Girl slapping my son in the face: What would you do?

Stella777

Not sure what to do about this. A classmate has slapped my 9 year-old son in the face a couple of times. From what I can tell, she does this for dramatic effect, when she she feels he's not listening to her.

He doesn't hit back. He acts like it's no big deal, but I don't want him to think that people slapping each other is OK. I did gently mention it to the girl's mother. She said that her daughter always been a "drama queen" (her words.) She confirmed that my son isn't getting physical with the girl or even insulting her. Basically, the mother sort of dismissed it.

My son doesn't want me to bring it up with the teacher. I know that if I had a daughter who was being slapped in the face by a boy, I would have already called the school. I hate that I have this double standard.

What would you do?

Khannie

I'd assume the parent will say something to the child. I'd be scarlet on the inside but might try to downplay it to the other parent.

If it happens again I'd bring it up with the teacher. No question about it.

seahorse

Stella777 wrote: »

What would you do?

I'd approach the mother again and tell her to put manners on her daughter bloody pronto, before I reported her child to the school for bullying.

Micky Dolenz

I assume your son is also nine? Does he really belive it's no big deal or is he just saying this to save face.

Forget the teacher, I,d go back to the parent and explain it's not suitable behaviour. I would explain to the parent that hitting is fiorbidden in your family and you don't find it acceptable for it to be happening to your son at school. Being friendly and firm should get the message across.

I would be interested to know where the girl picked up such a habit.

biko

Yeah, you need to emphasise that hitting is not on, neither is being hit.
Bring it up with the teacher now so he/she can monitor them.

spurious

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

I would be interested to know where the girl picked up such a habit.

I'd say we have a fair idea.

Stella777

Both kids are almost 10. They are, according to my son, "kind of friends but not really." I also suspect that there may be a bit of a crush going on from both sides, which further complicates it.

The most recent time she hit him sounded like it came from jealousy when he chose to spend his lunch time with other friends. Apparently, she yelled "where WERE you?" then SLAP!!

I do think there is a great deal of face saving going on here. I'm not really concerned about him being physcially hurt. The slaps are not "that hard" according to my son. He's much bigger and stronger than she is. So from a self-defense standpoint he could stop her if he wanted to. He said that "a gentleman doesn't hit girls.." I responded that nice PEOPLE don't hit other people, period..

I'm more concerned that slapping another person in the face is an act of humiliation. I don't want him growing up thinking he has to accept that just because the person doing it is female.

From what I gather from talking to the other mother, and from what I've observed, the girl sees her life as one big soap opera, with her as the star.

After the first time she slapped him I told him that if it happend again he should say: "Look here, slapping is not cool." And then walk away and ignore her for the rest of the day. That suggestion was met with protests that it would "sound dumb."

He's very much at that age where he's starting to worry about being embarrassed in front of his peers.

cynder

I woudl report her for bulling and is i saw her i would make sure she knew not to slap him again with a frim warning. some parents couldnt give a ***t.

We had /have a neighbour whos son 3 years younger than our daughter kept on hitting her, we approched parent (Single mother) and she didnt care less and didnt want to know. we had to keep her way from him. 4 years later us parents dont talkbut the kids sometimes do and yes he hasnt changed doesnt hit anymore but does other mean stuff.

axel rose

grindelwald wrote: »

I woudl report her for bulling and is i saw her i would make sure she knew not to slap him again with a frim warning. some parents couldnt give a ***t.

We had /have a neighbour whos son 3 years younger than our daughter kept on hitting her, we approched parent (Single mother) and she didnt care less and didnt want to know. we had to keep her way from him. 4 years later us parents dont talkbut the kids sometimes do and yes he hasnt changed doesnt hit anymore but does other mean stuff.

Hello? sorry I missed the relevance of that point.

deisemum

You need to bring this bullying to the teacher's attention. If that girl continues slapping him on the face she may hurt him at some stage and he'll react and probably retaliate, then he'll be the one getting in trouble.

Having 2 boys plus speaking to their friends I have found that they'll generally put up with this sort of behaviour as they do not want to be seen as a tell tale tattler.

Shammy

Sounds like she is a spoilt little brat who is used to getting what she wants . Judging by your posts this is not the first time this has happened , yes yor son is saving face , but in saying that what 9 year old boy would admit to being bullied (especially by a girl)(no offense)
If it were my son i think i would say to the mother again . If the slapping continued i would definatly go further.

cynder

axel rose wrote: »

Hello? sorry I missed the relevance of that point.

POINT : some parents dont give a toss what there kids do.

POINT : some parents dont care their kid is a bully.

POINT: if you see the child who is hitting your kid, tell them to lay there hands off, otherwise teacher and principle will be informed.

trustno1

Stella777 wrote: »

After the first time she slapped him I told him that if it happend again he should say: "Look here, slapping is not cool." And then walk away and ignore her for the rest of the day. That suggestion was met with protests that it would "sound dumb."

He's very much at that age where he's starting to worry about being embarrassed in front of his peers.

What I would do is give him the following options:

A) do as you have very wisely suggested by telling him to ignore her and telling her that 'Slapping is not cool' and walking away.
if he still thinks that this 'sounds dumb' tell him you have no other choice but to go directly to the teacher to get it sorted.

I reckon he would quickly take the first option as he won't want you going to the teacher. I would personally just go to the child and slap her face and tell her if she does it again to him, that I would do it again to her.

Okay.. so I really wouldn't do that last bit.. but wouldn't you love to!!..

axel rose

grindelwald wrote: »

POINT : some parents dont give a toss what there kids do.

POINT : some parents dont care their kid is a bully.

POINT: if you see the child who is hitting your kid, tell them to lay there hands off, otherwise teacher and principle will be informed.

My point was why you felt the need to point out that the parent in question was in your own words

(Single mother)

Gurgle

Forget talking to parents, its happening in school so talk to the teacher.

Mr. Presentable

If it is happening in school the school needs to know so they aren't exposed to a legal action. The school will have a strict policy on bullying and a system for dealing with it. Which is pointless if they are not aware of it.

Report the matter to either their liaison officer or the principal. Your son need not know you have done so, but it means they will keep an eye for it.

emanresu

axel rose wrote: »

Hello? sorry I missed the relevance of that point.

axel rose wrote: »

My point was why you felt the need to point out that the parent in question was in your own words (Single mother)

I don't think anything was meant by mentioning that the parent was a single mother except to explain why they only spoke to one parent instead of two parents. (Someone may have wondered why they didn't talk to the other parent).

axel rose

I didnt read that at all, nor did I wonder why the op only spoke to the childs mother

Hagar

Teach you son not to allow himself to be hit by anybody for any reason. Everything else is secondary. There won't always be someone there to defend him.

Ickle Magoo

69 wrote: »

Teach you son not to allow himself to be hit by anybody for any reason. Everything else is secondary. There won't always be someone there to defend him.

I would say that too, if the slapping is bothering him then stay away from the girl doing the slapping and he should tell her why he doesn't want to be near her. If he keeps to her company despite the fact she's hitting him then I think that's a bigger issue...

ETA: If someone at school is getting physically violent with my child, I would be at the school pronto - it wouldn't make any difference if it was my son or daughter or the bully male or female...

seahorse

emanresu wrote: »

I don't think anything was meant by mentioning that the parent was a single mother except to explain why they only spoke to one parent instead of two parents. (Someone may have wondered why they didn't talk to the other parent).

Yeah right, I'm sure that was the reason. Nothing to do with single mother bashing or anything..:rolleyes:

OP this childs mother is dismissing your son being physically assaulted here and it is your job to defend him. Don't accept this parents dismissive attitude. Would she be so dismissive if her child was being assaulted? Maybe you should ask her that. Her daughter is humiliating your son publicly and deliberately for her own amusement. No way in hell would any spoiled little wagon get away with treating my son like that.

jupiter00

I have had an experience like this recently and the very good advice given here is to inform thr teacher and principal. Of course your son doesn't want you to go in the classroom, it would be better to arrange for a quick phonecall to the teacher or have the school secretary give the letter to the teacher so your son isn't embarassed about it. I wouldn't approach another parent about this, it could be taken the wrong way by them, people interpret things differently! At least your son told you what was going on and you will have recorded this with the school.

Nevyn

Get on to the school asap.

bullpost

I would agree with telling the school.
For this girls own protection as well, because eventually she will pick on the wrong child and will end up getting thumped.
My guess is that when this happens an even bigger drama queen will appear in the shape of her Mother.

deisemum

bullpost wrote: »

I would agree with telling the school.
For this girls own protection as well, because eventually she will pick on the wrong child and will end up getting thumped.
My guess is that when this happens an even bigger drama queen will appear in the shape of her Mother.

Spot on, that's why I think it's important that the teacher is informed of what's happening and not wait until this happens and then it will be the boy in the wrong.

The Corinthian

I think the girl will suffer for this in later life. She will never develop her ability to argue or reason with others, because she resorts to physical responses instead. As a result, she will grow up socially stunted as a result.

As to the OP's son, if both this girl and her mother condone such double standards, then play by their rules. The boy should be told that he is not allowed to socialize with her any more. If asked why, explain that such behaviour is something that one would expect of a whore or slapper, and it is better he has nothing to do with her.

Double standards often cut both ways.

sarahlulu

You have tried speaking reasonably to the childs mother, which has not worked. The next step has to be the school. I would agree with the earlier post though, that a phone call is the way to go, as your son will be embarrassed by you going to the classroom in person. Good luck, horrible situation for both you and your son.

gooch2k9

Teach the kid to defend himself. As far as i know blocking someone from hitting you doesn't involve hitting them. Then tell her to stop. Sooner the boy learns to fight his own battles the better.

The Corinthian

The Corinthian wrote: »

As to the OP's son, if both this girl and her mother condone such double standards, then play by their rules. The boy should be told that he is not allowed to socialize with her any more. If asked why, explain that such behaviour is something that one would expect of a whore or slapper, and it is better he has nothing to do with her.

.

???

Why would you use such words as whore and slapper when talking to your 9 year old child. That is shocking advice.

OP tell the teacher, tell her that you don't want to make a big fuss of it for now but you want it to be noted that it is happening. If it happens again speak to the mother and tell her that you if it continues you will take it further, and make sure you do.

Stella777

gooch2k9 wrote: »

Teach the kid to defend himself. As far as i know blocking someone from hitting you doesn't involve hitting them. Then tell her to stop. Sooner the boy learns to fight his own battles the better.

He does know how to defend himself. Thing is, it's not like the typical school yard fight with a bully or "enemy" where he sees it coming. While they are not close friends, they do have many friends in common. The girl tends to be one of those Queen Bee types. One minute they are talking normally enough. Then out of the blue she slaps him if she thinks he's not paying enough attention to her. It would be a much easier situation if she were someone he didn't like at all. She's done the same thing to other boys that are her "friends" FWIW. And I agree with the poster who said it's not even good for the girl herself to be allowed to do this, because one days she's going to slap the wrong boy who WILL hit back and she's going to get hurt.

I guess I need to have a quiet talk with the teacher in private. It happened again after my original talk with the mother, which leads me to believe that she does not see it as a problem.

The Corinthian

Deleted User wrote: »

Why would you use such words as whore and slapper when talking to your 9 year old child. That is shocking advice.

And you think physical violence is more acceptable?

If nether the mother or the daughter think it is a problem for a girl to hit a boy, then you have to give them a reason that it is a problem using the same logic that permits such behaviour in their eyes.

The Corinthian

The Corinthian wrote: »

And you think physical violence is more acceptable?

Absolutely not, hence I gave a suggestion to a solution

If nether the mother or the daughter think it is a problem for a girl to hit a boy, then you have to give them a reason that it is a problem using the same logic that permits such behaviour in their eyes.

It is not fair on the son to use this language, he will want to know what whore and slapper mean. Do you think it is fair to expose him to this language? I see what you're getting at, but I don't agree with the way you trying to achieve it.

Quandary

Stella777 wrote: »

She's done the same thing to other boys that are her "friends" FWIW.

Maybe it would be worth while mentioning it to the parents of the other boys who are also being bullied. Im sure the other parents wouldnt take too kindly to what is happening either. If more parents other than yourself contact the teacher regarding the same problem girl then im sure the situation would be rectified very quickly!

Best of luck...

The Corinthian

Deleted User wrote: »

It is not fair on the son to use this language, he will want to know what whore and slapper mean. Do you think it is fair to expose him to this language?

I see your point (although by nine he'll already know a lot worse, tbh). Slapper is a less aggressive word IMO, as would "not the right type of girl" be, while still getting the message across.

The Corinthian

The Corinthian wrote: »

, as would "not the right type of girl" be, while still getting the message across.

I agree with this

Just think it's wrong of parents to encourage the use of such language in previous posts. If he goes into school calling her a whore or a slapper (although strangely slapper would be appropriate!!) he could end up in the principals office himself and poor stella would have to explain why she told her son the girl was a whore :eek:

Stella777

The Corinthian wrote: »

I see your point (although by nine he'll already know a lot worse, tbh). Slapper is a less aggressive word IMO, as would "not the right type of girl" be, while still getting the message across.

actually we are in the US and only spend summers in Ireland. (my spouse is Irish.) Here, the word slapper does not have the same meaning that it does there (like slut or whatever.) In the US it literally just means "a person who slaps"..Which is apprently what she is, I suppose ha ha..(sorry, just trying to find a little humor in a not-so-funny situation.)

If he called her a slapper, she wouldn't get it anyway. The ironic thing is that they happen to be in the same ballroom dancing and etiquette class. So her parents must care about manners to some degree. Maybe he could tell her that she is "not comporting herself like an elegant young lady"??? :rolleyes:

The Corinthian

Stella777 wrote: »

If he called her a slapper, she wouldn't get it anyway. The ironic thing is that they happen to be in the same ballroom dancing and etiquette class. So her parents must care about manners to some degree. Maybe he could tell her that she is "not comporting herself like an elegant young lady"??? :rolleyes:

The terminology is not that important, feel free to fill in your own. My suggestion was simply to use the same logic that dismisses her violence as acceptable back on both her and, in particular, her mother.

TargetWidow

It's really very simple and not couched in language anyone can find offensive. He needs to say "Do not hit me again". He needs to have a chat with you about how he feels about it himself, whether it is him or you that has the problem with it. This is a good opportunity to open up a good dialog with him. It's not a gender difference issue. Slapping is never ok regardless of who the perpetrator is. If she is using it to get his attention, it must be working, as we usually only carry on behaviours that are effective for us. Maybe he needs to acknowledge this to her and say "Look I need you to stop slapping me, but I see you are annoyed with me. You need to find a better way to get my attention if you want it." Hope this helps.

miss no stars

"Ya know... it's really pathetic when you do things like that. Real sad and pathetic"

say it emotionlessly then just walk away. She's the same age as him, if he looks more mature she sure as hell isn't gonna want to look like an immature loser.

The Corinthian

miss no stars wrote: »

say it emotionlessly then just walk away. She's the same age as him, if he looks more mature she sure as hell isn't gonna want to look like an immature loser.

She'll probably just hit him again anyway.

I think people are making the mistake that one can reason with either her or her mother. The OP has tried this and this has been dismissed by them. It will never make any effect on them - that's just how things are sometimes with some people. "Do not hit me again" won't even register as there is nothing to back it up, no downside whatsoever for the girl.

The only options I would see are to use psychology based upon their logic to turn it back on them so that they both realize that hitting has consequences, escalating this to the school or breaking all contact with them (forbidding the child to speak to the girl).

finty

The Corinthian wrote: »

I think the girl will suffer for this in later life. She will never develop her ability to argue or reason with others, because she resorts to physical responses instead. As a result, she will grow up socially stunted as a result.

As to the OP's son, if both this girl and her mother condone such double standards, then play by their rules. The boy should be told that he is not allowed to socialize with her any more. If asked why, explain that such behaviour is something that one would expect of a whore or slapper, and it is better he has nothing to do with her.

Double standards often cut both ways.

Crazy advice there.

Are you seriously suggesting telling a 9 year old that anyone who does something bad to them is a "whore or slapper"?

This CHILD might grow out of this behavior but your child going around thinking the world is full of "whores and slappers"will surely be the one who ends up socially stunted.

OP you have spoken to the parent, now inform the school. It's not acceptable behaviour, neither is branding children whores!!!

Simple as.

The Corinthian

finty wrote: »

Crazy advice there.

You might read what followed from that post, as the discussion did move on even if you stopped reading.

the_syco

OP, inform the school. I'd say it's only a matter of time before someone has a bad day, and punches the slapper in the mouth. And then whoever hit her will be in a world of sh|t.

And as you're in the US, this will probably mean lawsuit.

finty

Oh I did.

The Corinthian wrote: »

The only options I would see are to use psychology based upon their logic to turn it back on them so that they both realize that hitting has consequences, escalating this to the school or breaking all contact with them (forbidding the child to speak to the girl).

You've advocated labelling a 9 year old child in 2 posts after your whore or slapper post.

I presumed your psychology based approach mentioned above was based around the same principle.

Doesn't look like the discussion had moved on to me.



OP inform the school, the only people who can deal with this effectively are the school authorities.

TargetWidow

Goodness forbid anyone might want an opportunity to teach the child how to be emotionally honest. I'm shocked at the level of gameplaying some posters here are saying should be taught to this child.

I say let him confront the situation without any plan other than expressing his needs honestly and laying down an acceptable boundary and possible consequence for this girl (eg I won't let you hit me anymore. If you hit me again we can't hang out.) You might actually end up with a fairly decent specimen of a young man if you teach him to be straight. He's got to want the outcome of this for himself though. And maybe it might take getting a few more slaps before he wants it enough to deal with it himself.

Sleepy

Am I the only one who'd tell the kid to hit back?

The Corinthian

finty wrote: »

You've advocated labelling a 9 year old child in 2 posts after your whore or slapper post.

It would be mild compared to what I would call her if it was my son she was hitting.

I presumed your psychology based approach mentioned above was based around the same principle.

Doesn't look like the discussion had moved on to me.

Looks like it has to me given that those terms were no longer being suggested. Maybe you just switched off because of them.

OP inform the school, the only people who can deal with this effectively are the school authorities.

Depends on the school authorities in question.

The Corinthian

Sleepy wrote: »

Am I the only one who'd tell the kid to hit back?

P. J. ORourke in Modern Manners' wrote:

How much fame, money, and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?

Seriously though, however justified one may feel to advise the boy thus, it would probably end up with him getting into trouble, because he is a boy and she's a girl.

Also I'm not certain that giving the boy the lesson that violence is able to solve problems is the best one to give any child.

On the other hand...

Robert A. Heinlein in Starship Troopers wrote:

'Violence never settles anything.'

'So? I'm sure the city fathers of Carthage would be glad to know that.'

Nevyn

The boy needs to learn that it is not acceptable behaviour and to tell the teacher and report it and have confidence to do so.

The girl needs to learn that it is not acceptable behavior and that actions have consequences, seems her parents a negligent in the area and it is just as well the school will have a policy on not hitting and the school should be informed.

Taltos

You need to nip this in the bud asap.
Why - I was in school with a girl like this. When 11 she kicked her "boyfriend" for the exact same reason - he ignored her for some other friends. Upshot was she crushed a testicle.

Wish the appropriate action had been taken earlier for that girl - you have a chance her to stop this escalating - take it.

Micky Dolenz

Sleepy wrote: »

Am I the only one who'd tell the kid to hit back?

Maybe I'm old school, but no son of mine will raise a hand to a girl, regardless of age.