Am I a bad friend ?

Rosso

Hi! I am in a bit of a situation with a friend on mine.

I have just left Ireland for good about 6 months ago and made the move to Australia. So far I am loving it, having a great time and made many friends. One of the friends I made is a gay man who works at the same place as I do. (I'm a straight guy by the way)

Anyway, we became friends over the past 2 months. He told me that he is gay earlier on, but I said that it wouldn't be an issue for me at all. Basically he came out of the closet about a year ago, and since then, and probably because of that, his circle of friends have shrank immensely. He was rebuffed by another man he kinda like for ages earlier this year and have since been very miserable, heart broken and lonely. We still hang out though, as I believe that he is a genuinely good guy and have always been kind to me.


Anyway a few weeks ago he confessed that he liked me. I was a bit surprised, as I told him that I wasn't gay before, and I always thought that our relationship was purely just friendship. However, he did'nt believe that I was straight. He said I was too nice to him to be straight (dont see the logic in that) and that the fact that I made him feel comfortable around me and not minding him being his gay self means that I too, must have a similiar attraction for men. I assured him that I am not gay and at the beginning, he seemed to have accepted it but a few days later, I got a msg from basically saying that he is sorry for asking me out and it isn't fair for me to 'come out of the closet' because of him and that he is prepared to give me time to come out.

Again I had to explain to him that I am not gay and only after a LONG chat that he seems to accept that....only to ask me out again a few days later. That was followed by an even LONGER chat and this time he seems to resign to the fact that I am at least not interested in him (though I gotta feeling that he still strongly believes that I am gay)

Anyway, that didn't really stop me from hanging out with him. He is actually a nice person, but he is just so lonely, miserable and still heart broken. Sometimes that I feel that I am his only real friend in the world.

My real problem with him is over the past few weeks, he just seems to want to hang out ever other day! When I turn him down, he would say things like that he would understand if I wont want to be around him, or that I am just avoiding him because he asked me out. Also when I told him of my plans to return to Europe for a cpl of weeks to see some friends and for a short holiday, he practically plead and begged for me to let him come along and when I said that I prefered to travel alone, he got really angry and accused me of being ignorant (though he apologised after that and accepted my decision).

I have to honestly say I feel smothered and weight down by his constant request for companionship. I find it difficult having to turn him down so many times each week. When I go shopping, or for poker at the weekend with some friends, he wants to come along, and beg me to let him (even though he don't play poker), telling me how miserable and lonely he is. I dont want to hurt his feelings. I dont think he has many close friends as it is already, and he has always been very kind to me, especially since I am new to the city.

I dont want to entirely lose his friendship, but I feel that we have to 'scale it down' a little bit. Anybody got any idea whats the best way to tell him that I need more time for myself and my life as well? Thanks

iguana

I'm sorry but this man doesn't want your friendship right now, he has unrequited feelings for you and desperately hoping that you will have a romantic relationship. It's not doing him any good for you to be so available to him as it gives him false hope. I know it might seem cruel when he is so lonely but the best thing to do would be to see less of him for a while and avoid any "intimate" meetings.

tenchi-fan

have you ever been crazy about a girl even though she just wanted to be friends? or a girl chasing after you even though you're not interested in the slightest. same thing i suppose, and those things never end well.

if the guy fancies you you're just going to have to avoid him for a bit until he stops feeling that way which could be a long time or it might just be like that until he finds a boyfriend. The fact he's convinced you're gay is just wishful thinking.

Cheap Thrills!

He sounds like a Bunny Boiler OP.

I think he can see you are afraid of offending him and he is taking advantage of that.

unreggd

I think his actions are a big reason he has no mates

Where does he think he got the right to tell you you're gay?

If you blatantly tell someone, nice and respectively, I'm not gay and I dont have any feelings for you, and they still persist, they have a serious attitude problem

It then puts you in a crap situation, because you like the person as a mate, but its always gonna be there lying dormant
[I dont think a person like this would get over you pretty much ever as long as they're single]

I say email him your OP

It sums up how you feel, and how he's making you feel, and making himself come across

Pauly288

I think you have been too good of a friend to this guy and he's totally taking advantage of your good nature. I know its difficult but i think you need to politely but firmly create some distance from him. He is manipulating you into feeling guilty and its working.

Tough situation but its not good to continue things the way they are

LegacyUser

OP did this guy ever have any friends? Is it possible that hes very lonely rather than fancying you. Has he got any family?

kjl

eh, i think you would know if you were gay. this guy doesn't sound like a friend at all, sounds to me like he is trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.

My advice is cut all ties and forget about him