it's a crappy feeling...

rere

Hi, I'm not sure if this should have been out in the personal issues section or here.

Anyway,
I'm Bi but leaning more towards women then men.
I got on really well with a girl a recently, emails every day and consent texting, she was ok with the bi thing but when she found out I hadn't fully been with a woman before she backed off. Her reason was that she didn't want to be used as an experiment by me.
I dont really blame her as I'd hate to be treated that way myself so I can see where she's coming from, but I've been attracted to women since I was old enough to be attracted to anyone.
I'd also gone out with a woman before her (only for about 2 months though) and she wanted to take things slow, so by the time she was ready to take the next step I'd realised we weren't going to work out and that we'd nothing in common. Now it's like I'm being punished for not sleeping with someone I wasn't interested in, just to get it out of the way or something.
Personally, I think it'd have been hurtful to sleep with her knowing that I wanted to end things but now I'm worried that no Gay or Bi women will go out with me.
Has anyone else had a similar experience, any advice would be appreciated.

Also apologies for the long post!

stephen_n

Sounds to me that despite what she said, she wasn't comfortable with you being Bi as an awful lot of women are not. Don't know but I would imagine if it hadn't have been that it would have been something else!

Weidii

I fecking hate bi-phobia. How does it seem ok for gay people to be bi-phobic when they are oh-so-familiar with the ignorance that is homophobia. On my first night out in a gay bar people told me they wouldn't get with a bisexual because they didn't want to be compared to a man, or because we were fickle, or because we were greedy. The list goes on. Needless to say it scared me away from "the scene" pretty much for good. It's like they want us to choose to be straight or gay so we'll be more like them. The worst part about that situation was that the people I went out with were part of an LGBT society.

I find it difficult to comprehend being straight or being gay, as I've never been that way, and I'm sure that's the reason that they find the concept of bisexuality difficult to comprehend. It's simply a matter of tolerance and equal treatment. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it bad. And yeah, of course you're going to hear all the bad stories about bisexuals, but I doubt there's a higher ratio of cheaters among us than gay or straight people.

I'd say try to explain to this person that you really are just getting around to this part of you now for genuine reasons. If she doesn't realise that you are an honest person then she's probably not worth the hassle anyway.

Sorry for the rant, it just really gets to me that we are treated with such ignorance.

rere

Thanks for the replies, I think you're right that she probably wasnt comfortable with my sexuality. I explained myself well enough but without much luck.
Ah well, hopefully there'll be someone that is happy to take me as I am, though it feels less likely now.

edit* I'm a little self pitying tonight but it's a Friday and I'm in on my own with a cold, so it's allowed

Monkey61

I can totally understand somebody who is gay or straight not being mad into the idea of being with someone who is bi. Even though it will probably never be an issue there will always be a "oh I can't compare with the other gender" sort of thing that doesn't come into play between a couple where both people are straight and both are gay.

It isn't so much a bi-phobia but more of an extension of the person's insecurities. I think a possible reason (especially with women) is that a lot of gay girls have probably gone through the whole thing of kissing straight girls who claimed to be bi but were just doing it for a laugh/experimentation and possibly got messed around by them and so are putting up a bit of a wall towards it happening ever again.

Also (and this is just my own theory based on how I used to feel so I am not saying that it applies to everyone), but I think it is probably easy for someone who is gay to feel a slight bit of resentment towards someone who is bi, because it seems like such an easier way to be - much bigger pool to choose from, less teenage isolation and loneliness as you can still be with some people you fancy without having to go against social norms etc. And in my experience, especially when you are young, bisexuality (for girls anyway) is far more easily accepted (possibly not in the gay scene but I have no experience of that) by people's friends and such.

Anyway...I digress OP, I can understand the girl's point. Awful as it sounds, I would probably hesitate to be with someone who had no experience of relationships/sex etc purely because I don't like to be the one in control of certain situations and I would fear that I would have to take the lead entirely, possibly assuage someone's nerves and all that - and for me, the idea of that is both terrifying and kind of a turn off. But that is just me because I am not madly confident in such situations. I know loads of people who would absolutely love that.

Basically what it comes down to is that she just wasn't the right girl for you. But there are plenty more people out there. You didn't do anything wrong, it just wasn't the right one for you- and that is the most important thing to remember!

stephen_n

Weidii wrote: »

I fecking hate bi-phobia. How does it seem ok for gay people to be bi-phobic when they are oh-so-familiar with the ignorance that is homophobia. On my first night out in a gay bar people told me they wouldn't get with a bisexual because they didn't want to be compared to a man, or because we were fickle, or because we were greedy. The list goes on. Needless to say it scared me away from "the scene" pretty much for good. It's like they want us to choose to be straight or gay so we'll be more like them. The worst part about that situation was that the people I went out with were part of an LGBT society.

I find it difficult to comprehend being straight or being gay, as I've never been that way, and I'm sure that's the reason that they find the concept of bisexuality difficult to comprehend. It's simply a matter of tolerance and equal treatment. Just because you don't understand something, doesn't make it bad. And yeah, of course you're going to hear all the bad stories about bisexuals, but I doubt there's a higher ratio of cheaters among us than gay or straight people.

I'd say try to explain to this person that you really are just getting around to this part of you now for genuine reasons. If she doesn't realise that you are an honest person then she's probably not worth the hassle anyway.

Sorry for the rant, it just really gets to me that we are treated with such ignorance.

I have to say that I agree with a lot of your sentiment in that, bisexuality with a lot of gay people I know is met with one of two view points, either I'm confused and just haven't realised I'm gay or that I'm just greedy. This isn't true in all cases but it does happen an awful lot and sometimes can be really annoying.

Having said that straight women have a huge problem with it too and I learned very fast to be carefull in telling a prospective partner about it.

Boston

Sounds like the girl just didn't want to be your first same sex encounter. These things can be extremely messy and she was only looking for a bit of fun then perhaps you got off lightly?

baby and crumble

TBH she sounds a bit insecure. There's always pressure on someone being with a virgin (not that I have any experience, I've only ever been with my GF!). Still, I think if she really liked you, she either wouldn't feel that, or she'd get over it pretty quick.

It must be really bloody annoying to be bi, I mean from a tolerance thing. I'm pretty much gay (but hey, never say never!) and tbh don't really 'get' the attraction to men thing, but my GF is bi. In my bad moments I do sometimes wonder if she misses being with a guy... but then I try to remember she's with my 6 years for a reason... So I can understand the hesitancy about beginning a relationship with someone who's bi, purely from a very selfish point of view.

Everyone says about how bi people can just go out with anyone, how insulting is that??? Like, just cos you're attracted to both men and women means you have no self control or something!

Anywho, its 6am, I haven't slept and this post is likely not making any sense...

rere

Thanks again for the replies, they've genuinely helped me feel much better about the situation, if I knew how to do that little thank you thing I would.
She just wasn't right for me, but the one who is will like me warts and all.

Also, for a 6am post that was remarkably coherent.

Bottle_of_Smoke

*

baby and crumble

Sorry to be picky but the OP says she's more attracted to women. So that brings that out of the equation a little bit...

Bottle_of_Smoke

zoegh wrote: »

Sorry to be picky but the OP says she's more attracted to women. So that brings that out of the equation a little bit...

you're right i read that wrong.

baby and crumble

No worries man!

And I'm glad you could understand my post- go me for coherancy!

ShagNastii

zoegh wrote: »

It must be really bloody annoying to be bi, I mean from a tolerance thing. I'm pretty much gay (but hey, never say never!) and tbh don't really 'get' the attraction to men thing, but my GF is bi. In my bad moments I do sometimes wonder if she misses being with a guy... but then I try to remember she's with my 6 years for a reason... So I can understand the hesitancy about beginning a relationship with someone who's bi, purely from a very selfish point of view.

I'm really sorry to say but I'm extremely bi-phobia. All steming from a broken LTR I had which my other halfs bi-sexually seemedly was a huge issue all the time. I hate to come across as bitter in this rant but I'm still hurting from this tough lesson. On the break up the killer line was "that I was everything and more but I didn't have vagina. I'm going through a girl phase". Now how exactly can I offer an opposite genders genitals to a person I love wholeheartedly.

Bi-sexuals cry and whing about how people can't understand that sexually is fluid. That it is not so much black or white but more grey. Well to be perfectly honest if I'm looking for a long term monogamous relationship I want things to be black or white. Does that make sense to anyone?

Do bi-sexual people have to "choose" one or the other sex in order to achieve the much wanted happy ever after with somebody? What is it like? I feel gay this week, I go to gay bar. I feel straight this week, I go to straight club.


For example as a "being" I crave hetrosexual sex. As the above postered stated she worries if her other half misses being with guys. What if tomorrow her other half wants males attention (which as a bi-sexual she addresses she could be attracted to) where does that leave the above poster?

Please excuse my outbursts. I'm sure it isn't/wasn't in anyway constructive and is just me being sulky and bitter. I hope I wasn't intrusive or unkind to anyone. My ignorance is more the fact the issue (LGBT) baffles me as opposed to disgusts me. Thank you

baby and crumble

On the break up the killer line was "that I was everything and more but I didn't have vagina. I'm going through a girl phase"

Ok, first off, I think the issue in this particular case is that this woman was a complete git. There's a difference between being bisexual and wanting your cake and eating it too. I'm really sorry that you had such a rubbish experience with someone you love. I mean WTF is a 'girl phase?' C'mon, some times I go through a 'hot chicks with glasses phase', doesn't mean I'm gonna run into my college library and run amok among the history section!!!

As the above postered stated she worries if her other half misses being with guys. What if tomorrow her other half wants males attention (which as a bi-sexual she addresses she could be attracted to) where does that leave the above poster?

I am the above poster, and all I can tell you is that my GF knows it's a hang-up of mine, just as it's a hang-up of hers that she sometimes, in her most vulnerable moments, she is afraid I'll break up with her for some reason. I also worry if she misses being with other girls!! And if she turned round in the morning saying she want male attention, fine. She can eff off if she thinks I'll stand for it though, just the same as if she said she wanted to shag another girl. It's natural to be attracted to other people, it's natural to flirt, it's not a problem (in our eyes) unless it's done with disrespect to your partner. My GF and I have a rule- flirting is 100% fine so long as it's done without intent to score, and not done in view of the other person. Because that's just disrespectful. ( I know people might think that's weird, but it works for us since we are outrageous flirts!!!)

It's that fear, though, isn't it? That there's someone out there that could 'take away' the person you love. If my GF wasn't bi, but exclusively attracted to girls, part of me would still be a little bit wibbly every now and again. It's human nature. If you love something and hold it dear, you're gonna be afraid it might go away. You get scared. That fear can manifest itself in different ways. I know girls who get scared their guy will fall in love/lust with a girl with bigger boobs, with nicer eyes, all that. My hang up is about my GF falling for someone with qualities I don't have. Manliness is one of those qualities.

What my problem is that people like your ex, who frankly see bisexuality as a get out jail free card or something, make everyone assume bisexuals all incapable of keeping it in their pants. I mean come on, every day I see people and think "oooh, you're rather tasty looking!", but I'd never act on it. I am in a committed relationship, and while that's an awesome thing, it's not just about the benefits of it- there are also responsibilities.

Zo

Weidii

ShagNastii wrote: »

Do bi-sexual people have to "choose" one or the other sex in order to achieve the much wanted happy ever after with somebody? What is it like? I feel gay this week, I go to gay bar. I feel straight this week, I go to straight club.

First off I'd attribute this person's actions to their personality rather than their sexuality. I understand you've been hurt, and it's only natural to try to prevent yourself from being hurt again. It's sad that she used her sexuality as an excuse to break off a relationship, though I've heard of people doing this before, for the reason that it's easier to tell someone that "it's not you it's me, it's not your fault that you have a penis, it's my fault that I want vagina." However, I wouldn't be so quick to tar all bisexuals with the one brush having had a bad experience with one. To me, by the same logic, if you had a bad experience with say, someone from Dublin, you could then say "I'm never getting with a Dub again."

In regards to "choosing" a gender to settle with, the way I view potential partners is as a person, not as a man or a woman. I'm attracted to personality, not specifically to gender. I find both female and male bodies attractive, so all that really matters is the person within. Of course being physically attracted to the person matters too, but I'm no more or less likely to be attracted to a man's looks than a woman's or vice versa. It is true to say that most of us will end up with one person in the long run, and that one person generally has one gender, but settling with a man wouldn't make me straight and settling with a woman wouldn't make me gay. Also if I'm in a relationship, I'm no more likely to pine for someone else of a seperate gender than someone else of the same gender. If the relationship isn't working, it's not working.

At the end of the day, I can only speak for myself. I'm sure you can see though that living in limbo like this, not really being accepted in the straight or gay communities becomes a bit frustrating at times. It would be ideal if everyone could see what it's like being bi, gay and straight, so we could understand eachother a little better.

baby and crumble

I'm in a relationship, I'm no more likely to pine for someone else of a seperate gender than someone else of the same gender. If the relationship isn't working, it's not working.

And that's it, isn't it? it's more about people having the balls to admit it's the relationship not working than a set of genital not working. Because a relationship failing is never just one persons fault, but by using the excuse of gender as the issue, you can shift the blame off yourself.

stephen_n

ShagNastii wrote: »

I'm really sorry to say but I'm extremely bi-phobia. All steming from a broken LTR I had which my other halfs bi-sexually seemedly was a huge issue all the time. I hate to come across as bitter in this rant but I'm still hurting from this tough lesson. On the break up the killer line was "that I was everything and more but I didn't have vagina. I'm going through a girl phase". Now how exactly can I offer an opposite genders genitals to a person I love wholeheartedly.

Bi-sexuals cry and whing about how people can't understand that sexually is fluid. That it is not so much black or white but more grey. Well to be perfectly honest if I'm looking for a long term monogamous relationship I want things to be black or white. Does that make sense to anyone?

Do bi-sexual people have to "choose" one or the other sex in order to achieve the much wanted happy ever after with somebody? What is it like? I feel gay this week, I go to gay bar. I feel straight this week, I go to straight club.


For example as a "being" I crave hetrosexual sex. As the above postered stated she worries if her other half misses being with guys. What if tomorrow her other half wants males attention (which as a bi-sexual she addresses she could be attracted to) where does that leave the above poster?

Please excuse my outbursts. I'm sure it isn't/wasn't in anyway constructive and is just me being sulky and bitter. I hope I wasn't intrusive or unkind to anyone. My ignorance is more the fact the issue (LGBT) baffles me as opposed to disgusts me. Thank you

So by the logical extension of your argument, if your next partner leaves you for another man you will become hetro-phobic? That will pretty much mean you'll have to go gay.

My ex wife cheated on me three times with other men, does this mean I shouldn't trust straight women. One of my ex girlfriends, probably the person I have loved most in my life finally accepted she was gay a year into our relationship, breaking my heart in the process, so that's lesbians out the window too, especially since she subsequently went on to sleep with a future bi-sexual girlfriend of mine (I know my life's a soap opera :rolleyes:) So that's bi women out the window too and yet I still trust women.

It is not peoples gender or their sexuality that makes them hurt others, it is just who they are. Either someone will be faithful or they won't sexuality has nothing to do with it!