Looking for some advice

LegacyUser

Hi,
I am in a long term relationship(7 yrs) with someone I love very much.
Then I was out last Fri and got chatting to a girl - we got on very well. She was keen and I really liked her. She gave me her number and wanted to meet up the next day(nothing happened that nite).
And the next day I actually thought about it!! I imagined how exciting it felt to meet someone new and interesting again. I felt excited at the thought of doing something new and exciting! At the thought of a new relationship!
Then I thought about what an asshole I am!! How could I even consider doing such a thing to my gf!?? she's been brilliant to me and a huge support to me and to my family!!
I feel I am no better than those scumbags John Terry/Ashley Cole!

Any advice? Really appreciate it. And feel free to label me a asshole!

Thanks.

6th

Getting offers doesnt make you an asshole. Its what you do about it that says what kinda person you are.

Kiera

6th wrote: »

Getting offers doesnt make you an asshole. Its what you do about it that says what kinda person you are.

But giving his number out while in a relationship does.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

But giving his number out while in a relationship does.

I didn't actuaaly give her my number. Just took hers....if it makes any difference.

Kiera

usernamehelp20 wrote: »

I didn't actuaaly give her my number. Just took hers....if it makes any difference.

Not really, its much of a muchness tbh. There's obviously something lacking in your relationship for you to take someone elses number and seriously contemplate meeting her.

How would you like it if you found out your OH had done the same?

6th

Like he says he didnt give out his number and sometimes it just easier to take a number than say no.

Kiera

6th wrote: »

Like he says he didnt give out his number and sometimes it just easier to take a number than say no.

That's giving that person false hope which is also a horrible thing to do!

6th

Its taking a complement.

OP you had temptation put in your way and you ultimately chose to resist it.

MelanieC

You say you love your gf very much and that she's brilliant so I don't think you ever thought seriously about cheating or that you would ever have done it.

I think more likely it was just a surprising and welcome ego boost to find that after seven years off the dating scene you still have what it takes to impress the girls! That's fair enough and only natural. We all need reassurance from time to time. Even fantasising about starting a new relationship is no more than nostalgia for the days when you did used to chat up girls with a view to starting new relationships. Fantasising isn't the same as doing - if it were almost every happily married couple alive would be cheating regularly! - so don't feel too guilty.

Having said that though I don't condone your taking single girls' numbers when you're in a relationship. That is "doing" as opposed to thinking/wondering so is not on. I know you probably only took it coz you were so flattered and downright chuffed with yourself! But that's your reassuring ego boost done with now, you may have another one in another seven years!

Till then, stop giving yourself a hard time about this but throw away the number and remind yourself and your gf how much you really do love her.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

That's giving that person false hope which is also a horrible thing to do!

Yes. I feel bad about that. Should I just text her and say sorry?

Kiera

usernamehelp20 wrote: »

Yes. I feel bad about that. Should I just text her and say sorry?

Are you kidding? Delete her number.

kjl

OK Kiera, on the grand scale of things taking someone number is not that bad. I would say stop calling the guy an asshole, you are a moderator and should know better.

At the OP, of course you are occasionaly going to meet new people and thing they are wild and exciting, but I assure you it is only perception, picture yourself 7 years down the line with this new one. Do you think it will still have the same excitement that it has now?

its just fantasy, and even though we can really get into our fantasies acting on them is a bad idea. You said it yourself you really love your gf, so dont mess it up because you are thinking with you penis.

Go and watch / read high fidelity.

6th

kjl wrote: »

OK Kiera, on the grand scale of things taking someone number is not that bad. I would say stop calling the guy an asshole, you are a moderator and should know better.

Kiera is not a mod of this forum so is a regular user lke yourself and subject to the same rules etc. If you have an issue with a post please use the report post function rather than engaging.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

Kiera wrote: »

Are you kidding? Delete her number.

I do feel guilty and feel bad for the girl I got the number for. She is leaving the country in a few wks so I thought maybe I text her that I cant meet up, that I'm very sorry, and best of luck.

Or is thos completely idiotic??

Kiera

usernamehelp20 wrote: »

I do feel guilty and feel bad for the girl I got the number for. She is leaving the country in a few wks so I thought maybe I text her that I cant meet up, that I'm very sorry, and best of luck.

Or is thos completely idiotic??

I think it would be best if you just delete her number tbh. No good can come from contacting her. Put yourself in your GF's shoes. Wouldnt it kill you if you found out she had text a guy she met on a night out that she fancied?

toadfly

Delete it! Seriously no good can come out of you txting her, it could get flirty via txt very easily and if you dont want the temptation then delete.

6th

Just delete the number.

yogalady

i'd text her. Tell her you thought she was lovely but you have a wonderful woman at home. Treat her with some respect don't leave her hanging thinking your just like other men who say they will ring and don't. she didn't do anything wrong either did you so don't ruin the good time ye had

vicecreamsundae

i'd forget about that girl, especially seeing as you say she's leaving the country anyway. but maybe the fact it felt so good to meet someone new and have a connection is something you should think about.

do you and your current girlfriend have plans to be together for the long haul?
are you sure that's what you want?

maybe it's perfectly normal to feel like that, and sweep it under a rug and remain with your partner, but speaking from my own experience, when i was with my boyfriend for seven years, i met a guy and felt pretty much the same as you. i was straight up about having a boyfriend, and suggested we just be friends, but there were definitely flirtatious undertones, he made it clear he'd like me to break up with my boyfriend and while i said i was very happy with my boyfriend, i can't say the idea didn't cross my mind. anyway, i decided to stop contact with that guy, but it didn't stop me questioning whether i really wanted to be in a serious relationship. and i realised i wasn't, i really wanted to be able to meet new people and all that. we broke up over the following year.

but before meeting that guy, i never even considered breaking up with my boyfriend before. i dont think there was anything all that special about that guy [even when i've met him since being single, i wouldn't go there], it was more just the timing i suppose.

so maybe you are super happy with your relationship and forget about this whole encounter, but maybe it's a symptom that you really want to be out there meeting new people. might be worth thinking about.

kudos with not meeting up with that girl behind your gfs back though. did you tell her you had a girlfriend?

LegacyUser

I think he should text her. The girl deserves to know where she stands and not be left hanging. He should tell her he's sorry but that he's in a relationship at the moment.

What's wrong with doing that?

LegacyUser

heretobe wrote: »

I think he should text her. The girl deserves to know where she stands and not be left hanging. He should tell her he's sorry but that he's in a relationship at the moment.

What's wrong with doing that?

This is what I'm thinking but should I just leave it and forget all about this?

LegacyUser

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

i'd forget about that girl, especially seeing as you say she's leaving the country anyway. but maybe the fact it felt so good to meet someone new and have a connection is something you should think about.

do you and your current girlfriend have plans to be together for the long haul?
are you sure that's what you want?

maybe it's perfectly normal to feel like that, and sweep it under a rug and remain with your partner, but speaking from my own experience, when i was with my boyfriend for seven years, i met a guy and felt pretty much the same as you. i was straight up about having a boyfriend, and suggested we just be friends, but there were definitely flirtatious undertones, he made it clear he'd like me to break up with my boyfriend and while i said i was very happy with my boyfriend, i can't say the idea didn't cross my mind. anyway, i decided to stop contact with that guy, but it didn't stop me questioning whether i really wanted to be in a serious relationship. and i realised i wasn't, i really wanted to be able to meet new people and all that. we broke up over the following year.

but before meeting that guy, i never even considered breaking up with my boyfriend before. i dont think there was anything all that special about that guy [even when i've met him since being single, i wouldn't go there], it was more just the timing i suppose.

so maybe you are super happy with your relationship and forget about this whole encounter, but maybe it's a symptom that you really want to be out there meeting new people. might be worth thinking about.

kudos with not meeting up with that girl behind your gfs back though. did you tell her you had a girlfriend?

I had never thought this way!!! And really afraid to start doing so! I have been through some tough times the past 2 yrs but my gf has been amazing to help me through it all.
How could I possibly consider breaking up with her!! Even my own family would be disgusted with me!
I just met up with some mates I had not seen in a while last Fri night and I did not expect to be in this state of mind after it all! I had no intention of meeting anyone.

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

kudos with not meeting up with that girl behind your gfs back though. did you tell her you had a girlfriend?

I didn't! Which makes it all the worse.

toadfly

Are you having doubts about your relationship with your GF after meeting this other girl?

LegacyUser

TillyGirl wrote: »

Are you having doubts about your relationship with your GF after meeting this other girl?

I wasn't before the weekend. But maybe now. But I'm not even sure if I am. I felt excited at the prospect of something new and exciting after meeting that girl .

Oryx

OP, ease up on yourself. Youre human. People do this kind of flirting stuff all the time. The only difference with you was that you took the girls number. And then you woke the next day and realised what you were doing. Its ok to be tempted, but you didnt take it beyond the point of no return.

My only concern is that you were interested in the first place, and that you want to text the girl now. That to me smacks of wanting to initiate contact again, and that is a dangerous thing to do. It shows that a part of you may still want the excitement you describe missing. You rationalise it as simply apologising, when my bet is it would not end there.

You need to examine carefully whats going on in your life and how happy and contented you really are with your situation now. It could be that life has been stressful, or dull and boring, and this incident is a reaction to that. You need to fix whatever is missing in your life now, before another girl gives you her number and you take it further next time, in order to scratch this itch in your non exciting life.

toadfly

Well my advise would be, from someone that has firsthand experience, that you need to take a step back from this girl, dont go putting yourself in a situation that could lose you your GF of 7 years.

If there havent been any other times in the 7 years where you had serious doubts then this is more than likely a "grass is always greener" situation. Fair enough relationships end but until you are absolutely positive that you dont want to be with your GF dont do anything you might regret.

Dont decide this when you are drunk, come to the decision when you are completly sober, drink makes you brave and doesnt mean it is what you want just because its what you think when you are drunk.

If your relationship is over, break up with your GF, be honest with her, dont take the coward way out, cheat on her and make her break up with you. I guarantee you if you cheat on her she will be heartbroken and you cant take it back. Be mature and do the right thing for both of you.

From what I can see from your posts you are just excited with the thoughts of a new relationship and if you are being honest that you havent had doubts before this then I dont think it is worth breaking up your relationship for this.

Do you want to be with your GF?

LegacyUser

TillyGirl wrote: »

Well my advise would be, from someone that has firsthand experience, that you need to take a step back from this girl, dont go putting yourself in a situation that could lose you your GF of 7 years.

If there havent been any other times in the 7 years where you had serious doubts then this is more than likely a "grass is always greener" situation. Fair enough relationships end but until you are absolutely positive that you dont want to be with your GF dont do anything you might regret.

Dont decide this when you are drunk, come to the decision when you are completly sober, drink makes you brave and doesnt mean it is what you want just because its what you think when you are drunk.

If your relationship is over, break up with your GF, be honest with her, dont take the coward way out, cheat on her and make her break up with you. I guarantee you if you cheat on her she will be heartbroken and you cant take it back. Be mature and do the right thing for both of you.

From what I can see from your posts you are just excited with the thoughts of a new relationship and if you are being honest that you havent had doubts before this then I dont think it is worth breaking up your relationship for this.

Do you want to be with your GF?

Thanks for the advice! Eases my stress a lot! Yes, I do want to be with my gf.

I think I want to text that other girl, yes out of curiosity, which is dangerous, but also as I would hate someone to take my number and not bother to apologise for not calling me or letting me know where I stand!

I want to text her that I'm very sorry, I'm in a long term relationship and good luck.

Is this ok?

toadfly

usernamehelp20 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice!
I want to text her that I'm very sorry, I'm in a long term relationship and good luck.

Is this ok?

Your welcome!

Whether it is ok or not is up to you I just wanted to give you some advice based on what I have been through in the past. If you only want to txt her to say sorry for leading her on then if thats what you want then fine but I would be afraid of it gettng into the dangerous area of flirlting etc.

Up to you though obviously, good luck.

LegacyUser

well after all my fretting she did not seem one bit bothered! So there goes my ego boost

she just said she drank too much and good luck...after my showering of compliments on her.

well, maybe that's what I needed to cop on.

toadfly

So you're disappointed she wasnt heartbroken? what did u expect? u really need to get your head together.

LegacyUser

relationships are hard. They succeed because people decide that the plus points outweigh the downsides. It's normal to have an experience like this, everyone is human and it's ok to find yourself momentarily attracted to somebody else. Exitement and that "rush" of being with someone new can become something else over time, like comfort and appreciation, and then when you experience those old feelings again when someone random comes along it can stir up a lot of confusion and guilt.
What prevents people from acting on these feelings is what they stand to lose with the person they're with. Sometimes this feeling can be a signal that the relationship needs attention, or even that it's coming to an end. But sometimes all it takes is to spend some quality time with the person you're with and rediscover all the things that you love about them, and why you find them sexy and desirable.
After all, if you act on your impulses you'll likely be left with...not alot. And you'll hurt someone who's given you 7 years of her life.
My advice is get rid of the number, and take your girlfriend out for the night. Do something different. It sounds cheesy but I must admit that I had these feelings before, a temptation, and I didn't act on it. I took the BF away for the weekend, and did some fun stuff, relaxed and well...got re-aquainted with my man if you know what I mean. I barely remember the guy who I was tempted by, in fact I can't even remember why I was attracted to him;-)

LegacyUser

TillyGirl wrote: »

So you're disappointed she wasnt heartbroken? what did u expect? u really need to get your head together.

No. Of course not. Just didn't expect her to say it didnt matter as she was drunk, after I told her she was really nice.

Yes. I need to sort out my head. Oh how.

toadfly

unregistered wrote: »

relationships are hard. They succeed because people decide that the plus points outweigh the downsides. It's normal to have an experience like this, everyone is human and it's ok to find yourself momentarily attracted to somebody else. Exitement and that "rush" of being with someone new can become something else over time, like comfort and appreciation, and then when you experience those old feelings again when someone random comes along it can stir up a lot of confusion and guilt.
What prevents people from acting on these feelings is what they stand to lose with the person they're with. Sometimes this feeling can be a signal that the relationship needs attention, or even that it's coming to an end. But sometimes all it takes is to spend some quality time with the person you're with and rediscover all the things that you love about them, and why you find them sexy and desirable.
After all, if you act on your impulses you'll likely be left with...not alot. And you'll hurt someone who's given you 7 years of her life.
My advice is get rid of the number, and take your girlfriend out for the night. Do something different. It sounds cheesy but I must admit that I had these feelings before, a temptation, and I didn't act on it. I took the BF away for the weekend, and did some fun stuff, relaxed and well...got re-aquainted with my man if you know what I mean. I barely remember the guy who I was tempted by, in fact I can't even remember why I was attracted to him;-)

This is all very good advice but esp the bold part. Delete the number, of course now that you have txt her there is the chance she will contact you again, but try and reconnect with your GF. If you cant afford a weekend away just bring her out for the day, take a drive, go bowling just generally spend time together and have fun. LTR dont have to be boring, it was be exciting and fun as well.

If you decide in time the relationship needs to finish then do the right thing but be sure before you do anything. You cant take it back once you say you dont want to be with her.

Good luck:)

LegacyUser

TillyGirl wrote: »

This is all very good advice but esp the bold part. Delete the number, of course now that you have txt her there is the chance she will contact you again, but try and reconnect with your GF. If you cant afford a weekend away just bring her out for the day, take a drive, go bowling just generally spend time together and have fun. LTR dont have to be boring, it was be exciting and fun as well.

If you decide in time the relationship needs to finish then do the right thing but be sure before you do anything. You cant take it back once you say you dont want to be with her.

Good luck:)

Yes. You are both very right! We haven't really done anything fun in at least 6months! Various problems at home and so on. Maybe a weekend away could help.
I just feel so down about the whole episode.

Thanks again for all the much needed help!!

MelanieC

usernamehelp20 wrote: »

well after all my fretting she did not seem one bit bothered! So there goes my ego boost

she just said she drank too much and good luck...after my showering of compliments on her.

well, maybe that's what I needed to cop on.

Ego boost is right! You flirted with this girl in the first place for an ego boost (which you quite clearly got) and then you expected and wanted another when you told her the truth, ie her to be devastated that you're taken and she will never know the glory of you? :eek:

I had sympathy earlier but get over yourself OP!! If you're really so down and insecure at the moment that you need all these ego boosts then maybe that's what you should be addressing. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

MelanieC wrote: »

Ego boost is right! You flirted with this girl in the first place for an ego boost (which you quite clearly got) and then you expected and wanted another when you told her the truth, ie her to be devastated that you're taken and she will never know the glory of you? :eek:

I had sympathy earlier but get over yourself OP!! If you're really so down and insecure at the moment that you need all these ego boosts then maybe that's what you should be addressing. :rolleyes:

Yeah you're right. Didn't realise I was so insecure! Not really sure why I am.

LegacyUser

OK. I've been trying to sort myself out and to stop feeling so sorry for myself and basically cop on.

I am trying to find out why I feel so insecure. Any suggestion on where to begin??

Thanks!

MelanieC

usernamehelp20 wrote: »

OK. I've been trying to sort myself out and to stop feeling so sorry for myself and basically cop on.

I am trying to find out why I feel so insecure. Any suggestion on where to begin??

Thanks!

Maybe you should be discussing it with your girlfriend of seven years rather than with strangers on here.

She's probably noticed something's up anyway and you owe it to her to be open with her and let her in. You say she's very good to you and you love her very much so she should naturally be your first port of call.

And you shouldn't need me or anyone to tell you this. That's the thing.

LegacyUser

MelanieC wrote: »

Maybe you should be discussing it with your girlfriend of seven years rather than with strangers on here.

She's probably noticed something's up anyway and you owe it to her to be open with her and let her in. You say she's very good to you and you love her very much so she should naturally be your first port of call.

And you shouldn't need me or anyone to tell you this. That's the thing.

How do I bring this up with her?? I'm feeling insecure - I think about our relationship and I have no idea why.
She's been worrying about other things lately so I really don't want to upset her more.

MelanieC

You need to sort out exactly what you're feeling - about everything - and then tell her straight and talk it out together. You say you think it's the relationship you're insecure about - you "think"?? You surely know yourself what's making you anxious?? If not then you haven't allowed yourself to think about it and that's what's holding you back from sorting it out.

That's the first thing you need to do, have a long think about what exactly is troubling you. Ask yourself questions - What am I feeling insecure about? Why am I feeling this way? When did I start having these feelings? etc and be honest with the answers even if it's something you don't want to face (like your relationship has run its course or something like that). It's your responsibility to face up to your own feelings before you go burdening someone else with them.

Only when you have figured out what the problem is should you approach her with it. Like you said, she's been stressed lately and the last thing she needs is for you to add more questions and confusion into the mix. So be sure about what it is that's troubling you, then tell her and discuss it with her - what you feel is wrong, where this came from and hopefully maybe ideas of how it can be fixed. Good luck.