Absent dad

longneck

like advice please.separated from my husband,he has no contact with children,says they should be contacting him.little one is making her communion soon,should i tell him?she says she does'nt miss him and does'nt want to see him.

LegacyUser

longneck,
Not really advise as what to do, but here is my experience.

Sadly your husband sounds just like my own father. He also left when I was a child and always believed that it was up to the children to contact him. He never would make an effort to contact us. Now at 22, I have not heard from him in years, and to be honest I am happy. I know exactly how your daughter feels. When I was younger, I would always be hopeful a birthday card or a christmas card would come, and would feel let down when nothing came. But I did come to a point, when I was quite young, that I didn't want to have any contact with him. He was the adult and if he wanted a relationship, he should work at it too. I know your daughter is very young, but she may have come to this point already, where she does not want him there, because she is frightened to be disappointed and let down if he does not show.
My thoughts are with you, as I hate to hear of other children go through, what really is the adults selfish behaviour.

LegacyUser

Hi there - been in the same position as you in that my ex wouldn't contact the kids and was annoyed that they didn't contact him. For a couple of years I tried to persuade him to meet them, and invited him around so he could meet them here. But it didn't work. He claimed they didn't want to meet up with him (probably true), had nothing to say when he did ring them and when he came here he just stayed in the kitchen talking to me instead of going into the living room to them (and blamed them for not running in to talk to him). He never lived anywhere they could stay over with him. And I was always accused of not bringing them across country to visit his family - my fault they didn't know their Granny and cousins well!

Even so, tell him about the Communion and about every other occasion important to them. He's just being stubborn, angry with you, and feeling unwanted. It's important to him and to your daughter that he be there - it would always rankle with them both if it doesn't happen - no matter what he or she says.

Four years after we separated, my ex created rows and hassle with me about our youngest's grad's Mass because I wanted him to go to it - there was no way he was going, cursing, roaring at me etc. He did come, barely spoke to me, kept his back to me, refused to shake hands with me at the sign of peace and had me shaking and nearly crying in public in front of all her friends. But he did it all quietly and personally to me. She never knew this and was delighted he came, and I was able to take a photo of her and her Dad together so she could have it. He is proud as punch of her really and she loves him too so they both had their day and their memories.

If you can bear to have him around for the day, try to have him there. You can give them both that, if they'll let you.

longneck

thank you both so much.thinking i will tell him its on,then its up to him if he comes or not.he refuses to speak to the two teenagers at all so it will be very hard on them if he does come.its a terrible thing that he's doing,but hopefully they'll get over it in time.