Mother has turned into a monster

LegacyUser

I am a 16 yeard old girl. I have one older sister at college and a younger brother. Recently mum was made redundant. dad is away from home a lot as he is in sales. Since mum stopped working she has become impossible to live with. She is hanging around the house all day and when I come in from school she starts complaining about things that she never even noticed before. Why was something not put in the washbasket? Why is there something on the floor of your bedroom? She makes me take off my uniform when I get in the door and put on a horrible old tracksuit. She has started to look through all of my schoolbooks every night demanding to know what all the red marks are about. She has also become violent. Just before Christmas I tore my skirt on the way home from school when I wlaked into a bin. When I got home she ordered me to my room and told me to take the skirt ff in front of her. When I hesitated, she hit me a box on the ear and started pummelling me. The doorbell rang and she stopped. I shudder to think what would have happened otherwise. Dad was around a lot over Christmas so nothing much happend but recently she has become vey angry again. She has also got very mean. She got a lot of money when she was made redundant but says that now she is not working she cannot afford things. She won't let me babysit during the week saying that I need to study. I am afraid that she is going to attack me again. I would like to leave home and go to a hostel and finish school, well away from my mother.

Miller Boy

Sounds like your mum is have problems adjusting to her new situation. And she sounds to me like she's depressed. Have you an aunt/uncle/neighbour you can talk to? Can you talk to your dad about it?

kmart6

You were attacked, don't care if she's your mother, you need to tell someone/report it!

Goesague

Why did you tear your skirt?

gandalf

Firstly have you talked to your Dad about how your Mother is behaving.

She is obviously having serious issues adjusting to losing her job and she needs to talk to someone outside the family about this. Again this should be something your Dad talks to her about.

With regard to money issues given the current state of play in this country I can understand her putting a tighter rein on finances even if she got a decent sum from redundancy. Is there a large mortgage on the house how does the loss of the 2nd income effect the budget etc.

neuro-praxis

Goesague wrote: »

Why did you tear your skirt?

She states quite clearly that she tore her skirt when she walked into a bin. How on earth is this question relevant? Way to miss the point.

deadtiger, as has been said, can you speak to your father about this?

Goesague

neuro-praxis wrote: »

She states quite clearly that she tore her skirt when she walked into a bin. How on earth is this question relevant? Way to miss the point.

deadtiger, as has been said, can you speak to your father about this?

Ok, why did you walk into a bin?

d'Oracle

Have you tried contacting Childline OP?

6th

Goesague wrote: »

Ok, why did you walk into a bin?

Take a weeks break for off topic and derailing thread.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

This is pure abuse and your mother seems to know when to behave herself aswell. You should speak to your father. I couldn't give two hoots if she's been made redundant so has one sixth of the country do you see other people beating and abusing people because of it, No you don't. She has absolutely no excuse and should be ashamed of herself. I really feel for you, you poor thing as if school is not hard enough, your home should be a place of solitude and peace not a bloody warzone.

Taltos

OP you really need to reach out to someone - and if you are not comfortable talking to your dad right now then call childline or one of the other helplines out there.

Really anything could be happening with your mum right now - it might even be the menopause.
However - that might be why she is like this - it does not excuse how she has been behaving. She is the one choosing to act like this - yes she might feel like she is driven to it - but she intentionally raised her hand against you.

Personally - I think she needs help and fast. I also think you need help too as this is not the type of home life anyone should have. Don't close your eyes to it and hope it gets better - it rarely does. All that happens is you become numb and risk falling into a relationship with someone who has little or no respect for you.

Talk to someone but try to get the strength to go to your dad. Mum or not - she has assaulted you... If a few weeks ago one of your friends had told you a parent had hit her and she was in fear of her life - what would you have told her to do?

axel rose

If this is not typical of your mums behaviour then I wouldn't rush straight into requesting care orders! I accept that you are a kid and that you are finding your mums actions and mood scary and unfair. Your mum was wrong to hit you-no question about it. Was that attack a one off or has it happened again?

However, you need to see your mum a a fallible human. Her confidence has been seriously knocked. She has lost her job and is now at home, worrying about money and hating it. This is making her stressed and unreasonable. As hard as it sounds, try and be more supportive, change out of your uniform, stop asking for money and study.

Do you think you could grab your mum in a good moment and tell her that you love her and see that she is stressed, but her behaviour can scare you? Like the others said, speak to your dad. and let him know whats going on.

LegacyUser

My dad isn't around much, he is always travelling. When he is at home Mum is very pleasant to me. He only wants a quiet life. I have learned that if I approach him to try and overturn something Mum has ordered she gets vicious when he goes away. Mum often hits me but I have never before seen her completely lose it.
She is now saying that I am not studying enough and she threatens me with beatings every so often. My relations all live far away. I just need to get away from Mum.

Taltos

CONFUSED TEEN wrote: »

My dad isn't around much, he is always travelling. When he is at home Mum is very pleasant to me. He only wants a quiet life. I have learned that if I approach him to try and overturn something Mum has ordered she gets vicious when he goes away. Mum often hits me but I have never before seen her completely lose it.
She is now saying that I am not studying enough and she threatens me with beatings every so often. My relations all live far away. I just need to get away from Mum.

Op - this just sounds like abuse - plain and simple.
Go to your local garda station or call child services.
Again - this is not to get your mum into trouble - but to protect you from the time no one knocks on the door. And all being well this might be just what she needs to get herself sorted out.

I watched my mum break a wooden brush over my elder brothers back and similar to a sister. I was too young to know what was going on. Menopause. But I grew up convinced it was because they just did not speak properly. Luckily by the time I grew up enough to be lippy she was past it - but at least in my case my Dad was there to step in and stop it, only took a few incidents like this to terrify me, but am sure glad it did stop as my temperment is to retaliate - an unfortunately even without thinking - taken years to work on that - but you see where I am going - the scars you get from this can follow you. Deal with them now.
If you Dad is not there for you then you have to watch out for yourself - go seek the help you need. Either pick up the phone or stop in to your local station.

LegacyUser

When my children were young I was very stressed out - working full time, minding 3 kids with a husband always away who didn't support me. I turned into a work angel and a house devil and took my anger and frustration out on my children. I was good to them before that and I'm good to them now, but at that time any small thing tipped me over the edge and I was dreadful.

Your Mum is not working but from here I can feel how's she's feeling. Her head is constantly boiling over with anxiety and anger against everything. The only way she feels remotely useful is to try to take proper care of you and that's where it's all coming unstuck because she's not able.

You DO need to take action, for yourself and for her. She hates what she does to you but thinks it's the only way. She hates herself too. And it scares her too. It did me, and I was disgusted at myself, especially when I was all nice when other people were around - I did know it was wrong but in a twisted way still thought it was the right thing to do. I wasn't able to get out of the cycle but after a while things got easier and I became a human being again.

You do need to tell your Dad, and about how you're afraid it'll make it worse for you when he's gone again. While he's away you can ring him, and he can ring your Mum.

Does your Mum have a good friend? Could you talk to her friend? A good friend can support her and help her through changing how she behaves and help you survive in the meantime.

Both your Dad and a good friend could try to persuade her to go to counselling. It sounds like she badly needs it.

But if neither of these are an option, do call someone - the local priest if she's religious, social services, the guards. She needs another adult to hold a mirror up to her and show her what she's doing. It'll give her such a shock, there will be immediate changes.

You don't need to get away from your Mum. You need her to be a proper Mum.

Taltos

OP - maybe write it all down.
Even go so far as to print this out as well and when your dad is home hand both your parents this and your letter.

Key thing is to capture how it makes you feel.
In the long term this will only damage you and make relationships all the more difficult.
Yes your Mum is having a hard time - but you are still young and despite all her other responsibilities she is meant to protect you and to help prepare you for adult life - NOT make your sanctuary a living hell.
When she does cop onto herself she may be wracked with guilt or like my mum - go into total denial, or even hit the bottle and deny it all the stronger.

Don't sit back hoping it will get better. I am afraid this is one of those times where you have to act older than your years and act - demand a change. It might be tough for a while - but in the long run I hope that you know that you need to do this - for you. Never let someone bully you and always demand that you be treated fairly and appropriately - whether it is your mum or a future partner.

Really hope you can sort this out. And no matter what you decide to do I think you are great for posting here and putting down what has been happening to you. Please try.

TheNog

Hey OP first off you are very brave in posting here for help. You have taken the first step in seeking help but you will need to take further steps so stay strong.

Before I go any further I will tell you that I am a serving Garda and I have come across these type of situations before so I have some experience. Im no expert but I will try to share with you what I have learned.

Your first step should be to talk with your Dad as soon as possible and tell him everything. If your Dad cannot be reached then try a close relative. Im not taking your mums side but she could be under enormous stress after losing her job, trying to pay bills and raising a family pretty much by herself when your Dad is away. You also say your relatives lives far away so your mum may feel isolated and alone with her problems. It is always best to try and gain family support first before making complaints to Gardai or Social Services.

If support from your family isnt working then by all means make that call to Gardai or Social Services. Keep in mind that anytime you feel under immediate threat with injury or worse, pick up the phone and dial 999 for the Gardai. If this happens the HSE will be notified and will investigate it.

Last of all you really dont want to be placed in a hostel. It may seem like a good idea to get away from your mother but in all seriousness hostels can present far more dangers to you than you think.

I wish you the very best.

LegacyUser

I tried bringing this up when my dad came home for the weekend last night. I told him about the incident over the skirt. He asked my mum if it was true. She said yes and then gave me a big hug and said it was her fault for giving me a slap but that she didn't mean any harm. As far as my day is concerned it is now problem over. Later, when Dad was not around, Mum gave me a filthy look so I know she is going to kill me when dad is gone.

Taltos

Get him away from your mum and tell him everything else.
Don't hold back at all. Tell him everything.

Every event - any evidence you might have - eg photos of bruises - anything.

You need to impress on him how scared you really are here.
Even tell him that you are just one step from going to social welfare or the gardai - he needs to take this seriously - and only you can convince him of this.

Denerick

You're mum is going through a hard time at the moment and is clearly having issues. You will have to elaborate on how she hit you; I think nearly everybody has had a clip round the ear from their parents. Personally I don't think thats a big deal unless its actually sustained and mark inducing.

[-0-]

I'm not a parent, neither am I someone coping from being let go and trying to raise a family so I can't put myself in your mother's shoes. If she was never like this before then it is blatantly obvious that she is having issues coping with her newly found situation.

If I were you I would try to make some time for you and your mother. Get her out of the house - go for a walk and a nice chat. Your mother should really be your friend as well and you should be able to talk to her about anything. Try to get close to her again and tell her what's going on in your life, etc.

Right now everyone is off doing their own thing - you at school and your Dad out working but she has nothing so she might be feeling abandoned.

Let her know she's not and that you love her. I'm sure this will all blow over if everyone tries to be there for her. Try to look past what she did and rekindle your relationship.

That's just my 2c and it's what I would do. I hope this helps you.

spinandscribble

I can't believe some of the responses here. The op is SCARED of her mother hitting her. No child should feel that. She shouldn't have to wait until her mom's personal problems are over or just keep reminding herself of her mothers problems to comfort her. Shes using her daughter as a way to vent and losing her job doesn't give her an excuse. She needs to tell her mother in a safe environment (with other people around, hopefully her dad, that if she does it again she'll inform her dad again.

Her mothers reaction to her telling the father says it all. Clearly hitting is not permitted in their household, unlike other households.

I agree OP that you need to approach your mother when she is in a good state of mind. You need to ask her has her feelings changed for you and why is she suddenly hitting you. Tell her how you feel. Like another poster said put it all in a letter since theres a chance she might fly off the handle. keeps a copy for your dad if your mom doesn't change her behaviour.

If she's leaving marks i'd take photos and safe them on a trusted computer (if you have access to one your mother does not). Show them to your father if she doesn't improve.

As far as making you study ect, that can't really be improved upon i'd guess since you're at a age that ou're preparing for the end of secondary school and is probably her way of making sure you do well.

Abuse is abuse, whatever way you swing it. Her mothers old enough to realise what shes doing.

Denerick

spinandscribble wrote: »

I can't believe some of the responses here. The op is SCARED of her mother hitting her. No child should feel that. She shouldn't have to wait until her mom's personal problems are over or just keep reminding herself of her mothers problems to comfort her. Shes using her daughter as a way to vent and losing her job doesn't give her an excuse. She needs to tell her mother in a safe environment (with other people around, hopefully her dad, that if she does it again she'll inform her dad again.

Her mothers reaction to her telling the father says it all. Clearly hitting is not permitted in their household, unlike other households.

I agree OP that you need to approach your mother when she is in a good state of mind. You need to ask her has her feelings changed for you and why is she suddenly hitting you. Tell her how you feel. Like another poster said put it all in a letter since theres a chance she might fly off the handle. keeps a copy for your dad if your mom doesn't change her behaviour.

If she's leaving marks i'd take photos and safe them on a trusted computer (if you have access to one your mother does not). Show them to your father if she doesn't improve.

As far as making you study ect, that can't really be improved upon i'd guess since you're at a age that ou're preparing for the end of secondary school and is probably her way of making sure you do well.

Abuse is abuse, whatever way you swing it. Her mothers old enough to realise what shes doing.

Less of the moral high ground claiming. I'm making an obvious point that most children have been clipped by their parents to no great bad effect. If she's scared of her mother hitting her, thats another issue entirely.

LegacyUser

My mother hits me with a strap. She hardly ever did it before. Now she does it quite often and is always threatening more sever beatings. It is bad enough when she is in control of herself but if she losses it again, I am dead meat. My Dad is not going away until tomorrow this week. I am really worried about tomorrow night.

Taltos

OP - either show him this thread - away from your mum or just go to the gardai right now.

If you know you are in for a beating - then what kind of life is that.
Ignore that poster above - everyone gets a clip. - Utter B*LL*X.

Protect yourself now before it is too late. What excuses will you use when you end up in hospital with a broken arm or worse?
Yes your mum needs help - urgently - but more importantly you do too.

Take your dad to one side and show him this - also tell him everything. Either he will help you or you will have to help yourself by picking up the phone or walking to your local station. They will have been trained how to help you - so don't not go because you are afraid of what people will think or anything like that.

p.s. this is the first we have read of the strap though. Shame that was not called out in the first post.

Dudess

There are some, if well intentioned, recommendations here that the OP "connect" with her mother. I don't know whether that's even possible right now though - I think the OP needs to watch out for herself and her siblings rather than try to bond with/understand her mother. I'm not saying that can't happen at some point, but at the present moment, if the OP is under threat of violence by her mother and terrified of her, it doesn't seem like there's much talking to/reasoning with the woman.

I don't get the point in the "we all got a clip now and again" comment either - what use is that here? The OP has described getting beaten.

nadey

hey listen my mam done the same to me beat with everything in the house when my dad wasn't around and then would be all nice when he was i was even left in hospital many times before over her i know how you feel and what your going threw i left home when i was 17 ( im 19 now ) never went back have a on off relationship with my mam now were not talking now tho

Seriously you should go to a soical working asap and tell them what she's doing to you sounds like she's getting worse or if you dont want to do that try talking with her to sort stuff out if that wont work i really think you should report it either to the garda or a social worker

Andy-Pandy

Hey OP, i dont think anybody has mentioned it yet, but talk to a teacher/headmaster if you feel you cant talk to your dad. Tell them whats happening, there would be processes already in place in school to deal with students that come to them with these type of things. Good luck.

Dave!

I'd say talk to your dad and explain the severity of the situation (ongoing, brutal beatings, and living in constant fear)

If he doesn't take it seriously after that, go to the Gardai, plain and simple

There's no excuse for it, who cares if she's stressed? That's the same excuse people use when they come home from work and bash their spouse

Go to the Gardai

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

p.s. this is the first we have read of the strap though. Shame that was not called out in the first post.

I did not mention it because i am very embarrassed by it. I don't mention it to anyone, even my best friends.

jenny jinks

confused teen wrote: »

I did not mention it because i am very embarrassed by it. I don't mention it to anyone, even my best friends.

You should tell people. one of my friends used to be absolutely thrashed by her mother and never told anyone. we only found out accidentally. We told our parents and a delegation went to her mother about it. It all stopped.