it's like Valentines Day - why does it have to be that specific day that my friends have to show they care? I would much prefer that they showed it in other ways throughout the year when I needed them, rather then on a random night out drinking.
Your friends, your true friends will be there for you when you need them, and that's all that really matters.

As for building up your confidence, can I suggest maybe taking up a class in something you enjoy? Sport, art, language...anything really. There you would find friends that are into the same things you are. It's easier to get along with people when you don't have to force conversation.
(I know you are doing art in college, and it's sad that you haven't found good friends there, but you might have better luck elsewhere).

Hope it all works out for you OP. You need to keep your head up - it's way too easy to just lie down, give up and think 'oh woe is me'. Pick that chin up and fight. You only get one life...make the most of it.

F

p.s a handful of amazing friends beat tens of sudo friends anyday!

BostonB

What you want in friends is quality not quanity. You might go years before meeting people you click with it. Many people are happy to think of the people they know as friends but they aren't really. That said theres no harm in trying to make friends with people but if it doesn't work out, that happens too. NCAD is a small college of people trying to be different, and a few who genuinely are. Its not the party zone some other colleges are. Partly because is small, and party because a lot of people live at home, as theres a lot of Dubs. So they have their own mates at home, still. Its quite different in the bigger colleges, or when you live away from home.

dellas1979

Etre pour autri
Etre por soi-meme

Be/live for others
Be/live for yourself

At the moment you seem to be "etre pour autri" which is, generally, a person who is terribly weak and doesnt like themselves. The problem with "living for others" is that 10/10 times, people being people, they will let you down - its a human condition. If you live for yourself, you gain self confidence, be proud of who you are - its a very attractive trait in a person to be able to stand up for yourself (doesnt have to be in a bolshy in your face way-quietly confident is even better) and project a "I dont give a flying feck what you think of me/my life because I am happy with who I am - I dont need you (or group) to "verify" that I am a nice person".

You really need to look in different places to make new friends.

That 'I heard nobody showed up' comment rang alarm bells for me. How on earth would they know nobody showed up? Even if several people had mentioned they hadn't made it, they weren't to know you hadn't invited loads of other people they didn't know who did show up. Sounds a lot like there could have been a plan among the college people not to show up or something like that. Either way, these people are not your friends.

tenchi-fan

[quote=[Deleted User];64795598]That 'I heard nobody showed up' comment rang alarm bells for me. How on earth would they know nobody showed up? Even if several people had mentioned they hadn't made it, they weren't to know you hadn't invited loads of other people they didn't know who did show up. Sounds a lot like there could have been a plan among the college people not to show up or something like that. Either way, these people are not your friends.[/QUOTE]

I'd agree with this too. You could just imagine the comments "who does she think she is, booking tables for a 19th birthday"... also when people have boyfriends/girlfriends they can sometimes rouse jealousy within groups.

I think you're making a mistake that I made in the past... with few exceptions you should not consider *groups* of people your best friends e.g. a group of classmates or workmates.

I'm reminded of this when one person doesn't go for lunch in the canteen at work and they become the topic of discussion.

LegacyUser

Hey digigal,sorry to hear about your birthday and people doing that on you.
Happy belated birthday
I would say this to you.Growing up i had loads of friends loads and loads of them.But not a single one i could honestly say were loyal friends.They never once even bought me a birthday card and i was friends with them from age 11 to 25.I got rid of them eventually and moved on in life. In my whole life my family have never ever got me a birthday cake growing up as a young child.So i can honestly feel for you.With the friends not showing up it shows not in slightest bit your friends and i would wash my hands of them.Later on i found three great friends i cherish and we stick with each other.People are selfish and inconsiderate and you can see you OH is your one true best friend.The rest of them not worth it.I know you from your posts and you are a lovely girl,Dont even letting them not turn up upset you or reflect on you but if you are angry i would ask the ones who are closest to you why? Your family i would be livid they didnt even tell you not coming and i would tell them how hurtful that was.Are you a somewhat quiet person because i find as i am some people do not like quiet people and also girls might be jealous of you cause you are genuine and they are not.
Again very happy belated birthday and cherish the ones who did think of your feelings and birthday.Remember not all acquaintances are friends

ash23

You said it was a band your OH knows?
Was it mainstream stuff or quite a specific genre?

I ask because I would happily go along to something fairly mainstream. But if I had a friend who was into a certain type of music or venue (dance for eg) I might initially say I was going and then decide not to when I found out where it was.

I'm sort of an indie girl at heart but if I were arranging a birthday bash I would go generic and pop culture for it as it ensures an overall enjoyment of the night because my mates aren't indie. I tend to skip bashes that aren't really my scene.

KnocKnocKnock

I think some of the responses, while well intentioned, are not very helpful.. If someone who admits they don't have much confidence wants advice, is calling them weak and dicussing what everyone was hypothetically said behind their back like "who does she think she is", really the way to go about it?

DigiGal I think I can empathize with your situation. You hang around with people and sometimes feel left out, but other times, it's good with them, you feel included and get on well with them, so you decide to keep going with it. You are trying to hang around with people in your class in order to combat lonliness and awkwardness. This doesn't mean you are "living for other people" and it doesn't make you weak, this is a natural wish to have. Also don't try to imagine what exactly people were saying, that really doesn't matter.

It's all very well and good saying "be your own person, just stop caring what others think" but that easier said than done! It takes a long time. In fact, I think it's pretty rare to find someone who doesn't care at all what anyone else thinks.

My advice would be to concentrate on things you are good at in order to build your confidence? Are you artistic for example? If so you could start new art projects or creative writing. This will distract you and make you feel good about yourself, and I know it's a bit of a cliche, but I would travel as much as you can. That really helped my confidence anyway because you overcome obsticles alone, you become more independant
and discover just how much you can do when you have to.

dellas1979

Knockknock you advice isnt that great either...

This isnt the first time she has been here on PI with the same problem. I didnt make up what I said, it is a way of living/movement by JP Sartre called existentialism. Living for others, which is what she is doing, is ruining her self-esteem and confidence and she still hasnt done anything about it.

In a months time she'll have the same problem again with these people...few weeks later the same, and so on so on.

Her pride is very hurt, her self-esteem zero and her self-confidence nothing. Im not going to come on here and say "oh its those people...." maybe she doesnt like them, maybe they dont like her, who actually knows, what I am offering is a way for her to cope if she doesnt get accepted in to this gang of people that she so desperately wants to join.