Pressure to be in a relationship

LegacyUser

Not so much a direct relationship issue, more of a life outlook in terms of relationships in general. I think what I'm really looking for is some opinion or some words of wisdom that will let me become comfortable with just being single.

I feel like there is this pressure to be in a relationship, my whole family and friends are all happy (at least seem it) in relationships - big family and everyone's married with kids - many friends married in late 20s. I'm a bloke in late 20s too.

I can't put my finger on why but I feel this lingering pressure that life's about job, marriage, kids etc. and I can't just seem to get confident and comfortable accepting I want to be single my whole life. This pressure doesn't come from anyone, no-one has ever said anything to me but I just don't think I suit relationships and everything that goes with them.

I find the girls I've dated just bug me after a while being irritable and always full of questions or jealous etc. I also find that with people now liberal about sex, you can't help but being in some pub where some guy your gf's slept with drunkenly one night is at the bar or you're in her home town happily walking down the street and bump into some other guy she's told you she slept with and all the jealous feelings those things create. I just find the insecurity that it brings out in me just doesn't sit (and suprisingly my gf's have told me I'm not the jealous type), perhaps I just lack some internal self-confidence - just to say I have no problem with women having one night stands, that is not the issue at all. I think I have some issue with the way people seem to share themselves with each other so easily (and its for guys too), I think it makes me feel like a relationship is less worth it, it's like if my gf was willing to sleep with a guy after knowing him a couple of hours then it's like I think why bother put in all the work the comes with maintaining a relationship when all some guy did was chat her up and off they went.

I'd like to just reiterate that I do not think anyone who has a one night stand has done anything wrong at all - I'd like to stress that point - it probably sounds like I do but I genuinly don't.

I'm quite happy to hear some slap in the face comments about my attitude because I'm really at odds at the moment - I'm in a relationship presently and feel that if this is my attitude I need to let my girlfriend find someone else who she would deserve more than myself because I'm worried I'm wasting her time.

LegacyUser

Hi there:

Maybe i m getting it wrong, but it looks to me like you see relationships as a way to get sex?,

it's like if my gf was willing to sleep with a guy after knowing him a couple of hours then it's like I think why bother put in all the work the comes with maintaining a relationship when all some guy did was chat her up and off they went.

I mean, in that situation(real or not) the guy and yr girlfriend, just had sex, when you are with your girlfriend, I m pretty sure you have more than sex, there is a bond, a connexion, trust, etc, that are what makes you really be with her, sex, is just something else, quite good, that happens.

I m pretty sure, you dont see your relationship with your girlfriend only like that, but thats one thing that comes across.

Another thing you said is that after a while, you find the girls irritable, and that you are in a relationship and think you might be wasting her time. Well , you are thinking about this and that is a sign that you care, or want to figure it out, do you love her? Do you feel comfortable opening up and talking to her about your life , and thoughts? Do you look forward to see her?

I hope it helps

Victor

truebutsad, to use the quote function you need to do [noparse]

the quote

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LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply, I can see how that sounded alright but no I don't see a relationship as a way of getting sex - it's really hard to get across, anytime I try write it it does sound like all I'm talking about is sex, so fair point.

It's more, a relationship means not as much freedom, insecurities, restraints on general things like career/college - it's like the pros equal the cons for me, the pros of closeness/companionship with someone equal the cons of the insecurities for me - and I think what's making me stay in a relationship is this belief I have that everyone is supposed to be in one, and get married, buy the house, have the kids etc. I think if that wasn't there I'd stay on my own, so I suppose I need to try get that out of my head.

I do love her, it might sound strange considering my belief but I've been in tears recently at the thoughts of telling her that I think I'm only in a relationship because it's the done thing.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you're not ready to settle down just yet. You wouldn't be the first to feel like this, and you won't be the last : ).

Have you spoken to your girlfriend about any of this? Staying in a relationship doesn't automatically mean that the rest of your life is mapped out, it means that you'll always know who you're going to have by your side as you do all the things you want to do.
If your girlfriend has a similar outlook to you with regards to what she wants to do with HER life, you really can't get much better than that in a partner in my opinion

Taltos

All it really means is that this girl is not the one for you - I do not mean there is just one - but the one that causes you to want to change your life and outlook.

If you are not ready then you are not ready - there should be no shame or stigma in that. What is worse though is stringing her along thinking all is ok when in your mind you are only in the relationship because it is expected.