Feedback for my Poem Please.

blather_n_shout

Bird, don't sing, that's not the sun.
Don't give the yellow light that soaks the streets
The honour of your song.
Your lullaby to the night keeps me awake.
Why can't you see that this twilight is fake?

Bird, don't sing, that's not the sun.
Don't be fooled by another false dawn.
Sitting on a branch serenading the silence,
Giving yourself jet lag with out taking flight.
There is a difference between this excuse for the night
And the glorious dawn.
Why don't you keep your chorus till then?

But then as the Moon sets
He mimics an alarm.
Robbing the morning of the sound of his song.
Competing with the call of a siren that knows nothing of him.

I'd be grateful for any criticism. good bad or indifferent. :pac:

Oryx

I like the simplicity of it. One small thing.. I didnt like the rhyming of awake/fake. I dont think you need it.

stevejazzx

Bird, don't sing, that's not the sun.
Don't give the yellow light that soaks the streets
The honour of your song.
Your lullaby to the night keeps me awake.
Why can't you see that this twilight is fake?

[The rhyme is not the problem here but rather the flow of the words. That run monosyllabic words doesn't work]

Bird, don't sing, that's not the sun.
Don't be fooled by another false dawn.
Sitting on a branch serenading the silence,

Giving yourself jet lag with out taking flight.
There is a difference between this excuse for the night
And the glorious dawn.
Why don't you keep your chorus till then?

But then as the Moon sets
He mimics an alarm.
Robbing the morning of the sound of his song. (stealing?)
Competing with the call of a siren that knows nothing of him.

I'd be grateful for any criticism. good bad or indifferent. :pac:

I didn't like this choices of the underlined words.
Otherwise I think it's a fine poem indeed.

Wheeloflight

I like it. It has alot of imagery in it. I think people can be very critical of poetry especially because they either think it should rhyme, or else it's awfully "arty" for it to jumble words up and have no reason to it at all.

Well done I say

MaryDublin

Really like it.

Well done

ElizabethB

I really enjoyed Reading this poem, the idea behind it is very good. I rarely enjoy poetry on this but I really like this, the only thing that let it down a bit was the rhyming, it didn't flow as much as it could. A little work on the structure and this poem will improve to it's best.Hope to see more work from you
ElizabethB

TMH

It thought it was great. I love the idea behind it, the whole natural/unnatural dichotomy. It's been done but I think you've come at it in your own original way.
A+ from me for what it's worth!

FarmerGreen

Diffficult isnt it?
Translated it into Essex for you (I'm English BTW)

Birdie knows what 'super SOX' is.
I'm just practisin' my stuff.
Decent boids fek off to trees
Far away from this daft glim.
It gets on your tits i know it does,
To hear me sing so badlyl so.
To practice far away from mates does stop the cruel piss-take.
Blather and shout, yes I do .
Thats just me and its just you.
Chew chip chick.
Wake up. You sod. The dawn is here.
Meet this day without the fear
.......?

nietzy

boo hoo- birds sing at the wrong times - my heart bleeds - yak

imasmeasmecanbe

Some nice if obscure imagery in there but i didnt like the rhythm of it, some of your lines seem to run on a bit and not quite fit in with the whole.

melissa4gar

I liked it very much. I am a writer but poems are my downfall. would love to be able to pen one. Check out my short stories...
Best of luck with your poems and remember not everyone likes the same things but once you touch one person then its done its job...:):p