Jaded Towards Society...

LegacyUser

*Regular Boardsie going incognito*

Over the last few months, I've found myself becoming slowly colder towards society in general. People depress me so much that I'm decided they are unworthy of my care and understanding. The main reason for my lack of faith in humanity?

Broken trust.

For as long as I can remember, people have betrayed my trust, made promises they had no intention of keeping and generally played me for a fool. This can be as trivial as standing me up for a lunch date or as serious as promising to stop a destructive habit only to break it after a week.

I used to be a person who trusted easily. I used to make excuses, put these betrayals and doubts to the back of my mind and pretend that it's "no big deal, people make mistakes" even though it was painfully obvious that things were not rosy in the garden.

But do they? Do people truely make mistakes?

Lately, I find the lines between "mistake" and "deliberate lie" are becoming increasingly blurred. Time and time again, I invest trust in people only to have it broken.
People take advantage of my good nature, using me as an ATM, a "designated driver" or a flunky simply because they think I won't kick up a fuss.

They know I won't say no after years of heartache, lies and betrayal have all but killed my sense of self confidence and asseriveness. I had becme a human doormat and instead of doing the rational thing of speaking out and standing up for myself, I simply swept issues under the carpet, forced myself to grit my teeth and smile, to pretend it's "no big deal".

Well, it *IS* a big deal.

I'm so tired of being used or treated like a soft-shell who can't fend for herself.

A few years ago, I decided enough was enough and vowed to make a stand. After years of putting up with people's selfish behavior and neglecting my own needs trying to keep everyone else and their dog happy, I decided to stop letting myself get brow beaten into agreeing for the sake of keeping the peace.

Slowly but surely, I started fighting back.

If someone repeatedly came to be looking for money I couldn't give, I said NO.
If someone expected me to do all their dirty work, give them notes on a lecture they couldn't be bothered attending or fix something they could easily repair themselves, I stood my ground and refused.

Whenever my trust was betrayed, I spoke out about it. I tried to be rational, logical and calm about this, regardless of the fact that at times, my heart could be breaking or I would be filled with liquid hot rage towards the person in front of me.

I was finally taking a stand, coming into my own as an assertive person and learning that it's not the end of the world if I refuse to pander to the whims of selfish or leecherous people.

Was this sudden display of of self confidence and reason commended?

Was it ****!

Thanks to the simple act of standing up for my principals, I have gone from being labeled as a "soft touch" to a "bitch".

People call me 'cold', 'arrogent', 'misantropic' and 'difficult'. If I try to protest against it, I'm percieved as whinging and throwing a strop. Yet, if I walk away from a fight without an exchange of heated words or actions, I'm branded a 'stubborn, selfish little bitch'.

I feel I cannot win anymore.

What is the point in trying to reason with people if they will only put me down if I dare to fight back using words as a weapon? What is the point anymore? I'm a bitch if I do and a doormat if I don't. There is no neutral ground, no grey area.

No matter what action I take, someone always has to stick the knife in and twist it, making me feel like less than nothing.

It's gotten to the point where I've regressed to my former self-I let it go to avoid the subsequent arguements, tantrums and fights I know I can't win. In turn, I view people in a dim light.

People have been so consumed with taking everything from me with little in the way of protest that they've come to expect it. My money, my trivial material goods, my pride, dignity and sanity-all eroded away by people unworthy of trust.

Now, I trust no-one. I've become a shell of my former self. All I tend to feel these days is anger, resentment and ill-diguised contempt for society as a whole.
Yes, it's wrong of me to pigeon-hole everyone based on the actions of a small minority but those actions have eroded me down so completly that my raw nerves and precariously fragile sanity have forced me to judge before knowing.

It is a defense mechanism and one that can only cause more pain than its' worth.
I never wanted to become bitter and jaded with society-at least, not until I became a crotchety old woman who'd been around the block enough times to justify the views.

Instead, I am a bitter, jaded and out-and-out depressed twenty-something woman who is loathe to interact with society out of fear of being chewed up and spat out.

I can't keep fighting anymore.

Speak out and I'm chastised for being "difficult" and "stubborn."
Keep my head down, force a smile and pander to their needs to avoid an arguement, I'm labelled "a soft touch" and "a pushover."
Try to instil reason and explain my actions, I'm fobbed off as "selfish" and "whiney".

What am I supposed to do?

I'm so tired of being sick and tired.

Victor

You sound like you need a break from these people. Some of them don't seem to actually be friends.

I think many people have similar problems as some level or other. Many people mistake study or work colleagues for "friends" and those people take advantage, leaving everyone a little bit cynical. Many "users" try to pull the "but I thought we were friends" line to pull at your heart strings. Others, so used to their parents looking after them, either don't know how to look after themselves (I was a bit like that at 18 living with my sister for the summer) or will try to ise everyone as proxy Mammys.

Ideally we need to strike a balance of excluding the free-riders while being charitable (in all sense of the word) to others. Its OK to give people a treat now and again

A few things:

1. It would be worthwhile studying confidence and assertiveness - I'm not sure what course are available, but if you are still in college, the counselling service may run short course.

2. Next time you are at the doctor's mention that things are getting you a bit down.

3. Take some time to sit down and just have cup of tea and a chat with someone and explain how you feel about things.

prinz

Just be careful OP. There is a fine line between assertiveness and standing up for yourself, and just being rude/unhelpful etc. There's no need to be a push-over but at the same time there's no need to withhold help/friendship etc if someone needs or wants it from you.

P.S. look into using creative writing as a form of therapy for yourself. Seems to me you've got some skill in that area.

LegacyUser

Already booked to see the doctor tomorrow for what I'm convinced is a stress-related problem. In regards to sitting down wth a cup of tea and talking to someone, it seems an impossible feat to achieve. Everyone else have their own lives going on to the point where asking for just 5 minutes of their time is asking too much.

These people take so much from me but rarely if ever give anything back.
I've tried talking to my mother but if I ever say to her "Sometimes, you do things that I don't agree with-" she will cut me off, refuse to let me finish and go off on a tangrent at how ungrateful I'm behaving.

Everyone else in my immediate family is the same-rounding on me when I try to explain to them why I'm acting so depressed. It gets to the stage where I've given up trying to talk to them as I know all too well that it gets me nowhere.

The only reprive from this onslaught of stress is the Samaritans but the emails leave me cold sometimes. A one-on-one talk with someone neutral who won't jump down my throat is all I ask but apparently, that's too big a request.

Some days, I wake up and want to just stab the first leech who breathes in my general direction. On other days, I feel a hair's breath from stabbing myself in an attempt to feel something other than this crushing defeat. Even if it means feeling physical pain, that would at least be easier to deal with than facing this unrelenting mental anguish day in and day out. I rarely act on these sort of thoughts-one more scar will not stop the hurting.

Sometimes I wish these people would pile into a car, have an accident and be wiped from the face of the Earth just so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

Sometimes I want to be the driver.

Living like this is slowly killing me on the inside and I hate it. I hate looking at my family and wishing such horrific things upon them. I hate being rejected at every turn if I ask for help, getting fobbed off by a doctor who tells me "I need to get out more".

I hate being single, unemployed and at home with my parents. I hate feeling like the world has left me behind. Most of all, I hate myself for hating everything. Typing these words and reading them back, I feel more like a whiny teenage brat than a legal adult.

I know I should be grateful to be alive and to have a roof over my head but don't feel content. There is no peace in my life, only stress. I can't cope and I'm sinking further into the sand little by little as the days blur together.

There is no-one I can turn to about this. The comfort of strangers on the internet is a welcome reprieve but I know I need proper help. Tomorrow, I go to my doctor but I already know she will dimiss my concerns as trivial.

Lord knows I've tried before. Always the same answer: "Grit your teeth, grow a pair and get on with it."

Makes me want to cry with frustration.

Victor

prinz wrote: »

Just be careful OP. There is a fine line between assertiveness and standing up for yourself, and just being rude/unhelpful etc.

For clarity, assertive essentially means "I'm important and so are you". There is a tendency, and I suffered it myself to equate assertive with agresssive.

Anon_IRL.Joe

I can totally sympathise with you. I feel very much the same as you and I've been met with similar comments of being arrogant if I stand up for myself or "kind/polite" if not.

I agree with Victor. Some people like to act like friends by hanging around with people to keep things on good ground because they know they can benefit from your kindness or knowledge. Whenever I was at school, people constantly harassed me to help them with their work or cheat from me in tests or if I was good at something, they'd only keep in contact with me to get it.

I think its ok to do things for people since its a good way to start off a friendship but with limits. Limits depend from person to person but basically if someone constantly asks for stuff from you (get notes, drop off home from a bar/party etc.). Set it in your head that you'll do it two or three times and thats it until you see some return. Relationships are all about give and take. If its all give, then the person you're "friends" with doesn't deserve your friendship.

I think to avoid being seen as arrogant or bitchy, try to contain your frustration with that person. If they ask for money or something, just politely say "sorry, I can't because I'm saving up for something" or whatever excuse just to make that person understand that they can't borrow from you but can't be perceived as being arrogant or unfair.

Also, with people like that, you don't have to be friends with them. You can be civil (at college, hanging out with friends whose friends with them etc.) but just keep it that way so you don't have to meet up with them. Just keep contact to a minimum.

Anon_IRL.Joe

NegetiveNancy wrote: »

Already booked to see the doctor tomorrow for what I'm convinced is a stress-related problem. In regards to sitting down wth a cup of tea and talking to someone, it seems an impossible feat to achieve. Everyone else have their own lives going on to the point where asking for just 5 minutes of their time is asking too much.

These people take so much from me but rarely if ever give anything back.
I've tried talking to my mother but if I ever say to her "Sometimes, you do things that I don't agree with-" she will cut me off, refuse to let me finish and go off on a tangrent at how ungrateful I'm behaving.

Everyone else in my immediate family is the same-rounding on me when I try to explain to them why I'm acting so depressed. It gets to the stage where I've given up trying to talk to them as I know all too well that it gets me nowhere.

The only reprive from this onslaught of stress is the Samaritans but the emails leave me cold sometimes. A one-on-one talk with someone neutral who won't jump down my throat is all I ask but apparently, that's too big a request.

Some days, I wake up and want to just stab the first leech who breathes in my general direction. On other days, I feel a hair's breath from stabbing myself in an attempt to feel something other than this crushing defeat. Even if it means feeling physical pain, that would at least be easier to deal with than facing this unrelenting mental anguish day in and day out. I rarely act on these sort of thoughts-one more scar will not stop the hurting.

Sometimes I wish these people would pile into a car, have an accident and be wiped from the face of the Earth just so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

Sometimes I want to be the driver.

Living like this is slowly killing me on the inside and I hate it. I hate looking at my family and wishing such horrific things upon them. I hate being rejected at every turn if I ask for help, getting fobbed off by a doctor who tells me "I need to get out more".

I hate being single, unemployed and at home with my parents. I hate feeling like the world has left me behind. Most of all, I hate myself for hating everything. Typing these words and reading them back, I feel more like a whiny teenage brat than a legal adult.

I know I should be grateful to be alive and to have a roof over my head but don't feel content. There is no peace in my life, only stress. I can't cope and I'm sinking further into the sand little by little as the days blur together.

There is no-one I can turn to about this. The comfort of strangers on the internet is a welcome reprieve but I know I need proper help. Tomorrow, I go to my doctor but I already know she will dimiss my concerns as trivial.

Lord knows I've tried before. Always the same answer: "Grit your teeth, grow a pair and get on with it."

Makes me want to cry with frustration.

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling that way

Ickle Magoo

NegetiveNancy wrote: »

Tomorrow, I go to my doctor but I already know she will dimiss my concerns as trivial.

Lord knows I've tried before. Always the same answer: "Grit your teeth, grow a pair and get on with it."

Makes me want to cry with frustration.

So don't let them dismiss you, demand a second opinion, change doctors, go to a therapist. There is no reason why you "must" grit your teeth and get on with things when you feel so awful.

I agree with Victor, the first thing I thought when I read your post was "Jeez, get away from these people!". Can you transfer course or move somewhere new where no one knew the old you that got walked all over and will only know you as the assertive person you are now?

Sometimes you just got to pick your battles, if someone is really getting you down or calling you a bitch - cut them out your life. If family is not meeting your needs then lower your expectations and avoid having those kind of interactions with them so you don't get disappointed or feel let down - or write letters so they can't cut you off?

Hope you get on at the Doc's, best of luck.

Victor

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling that way

Please don't hesitate to hit me up with a PM if you want to talk. I'm here.

http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055624068

It is not the done thing on the PI or RI forums to ask an OP to pm/msn/skype/email you. This is done for two reasons:

To protect those from trolls and other possible unsavory people posting on the internet when they may be in a vulnerable state. Threads on PI/RI are monitored by the mods so that bad and dangerous advice is not permitted and deemed unhelpful.

To protect posters from trolls and unsavory people posting on the internet who pose as a person needing help and advice and so that posters do not end up locked in to a pm exchange with someone they can not help.

Anon_IRL.Joe

Sorry, I didn't know about that rule. My post has been edited.

LegacyUser

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

I can totally sympathise with you. I feel very much the same as you and I've been met with similar comments of being arrogant if I stand up for myself or "kind/polite" if not.

I agree with Victor. Some people like to act like friends by hanging around with people to keep things on good ground because they know they can benefit from your kindness or knowledge. Whenever I was at school, people constantly harassed me to help them with their work or cheat from me in tests or if I was good at something, they'd only keep in contact with me to get it.

I think its ok to do things for people since its a good way to start off a friendship but with limits. Limits depend from person to person but basically if someone constantly asks for stuff from you (get notes, drop off home from a bar/party etc.). Set it in your head that you'll do it two or three times and thats it until you see some return. Relationships are all about give and take. If its all give, then the person you're "friends" with doesn't deserve your friendship.

I think to avoid being seen as arrogant or bitchy, try to contain your frustration with that person. If they ask for money or something, just politely say "sorry, I can't because I'm saving up for something" or whatever excuse just to make that person understand that they can't borrow from you but can't be perceived as being arrogant or unfair.

Also, with people like that, you don't have to be friends with them. You can be civil (at college, hanging out with friends whose friends with them etc.) but just keep it that way so you don't have to meet up with them. Just keep contact to a minimum.

What if the majority of these people happen to be family members? No matter how often I lock the door and pretend I'm not home, there's no avoiding them. I refuse one little thing, being poliete as gritted teeth will allow but no-I get the "Aww, sure, you can save next week! I only want a few bob off ye!".

Next week comes and they want something else yet if I say I already gave them something last week and remind them, they get defensive, call me names, yell at me for being difficult and make my life a misery until I relent and give in just to get them off my back.

That's the main crux of the problem: I could battle it out for days over these issues, making a point of reminding them of promises they made to change but it goes no-where.

I'm being calm and reasonable (to the best of my abilities anyways) and they are getting more and more agitated to the point where I feel it will never end.
So, I give in. Even if it's painfully obvious that they are in the wrong, I let them win because I don't want to fight anymore and thus, the cycle begins all over again.

I give in so they won't make life difficult, so I can get them off my back and buy a few fleeting moments of peace. I've already cut a vast majority of people out of my life because they refused to give up on using me for their own gain.

Now, I have no friends to speak of other than a teenaged cousin who's friendship is a great comfort. Even so, I don't wish to burden her with my troubles and whilst I've spoken to her in the past about certain worries, I am hesitant to go into detail as she too suffers with her own problems and unrealistic family expectations.

When she is gone, I am alone with only a journal or the internet to keep me company.

The few friends I once had in secondary were little more than aquintences and I've seen hide nor hair of them since I graduated all of five years ago. A handful of them are either busy with college, live at opposite ends of the country or turned into enemies for whatever reasons.

I always had great difficulties in forming friendships on account of the aforementioned trust issues so my social network is microscopic to say the least.

force majeure

First thing is first and thats yourself, you are 100% correct in your new stance you simply can not keep bailing every one out while getting bugger all in return.
Friendship is not an easy thing to come across and a true test off a friend is one who never takes advantage off you. If thats all people have being doing in the passed they you have being taken in by them and they deserve to be put in their place.
As for what they call you now return the complement and see how they like it.
What you need now is to get out and about get to know new people no like in night clubs or any thing just in general, walking in the park going to a gym or anything at all to get you out and about.
just keep it in mind its your life and you can do as you please.
All the best
FM

Anon_IRL.Joe

NegetiveNancy wrote: »

What if the majority of these people happen to be family members? No matter how often I lock the door and pretend I'm not home, there's no avoiding them. I refuse one little thing, being poliete as gritted teeth will allow but no-I get the "Aww, sure, you can save next week! I only want a few bob off ye!".

Next week comes and they want something else yet if I say I already gave them something last week and remind them, they get defensive, call me names, yell at me for being difficult and make my life a misery until I relent and give in just to get them off my back.

That's the main crux of the problem: I could battle it out for days over these issues, making a point of reminding them of promises they made to change but it goes no-where.

I'm being calm and reasonable (to the best of my abilities anyways) and they are getting more and more agitated to the point where I feel it will never end.
So, I give in. Even if it's painfully obvious that they are in the wrong, I let them win because I don't want to fight anymore and thus, the cycle begins all over again.

I give in so they won't make life difficult, so I can get them off my back and buy a few fleeting moments of peace. I've already cut a vast majority of people out of my life because they refused to give up on using me for their own gain.

Now, I have no friends to speak of other than a teenaged cousin who's friendship is a great comfort. Even so, I don't wish to burden her with my troubles and whilst I've spoken to her in the past about certain worries, I am hesitant to go into detail as she too suffers with her own problems and unrealistic family expectations.

When she is gone, I am alone with only a journal or the internet to keep me company.

The few friends I once had in secondary were little more than aquintences and I've seen hide nor hair of them since I graduated all of five years ago. A handful of them are either busy with college, live at opposite ends of the country or turned into enemies for whatever reasons.

I always had great difficulties in forming friendships on account of the aforementioned trust issues so my social network is microscopic to say the least.

You're almost a carbon copy of me!

If they constantly harass you, take it to an assertive stance. They may not like you but that is their problem and not yours. I know how you mean you don't want to cause fights which would lead to an uneasy atmosphere. Its a harsh and difficult thing to do if you don't have people outside of that group to talk with but hold on to your dignity. Remember to yourself that you're the one who is in the right and they're in the wrong and really take pride in it.

In terms of making friends, definitely consider taking part in something. Try to look at your hobbies or people who are in a similar situation to yourself and make an effort to connect and be friends with them. I assure you that there are people who have the same views as you and appreciate friendships in the same way.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I often feel this way. Luckily my family are good people and they are my refuge from some of the horrible people in society. I've lost so many friends over the years because of trust.
I sometimes feel I am weird in that I've lost friends and am always making new friends.
I'm a good person. WOuld do anything for a friend but I've been let done so many times.

Sometimes I feel what's the point. But then you meet nice people and your faith in people has been restored.

Is there anyway you can move out of your family home? Can you get rent allowance. It's important your home is your refuge and it seems you have no escape from your home or work/college life. You need a break.

And get your GP to refer you to a therapist. The GP has to take you seriously if you mention you are depressed and are talking about harming yourself.

I was having a really crap time in college a couple of years ago. I had nobody at all to talk to about my problems and I talked to the college counsellor and she was brilliant. Really helped me through things.

Talk to someone and hopefully you will feel better.

Good luck OP

tenchi-fan

Hi

Can I give you some advice... you can't change people but you can change yourself.

First off, judge people by their actions. That way you don't need to worry whether something is a "mistake" or a "deliberate lie." If someone arranged one thing but did another - just judge them by their actions. It will save you a lot of inner turmoil wondering what they meant to do. That is the #1 way to weed out bad friends and judge bothersome workmates and family members.

Next, stop speaking out! It puts people on the defensive, and you don't need that. You're making yourself angry and being an angry person because of it. You just need the confidence to be firm but polite. Abruptly storming out of an argument is just as bad as a shouting match sometimes. If someone looks for a good argument just don't get drawn in. It might be helpful to offer a compromise e.g. "I'm too busy to do this, but if you need a hand going over it later I can help you then." Never argue in public either.

Finally, have realistic expectations of people. It sounds like you're looking for an awful lot from people. If a friend arranges to meet you for coffee but then finds something better to do - big deal! Just try to have a wider circle of friends that you can do something better too. If they stand you up a couple of times, next time they offer to meet you just tell them you have something else planned (ie judge them by their actions, and modify YOUR behaviour). If your family are getting you down well, judge them by their actions too - and don't be afraid to distance yourself from them a little to remedy the situation.

I'd also advise you to never mix money and family or friends. You have enough to worry about without the politics of money involved. Many people will actually resent being in debt to you (and subconsciously begin to resent you!), even if you thought you were doing them a favour.
In college... if someone _isn't_ your friend and they ask you for your notes, just say "sorry, my notes are private and I don't lend them." It's fair, you gave them a reason - if they start arguing just apologise once again, say "at the end of the day it is my decision and I hope you can respect it." Let them rant, and let them storm off but make sure you keep your head!! If they bitch behind your back, people will think "hmm, that girl was very polite .. & why should she lend out her notes just because you were too lazy to go to class!"

Just try to appear to be a more relaxed and happier person, even if you feel it isn't true. I can be quite angry at times but a lot of people I hardly know say "oh you're so nice" because I try to be polite and friendly... it actually works. I make sure not to lose my temper in front of them because I don't want them to know what i used to consider the "real" me.

deadpoet

I'll keep this brief. I went through a strikingly similar outlook for many years before, mainly through 2004-2008 when I began to see society for what it really was. It seemed most people around me lacked compassion and empathy, and many seemed shallow, mundane and pretentious. It was only when I began to systematically remove anyone in my life that evoked negative emotions and substitued them for positive people that the positivity and happiness I sought began to usher forth. I did this substitution technique with everything from people to places and eventually completely changed my life around to suit me instead of catering my life to other people. The result was my own reality, my own personal heaven on earth and waking up to the person I am, the life I lead and the oppertunites it lays before me is indescribably satisfying.

pfishfood

I think that you should try to cut these people who are having a negative effect on you out of your life. Both yours and deadpoet's posts could have been written by me at different stages in my life.

I'll keep this brief. I went through a strikingly similar outlook for many years before, mainly through 2004-2008 when I began to see society for what it really was. It seemed most people around me lacked compassion and empathy, and many seemed shallow, mundane and pretentious. It was only when I began to systematically remove anyone in my life that evoked negative emotions and substitued them for positive people that the positivity and happiness I sought began to usher forth. I did this substitution technique with everything from people to places and eventually completely changed my life around to suit me instead of catering my life to other people. The result was my own reality, my own personal heaven on earth and waking up to the person I am, the life I lead and the oppertunites it lays before me is indescribably satisfying.

Perhaps with the family situation you should tell them that you simply don't have the money and have put it into a savings account. I went through a period where i would say no and if things got ugly i would walk away and ignore the person and continue to ignore the person for as long as it took. Is there any possibility that you could move out?

perhaps you should start asking these people for a few bob before they can ask you.

LegacyUser

pfishfood wrote: »

I think that you should try to cut these people who are having a negative effect on you out of your life. Both yours and deadpoet's posts could have been written by me at different stages in my life.



Perhaps with the family situation you should tell them that you simply don't have the money and have put it into a savings account. I went through a period where i would say no and if things got ugly i would walk away and ignore the person and continue to ignore the person for as long as it took. Is there any possibility that you could move out?

perhaps you should start asking these people for a few bob before they can ask you.

At the moment, moving out is not financially fessible. As I am on the dole, I can scarcely afford to feed and clothe myself, much less save any real amount of money.
I was let go from my mergre job last month and have yet to find any gainful employement short of selling fast food.

Having just gotten back from the doctor, I find that my outlook has changed somewhat.
I was unable to seek proper help for my depression as my physical health has suddenly taken top priority over my mental wellness and I was unable to discuss the matter due to being blind-sided by a sudden drop in my wellbeing.

To make a long story short, I've been diagnosed with suspected appendicitis, no doubt compounded by the stress of day-to-day living.

I am frightened-this is the first time my health has truely been at risk. In 3 days, I'm faced with the prospect of a trip to the emergency room if the pains in my abdomen do not subside. No-one I know has gone through such a procedure so I've no-one to talk to about my abject fear of hospitals and my uncertainty at the prospect of an operation.

I don't know what else to do.

Minxie123

There's a book called "codependent no more" which I think you would find really helpful. Definitely worth a read.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267650723&sr=8-1

pronoiaparty

I'm going to broach this differently to what has been said before. You have mentioned already that individuals have forced a change of your persona just to counter their effects on you. This is terrible and you should not progress further down this route. If you were a nice person before I think you should go back to being what you know and who you are. Struggling to be something and someone you are not has incredibly deleterious effects on a persons state of mind and physical well being. Continuing such a falsehood will damage you immensely, even in the short run.

Essentially your major issue seems to be that family members emotionally bully you into giving them money. As removing the family members is not an option the next logical step is to remove the money. You state that you have trouble making friends due to trust issues. Unless you specifically need to save the dole money I would suggest blowing pretty much all of it every week on yourself, enjoying yourself and learning to love humanity again.

Do you have any interests in particular ones that would keep you unavailable for prolonged periods? I would look into your local college activities in particular those that involve weekends away such as mountaineering, orienteering and so on. I would also take your cousin away on short trips around Europe. I know several of my friends go on so called Dole Holidays were they jet off around Europe. Unfortunately I cant afford to do the same with my one day a week job. :P If you do need to save there are easy ways to ensure that it is incredibly difficult to get your money out of certain savings accounts.

Now of course you should still be willing to be friendly with your family as you were in the past. The difference now will be they will have to come to terms with you being a relative and no longer being useable as an atm.