Is she cheating

LegacyUser

I have been seeing a girl for the last 6 months and I think she may be seeing someone else.

She is a good friend but i have become more and more suspicious about the possibility of her seeing someone else.

The person in question is a good friend of mine, and my suspicions arose when a mutual friend made a comment about them being together and ever since I have had kept my eyes open.

It got to the point (noticing how they flirt despite the fact she says she despises him) where I asked if there was anything going on and was assured not.

The other night while at a friends house I he got a call and going to the bathroom I tried calling her and her number was busy.

This coupled with a recurring "illness" i keep getting, which I know is coming from someone, I am at my wits end.

There is a history with the two and I just don't feel comfortable and don't know what to do.

Any advice?

LegacyUser

Excuse the bad grammer and typing.

Basically I picked up a type of illness which can only be picked up in certain personal situations.

Giving the benefit of the doubt and it being cureable I sorted it out and thought nothing of it. The prob is, that it keeps coming back.

I keep treating it and after exhausting all avenues, I have concluded it is my partner. Now she has treated it too and we have stayed apart for a long while so as to sort it but I keep getting it back (it is a the type of illness which is cureable).

I acknowledge i may be jumping the gun (as I tend to do so) but this coupled with a few things have me on edge.

stephen_n

Seems to me like the original suggestion has lodged in your brain, it's a bit like horoscopes, you make reality fit to the suggestion. You haven't got much to go on in what you have said here, as for the flirting thing, your concept of flirting may be different than hers and anyway people flirt all the time and nothing comes of it.

The illness bit is more worrying have you checked that with a GP?

LegacyUser

It may be the case with the treatment,

I have been to the GP several times and he has advised both of us should treat ourselves.

Now I dont wish to go into details about it but its a annoying persistant illness that "can" be classed as a std, if it was one of the usual suspects (std wise) I would at least know the story.

In regards to the persistant idea, thanks as your prob right as my "evidence" is trivial at best, just hard to be sure especially when this illness persists for so long.

cafecolour

I'm very confused here. It keeps coming back, even though you and her have stayed apart for a long while now? How would it be coming from her then?

You have gone to your GP and gotten this check out correct?

Finally - if your illness is a cold sore or another form of herpes, one you get that it never goes away, it just keeps coming back.

LegacyUser

Yeah if it's herpes or warts you're most likely stuck with it. Probably wouldn't have anything to do with her sleeping around.

My first thought reading your post was a yeast infection, which are notoriously difficult to get rid of, even after prolonged treatment with creams etc they have a tendency to show up again.

I can't speak to the rest of your problem, realistically only she knows whether she's cheating or not, but I wouldn't worry about the STI aspect if it's one of the above infections.

stephen_n

Sounds like your taking about trush, which is not really an STD and is one that is likely to cause re-infection between sexual partners?

LegacyUser

If you're talking about thrush, that is not an STD at all! Thrush is caused by lots of things, even antibiotics or using a perfumed shower gel.

MelanieC

sunflower27 wrote: »

She could have been on the phone to anyone. It sounds like jumping the gun to me if that's all you really have - well, that and your suspicions.

What do you mean by illness. Who has the illness?

Illness aside, yeah she could have been on the phone to anyone but it's quite a coincidence wouldn't you say? Especially as OP had supicions already. I don't necessarily think he's jumping the gun, I think he's right to go on his gut feeling.

It doesn't look good OP.

MelanieC

Yes I am aware most people have phones.

But come on,if you already thought two certain people were having an affair and while you're with one he gets a phonecall and at the exact same time the other person's phone is engaged, that's certainly going to compound your suspicions. It's most certainly not going to allay them anyway, is it?

That's what I'm saying. It is a quite logical assumption to make under the circumstances, be it right or wrong.

LegacyUser

Well here is the thing.

I don't know what to think, I have find it strange her phone must be engaged and I just have this gut feeling something is wrong.

But I don't see what i can do which is unreasonable, like sneak a peak at her or his phone or something just as similar.

I want to trust her but there are things (Tldr: valid points which make it likely) which i know about her and especially him that could make it probable.

Sigh, think im between a rock and a hard place here.

stephen_n

MelanieC wrote: »

Yes I am aware most people have phones.

But come on,if you already thought two certain people were having an affair and while you're with one he gets a phonecall and at the exact same time the other person's phone is engaged, that's certainly going to compound your suspicions. It's most certainly not going to allay them anyway, is it?

That's what I'm saying. It is a quite logical assumption to make under the circumstances, be it right or wrong.

There is absolutely nothing logical about the assumption at all!!!

LegacyUser

Op Ive been in your situation also a lot of people who are regular posters here have been there too.

Ok lets get some things straight
you have a gut feeling that somethings going on, these will keep niggling you until you are driven mad.

Your trust for your girlfriend is being eradicated every second you put ideas together.

now heres the most Important thing
Are you ready for what you will find ?? because if you arent then this will be messy for you and any relationship you will ever have again.
but it eems to me theres only two ways of sorting this out
thats to ask her straight out which will either be answered by lies and making you look bad or if your lucky the truth. this is seldom what happens.
Or you can turn snoop which will save you a lot of problems if your wrong.
Yes you do need to look at her phone and his if you can.
wrong I know but morals went out the window if shes cheating. if she is then there is a chance all his texts could be deleted.
less likely for him as he isnt as close to you.
but remember you need to be mentally prepared for what you find theres no point looking at it and then throwing a wobbly you need to be cool and calm.

Personally Ive been in a slightly simalar situation very recently where I didnt bother to do the research like the first time I just walked away I dont know if she was dating someone else or not I didnt stick around to get hurt again. these are the things you will go through in the future.

Good luck in whatever you do

MelanieC

stephen_n wrote: »

There is absolutely nothing logical about the assumption at all!!!

I am saying that it is logical he would think that if he had already had his suspicions. As I said it might be wrong, it might be jumping to conclusions, it might be adding 2+2 and getting 5 but it is perfectly understandable for him to think something of it when it involves the two people he suspected already.
Come on Stephen, I know you're mad for trusting but even you must see why he made this assumption. It's compounding what he already felt instinctively. I say act on this OP, you need to know for sure. And for what it's worth, I think it's suspicious too. You're not crazy.

stephen_n

MelanieC wrote: »

I am saying that it is logical he would think that if he had already had his suspicions. As I said it might be wrong, it might be jumping to conclusions, it might be adding 2+2 and getting 5 but it is perfectly understandable for him to think something of it when it involves the two people he suspected already.
Come on Stephen, I know you're mad for trusting but even you must see why he made this assumption. It's compounding what he already felt instinctively. I say act on this OP, you need to know for sure. And for what it's worth, I think it's suspicious too. You're not crazy.

You used the word logic when there was absolutely no logic in what either he or you were saying ( http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/logic here's a link to look it up in case you don't believe me) . As for me being overly trusting maybe that just mirrors your own issues around trust, which you clearly have giving the advise that you finished with. The OP has absolutely no grounds to base his suspicions an except his suspicions themselves. The fact that his GF happened to be on the phone at the same time as this other guy proves or means nothing what so ever except two people happened to both be using their phones. How come you don't pick up on the fact that he says when they are together they can barely stand each other but this is them flirting??? The advise your giving is too potentially destroy a relationship over suspicions rather than the OP taking responsibility for his own insecurities, but then again personal responsibilty isn't important in your opinion is it!

MelanieC

stephen_n wrote: »

You used the word logic when there was absolutely no logic in what either he or you were saying ( http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/logic here's a link to look it up in case you don't believe me) . As for me being overly trusting maybe that just mirrors your own issues around trust, which you clearly have giving the advise that you finished with. The OP has absolutely no grounds to base his suspicions an except his suspicions themselves. The fact that his GF happened to be on the phone at the same time as this other guy proves or means nothing what so ever except two people happened to both be using their phones. How come you don't pick up on the fact that he says when they are together they can barely stand each other but this is them flirting??? The advise your giving is too potentially destroy a relationship over suspicions rather than the OP taking responsibility for his own insecurities, but then again personal responsibilty isn't important in your opinion is it!

?????????????????

I don't know what you mean by that last line, you don't even know me or my values or beliefs etc. You just seem to want to pick an argument for some reason but I'm not going to give it to you. Just because I disagree with you doesn't give you the right to insult me you know, these boards are meant for discussion and debate.

I shall say it one more time, I do think it's perfectly logical for the OP to draw the conclusions he did given the circumstances and his already growing suspicions. I'm not saying he was right or accurate to draw those conclusions, none of us knows, but the fact that he did was quite understandable and logical to him in his situation. Hopefully this will clear it up for good now coz I am getting really fed up with having to repeat myself. And thank you but I am fully aware of the meaning of logic, I happen to have an honors English degree.

So they act as if they can't stand each other when they're together. That doesn't mean it's true you know. First of all there's a very thin line between love and hate - both require an equal amount of passion. They may bicker and fight and disagree constantly but still find each other irresistable, it's not unknown. Secondly, if they were carrying on behind OP's back they would surely pretend to dislike each other to throw him off the scent. And before you attack me Stephen for single-handedly destroying OP's relationship or whatever it is you think I'm doing just by offering my opinion, I'm not not not saying that this is the case. But it is a possibility and OP needs to examine all possibilities to determine in his own head which one it is so he can act accordingly.

I am not advising OP to potentially destroy his relationship over suspicions. If suspicions exist in the relationship in the first place then it is in trouble anyway. OP needs to either confirm or allay his suspicions in order to move on. And,in your crusade for blind trust you are not listening carefully to the information OP is giving. He says he has extra valid reasons which he hasn't gone into but which make it all the more likely that his gf and his friend are betraying him. So......the friend apparently has form, he and the gf make a point of "hating" each other, he takes secret phonecall and at the same time gf's phone is engaged plus all these extra reasons OP hasn't elaborated on but which he obviously feels are extremely significant - no wonder he's suspicious! Who wouldn't be, apart from you??

And yes, maybe it is OP's own insecurities which are making him suspicious but maybe not, we don't know. Either way he has to work it out and that is what we're supposed to be helping with here so if you could direct your advice his way rather than accusing me of having trust issues and no sense of personal responsibility, that would be far more productive.

I for one, can understand the OP's fears and suspicions (and no, that doesn't mean I have trust issues, I am just capable of seeing something from another person's point of view even though it's different from my own situation) and I want to let him know that so he doesn't feel even more alone and confused.

Anyway, enough defending myself, it shouldn't even be about that. :mad:
OP, how are you? Have you had any developments since you last posted?

ash23

OP if you don't trust her, think it's possible that she's screwing your mate and passing on infections then why the hell are you with her?

If she is then dump her. If she's not but you think so little of her that you believe she's capable of it, then dump her.

What difference will finding out if you're right or wrong make. You don't trust her. End it.

LegacyUser

Op sorry you are having doubts about your gf.If how ever barr the gut feeling and some idiot making a comment about it,which may have caused this initial doubt in first place.Therefore you start seeing things like been on phone as a alarm bell.If you asked her and she assured you not the case more than likely not the case.Worst thing in world is to listen to any person ever.I have found that out hard way because they think they know everything and they know nothing.
If she has no weird phone calls or she doesnt hide her texts or she isnt gone missing for no reason then until that time you i believe have nothing to worry about.Perhaps its you are a bit insecure and if you are you need to get over it or else you will wreck your relationship.Gut feeling and fears can do some terrible damage because all it really is is fear which makes you think its your gut feeling.
Best of luck but never read to much into anything.

stephen_n

[QUOTE=MelanieC;

I don't know what you mean by that last line, you don't even know me or my values or beliefs etc. You just seem to want to pick an argument for some reason but I'm not going to give it to you. Just because I disagree with you doesn't give you the right to insult me you know, these boards are meant for discussion and debate.
[/QUOTE]

When did I do that and if you feel I did then why haven't you reported it?


As for the rest of your post I give up there is clearly no point!

LegacyUser

To all, thanks for the advice and for sharing what you think.

Just to update, I took a relaxing weekend, having the chance on Friday to go for a few drinks with a trusted friend whom I could relay my fears and managed to give my head some peace and step back a little.

Now ill be honest, Mel I am very insecure at the best of times, if it is not this it would be something else and it does give bias to my argument because it is very likely I am clutching at straws, making rash assumptions and worrying over nothing.

Ste, at the same time there is this recurring illness and a gut feeling that there that something is up, more so than my usual worry.

Now it comes to what i think i should do... well, what can i?,

I have asked and I have kept my eyes open and there is nothing concrete. I could glance at a phone or through more clandestine means, find the answers i need but at the same time, what if it was just an over reaction?.

For the moment I am just going to leave it, if it is, it is, the answer will come.

stephen_n

Guestworried116 wrote: »

Ste, at the same time there is this recurring illness and a gut feeling that there that something is up, more so than my usual worry.

Just on that if it is thrush, then the likely hood of re-infection between partners is very high as even after the visible symptoms are gone you are both still probably carrying the infection. I'm not 100% sure but think it remains dormant in the body like herpes and comes back again through various circumstances like your immune system being run down etc.. The fact that your stressed about this will be having a negative effect on your immune system as your spending longer periods of time in the stress response, which will knock out your immune system!

MelanieC

stephen_n wrote: »

When did I do that and if you feel I did then why haven't you reported it?


As for the rest of your post I give up there is clearly no point!

The feeling's mutual.

MelanieC

Guestworried116 wrote: »

To all, thanks for the advice and for sharing what you think.

Just to update, I took a relaxing weekend, having the chance on Friday to go for a few drinks with a trusted friend whom I could relay my fears and managed to give my head some peace and step back a little.

Now ill be honest, Mel I am very insecure at the best of times, if it is not this it would be something else and it does give bias to my argument because it is very likely I am clutching at straws, making rash assumptions and worrying over nothing.

Ste, at the same time there is this recurring illness and a gut feeling that there that something is up, more so than my usual worry.

Now it comes to what i think i should do... well, what can i?,

I have asked and I have kept my eyes open and there is nothing concrete. I could glance at a phone or through more clandestine means, find the answers i need but at the same time, what if it was just an over reaction?.

For the moment I am just going to leave it, if it is, it is, the answer will come.

OP, why do you think it is you're so insecure? Have you had bad relationships in the past where your trust was betrayed or your self esteem abused? If you really are super-insecure and paranoid then it's definitely possible that you are sabotaging your own relationship out of fear and self preservation.

You are aware that you do this though and yet this time it seems different to you, more than your usual insecurity so there could be something in this too. I'm a great believer in gut feelings.

As for finding answers, yes it is a difficult one. You say you have approached your gf and she has denied anything's going on so it would be crazy to keep on at her. Maybe you could have a chat with your friend - you seem to know him prety well so maybe you would be able to tell if he was acting shady/hiding something/lying outright?

Otherwise it looks as though you'll just have to take your gf's word for it and work on learning to trust more.
Let us know how you get on.

Nevyn

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Thaedydal