Boyfriend's place is awful

LegacyUser · 03-03-2010 4:48pm #1

My BF is sharing a flat with another guy and its really doing my head in. He is more than able to move out on his own but he won't. I'm really uncomfortable even staying the night cos his room is so tiny, its also really untidy as the place is very small and has very little storage. His flatmate is nice but I think if we are going to progress our relationship my BF should take charge and move out. He loves staying at mine because I own my own house and live alone, so I am not self-conscious about "getting it on" or feel like we are making a flatmate feel like a third wheel.

How can I talk him around to getting his own place? I don't want to nag him into moving but I can't take another night in a tiny room in a bed that is too small. HELP!

Emme · 03-03-2010 5:05pm

It's your boyfriend's business where he lives and when he chooses to move out. It's not up to you to tell him where he should live.

herya · 03-03-2010 5:11pm

Why do you visit him then if you have your own place for yourself and your guests? He could spend more time at your place and since you're more of a hostess then than he is he can take care of your outings to make up for it.

Curl52 · 03-03-2010 5:12pm

If you have your own place I really don't see the major problem here. Alot of people don't like living on their own and I don't see how him moving out is going to enable your relationship to move forward so I think you are being pretty unreasonable expecting him to move out. If it is such a big issue just tell him you prefer staying in your own house.

seamus · 03-03-2010 5:12pm

The next time he suggests going back to his place, you either suggest going back to your place instead or you tell him straight out that you're not going back to his place because it's small and scummy.

You have no right to tell him to move out, but you have every right to refuse to sleep or go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable. Once he realises that his tiny flat is cockblocking him, he'll be onto daft.ie in a couple of minutes.

ztoical · 03-03-2010 5:19pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

How can I talk him around to getting his own place?

Not everyone likes living on their own....alot of people go from parents place, to shared flat/house, to living with partner/wife/husband. They prefer having people around rather then the space some people prefer living on their own. For some they just can't afford it.

How long have you and himself been going out? If your so ready to move the relationship forward why not just ask him to move in with you if you've a place to yourself? If he was moaning and bitching about the size of the place or having to share then I'd tell him to shut up and look for place rather then just going on about it but in your OP you just state your unhappy and not him. If you lived at home and his was the only place you could "get it on" then maybe I could see your point but then I'd be telling you to move. His flat, his choice. What if you break up next week and he is stuck with a 12 month lease on a place he only got to keep you happy and can't afford? You've got a space you can be together so why not just spend that time there rather then his?

LegacyUser · 03-03-2010 5:24pm

You sound a bit controlling to be honest. Theres nothing you can do to make somebody do what you'd like them to do, they have to want to make a change themselves. If the situation is not to you liking then you have the choice to take yourself out of that situation.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2010 4:09pm

Thanks guys.
I am not trying to be controlling, he wants to get his own place but he just can't or won't seem to get moving on it. I've refused to stay at his, I've helped him look and he's just turned down every place, even though the way the rental market it he can rent on his onw for the same money he's paying now and can get a lease for any number of months.

I am running out of ways to help him, what can I say or do to make him see that this iss getting me down. I love having him at mine, but I think at his age (early 30s) he should be out on his own in a place where I should feel welcome and not self conscious. Its more like a student lifestyle the way he lives now, but he's in a good job and has more than enough to get his own nice place instead of living with someone else in a dump. I think he feels like he's letting his mate down by moving out, but that makes me feel like he's not taking our relationship seriously.

Emme · 04-03-2010 4:47pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

Thanks guys.
I am not trying to be controlling, he wants to get his own place but he just can't or won't seem to get moving on it. I've refused to stay at his, I've helped him look and he's just turned down every place, even though the way the rental market it he can rent on his onw for the same money he's paying now and can get a lease for any number of months.

I am running out of ways to help him, what can I say or do to make him see that this iss getting me down. I love having him at mine, but I think at his age (early 30s) he should be out on his own in a place where I should feel welcome and not self conscious. Its more like a student lifestyle the way he lives now, but he's in a good job and has more than enough to get his own nice place instead of living with someone else in a dump. I think he feels like he's letting his mate down by moving out, but that makes me feel like he's not taking our relationship seriously.

Maybe he doesn't want to live on his own? If he's happy living with his friend what's wrong with that? A few years ago I dated a guy in his 30s who was sharing with 2 other lads in their 30s - 2 grew up together and 2 went to college together. The house was in a convenient part of town, they got on well and were happy with the situation. Two of them owned houses in their home town but didn't want to commute.

It was a messy house but I didn't live there so I didn't let it bother me. I'm a tidy freak myself. My bf at the time used to mostly stay with me whenever we saw each other but I didn't mind staying there.

Is your bf ready to move out? Are you trying to move the relationship forward too fast? Have you asked him what he wants?

cafecolour · 04-03-2010 5:04pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

Thanks guys.
I am not trying to be controlling, he wants to get his own place but he just can't or won't seem to get moving on it. I've refused to stay at his, I've helped him look and he's just turned down every place, even though the way the rental market it he can rent on his onw for the same money he's paying now and can get a lease for any number of months.

I am running out of ways to help him, what can I say or do to make him see that this iss getting me down. I love having him at mine, but I think at his age (early 30s) he should be out on his own in a place where I should feel welcome and not self conscious. Its more like a student lifestyle the way he lives now, but he's in a good job and has more than enough to get his own nice place instead of living with someone else in a dump. I think he feels like he's letting his mate down by moving out, but that makes me feel like he's not taking our relationship seriously.

Honestly it sounds like he doesn't want to get his own place, and is only telling you he does to get you off his back. He may like living with other people. I do, for instance, and would be genuinely unhappy living on my own, even when dating someone.

It really does come across a little controlling and a bit materialistic as well TBH - especially when you use words like 'nice place' vs 'dump'. I'd leave it until you're ready to move in together. If he balks at that, well then you've got an issue.

mood · 04-03-2010 5:26pm

Maybe he isn't as ready to settle down as you are. Buying a place is a big deal.

And maybe he is happy still living a studenty lifestyle.

gavney1 · 04-03-2010 5:31pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

Thanks guys.
I am not trying to be controlling, he wants to get his own place but he just can't or won't seem to get moving on it. I've refused to stay at his, I've helped him look and he's just turned down every place, even though the way the rental market it he can rent on his onw for the same money he's paying now and can get a lease for any number of months.

I am running out of ways to help him, what can I say or do to make him see that this iss getting me down. I love having him at mine, but I think at his age (early 30s) he should be out on his own in a place where I should feel welcome and not self conscious. Its more like a student lifestyle the way he lives now, but he's in a good job and has more than enough to get his own nice place instead of living with someone else in a dump. I think he feels like he's letting his mate down by moving out, but that makes me feel like he's not taking our relationship seriously.

yeah, honestly it sounds like he's just saying that he wants to move out just to get you off his back. If he really wanted to move out, I'm sure he would have made the effort, esp if you're giving him the encouragement.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting him to move, but expecting him to do it is unfair.

Given all options OP, would you prefer if he just moved in with you? Maybe he's not ready, but would that be your preference?

gavney1 · 04-03-2010 5:33pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

but I think at his age (early 30s) he should be out on his own in a place where I should feel welcome and not self conscious. Its more like a student lifestyle the way he lives now, but he's in a good job and has more than enough to get his own nice place instead of living with someone else in a dump.

No offence OP, but you sound more like his Mum than his GF here

newmember2 · 04-03-2010 5:36pm

Is it that you want him to have a nicer place, or is that you think it's a sign of maturity to live on your own?

I think you need to sit down with him and have an honest conversation about this.
If he doesn't want to move out, or live on his own, you need to give him the space to let him tell you this.
You mention his friend quite a bit. Do you think your boyfriend is a little immature and do you find it a little uncomfortable that he is apparently putting loyalty to his friend ahead of you?
You may have chosen to live on your own, but is it not a valid decision for someone to not want to live on their own - or not want what you wanted?

You can't impose your beliefs onto him. You both need to identify everything that's going on here and come to a mutual agreement.

To me it sounds like your trying to make him grow up.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2010 5:52pm

His mate is great, he's a lovely guy and we get on well. I do not want to make him grow up, if anything I'm the less grown up one as he is very sensible. He has said many times how much he hates his room (it is TINY and he is a big guy) and that he would prefer it to be just us when we are hanging out.

I could understand people saying I am like his mother if he hadn't brought this up, but he is constantly saying how much he hates his living situation and that he needs his own space. I've tried to help, but he is using the excuse that he'd be letting his flatmate (who has his own LT gf) down, even though my bf is only living in his current place because he was really stuck and the other guy needed a flatmate.

I also think it is a sign of maturity than you can be alone. I do not understand this concept of people needing others around them at all times. The amount of time I spend at home alone is minimal, but I certainly don't need the constant presence of others to be happy. In fact, he spends time on his own as it is because his mates GF also refuses to stay in the place and stays at hers most of the time.

mood · 04-03-2010 7:58pm

If he was that unhappy there he would move simple as that.

Monkey61 · 05-03-2010 10:18am

Radical suggestion I know - but if he hates his place that much yet still wants to live with his friend, could they not both move to a better place?

ztoical · 05-03-2010 12:06pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

I also think it is a sign of maturity than you can be alone. I do not understand this concept of people needing others around them at all times.

Sorry hon but it's not a sign of maturity that you can be alone, it just means you like having your own space. I've lived on my own for the past 10 years, I much prefer it and as long as I can afford it I will live by myself but I've plenty of friends who think it's mad [and something a little sad] to live alone and they could never do it - people are just different, doesn't make one any or less mature then the other.

mood · 05-03-2010 12:52pm

ztoical wrote: »

Sorry hon but it's not a sign of maturity that you can be alone, it just means you like having your own space. I've lived on my own for the past 10 years, I much prefer it and as long as I can afford it I will live by myself but I've plenty of friends who think it's mad [and something a little sad] to live alone and they could never do it - people are just different, doesn't make one any or less mature then the other.

Totally agree.

herya · 05-03-2010 1:43pm

HELLLLLLP wrote: »

I also think it is a sign of maturity than you can be alone. I do not understand this concept of people needing others around them at all times. The amount of time I spend at home alone is minimal, but I certainly don't need the constant presence of others to be happy. In fact, he spends time on his own as it is because his mates GF also refuses to stay in the place and stays at hers most of the time.

You're just trying to pressurise your BF into doing something (living alone) that you like but he doesn't. People are different, I like being on my own, my bf loves company in all aspects off life, but I would never force him to change his habits to mine and I wouldn't like him doing it to me.

If their living conditions are so appaling, perhaps they should both look for a bigger place, rents are down so much nowadays they might even save money. But to "make him mature" by forcing him out of the flat does sound very controlling. It's merely your narrow idea of maturity and not any general law.

MelanieC · 05-03-2010 4:00pm

Seems to me that if both your bf and his flatmate's gfs refuse to stay over at their flat but yet they both still want to remain living there together that it's precisely for that reason!!!

A lot of men are "want to have my cake and eat it" creatures and it sounds like these two certainly are. Think about it, both of them have long term gfs with places of their own where they can stay when they're with you and get their jollies etc. But then when they want time away from ye they have their boy's pad where they can kick back and be teenagers again, be as messy and lazy as they like and ye won't be there to complain coz ye refuse to stay there!

Your bf isn't going anywhere any time soon OP. Think about it, he and his flatmate have the best of both worlds - that's like the male holy grail!

Boyfriend's place is awful

Comments