So hurt by this!

whatdoicare

I'm at the end of planning my wedding at the minute and am at the stage where RSVPs are coming back to me.
Today I met a friend who I had given an invite to and was telling her how exciting it is to get the rsvps through the letterbox nearly every morning when she turned to me and said "look, don't be waiting for mine coz I have no idea where it is!"

I was absolutely gobsmacked! I spent a good two months making those invites, spent a heap making sure the rsvp card was stamped so as not to add to anyones expenses and I went to a hell of a lot of trouble making sure she had a place on the invite list- bottom line, I went to alot of trouble and for her to just "lose" the invite seems to me to be very disrespectful.

I got over the shock and explained that she could make a new one /buy/steal/use her mothers and give it to me (just so that I'd have something when I'm counting numbers in case I forget her)
and she turns to me and says- "just draw my name on the back of something- whatever"

I was just so hurt about her attitude! I flat out refused and told her if no rsvp arrives from her by such a date someone else who wants to be there gets her place instead. She half jokingly made a comment along the lines that she'd come along anyway, which felt like she was serious.

I'm just in shock about it and am so very hurt! Should I keep hassling her for the rsvp, replace her when the deadline for rsvp comes along or just let it go??



EDIT: It's not about the wedding or the RSVP card- I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE WEDDING- it's about her attitude towards the whole situation! She passed no apology and just really didn't care at all! This is my personal issue- NOT THE RSVP. I dunno how else I can explain it.

Blisterman

I don't think your friend knew how much these meant to you.

To be honest, the idea of expecting people to RSVP by post seems a little odd in this day and age.

Isn't the point to let you know she's coming? And she did. I don't see the problem.

petethebrick

Mountain......molehill
Seriously, as long as she let you know that shes attending then whats the big deal? It's not like the RSVP is an important official document or anything. People lose them all the time and then simply call or text to confirm that they're attending.

LegacyUser

To be honest I know a lot of work went into it and she is being disrespectful, but is it really worth an argument over? If she's a friend and verbally says she'll be there just take it as her RSVP, it would be a shame to fall out with her over an RSVP and you will look like the bad guy or bridezilla as you put it.

Cheap Thrills!

Ehm, its hard to know how to tell you this but I think you have totally lost perspective here.

I know the wedding and the invites etc are your world at the moment but well, they aren't everyone elses.

Now even though I am not into weddings myself I have always answered promptly to the RSVP, turned up at the wedding, dressed appropriately with the gift and oo-ed and ahhh-ed at everything I saw, as that is what I believe is the polite and nice thing to do.

But by God how my heart used to sink getting invitations through the door. There are two types of people in the world, those who are into weddings and those who aren't.

I think those who aren't have to spend so much money and fake so much enthusuiasm over the years it is an effort and it does get wearing, At the end of the day as well these efforts are mostly taken for granted too.

Now, maybe your friend is despressed, maybe she is pig sick of weddings (yes, yes I know, yours will be different and unique!) when she hasn't a brass farthing to rub together or whatever.

I think what I am trying to say here is that try to relax and not to allow it to blow up in your head. She has stated she is coming, its bog standard for brides to have to chase people for even a VERBAL agreement so don't peak early and stress the small stuff of you will be a bag of cats by the time the day itself comes.

Lollipops23

Ok,much as I know how big and complicated wedding planning can be,but it's a piece of paper!
She clearly wants to go, and share your day with you,shouldn't that be enough?
A little perspective may be in order here.

Herbal Deity

Dear God, it's a piece of paper. Grow up.

whatdoicare

It's not really about the piece of paper guys, it's more about her attitude to it.
Like "meh, couldn't be bothered to even say sorry"
It just hurts that she thinks so little of me.
If it was me, I'd have given a thank you card and written my rsvp on it.

I'd have accepted anything really to be honest but not the attitude I got back.:(

whatdoicare

sunflower27 wrote: »

Feel free to shoot me down, but I think it's more the way it was said that is the problem. It was said in a way that implied the friend wasn't bothered about the invite and the 'whatever' comment is a little bit nasty.

I do understand the hurt and would be upset if a friend I was close to spoke to me in such a 'couldnt give a toss' way. Ultimately though, Id' let her off. She may have just been having a bad day and you got her at a bad moment.

Thank you- at least one person understands!

Sleepy

Try to remember that your wedding isn't the same focus for anyone else as it is for you right now (probably not even your fiancé tbh). Your friends will be thinking of it as 'a good day out' in a few weeks/months and are no doubt happy for you but they don't feel any of the excitement you do about it.

stephen_n

whatdoicare wrote: »

It's not really about the piece of paper guys, it's more about her attitude to it.
Like "meh, couldn't be bothered to even say sorry"
It just hurts that she thinks so little of me.
If it was me, I'd have given a thank you card and written my rsvp on it.

I'd have accepted anything really to be honest but not the attitude I got back.:(

Your assuming again that she knows she had something to say sorry for, obviously it means a hell of a lot more to you than it did to her and your going straight from A-Z in assuming the she thinks little of you because of that!

whatdoicare

Sleepy wrote: »

Try to remember that your wedding isn't the same focus for anyone else as it is for you right now (probably not even your fiancé tbh). Your friends will be thinking of it as 'a good day out' in a few weeks/months and are no doubt happy for you but they don't feel any of the excitement you do about it.

I wish I hadn't wrote the word wedding now, everyone seems to think I'm upset about that part. I'm not that kind of girl, I don't blather on about weddings all day etc etc
What I'm upset about, is the girl just gave me this attitude, like this is a waste of my time kind of attitude, I'm too important to do even the smallest gesture to make sure you know I'm part of the team, I'd be just as upset if it was ,i dunno, a club opening or a day out in the park!
That's what's upset me.

LegacyUser

So, OP, whats going on in your friends life at the moment?
Did you even think to ask?

You say you met her and began describing your exitement at the RSVP's coming in the door. She admitted she'd lost hers but was coming. You insisted she make/steal/buy one and give it to you in case you forget her. She said to write her name on something, you flat out refused.

You are behaving like a total PrimaDonna.

It sounds like your friend was irriated by you forcing her to go through such a farce.

Just wondering are you gushing non stop about the wedding and nothing else...?

Did you ask your friend how are things in her world lately?

lazygal

Its women like the OP which make my blood boil. Seriously, lots of my friends have gotten married over the past couple of years and only one was like the OP. Totally dramatic, every detail had to be discussed with us all and never thought to ask how any of us were getting on.
During the time she was wedding-centric my Dad had cancer twice and my granfather died, as well as my sister being told she had stage 4 cancer which turned out to be a misdiagnosis, the other brides could not have been nicer but the bridezilla seemed to think that anything which did not relate directly to her wedding just wasn't important.
I hope you never have a real crisis OP, because if this is what you post regarding what is worrying or troubling you, you won't be able to handle a real-world problem.

Kimia

Lazygal that is horrifically harsh. You are really jumping to conclusions there - I think there's a bit of a difference between ignoring someone's cancer diagnosis and being upset that their friend doesn't give a shi&te about returning an RSVP.

OP perhaps you are overreacting just a tad, but I totally see where you're coming from. It's the most important day of your life and she's dismissing it. If she's your friend I'm assuming she's a nice person, so maybe she doesn't mean it, she just doesn't understand the importance of it to you.

I wouldn't be overly sentimental either and perhaps could be guilty of saying something similar if presented with a similar situation. But it would horrify me to hear if my unsentimental attitude upset my friend - because it's not personal ya know?

Give her the benefit of the doubt, and chase her on it. If she keeps on with this - say to her - look I understand you're not into all this lovely dovey wedding stuff but it means a lot to me so please take my feelings into account on this. And if she's a friend she will make the effort, just as you're making the effort to give her the benefit of the doubt.

whatdoicare

dont blame her wrote: »

So, OP, whats going on in your friends life at the moment?
Did you even think to ask?

Yes, in fact I do ask her all the time how things are going, unlike what you think, I didn't just leap into wedding talk and I very rarely speak of my wedding. Like I said before, I'm not that kind of girl.
Another friend who was there asked ME how wedding was going.

AnonoBoy

It seems like a big deal but it really isn't.

Sure she was tactless and a bit flippant abotu something which is obviously very exciting for you. However, she is going to be there, isn't she? Isn't that the most important thing?

whatdoicare

Kimia wrote: »

OP perhaps you are overreacting just a tad, but I totally see where you're coming from. It's the most important day of your life and she's dismissing it. If she's your friend I'm assuming she's a nice person, so maybe she doesn't mean it, she just doesn't understand the importance of it to you.

I

Like said before, it's not about the wedding- if she'd just said something like "oh, jeez I lost the rsvp, I'm so sorry, but look I'm totally coming to it." I would'nt have given it a second thought, it was just the way she said it to me.

I'm usually very easy going and it's very hard to upset me about stuff but it's like a respect thing, it's so hard to describe why it just hurt me but it did.

LegacyUser

whatdoicare wrote: »

Yes, in fact I do ask her all the time how things are going, unlike what you think, I didn't just leap into wedding talk and I very rarely speak of my wedding. Like I said before, I'm not that kind of girl.
Another friend who was there asked ME how wedding was going.

Re, Whats going on in her life.....what did she say in reply OP, out of curiousity?

I must have been to 50 weddings in my life and showered money and attention on the people involved.

When I met my life partner not one of them opened a conversation about us being a couple. Nobody congratulated us. Nobody showed a blind bit of interest. I don't feel bitter or resentful about it but if I had to do it all again I wouldn't waste so much time and effort going to weddings.

I think the narcissism of the event takes over the people and they forget that the world doesn't stop for their wedding.

j1974

whatdoicare wrote: »

I'm at the end of planning my wedding at the minute and am at the stage where RSVPs are coming back to me.
Today I met a friend who I had given an invite to and was telling her how exciting it is to get the rsvps through the letterbox nearly every morning when she turned to me and said "look, don't be waiting for mine coz I have no idea where it is!"

I was absolutely gobsmacked! I spent a good two months making those invites, spent a heap making sure the rsvp card was stamped so as not to add to anyones expenses and I went to a hell of a lot of trouble making sure she had a place on the invite list- bottom line, I went to alot of trouble and for her to just "lose" the invite seems to me to be very disrespectful.

I got over the shock and explained that she could make a new one /buy/steal/use her mothers and give it to me (just so that I'd have something when I'm counting numbers in case I forget her)
and she turns to me and says- "just draw my name on the back of something- whatever"

I was just so hurt about her attitude! I flat out refused and told her if no rsvp arrives from her by such a date someone else who wants to be there gets her place instead. She half jokingly made a comment along the lines that she'd come along anyway, which felt like she was serious.

I'm just in shock about it and am so very hurt! Should I keep hassling her for the rsvp, replace her when the deadline for rsvp comes along or just let it go??


Sorry for long rant, feel like a bridezilla now.

sorry for my honesty here, but you start the story by describing this person as your friend, correct. Friends are people we like, despite their bad points. Get over yourself, so she's a clutz, or misplaced your invite, and you're sssooooo hurt!!! give over, you should be glad people can afford to turn up in todays economy. I went to two friends weddings this year and both cost a grand easily ( gifts, drinks, suit B&B etc), I could have flown to barbados with my girfriend all inclusive, Via tropical places ( if youre interested ) for that amount.

I think your pre wedding jitters are forcing you to over react here. If she's a real mate you can speak top her by saying " Here Biatch, I have a plate booked for you, you coming or what" Biatch being a term of endearment for girlfriends nowdays!! If she cant answer then just say ok, well see ya at the afters,why cant girls be like lads sometimes. She's your friend remember. and dont go givin me the MONEY arguement, the subject quite frankly doesnt warrant further discussion.

Hrududu

I do get that this is important but I honestly don't see why you couldn't write her name on something like she asked. You know she's coming. Is this really something you want to fall out over?

whatdoicare

AnonoBoy wrote: »

However, she is going to be there, isn't she? Isn't that the most important thing?

Well, that's it isn't it- I'm sure she is going to be there but I'm second guessing myself about if she actually wants to be there in the first place. I don't want people just going for the sake of it, knowing full well that people that really wanted to be there are waiting for the afters.
I'd rather she just came up to me and said "look, I'm over weddings, can I skip this one?" than just give me attitude about it and then have a face on them all day. I want people to have fun.

whatdoicare

Hrududu wrote: »

I do get that this is important but I honestly don't see why you couldn't write her name on something like she asked. You know she's coming. Is this really something you want to fall out over?

It's about respect. It's not alot to ask for.

whatdoicare

j1974 wrote: »

sorry for my honesty here, but you start the story by describing this person as your friend, correct. Friends are people we like, despite their bad points. Get over yourself, so she's a clutz, or misplaced your invite, and you're sssooooo hurt!!! give over, you should be glad people can afford to turn up in todays economy. I went to two friends weddings this year and both cost a grand easily ( gifts, drinks, suit B&B etc), I could have flown to barbados with my girfriend all inclusive, Via tropical places ( if youre interested ) for that amount.

My wedding is local, on a Saturday, late in the afternoon, I'm providing transport and all food and most drink, I never asked for anyone to buy new clothes and I don't expect a gift. It's costing her nothing to come.

I think your pre wedding jitters are forcing you to over react here. If she's a real mate you can speak top her by saying " Here Biatch, I have a plate booked for you, you coming or what" Biatch being a term of endearment for girlfriends nowdays!! If she cant answer then just say ok, well see ya at the afters,why cant girls be like lads sometimes. She's your friend remember. and dont go givin me the MONEY arguement, the subject quite frankly doesnt warrant further discussion.

She's not that good a friend that I can say things like that plus I'm dealing with 150 people and you expect me to remember who said what?

John Mason

but she told you she was going - is that not enough?

actually now that i think about we got yet another invite in the post a few weeks ago, i have no idea where it is, we will just text them.

i bloody hate those invite cards, you have to remember to fill them, remember to put them in your bag, remember to post them and then go on a hunt for a postbox


i dont understand why people cant just send an email where you tick the yes / no button - life would be so much easier

whatdoicare

irishbird wrote: »

but she told you she was going - is that not enough?

actually now that i think about we got yet another invite in the post a few weeks ago, i have no idea where it is, we will just text them.

i bloody hate those invite cards, you have to remember to fill them, remember to put them in your bag, remember to post them and then go on a hunt for a postbox


i dont understand why people cant just send an email where you tick the yes / no button - life would be so much easier

I did give the option to reply by text AND email. She couldn't be bothered with that either. Plus not everyone uses computers.

John Mason

whatdoicare wrote: »

I did give the option to reply by text AND email. She couldn't be bothered with that either.

but she told you to your face that she is going so much better then a text message

whats the difference between a text message saying she is going and telling you to your face ?

you are completely over-reacting

iguana

whatdoicare wrote: »

It's not really about the piece of paper guys, it's more about her attitude to it.
Like "meh, couldn't be bothered to even say sorry"
It just hurts that she thinks so little of me.
If it was me, I'd have given a thank you card and written my rsvp on it.

I'd have accepted anything really to be honest but not the attitude I got back.:(

Op, I agree with a lot of what Cheap Thrills said but I think there are actually three types of people when it comes to weddings. Those who love them, those who hate them and those who, like me, really enjoy sharing the important occasion with those they love but who could not be slightly arsed with any of the trappings that come with the wedding.

If someone I love is getting married I am delighted for them, I'll do what I can to help them out and the odds are I'll shed a tear when they exchange vows. But when I get an invite in the door I'll throw it in the bin once I've memorised the details and I'll just tell them I'm coming. Invites and RSVPs don't mean anything to me and it wouldn't really occur to me that they'd mean something to anyone else. As far as I'm concerned they are just a way of communicating details. I just sent everyone an email to my wedding, just a standard email, not even an e-vite, and I assumed that everyone was coming unless I was told otherwise.

I'm not unsentimental, I have a not especially romantic note my husband left for me when we were dating a few weeks and a ticket stub from the movie we went to the night after we moved in together saved in my wallet, which might be the type of thing that others would throw away. My point is that sentimentality is subjective and what will mean the world to you won't mean a jot to someone else and vice versa. We can't really expect others to bend to the type of thing that is deeply personal to us. It doesn't mean you, or your wedding aren't important to her, it just means that she doesn't put value on the trappings.

whatdoicare

irishbird wrote: »

but she told you to your face that she is going so much better then a text message

whats the difference between a text message saying she is going and telling you to your face ?

you are completely over-reacting

Like I said before, it was how she said it. Also, like I said before if she had said "oh jeez, lost the RSVP, so sorry, look though, I'm totally coming" I wouldn't have given it a second thought. It was how she said it, plus, I put a stamp on the flippin rsvp, how hard would it be to throw it in a letter box? It was free!

Co45

Em, Am i the only one who thinks the OP is totally in the wrong here?
The friend stated oh I lost the invite but am coming and then the OP made the bitchy comment "well you better steal a new RSVP invite or else I might forget about you!"
Like what the ****? You know shes coming why do you need her to post back an RSVP? Because they look nice? Are you simply upset that she wasn't in awe of your pretty RSVP and had the audacity to lose it?
Jesus talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

Co45

whatdoicare wrote: »

Like I said before, it was how she said it. Also, like I said before if she had said "oh jeez, lost the RSVP, so sorry, look though, I'm totally coming" I wouldn't have given it a second thought. It was how she said it, plus, I put a stamp on the flippin rsvp, how hard would it be to throw it in a letter box? It was free!

Most people wouldn't get too bothered about losing an RSVP. If I lost one to my friends wedding I wouldnt even apologise just a simple "lost the RSVP but Im going to go just to let you know" would suffice.
So what if you put a stamp on it, she told you shes coming what difference does a piece of paper make?

whatdoicare

iguana wrote: »

. As far as I'm concerned they are just a way of communicating details.

So, communicating details back to them is not on in your books?
It's not about sentimentality, although it's respectful to send back an RSVP, more importantly it makes life easier for the couple arranging things. I hope you remember that next time you get an invite before you throw it in the bin.

The majority of my friends and family do not have e-mail, I'm juggling 150 people plus arranging numbers for buses. I have a whole page of people waiting to know if I got any refusals so they can go instead. I stamped the card, gave an e-mail and a mobile number, what more could I have done? It's just plain disrespectful to not make sure you've properly given an rsvp.

beertons

OP, you probably got her on a bad day. Expect to chase many more people like her re RSVP. They may have misplaced them aswell, and will joke about it. Prepping for a wedding myself, there are a truck load of other things, that will have far greater significance(sp?), to worry about. And have a great day!

whatdoicare

Co45 wrote: »

Em, Am i the only one who thinks the OP is totally in the wrong here?
The friend stated oh I lost the invite but am coming and then the OP made the bitchy comment "well you better steal a new RSVP invite or else I might forget about you!"
Like what the ****? You know shes coming why do you need her to post back an RSVP? Because they look nice? Are you simply upset that she wasn't in awe of your pretty RSVP and had the audacity to lose it?
Jesus talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

You think saying "look, don't be waiting for mine coz I have no idea where it is!"
is a nice way to let me know?

iguana

whatdoicare wrote: »

So, communicating details back to them is not on in your books?
It's not about sentimentality, although it's respectful to send back an RSVP, more importantly it makes life easier for the couple arranging things. I hope you remember that next time you get an invite before you throw it in the bin.

I have organised my own wedding and managed just fine without expecting people to send me RSVPs, in fact I suspect I managed a whole lot easier without them. Like I said I found it easiest to just assume people were coming unless otherwise told and as it happened that's exactly how it worked out. I invited anyone who doesn't email in person or by phone.

Your friend did tell you she was coming, so your upset is absolutely 100% about sentimentality. How is her telling you in person any different than telling you by text or email? Imo you are disrespecting her far more than she is disrespecting you.

whatdoicare

iguana wrote: »

I have organised my own wedding and managed just fine without expecting people to send me RSVPs, in fact I suspect I managed a whole lot easier without them. Like I said I found it easiest to just assume people were coming unless otherwise told and as it happened that's exactly how it worked out. I invited anyone who doesn't email in person or by phone.

Your friend did tell you she was coming, so your upset is absolutely 100% about sentimentality. How is her telling you in person any different than telling you by text or email? Imo you are disrespecting her far more than she is disrespecting you.

I have no idea how many different ways I can say it...not about the rsvp or that she replied verbally, it was 100% about the attitude she had when she said it.
I'm absolutely drained emotionally trying to describe this to everyone here on boards - I just want to tell her to stay home and invite someone else now, that's how I feel about it at this stage.

lazygal

Emotionally drained because you know you are being over-sensitive and people think you're over-reacting?
Hope it stays good for you op and that you never have a real problem to deal with.

liah

OP, honestly, why did you post this here if you refuse to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, not everyone's going to agree that it was all the other girl's fault, and might just fault you?

Don't post here if you think there's a chance someone might disagree with you.

whatdoicare

I'm sorry to everyone that I posted.

Nevyn

Locked OP's request.

whatdoicare I agree she dealt with this in a very casual manner, a lot of people don't get that a wedding cant be a forumal ocassion and fail to take the ques from how things are being done. I can understand your frustration at having gone to such lengths to send out formal invites for her to dismiss rsvping as not being important.

At least she told you face to face she'd be there, wether or not you include her at this stage or not is up to you.